Disclaimor: I do not own Dragon Age Origins (though I do own a copy of the game and hope to own the second one in the not to distant future.)

The Warden's Retiring.

Denerim was more or less like he remembered it. There seemed to be a livelier atmosphere but that seemed to be the only true change. It couldn't be helped, last time he was here the people were still recoiling from the Darkspawn attack and prior to that everything was all gloom and doom from the current crisis (and the twenty other things that were going on in the country at the time).

He smiled as he looked back at his entourage, half a dozen of his clanmates who have never been to a large city before. The Keepers refused to let him come here alone. They outright threatened to chain him to an aravel if he even attempted to sneak off. He sighed, thinking back to the first time he had been here.

Morrigan had an expression similar to the ones his current companions had, though she actually hid it a lot better. Alistair was busy looking for his sister. Leliana was always uncomfortable, which would make sense, considering her history here. Sten always disapproved of something, whether it was because of the smell or the lack of technology was anyone's guess. His faithful Mabari hound was trying to adopt stray children. And Zevran, constantly invading the personal space of random women…and sometimes men. Kael smiled at that; those had been the good old days.

Kael flinched at that last thought. Marethari once smacked him over the head for using the phrase, "the good old days", citing that he was a few decades to young to be using phrases like that.

"Lethallin…how can so many shems live in a place like this?" asked one of my escort/protectors, a young huntress named Alleria.

If Kael had to guess, it seemed many of them held the same question. It made the Dalish Warden grin. "Wait until you see the Palace. It's staffed by over a thousand, and actually houses a couple hundred." They actually gaped at me.

We walked in silence after that, making our way to the Palace District. We were nearly there when another one of my 'guards' decided to ask something I wanted to avoid, "Hahren-", Kael still flinched at the title. The hunter speaking was perhaps two or three years younger than he, but regardless most of them, the ones younger than he at least, felt the need to refer to him as their elder. He supposed all the crap he went through over the past few years was what made the nickname acceptable. "-will we be visiting the place where the rest of our brethren live?"

And with that, Kael flinched. It was honestly a place he wouldn't mind avoiding.

Alleria nodded at the young hunter, "It's called an Alienage, or so I'm told. Is that correct Lethallin?"

Kael nodded, "That's right. If we have time, we'll go." Kael said, defectively.

"If we have time?"

Kael nodded. "As I keep saying, I don't want to stay too long. I'd like to leave by morning if possible." That, and the fact that he truly didn't want to let his clan mates see the condition their brethren lived in. Then again, he supposed he could always 'recruit' some of the Alieange elves to come back with them. Would probably piss off quite a few of the Shems, to lose a source of cheap labor.

"That man is waving at you Hahren."

Kael's eyes brightened at the sight of the man standing a few yards in front of them, flanked by a dozen knights. His hair was a little longer, but he knew that face and that goofy smile anywhere. "Alistair…"

-x-

An hour later found both Kael and Alistair sitting alone in, what appeared to be, the King's private office. Following the Landsmeet, nearly three years ago, the King refused to so much as look at his former comrade-at-arms. The fact that Kael chose to recruit Lohgain, of all people, was simply too big of a betrayal for Alistair to take at that time. Despite Lohgain's death, when the group fought the Archdemon, Alistair hadn't so much as looked at Kael until the Aftermath at Vigil's keep, nearly two years back. They finally made up when the King, personally, brought aid and relief to the citizen's of Amaranthine. The two had quickly grown as close as they were, pre-Landsmeet. Unfortunately, this was anything but a social visit.

"Hmm, was Eamon busy?"

Alistair glared at the former commander; though it was obvious there wasn't any real anger in his eyes. "He outright refused to see you, after you, and I quote, 'Set the walking dead on me'."

Kael shrugged, "You'd think he'd have been used to it, all things considered."

"What the Black City happened, anyway. He refused to specify exactly what you did to him. I also recently got a message from Weishaupt, they aren't too pleased with you either."

"That's probably putting it lightly", the Dalish Elf responded with a smirk. "How's Anora? I hear she's carrying your child."

"She is, and stop deflecting!" Alistair snapped. "You gotta tell me how you managed to piss off both Eamon and the Ambassador's from Weishaupt."

Kael took a sip from some of the wine Alistair had offered him before responding, "Honestly, I didn't do much. Just made sure my former team knew what to do in case they were harassed."

