I apologise in advance for the length of this - it started of as quite a little one-shot and suddenly ended up quite a bit longer. I also apologise for any random spelling / grammar errors - I did try to proof read but due to a combination of things it may not have been especially successful . If anything doesn't make any sense at all - let me know :D I hope this is ok though.
Tell him
That was all she'd heard from Mo for days; the words whispered when she passed her by and spoken with her eyes at moments when their gazes met. As it turned out there was an incredible number of ways of communicating those two very small words.
The truth was she was scared to tell him, it barely even seemed real to her but she knew she had too. He deserved to know, even if he considered the child to be the antichrist; it was still half his. His DNA entwined with hers to create this new being; someone unique.
She could see him; he was talking to a patient; oblivious to the turmoil in her mind and the growing embryo in her womb. He seemed happy. It saddened her, how happy he seemed to be despite their situation. He seemed to have gotten over her so easily and it twisted the knife in her heart a little. He seemed so normal, like nothing had happened between them.
A mistake he had called it; the night they created this child. A mistake made in the throes of grief for their young colleague, who had cruelly been taken long before her time. But the mistake had given her something; it had given her something to cling on to, a sense of hope.
She wanted him. More than she'd wanted anything before in her life. He thought she had everything and she wished he could see the truth. In terms of her career she probably did. She had fought she hard for what she had; devoted so much energy and sacrificed more than she cared to say but when it came down to it, it didn't make her feel as she expected. Instead she felt somewhat empty. She'd achieved so much of what she'd out to do; and what really did she have to show for it, really. To the outside world she had everything, in reality she had nothing and it had taken her until now to truly see it.
Perhaps that was how it worked for her. She was always fighting to get what she wanted, but not what she needed so when she achieved it, all she was left with was a sense of empty pride.
But now she had something. Something she hadn't really thought she wanted. A baby. She liked infants enough but she'd never really considered being a mother herself, or at least not in a serious way. But then the possibility had seemingly been stripped from her and suddenly it was something that perhaps she did want; maybe not right now but at some point in the future as part of a life with him
And now she was pregnant. And it was real and she thought she was happy. It was seemingly her miracle, her one shot at mother and it brought her hope. It brought her hope that perhaps there was something for her, a chance to feel something real, perhaps even a chance with him. This baby connected them, and she dared to hope that perhaps it would pull them back together.
Tell him
She heard the words in her head, even though Mo wasn't in the vicinity. In fact it had been a while since she'd seen the registrar but obviously she had perfected the art of telepathy. Or Jac had started to internalise the registrar and the knowledge that the nurse deserved to know.
He had turned and was walking towards her, away from the patient. She saw him change, the nurse mask slipping from his face and the real man emerging. She saw the way he looked at her the way his gaze tracked her face before he realised she noticed and he turned away.
That was how things were between them now. The silently watching the other, tracking them and secretly needing them until the moment they noticed and then you'd turn away and set your face to something resembling indifference so that they would forget what they'd seen seconds before.
He walked passed her and slipped in to the desk area. She could sense him, the way he was standing behind her. The closeness was enough to break her. She needed him close but this wasn't the closeness she desired. He was physically near but emotionally distant and that was enough to destroy her.
She twisted her chair around so that she was facing his back, watching as he sorted some paperwork.
Tell him
The voice was stronger, more threatening. She wondered if he could sense her eyes on him, the way the words burbled around her throat waiting to be said. They were so close, they wanted to escape and yet she held them back. She choked them away, scared of the man's reaction.
Unable to bear it, she stood up slowly, intending to escape to the sanctuary of her office. She wasn't ready yet despite the words rolling around in her head. It wasn't the right time, not now. Tomorrow was another day; a better day and she'd tell him then.
She stretched her spine out, suddenly aware that she'd been sitting for far longer that she'd thought. She closed her eyes for a second, squeezing them tight as she felt a niggling ache low in her abdomen.
She opened her eyes and took a step towards the opening in the desk so that she could slip away he noticed her movement.
The cramp caught her by surprise and left her leaning on to the desk as it engulfed. A pained squeak escaped her lips before she could stop it and again she closed her eyes, willing for the moment to pass. The cramps had been so much better in the last few weeks, supposedly an upside of pregnancy amidst the nausea and the tiredness.
She could feel him, he'd moved closer to her. The warmth of his body was comforting and when she felt the pain had passed, she opened her eyes and turned his face to look at him. The concern in his eyes as he looked at her.
"Are you ok?" he asked softly. He sounded caring, the nurse tone. His professional persona, it wasn't Jonny looking her but Nurse-Jonny. The difference was subtle but she'd come to recognise it.
