Author's Note: Alrighty, meet my new plot bunny! I've decided to write this in first-person because I have only ONE other story written in first person and it's never bad to get some practice. I'm not sure if this will be a multi-chaptered one or not, but I'm preeetty sure that I'll have no choice but to extend it simply for my own sake if not yours.

All of this is in Reno's POV.

I hate being sober. Sober provides that small and sudden period of lucidity after a night of drinking that lets me realize just what I did and who I did it with. At the moment, as I'm lying in bed on my stomach butt-ass naked while some girl I don't remember bringing home combs her fingers through my hair, scratches her nails down my back, and whispers some bullshit at me about how she needs to go home and feed her cats, mispronouncing my name about seven times because she's so wasted that she can't remember what it is, I curse sobriety.

Why can't I just be off my ass drunk all the time? That way when I bring home crazy cat lady and sleep with her I don't have to realize that she wasn't who I wanted. I wouldn't have to think about the fact that the fingers trailing over my back, silently begging me to fuck the weird cat obsessed freak again before she leaves aren't sending the type of shivers I want down my spine. I wouldn't have to realize that the somewhat slurred voice purring into my ear like one of those damned cats I somewhat remember pretending to care about last night is not the voice I want to hear. If I could just stay drunk all the time, I wouldn't have to pretend to care that the warm body pressing against mine is leaving. I wouldn't have to pretend that I want to see crazy cat lady again when she pulls a business card out of her gaudy as hell purse that I vaguely remember puking in and presses it into my half-asleep hands. I wouldn't have to fake a yawn to keep her from kissing me before she leaves and hopefully never comes back.

I wouldn't have to care that she stole my shirt either.

I roll over and glare at my ceiling for awhile after she leaves, still too tired to get the hangover whose ghastly effects I should be immune to by now. I throw her disturbingly soggy business card onto the floor where it lands noiselessly next to the dark piles of dirty laundry piled haphazardly around my room that will create a wonderfully difficult post-binge drinking obstacle course for me tomorrow morning. Work tomorrow will be hell.

Tseng will be able to see my hangover from a mile away and he will feed off my self-inflicted pain and anguish. Rude will just grunt and toss my paperwork onto my desk with more force than usual so he can watch me cringe at the almost soundless thump. Elena; well, Elena's reaction to me every morning is hard to predict. Depends on what time of the month it is, if you catch my drift.

I roll over and try to awkwardly squirm myself away from the sticky mess that has ruined my sheets. Fortunately for me, crazy cat lady was as unexciting in the sack as a crazy cat lady can get so a good sized portion of my bed is clean and dry. It's that part that I curl up and try to die in.

Oh super fun completely oblivious drunken self, why have you forsaken me?

Waking up is hell. I thought work was hell, but waking up is definitely worse. The alarm clock screams every morning at precisely seven o'clock, but that's my own fault for setting it so that I can sober up a little in time to get ready to be late for work. I crawl out of bed pathetically, something I've been getting better and better at with practice, and totter unsteadily to my feet and half-walk, half-fall into the shower so I can try and smell decent today. I learned a while ago that no one but me can appreciate the lovely scent that is stale Reno.

Why the hell I want to go to work, I'm not exactly sure. Work has been absolute hell lately, hung-over or not. Tseng has been shoving more paperwork on me than normal even though we've had nothing happen in the past month that would require the stupid duplicate and triplicate filing he wants. Rude has been off as well, his unusually quiet and standoffish demeanor even more unusually quiet and standoffish, if that's even possible. The only normal person has been Elena; happy, moody, predictably unpredictable Elena.

As I turn on the shower with some difficulty due to the pounding throbbing sensation that has fully permeated my entire body, I can't help but think the horridly depressing thought that the thing at work that is off is me. I've been drinking more lately, having more random sex with strangers, and at the rate I'm smoking I'm surprised my lungs haven't given me the finger and given up completely. All things considered, I should be in line for a new liver, I should have about fifty awkwardly placed rashes, blisters, and boils related to various sexually transmitted diseases, and I shouldn't be able to breathe. Yeah, I'm the perfect picture of fuckin' health.

