I wrote this for the TaiYamaWeek event on Tumblr...I posted it up on my AO3 almost immediately...but I totally forgot that I had uploaded this AU over on FFnet! haha...better late than never right...
This fic does contain mature content. It has referenced drug and alchohol abuse. Mentions of anxiety, depression, past suicide attempts. All of the hardships that come with growing up too early really. It's not so extreme where it's overloaded in each and every paragraph, but it's present enough to warrant a warning. Please read with caution.
Also. This fic is a direct sequel to my story "You Feel like Home" You're not going to be able to really appreciate this story unless you read that one...so I strongly urge you to give the first fic a read if you haven't already.
Honestly I'm growing really attached with this AU...more so than I originally intended. I might right a prequel fic to this series. Showcasing Taichi and Yamato's past...gosh I'm really tempted too lol.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy what you read here! Thank you very much!
Yamato stood in front of the stairs of the gated private school, pulling out a single cigarette before stuffing the pack back in his pocket. He wore clothes that made him feel decent, clean ones where the jeans were faded out but the white shirt wasn't dingy. He knew he could technically walk up the stairs and wait behind the school gates. But he felt better sitting out front. It made it easier to smoke one, maybe two cigarettes.
With loud school bells, Yamato finished taking his last drag of his cigarette. Inhaling long and hard, he let the toxic nicotine soothe his every nerve before exhaling it all out. The puff of smoke was just as gray and bleak as how his insides were. But even in its ugliness, Yamato couldn't help but notice the beautiful sense in comfort the smoke had. The wispy smoke that reminded me of himself and what he could have been.
Eventually kids, parents even, were walking out of the school. Some toddlers held their mother's hands as they made their way down the steps. Some of them were young children walking in groups with their friends. Yamato took his cigarette and crushed it on the ground, kicking it away before he would have gotten caught and scolded at.
"Yamato!" Bright as the inviting light of the sun, Kouta with his bouncing hair and bubbliness smiled wide as he made his way down the steps. It was an innocent smile, one that still managed to look surprised despite how often Yamato came over to pick him up from school. It was contagious, and Yamato couldn't help but smile back, "You're here today!"
Still smiling Yamato ruffled Kouta's hair. The same manic hair that Taichi couldn't resist passing down to his son, "Today is your piano practice. I'm here to make sure you get there and then home safely."
Kouta brushed off Yamato's affection with a shy smile. He tried to fix his tousled hair with no visible affect, "I'm not a baby anymore, I know the way, I can walk myself."
"Nope, father's orders," Yamato shook his head, "If you're just coming straight home from school then you're allowed to walk yourself, but on the days you have practice or club meetings we're gonna come pick you up."
"But I have practice and clubs every day!"
"Well that's not my problem."
"Yamato!"
"Besides," Yamato pulled up his sleeve to look at his watch. It was hard to not start laughing after how easily Kouta was easily bothered by things, "Piano practice starts…25 minutes from now." Yamato looked up from his watched and eyed the small kid with a small grin, "We don't want to be late now do we."
"Hey! That's not fair!" Kouta pouted. Grabbing onto his backpack straps as he jutted out his lip and puffed out his cheeks.
"About to be 24 minutes now…"
"Okay, okay let's get going!" Kouta shook his head, grumbling at the dramatic loss before started to walk ahead toward where his piano class was held.
"Thank you," Yamato chuckled in victory before joining up to walk by Kouta's side. He noticed how today, Kouta's bag was larger than usual and he motioned for Kouta to hand it over, "So, how was school today?"
Kouta, slightly pink, still gave his backpack straps one final squeeze before pulling them off and handing the heavy bag over to the adult, "School was good. We started reading a new book today."
"Ah I see, what happened with the old book?"
"…well about that…"
"What?"
"Let's just say that we're going to be busy tonight."
"…Kouta what do you mean by that."
"Yamato just remember that you're my favorite and I love you more than any Yamato in the world."
"…Just what are you gonna have me do?"