Tell him
The voice was insistent in her head and she tried to push it away. She wanted to tell him, her Jonny, not his professional counterpart. This man was not her child's father, it was simply an act. She wanted the real person; the man she loved.
"I'm fine" she whispered, straightening herself up. She tried to force herself to smile a little to back up her words and she hoped that was relief she saw in his eyes at her words.
"Are you sure?" He didn't sound convinced and she thought perhaps she saw his mask slipping slightly revealing a little more of the real Jonny. She was almost sure that there was something resembling genuine concern in his eyes, and perhaps even the vaguest hint of caring; or maybe it was just her wishful thinking.
"I'm sure" she confirmed. She took a few more steps away from him, a sense of guilt washing over her. She'd had the opportunity and she was trying to walk away again. She was always walking away; or pushing them away. So many chances wasted, bridges burned; mistakes made and lessons left unlearned.
Tell him
She groaned as another wave of pain washed over her. She had nothing to lean on and she whimpered as she tried to remain upright. It wasn't the familiar pain that she'd become used too. This was different and she felt terror sweep over her body as the pain slipped away from her.
"Jac?" He was by her side again. He was real now, genuine and present. She felt an arm slip around her as he held her upright against his body, supporting her jellied legs. She allowed him to take her weight against him, as she closed her eyes again in response to the pain. She felt tears welling in her eyes. This wasn't right.
"Please" she pleaded, her voice low and scared. He waited until the tension in her body eased and he guided her towards an empty side room. There was no resistance and that worried him, Jac wasn't a woman to be lead, she was leader.
Tell him
She felt her body tense in response to another wave of pain and how instinctively he paused, how his hold on her tightened; his protectiveness touched her. He was here for her and it was something she had wanted for so long, she'd needed him but she'd pushed him away in her moments of weakness; scared of what he would do and how he would react.
She was scared now.
"You need to tell me what's going on?" Jonny whispered as he guided her closer to the room, stepping through the doorway, her body against his, moulded against him. He could feel her, the way the pain rolled through her causing her to tense and relax; how she changed in response to it. He leant more heavily in to him.
"I think I'm bleeding" her voice was soft; the voice of a little girl lost, the child alone in the dark scared and unsure with an edge of desperation. It was a voice so at odds with her image as the hard as nails icy consultant.
"Bleeding?!" He repeated the word, confused by it. He couldn't see any visible wounds nor any obvious source of bleeding and yet she seemed so utterly terrified at the prospect. She was shaking against him now and he looked down at the bowed figure by his side, she had turned her head away from him but he knew. He knew that she was crying, and that broke him.
"Blood, Jonny" she answered, the shake to her voice and a punctuating sob as she doubled over a little. The reality of the situation was dawning on her now and she could feel her heart shattering in her chest alongside the dreams in her head.
Tell him
The voice was softer now, desperate and sad. It was slipping from her consciousness and she wished it was loud and insistent as it had been before. She silently whispered an apology. He shouldn't find out like this. She tried to pull her body away from him, to get away from him. He could remain ignorant, he didn't need to know now. She didn't have to face his reaction and his retreating back. She could let him go.
"You can leave" she tried to force her voice to be stronger than she felt and she pushed herself a little bit further from him, struggling without the support of his body. She could feel the dampness between her legs, knowing soon it would seep through the material of her scrubs, turning them crimson.
"Jac" he sounded quiet and confused, unsure of why she'd moved away from him when her body was swaying so much without his support. She was looking up at him with her tear stained face; a face lined with pain and fear but she'd set her lips in a hard line.
"I don't need you" She stated, forcing the strength she didn't feel. He was watching her, he didn't walk away as she'd expected. After everything, she'd expected him to walk away easily. He owed her nothing and she'd set him free, he should have walked away but he stood firm. "I don't need some Scottish nurse; not now, not ever" she tried to hit him harder but she could hear the slight pleading in her words, the edge of desperation which was pushing out the harshness she'd intended. She expected him to walk away, he should have but she didn't want him to not really. She needed him, but she didn't expect anything of him; she had learned to expect nothing from those around her.
She whimpered again as another pain hit her, and she found herself leaning against the end of the bed. More tears spilling from her eyes, as the pain passed a little, she placed a hand to her cramping abdomen.
"You need to be checked out" Jonny whispered, slipping an arm back round her. The realisation that he was still here forced more tears from her eyes. His hand came to rest over hers, and she heard his sharp intake of breath as he twigged the position.