I only manage to get myself halfway clean in the shower before I give up on the stupidly slippery soap that absolutely refuses to remain in my hand long enough for my bleary eyes to focus on the part of my body I want clean, which is all anyone really expects of me anyways. I slip on the floor and fall on my face the second I step out of the shower; I forgot to close the shower curtains and the floor is sopping wet, which means my towel is too. This means I get to go to work looking like a drunken drowned rat, instead of just a drunk. How I've survived on my own for over twenty years is a complete and total mystery when I can't even manage to shower right.

The honest truth is surviving isn't exactly the term most would use to describe me. Barely able to scrape by sounds a lot more accurate. I haven't had a decent hair cut in years; I usually just chop off whatever part of my bangs is bothering me and throw the rest in a ponytail because actually paying for a haircut would put a small dent in my alcohol and cigarette fund. I don't eat much for the same reason I don't get my hair cut. The alcoholic inside me thinks the idea of a healthy happy me is repulsive so to keep my alcoholic little self happy, I stay unhappy and unhealthy.

After sloshing my way through the lake that used to be my bathroom I wander into the kitchen. I still haven't bothered to get dressed and I would be dry if it weren't for the fact that any towels I have are now sitting on the floor of the bathroom trying to soak up the lake before it leaks through the floor and drips into the apartment of the guy that lives below me. Last time that happened he wasn't very happy with me and I received a rather extensive bill from him. Since bills like that tend to cut into my drinking fund I've decided that it's not in my best interests to get another one. Well, maybe it is in my best interests to be forced out of drinking for awhile, but the alcoholic in me just refuses to go through that again.

If there is one thing I can manage to do right, it's brew a pot of coffee. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have coffee around to wash away the flavor of cheap booze and the horribly invasive taste of crazy cat ladies. I chug down one cup with a few painkillers to take the edge off the hangover and then take the next cup slowly, savoring the morning goodness that puts my pounding head at ease. As I sober up some more with my coffee I drip onto the slick linoleum that covers my kitchen floor and the second I set my cup down and make to leave the kitchen I fall flat on my face. I'm going to have a lot of interesting bruises to try and explain at work today. Hopefully everyone will think I just got in a bar fight again last night and they won't pry too much. It's not hard to believe that I got in a fight; my drunken alter-ego has a bad habit of picking fights with the first person to look at me cross-eyed or make a valid complaint about my inexcusable behavior. I'm not very nice drunk, but I'm not very nice sober either. I guess I'm just an all around asshole.

Pants are difficult when hung-over. I've made a note of this several times, but I have not yet found a way to simplify the task of putting them on. Shirts are pretty easy, especially when I don't button them all the way and conveniently forget to tuck them in the way Tseng wants me to. Someday I'll do it just to confuse him, but after that it'll never happen again, so I'm saving the properly dressed idea for a special occasion.

There is one thing I don't ever forget to do in the morning, hung-over, drunk, or sober, and that's brush my teeth. No matter how many tries it takes me to get the toothpaste onto the brush I do it. I've seen what happens to the stupid bastards who don't brush their teeth, I'm usually the one who knocks their teeth out actually. I like my teeth in my head. Besides, who the hell wants to walk around smelling morning breath, let alone tasting it?

By the time I pull myself into work I should be late. Unfortunately for me, today marks the day where the clocks were supposed to jump back an hour. Whoever thought of daylight savings time should go die. It makes no sense and every single year I lose sleep because I forget all about changing my clock. Tseng raises an eyebrow when I stagger into the office early, something like approval written in the smirk that crosses his face as I half heartedly salute at him. Too bad I'll be late again tomorrow, he seems to like the fact that I'm here early.

One thing that makes me feel better is the fact that I'm not the only one who has unwittingly dragged himself out of bed early. Rude looks like shit. I smile at him and he gives a rather grumpy grunt in my general direction, a sure sign that he is happy to see me. I wander into the break room to celebrate the first time I've been early all year by brewing a nice big pot of strong coffee for us poor, unfortunate, sleepy souls who can't remember to fix their clocks.

By the time I'm on my third cup Elena walks in, as bright and chipper as ever as she waves at me and Rude and sips at a foam cup filled with something that has to taste better than this shitty break room coffee. She's so happy that she's practically glowing as she sits next to me, not seeming to notice the bruises on my face or the dark circles under Rude's eyes.