It was well past evening time as all of the lights in the kitchen were on. Yamato was on one side of the small dining table, grumbling as many obscenities under his breath. While Kouta was on the other side, just as tense and focused.
Yamato held up the tiny bridge like structure in his hand. He tried to angle a hot glue gun in the other, laying down strip after strip with a surgeon's precision. This was his third time trying to glue the cut up popsicle sticks in place, and he was getting tired of crushing the feeble structure in his hands. He near held his breath as he carefully lined a small bead of hot glue on one side before pressing the two corners together and letting the glue set.
Yamato regained his breath as the small wooden bridge finished setting. He gently went over to rest it on the table—
"What the—what are you guys doing?" Taichi's voice snapped out of now where. Shocking Yamato. Causing him to jump. And smash the bridge he worked so diligently on.
"Damn it Taichi!" Yamato snarled through tight teeth as he swung around to glare at the source of his anger. Taichi just had a confused cocked eyebrow, looking well worn out from a day of work. Apparent by how his blazer was off and his tie was already loose, "At least let us know when you're here! Don't just pop out of nowhere like that!"
"Geez man I was just asking a question," Taichi clicked his tongue. Still not getting an answer as to why his kitchen had turned into an arts and crafts room in a kindergarten's daycare, "I'm home everyone." He stated out flat. As if to add extra salt onto Yamato's stinging attitude.
"Welcome home Dad!" Kouta chirped from the other side of the kitchen table, small hands busy with fake grass and glue to fully sit up right.
"Hey Kouta," Taichi smiled, draping his blazer over his shoulder bag and walking over to give a light kiss on his son's forehead, "What is all of this?"
"It's my book report!" Kouta nodded as he smiled nervously, "Remember? The one I've been reading."
"I remember you reading a book for your class. But Kouta. Book reports are like…reports. Don't you just write an essay about the book?" Taichi muttered as he took a piece of fake grass out of his son's hair.
"No. Well. Kind of." Kouta shrugged, "The teacher wants class to be accessible to all types of students. So we have to choose between five different ways to do the book report and present it to the class."
"…and you chose the method that was most likely to get your hands glued together?"
"It seemed like the easiest one!"
"It is most definitely not the easiest one," Yamato grumbled from his work station, fixing together more shredded popsicle sticks to make another bridge.
Taichi rolled his eyes, "Let me see your assignment paper," Taichi stuck out his hand. Kouta glanced at it, before rubbing off the excess of glue strands from his fingers and pulling out the pale yellow paper that was sticking out under his book. Taichi read it over quickly as he ran over the bullet list of acceptable report types and the rubric, "Kouta it says here that it's due tomorrow!" Taichi clicked his tongue before eyeing down his, guilty, son, "Why are you barely getting started on this now? You had a month to do this."
"Well I uh," Kouta pouted, "I got a little busy and I forgot that's all!"
"Kouta, we've talked about this, you shouldn't make a habit of putting off your work so much."
"Well, you put off everything Dad…"
"I'm me and you're you, remember?" Taichi sighed, pulling off his necktie completely before dropping both the tie and shoulder bag on the back of the vacant seat, "Just because I do something doesn't mean you're allowed to do the same. You're better than procrastination."
"Yeah well!" Kouta huffed out as he figeted on his chair, "I got busy with stuff and I forgot about it that's all."
"You're ten!" Taichi snapped as he scooted his chair forward, "What do you have to be busy about?!"
"Well you're 26!" Kouta snapped right back, "What do you have to be so tired about all the time!?"
"Hey! 26 is a very old age!"
"My teacher is older than you!"
"That's because she's a teacher! Teachers are supposed to be really old!"
"Okay, that's enough you two…" Yamato coughed out. Partially to try and remain the neutral party in this petty fight. And partially to hold back his laughter. It was amusing to see a child and adult be so serious over something so little, "Let's just get this project done. There isn't much left anyway."