Tell him
The voice was weak now, quiet in her mind but somehow that was harder to ignore. She closed her eyes again and allowed herself to lean against him.
"Gynae" she whispered, "E.P.A.U" each letter was punctuated by a sob. She felt him lifting her in to his arms, his hold on her was so gentle and yet it was protective and strong. She turned her face against his chest, knowing her tears would seep through the material of his top. He turned his gaze downwards, to the change colour of her scrub bottoms, for a moment watching as it stained his top as well.
"You're going to be ok Jac" he whispered, trying to sound much stronger than he felt. The reality of what was happening dawning on him. She was shaking so much now, her body wracked with sobs and trying to cope with the pain that was crippling her. Her hand was still splayed over her cramping abdomen.
"It hurts" she murmured in to his chest and he held that that little bit tighter, cradling her body to him; in the way he had one day imagined he would cradle his child. His child. There had been a child, his and hers. Theirs. It had existed and lived within her. And now he cradled her as it's life slipped away. He swallowed back his own emotion.
"I know" he whispered. He could feel that way the pain was stealing her breath and how combined with the sobs it made her breathing laboured. He walked slowly, cradling her as she held on to him for dear life, scared of letting go; that if she did he'd disappear.
Holding her in the lift he allowed the wall to support his own body, to keep him upright. He needed to be strong for Jac, even though he could feel his own emotions come ever closer to the surface. He wanted to prove something to her. The moment when she'd tried to push him away again, he'd realised what she was doing.
"It's all my fault" she sobbed in to his chest, one hand was rested against her stomach and the other gripped the material of his uniform top. He found himself holding her that little bit tighter, wanting to comfort her but not entirely sure how. She nestled herself even further against him.
"Oh Jac" he spoke so quietly, but she heard him loudly and she turned her head a little so that she could see his face a little.
"My stupid broken body could even do this" she spoke so bitterly, and there was so much pain in her words that he wished that he could sweep it away, to fix things for her but he knew this was out of his control; all he could do was be here for her and hope that she'd let him. It scared him a little, how light she felt in his arms, there was so little too her.
"You're not broken" he answered her, knowing that he'd implied that she was, all those weeks ago. He'd reinforced this belief she held and now she was blaming herself for this, a cruel act of nature.
"I'm damaged, broken and unlovable" she was retreating in to her head, drowning in the thoughts that plagued her and he could feel her slipping from him, "I don't deserve good things" she was looking at him but she wasn't seeing him, not really.
"Listen to me Jac" He shifted her position a little in his arms, though it was a little awkward to do so. He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself, "this isn't your fault" he hoped she'd believe him but he could see the doubt in her eyes, the way she blinked and tried to process his words.
"I shouldn't be able to have children" she spoke so quietly, "I don't deserve to be a mother and no child should have to suffer a mother like me" she spoke haltingly, the emotion filling her words. The physical pain was lessening now and she heard the doors of the lift opening.
"No" he spoke confidently as he carried her out of the metal box and out in to the corridor. He needed to talk to her some more but he knew she wouldn't want their business spoken so publically so instead he wrapped his arms more tightly around her and held her, hoping she'd be able to feel the words he wasn't speaking right now.
He carried her to the EPAU and spoke to the woman on the desk, speaking in hushed tones, trying to explain the situation and to keep his tone steady and even. The woman seemed so at ease and it scared him a little, but to her this was the norm and probably something she saw far too often.
They were shown in to a little room with a single couch bed and a relative chair and told that a nurse would be with them shortly and Jonny had nodded, grateful for a moment of privacy again. He went to place her on the bed but he felt her grip harder on to him as he loosened his own grip.
"Hold me please" she pleaded quietly, so different from her earlier attempts to push him away and in response he settled himself in the chair with her huddled up on his lap, her head rested on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry" he whispered in to her hair and she turned her tear stained face to look up at him, a picture of confusion dancing on her face.
"It's me who should be sorry" She responded, and she felt another wave of tears slip down her cheek. Jonny released one hand to gently wipe them away with his finger and he gently placed a kiss on her forehead.
"You didn't cause this Jac" He whispered, moving his hand down on to her abdomen, wondering what it would have been like to watch it swell with their child, wondering when she would have told him; though now was not the time to ask, he just had to trust that she would have.
"It's karma" She closed her eyes, thinking of all of the thing she had done over the years "I don't deserve you or our baby, or any of that normal stuff. This is what I deserve" Jonny felt tears welling in his own eyes.
"Our baby" he whispered the words, the realisation suddenly hitting him, the words much more real now she'd spoken them.