"Morning guys!" Her voice is loud. So very, very loud. It makes my hangover angry.

Rude gives her his grunt of greeting and I quickly swallow my mouthful of coffee, scalding my throat in the process. "Mornin' Laney." It hurts to talk, but there's no way I'm going to give up the chance to talk to Elena.

She sips at her coffee and gives us both a rather smug look. "You forgot to change your clocks, didn't you?"

Rude groans and quickly buries his sorrow at loosing an hour of sleep in his coffee. I nod and follow his lead. Sometimes coffee is the only cure for the blues.

Elena giggles and pulls a box out of her awkwardly large purse. I have no idea what girls find so appealing about purses, but I'm sure whatever it is has to be hiding in that box. "I figured you two would forget so I brought something that might cheer you guys up!" She has to be so happy for a reason. There's no possible way someone can wake up with that much happy on their face.

Rude raises an eyebrow and opens the box. Inside sit a dozen wonderfully glazed donuts. He takes one with an utterly blissful look on his face and begins munching on it with a small grunt of thanks. I've gotta hand it to Elena, she really knows how to make someone's ridiculously sucky day a million times better. "Laney, have I ever told you how amazing you are?"

Elena blushes and giggles again, briefly hiding behind her cup in an attempt to hide how happy she is with my compliment. "No, but you can say it again when I haven't bribed you with food."

I laugh and happily take one of the delicious donuts. There is just something about a donut that will make any morning better, hung-over or not. "Why ya so happy this morning Laney-pie?"

Elena blushes and feigns confusion. "What do you mean? I'm always happy!"

I snigger and munch on my donut with as happy a smile as I can manage while my head throbs in protest. "Yeah, but today you're happier than normal. Spill the beans Laney, what's got you in such a good mood?"

Elena grins and practically bounces in her seat. There should be laws against so much happy before noon. "My birthday is tomorrow!"

I would slap myself in the face if it wouldn't aggravate the bruises that are slowly swelling on my abused face. I'm so bad at remembering things that it's a wonder I can tie my shoes without instruction. "No shit? Damn! How old are you gonna be birthday girl?"

"Twenty-seven." Elena blushes softly and plays with the edge of her cup. I really love it when she blushes, it makes her look so pretty and I can't help but fight the urge to pet one of those flushing cheeks every time she does it. I hate having to keep my hands to myself, but Tseng was very clear when he hired her that I was not to touch. I can look all I want, but touching is absolutely forbidden.

Rude whistles appreciatively and grins at her. "How are you celebrating?"

Elena shrugs and the blush fades, much to my chagrin. "I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do."

Tseng walks in before I can suggest my favorite birthday plans, which is probably a good thing. I'm pretty sure Elena doesn't find strippers and booze as appealing as I do. "Rude! A word please."

Rude nods and leaves, giving Elena a gentle pat on the back and a smile as he walks away. I hate the fact that everyone but me is allowed to touch her. She looks at me and smiles before getting up. "I'll see you later Reno, I've got some paperwork to catch up on."

She leaves and I'm left in the break room by myself, a quickly cooling cup of coffee in one hand and a half eaten donut in the other. Suddenly neither taste as good as they did five seconds ago. For some reason food always tastes better when Elena is in the room.

I sigh and toss the donut and coffee in the garbage, my appetite suddenly gone. I walk to my office with my hands in my pockets, winking at a few secretaries on the way. For some reason even though I look like shit and smell like ass women are still drawn to me. It's too bad the one woman I actually want has been put completely out of my reach.

I sit at my desk and spin the chair around a few times before the hang-over swears at me for being such an idiot and making myself dizzy. I shakily pull my paperwork towards me as I try to fight the overwhelming urge to vomit all over the place and start filling it out. Paperwork doesn't help nausea and pretty soon I'm running to the bathroom to throw up. Once I'm done pouring my insides into the toilet I feel so much better that I skip back to my office. There's something about eating that just doesn't agree with me. Maybe it's the whole 'food' concept, or it's the fact that ninety percent of the time I'm hung-over.

Either way, I feel like I wasted a perfectly good donut.

