I don't know what I'm doing
I haven't known what I'm doing for a while now.
I tried
I tried so hard, but no matter what I do, I'm barely above water
I`m gonna let go now, I don't want to fight anymore. I'm too tired
Every time I try to stand, it hurts more when fall after. Just give up, give it all up
It hurts, god, it hurts so much. I just want it to stop
I stare at the cold water under me. I don't cry, I can't cry. I look at it with empty eyes dried by the cold breeze slamming into me. I'm finally doing it. I look up into the star filled sky one last time and take a deep breath, I feel my lungs filling. The burn in my chest remind me that I'm still alive, that I'm still here but not for long. This is it, my final moments.
I can't help but look back at my life, how wonderful it had been for the most part. I should have known better than to think that things won't change. It was my fault, my chest contracts with the heartache. I Take one last look at the stars and close my eyes for a second.
"There are other opinions you know"
The sound toke me so off guard that I almost jumped out of my skin, and the bridge! I gasp and quickly reach out for the railing barley registering the feeling of the freezing metal. I look around for the source of the sound when my eyes land on a blonde woman hugging a dark winter coat, in a desperate way to bring warmth
"Go away, I'm not worth saving" I grunt and look back at the water
"oh, don't get me wrong , I'm not trying to save you" she says with a furrowed eyebrows as if she had been offended "I'm just pointing out that there are other ways to comment suicide" she shrugs
I let out a snort "yeah? And what's wrong with this one?" I muck
"Well" she says walking up to you. but it's not a hesitant walk , she`s not afraid that you might jump if she came any closer , she leans over the railing looking at the water " first of all the water is freezing" she said as if it's the most obvious thing " secondly , do you know how drowning feels?"
"uhh"
"daggers, it feels like knives and daggers slicing into your lungs over and over" you`d swore that her hazel eyes burned a hole right through your skull with how sharp her gaze is but then she blinks and looks away "I have to say, it's not how I would want to go" she her tone is casual and you wonder if she even understands that she`s talking to a person who`s jumping off a bridge
"And how do you imagine yourself going?" you ask, you don't even know why would you care, you`ve already made your decision, haven't you?
"pills, women can always get pills" she`s smirking and you`re thinking that she might have done this before. You`re both silent for a while, how is it that you only attracts the nut jobs? But hey, aren't you the one about to jump? "do you want to have dinner with me?" it came out of nowhere and you find yourself staring at this woman like she`s the crazy one. I mean, how thick could you get? Asking a jumper out on a date?
She sees you`re confused and she lets out a nervous chuckle " well you see, I'm supposed to be on a date right now , I believe I got stood up" she confuses , but still the way she talks throws you away . It's calm, calculated, and void of emotion. as if she`s giving a speech
"Can`t see why someone would do that" you mumble and allow yourself a low throaty chuckle, at yourself, at this woman, and on the hole situation
"I know, right?" she says and you can see that she did not get the sarcasm in your remark; a ghost of a smile plays on your lips
"So, would you be my date tonight?" finally you see her smile hopefully
"Look, lady. I-"
"Maura" she interrupts, still hopeful
"Ok, Maura. I really fail to see how you`re missing the fact that I'm about to jump off a bridge here" you say flatly and she knits her brows again
"Oh I understand that you`re going to jump alright. But I gave you an easier option" she defends
"What?" you breathe out annoyed
"pill!" she says again " honestly , you look like life haven't been kind to you so wouldn't you rather to not suffer dying as well" she places a hand on her waist and you blink trying to gather what she`s saying " come on we`ll have dinner and then you can do whatever it is you want to be doing , please?" and in that 'please' she had turned from this grown composed woman , to this little child " I really don't want to be the one who got stood up on a Saturday night" she smiles again . You don't say anything "ok, fine" she finally sighs "if you changed your mind you`ll find me at the restaurant down the street, ask for isles. Ok then it was nice to meet you …?" she waits for you to say something but you don't, still struck by this woman's persistent "anyway, In case I never see you again :have a nice life, or death, which ever it is. Bye" she rumbles nervously before walking away.
You don't actually know how you ended up in front of this high restaurant, you`re thinking of getting the hell out of there, but your curiosity is far greater. Walking inside you instantly feel out of place , even the staff are looking at you oddly , you mumble that you`re looking for miss isles table and eyebrows flew off the roof , maybe you shouldn't have come here in the first place .
You are lead to her table and you see her nursing a glass of wine, she had shed out of her heavy coat and was now siting in an amazing read dress that hugged her curves, you finally notice her boobs, wait those weren't there earlier were they? You offer an embarrassed smile as you`re caught staring and you feel the blood rushing to your cheeks
"Oh! Jumper! nice of you to come" she says as you finally reach her table
"Jumper? Really?" you grunt
"Well, you haven't gave me a name and I have to call you something" you look down not wanting to answer. there is a plate in front of you , along with forks and spoons that were way too much for one person
"Expecting someone?" you ask
"You"
"But, what if I had jumped?" you ask, and you know how stupid you sound
"You wouldn't have jumped" she shrugs, going through the menu
"You don't know that" you snore
"Yes I do" she answers flatly and you`re almost offended by the remark
"Anything particular in mind?" she askes
"Huh?"
"Food" she clarifies "what do you want to eat?" you shrug, still feeling out of place, still feeling people staring at you and you squirm in your seat. she`s talking to the waiter in French and you can't help but notice how beautiful every word sounds coming out of her mouth
"So" she clears her throat "are you finally convinced that jumping off a bridge isn't the best way to go?" again, casually, normal, everyday talk. She might as well be talking about the weather
"I haven't decided yet" you mumble embarrassed, she must feel sorry for you, she pity you, that's the only reason she invited you here you tell yourself
Not a word is spoken throughout dinner, you`re too embarrass to even talk and her, and well she seems to be enjoying the silence. You steal glances now and then at her, but you find that her eyes are focused on the plate in front of her.
"Well jumper that was a wonderful dinner. I had a good time, thank you" she says when you`re both are out in the street
"Don't mention it, and stop calling me jumper" you almost whine
"Then what should I call you?" she tiles her head to the side, you don't say anything "have a good night jumper" she smirks and starts walking away. Suddenly you`re scared, suddenly you don't want her to go. In your mind that would mean that you`ll be left alone with your demons and you start to panic
"wait" you call , she stops walking and turns her head toward you "can-" you clear your throat "can we have dinner again?" you look everywhere but her eyes , not wanting to see the look she may give you before she turns you down
"Again?" you hear how confused she is "are you still hungry?" you can't help but smile. How is it that two hours ago, that was one impossibility and now, around her, it's all she makes you do
"No, I mean, some other time". You finally screw up the courage to look at her,
"If you hang around long enough" she smiles, you can't help but smile along with her and your heart doesn't hurt that bad anymore.