"Isn't that too harsh a word?"

Kael sighed, "I told both you and Anora that the Wardens shouldn't take Amaranthine because we were supposed to be free of the nobility. But the two of you insisted and promised me there wouldn't be interference in Warden business. I consider preventing me from choosing my successor, interference."

Alistair nodded, "But why Howe of all people. You do remember who his father was."

"According to the stories, King Maric had his own room at the Pearl…is that a reputation we should hold you to?" Kael nearly laughed at the face Alistair made at that comment. "Nathaniel isn't his father. He was the best person to take over the job, and I still believe that, even now. I have checked up on him recently and what I saw was proof enough."

Alistair cocked an eyebrow at that, "Wait, so you really did make Nathaniel the Warden-Commander? What about-"

"The one Eamon saw?" Kael interrupted. "Well, you wanted me to explain what happened with Eamon right?" Alistair nodded. "Well, it happened like this…"

-x- One Month Ago: Eamon –x-

Eamon sat down at the small table, in front of the new Warden Commander. To the Commander's left stood a young dwarven woman. To the man's right, he saw none other than Nathaniel Howe, standing at attention. In truth, Eamon knew next to nothing about the young man, it was simply the thought of another Rendon Howe having control of Vigil's Keep that made him, and several other nobles, hesitant to accept the young man as the replacement Warden-Commander. The Hero of Ferelden, Kael Mahariel, obviously saw good in the man, but if the young man's father was anything, it was a gifted actor. After all, no one could even begin to fathom what kind of monster Rendon truly was. And Eamon was one to believe that the apple, most definitely, didn't fall far from the tree.

So it seemed that Kael had conceded the…advice…of the nobles and chosen a different Warden as his successor. But this time he didn't have the decency to notify the Landsmeet of his new candidate. The man in front of him was a complete mystery…he didn't even have the manners to know he shouldn't where a helmet while sitting with his guest. The blasted thing was completely concealing his face. Best to inform the man of this breach in proper etiquette. "You know, it's polite to remove one's helmet in front of guests."

"Politeness?" was the man's response/question. "I care not for politeness", his hands moved to removed his helmet. "I care only for…Justice."

Eamon flinched at the man in front of him. Was he decaying? "You're the new Warden Commander?"

"I am Justice!"

Eamon looked the man up and down. He was dressed in the same armor as the Warden-Commander, though obviously his was sized for humans. "Indeed. I don't believe we have been properly introduced. I am Chancellor Eamon Guerrin, and you?"

"I am Justice!"

Eamon's eyes narrowed. "You said that…but what is your name."

"I am a spirit of Justice, inhabiting the body of the Grey Warden Kristoff. You may call me, Justice!"

Eamon stood up abruptly, "You're a spirit!"

"Of Justice…yes."

The old man looked at the 'WardenCommander' in horror, "This is absurd!"

Justice stood up and met the Chancellor's eyes, "What is absurd is that you, and your family, have gone so long without facing Justice!"

Eamon's narrowed his eyes, "You think I should have met you sooner?"

Justice slammed his fist against the table, "You escaped, not me, but Justice!"

"What are you talking about!" Eamon shot back, just as loud.

"Your son allowed a demon to use him as a gate into our world, and then let the creature killed hundreds. The fact that he still lives defies Justice!"

Eamon's eyes widened, "He was just a child. Who are you to judge him?"

Justice, once again slams his fist into the table, "I AM JUSTICE!" Eamon's eyes widened at the rage in the spirit's voice. "Then what about your spouse, it was her actions and secrets that allowed all of that to happened. Yet she also escapes Justice!"

"Now see here, my wife-"

"And you are the worst offender of Justice!" the Spirit interrupted. "You forced a child to sleep among horses to satisfy a woman you met later! You lack Justice!"

"I…I…" there was actually a hint of sorrow in the man's voice.

"You then banish him from the only home he has even known to, once again, sate your spouse! Once again, you show a lack of Justice!"

The malice in Justice's voice terrified Eamon.

"You later use the child to achieve your own ends. You disrespect Justice!"

"I didn't use Alistair…"

"And now, you seek to judge and control the very organization that saved this country not once, but twice in the three years! You spit on the very name of Justice!"

"I-"

Justice slammed his fist into the table, cutting off Eamon mid-sentence. The body of Kristoff moved around the table and walked towards Eamon. "And now you seek to judge me? A spirit of Justice!" Justice stood an inch from Eamon. "Well I'll have you know…I AM JUSTICE!"