I pass the rest of my morning in a confusing haze of doing paperwork and really needing a cigarette. When lunchtime finally rolls around I rejoice and run outside, pulling out a cigarette with somewhat bloody fingers, whoever made paper so sharp needs to die. I curl up in my smoking spot outside to soothe the savage nicotine addicted beast that's been bouncing around my head since my hangover started pulling its claws from my brain.

I sit on the concrete and breathe toxic clouds in peace, my entire body relaxing as the head pounding craving is sated. Cigarettes and I have a love hate relationship. I love them, but hate the fact that every five minutes it seems like I need another. I also hate the looks of disgust I get from people who pass by as I slowly pickle my insides with the toxic smoke. I have no idea why these strangers care that I'm more comfortable breathing smoke than air, but it pisses me off when they look at me the way they do.

I start and nearly drop my cigarette when I hear a far too chipper voice behind me, burning my fingers as I fumble to keep my cigarette. Elena giggles and sits down beside me on the pavement, a completely unheard of and seemingly taboo move.

I hastily wipe off the ash that exploded all over me when I played catch with my cigarette and she smiles at me. "So this is what you do on your lunch breaks Reno?"

I blush and she giggles again. If my stupidity makes her smile then I think I'm going to purposefully drop my IQ a few more notches. "Y-yeah, this is what I do." I sound like a stuttering idiot, but that makes her smile more. Stupidity certainly does work well on women.

Elena waves some smoke out of her face but otherwise doesn't seem to mind when I take a shaky puff on my cigarette. "You don't eat?"

I shake my head and instantly feel guilty when she frowns cutely at me. Damn her and her ability to make me feel. I look away and try not to spill any more ash on my smarting fingers. "No, not really. Food and I don't get along lately."

She sighs and pulls her knees up to her chest. "I…uh…I heard you throwing up earlier."

I could slap myself right now. While rushing towards the bathroom I had completely forgotten that the one I was using was right next to Laney's office. I should've just stayed in my office and barfed out the window. I'm sure passerby would have gotten a kick out of that. "I puked my guts out, but with the grace of Gaia and a long handled spoon I got them back in." She giggles and I feel a small amount of pride for my sudden wittiness.

"You look like you got in a fight last night." Elena suddenly grabs my face and forces me to look at her, something I've been trying to avoid doing since she sat down.

The only thing I can think about when she touches my face is how much the throbbing pain eases. I thought that having someone touching a hurt makes it worse, but her hands are so gentle and cool that the almost feverish ache in my face vanishes. I can almost feel her hand pulling the heat out of my somewhat swollen face and as she stares at me I know I'm supposed to be making excuses right now. I'm supposed to be explaining away the somewhat purple bruises littering my face, but my mouth isn't working. Hell, I'm pretty sure my brain has shut down completely. I'm stuck admiring neatly parted yellow hair, honey brown eyes, and cherry pink lips. Right now those lips are frowning because I have yet to answer the unasked question of why I'm so banged up. "I had a minor disagreement with gravity this morning."

"It looks like gravity kicked your ass." Elena giggles but doesn't release my face. I'm hoping that's because she likes holding it, but I'm inclined to think she has some other reason for keeping my face in place.

I laugh and shove my forgotten cigarette into the ground as it burns closer and closer to my already singed fingers, not bothering to light another one. I don't want to smoke anymore, not while Elena is around at least. "You should see how gravity looks right now if you think this is bad."

Elena doesn't answer as she continues staring at me. If it were anyone else grabbing my face and forcing me to look at them, I'd be pissed and they'd be bleeding, but since it's Elena and I really don't mind looking at her I stay still. I can tell there's something else she wants to ask, but I'm not confident enough in my control over my speech to try and say something to end the silence.

We both jump when Tseng clears his throat and stands in front of us, looking as official and intimidating as he normally does. I immediately pull my face away from Elena's grip and stare at the ground where my still smoldering cigarette end lay smoking weakly on the pavement. I can feel the disproval Tseng is practically radiating towards me and I know I'm in trouble.

"Reno, I need to see you in my office in ten minutes." Tseng's voice is crisp and clear and leaves no room for argument so I simply nod. There's no point in trying to defend what remains of my lunch break, it's not like I'm using it anyways.