"Our baby is dead because of me" She responded to him, with a bitterness and he gently rubbed her back, as he cradled her.
"It's not your fault" he freed one hand and used it to tilt her head carefully so that she was looking at his face, "Your beautiful and amazing and I'm sorry that you're losing our baby" he kissed the top of her head again and she blinked a little.
"You don't know" she answered, unable to accept his words. He didn't know the truth, and she still feared that if he did, he would leave her.
Tell him
The voice was weak, barely a whisper at the very edge of her mind.
"Know what Jac?" he sounded confused "I know your beautiful and amazing, sometimes stubborn and difficult because ultimately you like to be right even when you're not, I know you hurt and feel more than you let on and that you're scared of being alone but terrified of letting people in – I know the important things"
"Those are the important things?" her confusion matched his own but she knew his assessment of her was correct, he was one of the few people who had seen the truth in her and it made her wonder, what else he knew just from loving her. "I have endometriosis Jonny" she added finally and he blinked.
"And that's why you blame yourself?" he asked, closing his eyes for a second before he opened them "And why you've pushed me away? Oh my I'm right aren't I; you thought I'd leave you?"
"I was scared; I found myself wanting something, a shared dream and then it was shattered in my head so I tried to protect it in yours so you could share it with someone else" she murmured and she felt the tears slipping down her cheek "It's karma, payback for the unlovable broken Jac Naylor"
"Oh Jac" he tried to imagine what had been going through her head, how deeply his words must have cut.
"I thought this baby was my miracle, my chance" she whispered, moving her hand back down on to her abdomen, on the point where she though the baby had been just hours before, "I thought I could do it, love the baby and the baby would be able to love me and maybe we could have been happy" she sounded wistful and it made him ache for her. There was so much hurt in her, wounds from a lifetime of pain.
"And me?" he asked, somewhat curious as to where he would have fit in to her picture. She closed her eyes for a second, wondering how honest she should be; if she could even be honest.
Tell him
It was squeak. Words barely identifiable, but she knew them.
"I didn't know if you'd want us" she shook her head, no that wasn't right "me. I didn't know if you'd want to be involved with me – you said it was a mistake and you didn't exactly mince your words before" she clarified and he held her a bit tighter, the guilt overwhelming him a little and he took in what she was saying.
"I was hurt Jac, but it was words – badly chosen but just angry words" he whispered. She rested her head back down against him, exhaustion taking over her body.
"I'm sorry" she whispered again, closing her eyes and turning her head against him.
"You don't need to apologise, not now" he held her, he could almost feel the beat of her heart against his chest along with the rise and fall of her chest, the occasionally hitch of a sob.
"please don't leave me" she whispered against his shoulder, moving in closer. She had been waiting so long for this, to feel his arms around her, holding her. But she wished it wasn't because of this, that they weren't here in this room waiting for someone to confirm the loss of their child.
"I'm not going to leave you" he answered, hating that she felt the need to plead with him to stay.
"Everyone leaves me" she responded, quietly. A voice muffled by his clothing. He closed his eyes for a second. Everyone leaves me. It was a statement, an absolute. He saw it now, this baby had been her chance and her hope; the person wouldn't leave her because she wouldn't let it, she'd fight with every ounce of her being and yet still fate had stolen it from her.
"I'm not going to leave you" he stated placing his hand and hers "you can shout at me, scream at me but I won't leave you. You'll have to kill me first and I don't think you have that in you" he added and he felt her mouth change shape against him, he hoped it was a slight smile.
"And if I can't give you a family – our family?" she whispered, her fear still close to the surface. He squeezed her hand. The crimson stain on the clothing they both wore was a reminder of what they had lost, the chance they had had. A part of each other - a biological mix of their genes combined in to someone new which connected them together. But he knew they didn't need that to love each other, to be a family. It was something he wanted, and he hoped that one day but he didn't want to push her. One step at a time, that was how they'd journey together.
"Then we'll be a family of two, with our guardian angel watching over us" he answered "maybe a fur-baby and we'll send Christmas cards signed with Fido and send updates on his progress like this year Fi has learn three new tricks and was crowned best in show at the Holby Dog Show – we'll be those people"
"I love you" she whispered in to his shoulder. I told him she stated silently to herself, a silent prayer to the little voice who'd been at the back of her mind, the voice she'd presumed to be Mo. The future scared her but she felt safe in his arms, and for once she trusted him. She trusted his promise and she hoped he wouldn't let her down – and that she wouldn't let him down. She hoped they had a future – perhaps another miracle, but if not she hoped they'd be ok.
"I love you too" he answered and she believed him.