Eamon held his breath, suddenly quaking in fear at his past with another denizen of the Fade. Justice raised a hand and pointed at Eamon

"And you…MOCK JUSTICE!"

-x- Present –x-

Alistair stared at Kael, shock written all over his face.

Kael, for his part, just smirked at the King. "From what I hear, Nathaniel and Sigrun barely managed to suppress their own laughter. Justice was actually just being himself, though I did tell him to repeat his name as often as possible. Had the right effect."

Alistair sighed, though it was obvious he was trying to suppress a smile. "No wonder Eamon refuses to talk about it. And it's obvious why the message from Weishaupt sounded so angry."

"Oh, the ambassadors from Weishaupt never even met Justice."

Alistair raised an eyebrow, "Then what the blazes happened to piss them off so much."

"Considering their general attitude, that we are a bunch of slack-jawed barbarians, I thought it was best to deal with them in a different manner."

Alistair looked at him questioningly, "One second. I'm actually curious what their problem with the whole thing was. Did they also disapprove of Nathaniel?"

Kael shrugged, "Not sure whether they cared for him or not. In truth they were just pissed that I was retiring at all. They wanted the Hero of Ferelden to stay on the job for…gods know what. Like I give a damn about their opinion."

"Well…they are Weishaupt-"

"Screw them", Kael snapped. "And screw the First Warden to. We may be around to fight the Darkspawn, but during a damn Blight, I'd expect half the Wardens in Thedas to show up on our doorstep." Kael glared at Alistair. "Instead, we got Riordan. One Warden in all of Thedas."

"That was Lohgain's fault though, he's the one who stopped the Wardens-"

"Because he didn't want half of Orlais military power in Ferelden-" Kael paused in his rant and just growled out. "Look, I'm not getting into this right now. Weishaupt could have easily sent someone to tell Lohgain what was going on. The First Warden could have gotten off his ass and done something. They left us ALONE during the Blight, and that's not something I'm going to easily forgive. And then they try and tell me that I'm not allowed to retire? Worse, they decide to send ambassadors to make sure that I haven't. They can all piss off, I saved the world twice."

A moment of silence enveloped the group. After a long moment, Alistair finally broke the silence, "You know…technically, they say it was Lohgain who defeated the Archdemon and thus saved the world."

Kael actually chuckled at that. "An arrow through each eye, to make sure it was blind, plus another one through its throat, to make sure it couldn't breath fire, and a little help from Riodan to make sure it couldn't fly. Lohgain wouldn't have gotten close enough without help."

"I like that story better."

The two immediately shared a laugh at that. After a moment Alistair pulled a paper from his desk. "Care to explain why Weishaupt's letter seems to continuously refer to us as dog lovers."

Kael smiled. "Well, you remember why I took Dirthamen from you."

Alistair nodded, "After sticking the mutt with me for over a year, for my own protection as you continuously said, you decided to take him to help start a kennel at Vigil's Keep. You mentioned he'd make a good father."

"Actually, I said I could use him and only have to buy a few females, which would cut costs, but that's not the point", Kael corrected. "The point was I found another use for him.

Alistair raised an eyebrow.

-x- One month ago: Weishaupt Ambassadors –x-

Ambassador Nika sat down on the chair provided for her. The human Warden was flanked by an Elf, Elyon, and a second human, Gerod. While Nika wore lighter scale armor, the other two were dressed in heavy plate mail.

Nika took a quick glance at the empty chair, opposite her, before glancing at the two Wardens that were flanking it. To the right was a blonde human, dressed as a mage. The second was a red-headed dwarf, dressed in pitch black armor that looked much to good for such an…uncivilized being. Nika took a long sniff before grimacing. The dwarf smelled drunk. "The Commander is late for our meeting", she quickly shot the dwarf a nasty look, "and is showing a disturbing lack of discipline amongst his troops. This does not bold well."

It was the mage, Anders if she remembered correctly, who answered her, "You'll have to forgive him, he's had a lot on his plate recently."

"Hmph", the woman snorted. "Surely, the pressures of leading such a small unit of Wardens isn't so tough for one of the famed Heroes of Ferelden." She spat the last part out.

"Not to worry, here he comes now", the mage answered again, looking at someone behind her.