Elena seems to think about that differently than I do though because she's bristling with the indignation I should be feeling. "Tseng! We've got almost a half hour left in our lunch break! Technically he's off duty right now and you can't call him into your office in ten minutes! It's not fair!"

Tseng is frowning at her; I don't have to look at him to know that. "A Turk is never off duty Elena."

I think I like it when she's angry for me, it saves me the trouble of trying to out-argue Tseng. "That's not true and you know it Tseng! You won't be able to call me in tomorrow while I'm gone so why should you be able to call him in while he's on break?"

I finally look up, confusion pulling my eyebrows up my forehead. "You're going to be gone tomorrow Laney?"

She turns from Tseng and the angry scowl on her face disappears to be replaced with a happy smile. "Tomorrow's my birthday silly! Of course I'm taking the day off!" She turns back to Tseng and the scowl etches into her face again. "The point is Tseng you can't call him in during our lunch break!"

Tseng sighs and runs a hand over his face, a sure sign that he is not in the mood to argue the point. I'm not sure if that means he's going to give the battle to Elena, but I kind of hope he does. I really don't want to have her angry at Tseng over something about me. "Elena, he's not going to use his lunch break to eat and we both know it!" Elena scowls at him and he rolls his eyes. "Dammit Elena! Fine, I'll compromise. Reno, meet me in my office in fifteen minutes."

He leaves and I gape, ridiculously confused but fairly happy with the change in plans, no matter how slight a change it is. I won't tell Elena, but I really don't want to leave her company and even a few extra minutes with her is something for me to treasure. We've been talking for only a few minutes and now my hangover seems like a thing of the past, my face barely even twinges, for the first time in what feels like forever I'm not dying for a cigarette or booze, and I think I can feel a genuine smile pulling on my lips.

Elena is almost growling with indignation and somehow she manages to make blind fury look pretty as hell. She turns to me and frowns. "Are you just going to let him push you around?"

I shrug and school my face to indifference, lighting up a cigarette simply for something to do. I light it, but I just hold it as she frowns at me. "Why shouldn't I? I don't mind and I didn't really have any plans ya know?" My real thought is that he's my boss and if I do what he says maybe he'll stop swamping me with paperwork and expecting me to actually do it, but I'm pretty sure that would sound pretty damned whiney so I keep that thought in my head.

Elena sighs and shakes her head. "It's not that, it's the principle of it!"

I laugh and flick ash off my cigarette, watching the death stick burn closer to my fingers. "I'm not too worked up about it. So whatcha gonna do on your day off Laney?"

She smiles as I expertly distract her from her anger at Tseng. "I'm going to go shopping, duh! What else is a girl gonna do?"

I grin evilly. "Go mud wrestling?"

Elena rolls her eyes and punches me in the shoulder lightly. "In your dreams Reno!"

If only she knew how right that statement was.

She giggles and wraps her arms around her knees. "I've got the morning filled up with shopping, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the evening. I was actually kinda wondering…If you'd like to spend the evening with me. You know, if you're not busy or anything?"

I gape and she blushes as I try to absorb what she just said. I'm pretty sure that invitation for a night with Elena was for me, but I'm also sure I might be delirious. "Huh? Me?"

Elena blushes darker and smiles at me. "Well you're the only one here aren't you?"

I look around and shove my cigarette into the pavement as it burns my fingers. "Yeah I guess so since I don't think you're trying to invite the hobo over there." The bum gives me the finger as my voice carries across the empty street.

"No I don't think I want to invite him, he seems rather rude." Elena sticks her tongue out at the bum and giggles as he returns the gesture. "So… Do you want to come?"

"Of course I do!" I beam and stand, dusting off my shirt. "I'll meet you after work?" I stretch a hand down to help Elena up, hoping she'll take it without noticing that it's shaking violently.

She lets me help her up and nods. "Sounds good Reno! I'll meet you at your place?"

I nod and give her a sloppy salute. I normally have a sloppy salute on purpose, but this one is the worst I've ever given since my hands are shaking so much I'm surprised I can work them. "That sounds good. I'm gonna go see Tseng before his head explodes, okay?" I turn and run off before she has time to respond.

