The Romance Chronicles

Max/Liz

Do What You Have To Do

by

Princess McPhee

Disclaimer: Not mine. Jason Katims, UPN, etc, all not me.

Author's Note: I am in love with Sarah McLachlan's songs, and they're just perfect for the never-ending angst of Roswell's relationship, so I decided to do a piece on it. Thus 'The Romance Chronicles' were born. Each piece is standalone, but they all belong to this series, and are all based around a piece of SM music.

Author's Note 2: I know I've already done a Max/Liz, but this piece was too perfect to give up! I promise I'll try another couple soon.

Rating: PG

Summary: After tEotW (End of the World), Liz is broken-hearted.

Liz watches Max as he moves slowly, brokenly through the halls, glancing hurt looks at her whenever he senses her eyes upon him. He's more hurt than angry, Liz knows, but she sees his anger in his eyes, too. Even as gentle a person as Max Evans feels the betrayal and rage and injustice of her actions.

If only he knew.

The rules of love, the rules of the heart should never be broken, she knows, but there are some times when it can't be helped. When there's nothing left to do but make that final, horrible, treacherous last step.

When there's nothing left to do but step on the heart of your loved one, in order to save something worth more than either of you could ever understand.

What ravages of spirit conjured
This temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love

Liz knows that her actions had to be taken. She knows that there's no other way, that she couldn't have lived with herself, that the world couldn't have lived, with or without her, had she not done what she did to Max.

And to Kyle.

He passes her in the hall, his face a mask of confusion, his eyes unreadable, his pride clearly wounded and Michael on his heels. Liz wishes she could have done this without him, but there was no way. She couldn't have asked Michael, she couldn't have done that to Maria.

And she could to Kyle because he wasn't as important?
Either way, it didn't matter. There was no one else Max would have believed in that position. Not to mention that Michael never would have agreed without a fully explained reason, and even then, he probably still wouldn't have.

There just was no one else, and though Liz feels terrible for Kyle, the ache is dulled by the knowledge that at least he will live.

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do...

The pain in Kyle's eyes makes Liz think of the same look in Max's. The same sort of tortured soul that shines through the same kind of deep, murky, passionate eyes. The same look that she knows she must wear, because although the world will survive, Liz Parker's world is forever screwed.

And she resents that, even though she knows she could have done nothing else.

Mostly, she resents that her actions have taken her from Max. Liz had never believed in soulmates until she met Max, but one kiss was enough to convince her of their existence. And now, she has driven him away for a reason she can never say, broken his heart for a cause he'd never endorse.

Because she knows Max doesn't think life is worth living without Liz by his side.

She knows because she feels the same way.

And I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go

Everywhere, Liz sees his face. Everywhere, she sees the hurt and anger and pain and rage and confusion and betrayal that shine in his eyes. She sees his soul. She knows, because she's seen his soul before, because he's bared it to her, trusting that she would never damage it.

And now she's gone and abused that trust.

She still wants to kiss the life out of him, and she almost wishes that they'd gone 'all the way' that night in the desert. Because the only thing keeping her alive right now is the memory of his kisses, of his soft lips and supple tongue, and if they'd slept together that night, maybe those memories would have been enough to dull the pain even further.

Somehow, though, she knows that wouldn't be true.

Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire

Cutting the one class she has with Max is the hardest thing Liz has ever done. She wants desperately to go, if for no other reason than to see his face and reassure herself that he is okay.

But he isn't okay. And neither is she.

So she cuts. For his sake more than hers. She could have handled seeing him, might have even welcomed the love that still shone in his eyes, even as the other, ten times more powerful emotions overwhelmed them. But she's put him through enough, she figures. It is only fair that she stay away from him.

Because as far as he knows, she really did sleep with Kyle, and she really did it of her own free will.

Because Max doesn't know that in an alternate existence, his future self will come back and ask Liz to break his heart.

The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

At first, she figured that she could be strong. That she could be brave, that she could let Max go. After all, the lives of every person on earth wasn't worth her happiness, or even her life. And she convinced herself that she would be able to do it, that it would tear her apart, that she'd be ill with remorse and longing, but that it was possible.

Now, she isn't so naive.

Because the need to have Max in her system, because the need to be near him, because the feelings she has for him, they aren't going to go away. And though she thought she could give him up, she doesn't think she can do so if the feelings don't go away. How is she to live, not being a part of his life, while he was still the most important thing in hers?

But I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

The feelings in her chest are different every time she sees him. One time, it is burning hot and fiery, the next time it's deeper and harder. Sometimes she can almost hold it at bay, but it comes crashing down on her eventually. She comes to view it as inevitable whenever she thinks about, sees or hears Max, or is otherwise informed of his existence.

It is a terrible ache, an awful sensation, and her knees shake and her heart pounds and her throat clogs and her brain functions seemed to cease, all except for the ones that tell her to go to Max as quickly as possible. And sometimes she will even start for him before she can catch herself, and remember that no matter how much it hurts, it's worth it for the lives of 6 billion people.

She never believes it, though.

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken
By the violence of existing
For only you

She will have to stay away from him for now, she knows. But she can never give up hope that someday, they might be together again. Because if she ever gives up that hope, there is nothing left. There is no world for Liz Parker without Max in it. And she can walk away from him today if she can run to him tomorrow, but if she can't, she knows she won't survive.

And she knows it's true, not just some over-emphasized melodrama. She feels it, deep inside herself, a need, an aching need like hunger or thirst and the need for sleep. It's as strong, if not stronger than any of those.

Because once soulmates find each other, how can they ever go on without being together? Liz wonders. After all, if you didn't know you were half a person, if you didn't know what person in the world filled that empty spot inside of you, you could keep on looking, right? But if you know who it is, and couldn't be with them, well, what was there left for you then?

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

Liz will let him go today. And probably tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Maybe she will have to let him go for a lifetime. But she will always be with him in eternity, because he is her other half. Because after their deaths, after all of this craziness is finished, they will be together. Because, even if there isn't a heaven or a hell, even if there isn't reincarnation, even if they do nothing but cease to exist, they will be together.

Liz wasn't sure how, or why, she just knows it can't be any other way.

And I have the sense to recognize
But I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

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