"Well, it's about time", she responded, turning her head to fix Warden Mahariel with a nasty look. Instead, she just caught sight of a Mabari dog, trotting passed her, around the table, before jumping on the seat and promptly sitting down in it.

Anders stood up straighter, "Madam Ambassador, I present to you the newest Warden Commander, Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon."

Woof

Both Elyon and Gerod stared at the dog in shock. Nika just growled, before standing up abruptly. "This is an outrage, you fools clearly don't understand the severity of the situation at hand. I demand you bring Warden Commander Kael out here and end this farce immediately!"

Grrrr woof woof

Anders, once again, spoke for the Ferelden Wardens, "Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon finds your hypocrisy insulting. You fraternize with your subordinates mere hours before you are to meet us and claim we lack discipline."

Nika's face turned red, and both of her subordinates suddenly decided the Keep's architecture was worth examining.

Anders' eyes narrowed, "I daresay madam, thou dost protest too much!"

Woof woof Grrrrrr

After glancing at the dog, Anders turns back towards the trio from Weishaupt, "Neither the dead hare in your travel pack nor the cheap Orlesian perfume can hide the smell of your carnal acts."

Nika's face reddens before she stands up and glares at Anders, "It's obvious you were spying on us while we were traveling here. I'll say it again-"

WOOF GRRRR the dog growled as he leapt onto the table, scaring the women back into her chair.

"Silence!", Anders screamed, "Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon will have you whipped for your insubordination and disrespect!"

Gerod, Nika's human companion, growled before pointing a finger at the dog, "We will not tolerate any threats Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon!" The second the words left his mouth, Gerod's eyes widened. The Dog, along with the two other Wardens of Ferelden, and even Eloyn were all staring at him. Nika could only slap a hand to her face.

Woof wooof Ahhhoooo!

Anders pointed a finger at Nika, "Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon will NOT tolerate disrespect from ANY of you! He was a hero during the blight. One of the legendary Heroes of Ferelden!"

Woof Woof

"And while you three were safely tucked away hundreds of miles all the way in Weishaupt, Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon was here, fighting Darkspawn."

Woof

"He fought in the Final Battle of the Blight!"

AAHHHOOOOO!

Anders slammed his fist into the table before giving the trio a withering look, "He BIT the Archdemon in the ass." The trio from Weishaupt just stared at the dog in utter shock. "That's right, those fangs tasted Archdemon ass, an act the three of you could only dream of mimicking!"

WOOF

Anders, once again, slammed his fist into the table "So you bastards WILL show him the respect he so rightfully deserves!" Dirthamen, aka Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon, jumped down from the table and back into his seat. He looked at Anders.

Woof

Anders just nodded, "Of course Commander."

The dog turned back towards the trio from Weishaupt. Woof Woof.

Anders looked Nika in the eye, "Now that that unpleasantness is over…what is it that Weishaupt wished to discuss with us."

Nika's mouth moved…but no sound came out. She truly had nothing to say after all of that…

Ohgren did though, "BLEEHHHHHHHH!" The dwarf immediately emptied the contents of his stomach…on the Ambassador from Weishaupt.

The trio left exactly three minutes and twenty-seven seconds later, vowing never to return to the smelly dog-loving country.

-x- Present –x-

Alistair could only look on in shock.

Kael grinned, "I only wish I could have been there."

Alistair just rubbed his temples, "That would explain the letter…and the threats…and…Maker." After a while, Alistair cracked a grin. "Maybe we should have you deal with the Ambassadors from other countries as well."

"Sorry, have my own problems to deal with."

"Oh come on, just until Anora gives birth. Since she's in such a delicate condition, Eamon's trying to make me do it."

Kael shrugged, "Have my own girl to take care of."

"Oh really? You settling down?"

"Yea, remember Lanaya?"

"Pretty, blonde keeper?"

"That's her."

"Nice catch…"

A/N: Hoped you enjoy my oneshot/crack-fic. It's always fun screwing with the Authority figures and you gotta admit…The Warden collects an interesting cast of characters.

Kudos to whoever gets the reference towards the Marbari's (true) name. Dirthamen is an Elven God of Secrets. Seemed to fit for a dog that was smart enough to talk, but wise enough not to. The Weishaupt Warden names came from the different Names for the Orlesian Warden in Awakening.

Anyway, review, or face JUSTICE! Or maybe I'll send Ser-Barks-at-the-Moon to bite you in the Ass. Whatever works.