As I sprint up the stairs I try to tell myself that my face is red because of the stress brought on by sprinting pell-mell up sixty-four flights of stairs, but I know there's a completely different reason for it. Tseng probably won't buy that excuse either since he knows I have the uncanny ability to run from the top floor to the bottom without any signs of effort after pulling a skillfully timed prank that completely ruins an entire meeting. He absolutely despises me for being able to get away so quickly after forcing another Reeve-filled meeting into his schedule. It's the cruelest form of payback I can think of for all the paperwork he gives me.

I stop in front of his office and use any of the remaining fifteen minutes I have left to control my breathing and force the blood from my face. Once I feel that I've controlled myself enough to face Tseng I open the door and swagger in with all my usual pomp and circumstance. "Yo boss-man! What's on your mind?" I throw myself into the chair across from his desk and shove my feet onto his nicely filed papers.

The fact that he didn't immediately shove my feet to the floor lets me know just how angry he is.

Tseng frowns and pulls a file out from under my feet, smoothing it and tossing it onto my lap. I raise an eyebrow and pick it up, brushing off some of the dirt my shoes left on the manila folder. "An assignment? I thought you had me in here for an ass chewin'!" I wrinkle my nose and move to throw the file aside when I catch the name printed under the dirt smeared across the front.

Tseng smirks as I feel the blood drain from my face. "I think the assignment should come before the lecture this time."

I shakily open the folder with Elena's name stamped across the front, anger and confusion warring inside me. The only time I have ever seen a mission folder with a Turks name stamped on it was when I was required to eliminate said Turk. It's an assignment that is rarely given and I have only been given it once. It's torture trying to open the envelope when my fingers refuse to obey me. I truly hope Tseng doesn't want me to kill Elena, I simply can't do it.

Tseng chuckles as he watches me fumble with the envelope. "It's not an elimination order, Reno. Her name isn't written in red."

I sigh with shaky relief and suddenly find myself able to open the envelope. "Thank gaia."

Tseng nods and begins filling out some of the paperwork stacked beneath my feet, yanking it out and brushing it clean with a small frown. I still don't know why he hasn't just pushed my feet off, it's not like I really want them to be propped up anyways. I only have them there to annoy him. His reluctance to remove my feet rekindles my fear of his lecture.

I pull out the file and spend a few seconds simply staring at the picture of Elena clipped to the front. It's not the world's most flattering picture, file photos are rarely taken at opportune times and Elena looks like she's just woken up. I allow myself a small, quickly hidden from Tseng smile before tucking the photo behind the papers and reading the assignment details.

When I finish I look at Tseng and click my heels to get his attention. "What the hell Tseng?"

Tseng sighs and shoves my feet off his desk, something I'm happy about since my ass is starting to cramp from the awkward position I've put myself in. "I thought it was a fairly straight forward assignment Reno, or are you trying to tell me you can't read?"

I've learned to ignore the many comments he makes about my lack of intelligence. "Why the hell do you think Elena would be in any danger? She's just going shopping!"

Tseng frowns at me and sets his papers down. "Listen Reno, the company has lost fifteen personnel this month because of this anti-Shinra group and I'm not taking any chances with my Turks! Elena has already refused my offer to accompany her on her trip and she won't allow Rude to go either. Since she's being difficult I figured it would be wise to send someone to trail her and since you're able to blend in better than Rude and I you're the obvious choice for the job. Besides, I know for a fact you won't let her out of your sight because you like staring at her ass too much for that."

I blush but decide not to deny that fact. Elena does have a pretty nice ass. "So just trail her all day and keep an eye on her?" I can do that; I won't even bother complaining about being given a last minute assignment with little to no time for preparation. I was already going to spend the evening with her, now I get to spend all day watching her and get paid for it. I'm pretty sure this is one of the most kick ass amazing assignments I've been given in a long time.

Tseng nods and folds his hands, leaning across the desk to give me a severe frown. The time for the lecture has come. "You will behave yourself. I have already told you what Rude and I will do if you hurt Elena."

Yeah, he's told me that more times than I want to think about. I can't have her, I'm not good enough for her, I'd only end up hurting her, I'm not faithful enough for the kind of stable relationship she needs; the list of reasons I've been given for why I should keep my hands off Elena is long and grows daily. I have absolutely no desire to awaken the big brother instincts Tseng and Rude have for her. I've abused my body enough on my own and I don't need any help with that.

I sigh and tuck the file back into the folder. "I'll be good."

Tseng frowns. "I doubt we have the same definition of the word, good."

I frown and stand, the file tucked under one arm. "I won't do anything to hurt her. I don't care if you believe that or not, it's the truth."

Tseng resumes filing his paperwork. "No, I don't believe you. It doesn't matter either, because now that you are fully aware of the consequences what happens to you isn't my responsibility."

I stiffen and leave the room without another word, taking the disturbing feeling that I had just been emotionally socked in the gut with me. It feels like Tseng's dismissal of my honesty is the beginning of something truly upsetting, but I've got no idea why I feel this way. It's almost like I was just told that anything and everything I've ever said is worthless and without any value whatsoever. In some ways that's true.

I walk to my office and toss the file into one of the many drawers in my desk before stalking moodily to the bathroom farthest from Elena's office. I sit and stare at myself in the mirror, trying to comprehend just what everyone else thinks about me and why. I only need a quick glance at my reflection to know why Tseng doesn't trust me. How many people would take the word of a drunken, filthy, asshole for truth? I'm rather surprised Rude even bothers to talk to me; maybe he saw something in me once, but whatever it was it has to be gone now. Looking at me in the mirror is something I've been unable to do for a few months. I broke mine into pieces in a drunken fit of self-loathing. I really wish my self-loathing episodes were limited to my drunk time.

I grip the edges of the sink and look down, unable to stand the face look back at me. The idea that a girl like Elena would ever want me is such a joke that I can't help but laugh pathetically. A few people enter the bathroom, leaving quickly when they spot me laughing hysterically by the sink. I'm starting to work myself into a hateful frenzy, something that hasn't happened since the last time I looked in the mirror. I still have scars on my hands from the last time I got this worked up and they stand out as I grip the edge of the sink tightly.

I'm only a few more peals of maniacal laughter away from recreating the scene that happened in my own bathroom months ago when I feel a hand grip my shoulder. I spin around and come face to face with a frowning Rude, the laughter cutting off the second I catch sight of his blurred face. I shakily wipe my confusingly wet eyes. "H-hey Rude."

Rude sighs and pulls me into one of the first hugs I've been given in months.

I start crying again.

Rude and I stay in the bathroom for what feels like hours, but must only be minutes. I don't think I've ever cried so much at one time in my life, I didn't even know I could cry anymore, but once I start I can't manage to stop. Rude's silence and warmth are too comforting and I don't deserve the kind attention he's giving me, a face like the one I saw in the mirror is simply not worth the time and effort Rude seems determined to waste on me.

Eventually the waterworks dry up and Rude leads me back to my office. I'm not even worried about how undignified it is to have to be led back to my office like I don't know where it is, I'm pretty sure dignity isn't something I should even know about anymore.

He leaves and I curl up under my desk, feeling somewhat better after the cry.

I bolt from the office the second work is over and shove past anyone and anything that looks like it might keep me from leaving. I refuse to talk to anyone and I manage to avoid any personal contact. I make it back to my apartment in record time, throwing my jacket and shoes to the floor the second I get the door open.

If I didn't know better when looking at my apartment I would think that I've been robbed. Half of my stuff is broken; most of it is still lying in shambles on the floor where I left it. I feel so worthless when I look at my apartment, but I decided at work that today was the day I would finally clean this shithole.

It took me three hours, but now; as I sit on my couch and nurse a cup of coffee and stare at the carpet I haven't seen in months, I feel just how worth it my cleaning spree was. In the morning I'll have clean clothes to wear and a dry towel to use and even if I'm not clean myself that will definitely improve my personal hygiene. I'll be able to drink coffee made in a clean pot out of a clean cup and for the first time in I don't know how long I won't be hung-over

I watch a bit of television and smoke a few cigarettes before stripping and throwing myself into bed. I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much anymore. I curl in on myself and place a hand on my cheek, the tingling feeling that reminds me of Elena's gentle touch sending me to sleep shivering.