"Yeah, Dad!" Kouta emphasized with more bark than bite. Moving the set of markers and color pencils over toward Taichi, he handed the small glue bottle with the other set of miniatures that needed to be secured, "Glue all of these together before you put them in, okay?"
"Yes boss," Taichi scrunched his nose as he got ahold of the closest pair of scissors to him, "I can't believe you got two grown men making a shoebox diorama for you."
"Well I need help, I still have to do my other homework too," Kouta muttered as he sat back down. He made some space for himself before taking out his workbook that he was going to do tomorrow morning.
"Oh quit complaining Taichi," Yamato rolled his eyes, grabbing the shoe box and his dripping hot glue gun, "It's not like you didn't beg for my help all the time when it came to our projects in elementary."
"Well one. At least I asked another kid and not my parents," Taichi grumbled, "And two. I'm trying to teach him a lesson here! So don't bring up anything that's going to discredit me."
Kouta looked up from his worksheet with starry eyes, "Wait did Dad do his school projects at the last minute too?"
Taichi scoffed, "No I didn't."
Yamato rolled his eyes, "Yeah you did. All the time."
"Dad!" Kouta yelled out, eyes sparkling all the same, "You get so mad at me when I do things last minute but you used to do the same thing!"
"What—well!" Taichi stuttered, glaring at Yamato for bringing up the unsavory memories of their school life, "Things were different then! I had a lot going on when I was little!"
Kouta sneered, "But dad you were only ten just how busy can a ten year old be?"
"Do you want me to do your diorama or not?" Taichi sputtered out, "And you, Yamato! Shut up and let's hurry up and finish this!"
"Eh…" Yamato giggled quietly to himself, "I just find it a little weird how you're making such a big deal out of Kouta losing track. When you used to climb through my bedroom window crying to me to help you finish your history projects all the time."
"Dad!"
"Quiet Yamato!"
Yamato laughed this time, not bothering hide it when he saw Taichi's blushing face to Kouta's bright eyes of curiosity and mixed surprise. Grabbing the diorama with one gentle hand, Yamato dropped a strip of glue before picking up his bridge, "Alright I'll stop," He ceased in a small giggle, "After I finish this up, I'll start heading out okay?"
"Yeah, okay," Taichi wiggled his cheeks out of embarrassment before he started grabbing the small patches of faux grass, "When's the last train leaving?"
"I don't know, I'll just take a cab."
"M'kay."
Yamato went back to finishing the small paper wood bridge, trying to make it as neat as he possibly could while being quick about the painstaking process. Taichi, who really didn't understand anything of what was needed just followed what he was instructed to do. Gluing bunches of the small green strands together to make it look like bundles of grass.
Kouta got back to his work book, twirling his printed wooden pencil in his palm as he hesitated on the first question. He looked back up at his dad and then Yamato. With a press of his lips he cleared his throat before talking, "…Neh, Yamato," Kouta perked up quietly. Yamato noticed the drop in volume immediately. It was something that Yamato knew that Kouta did, and seeing as he didn't know what Kouta had to be insecure about, he put down the box in front of him as he paid full attention with gentle eyes. Kouta glanced around nervously before pulling on the ends of his pencil, "Why don't you just stay with us?"
"…" Yamato blinked, "…Huh?"
Taichi flicked away some green paste under his fingernail, snapping his head up, "Ha?"
"I mean," Kouta pressed his lips together after Yamato's reaction was doubled over by his own father's, "You stay here pretty late, and then you come here early in the morning anyway…wouldn't it be easier if you just moved in with us?"
"I uh…I mean…" Yamato eyed Taichi to try and gauge some reaction therefore he could act accordingly. Something that read yes or no. But all he saw in Taichi's eyes was the shock and stark hesitation of giving an answer.
"Well, Kouta, that is…" Taichi trailed off, "I mean sure yeah that would kind of be easier but…" Taichi rubbed a strand of tacky glue between his fingers, "I mean we don't want to…force anything."
"Y-yeah," Yamato tried to chuckle, "Just let things take their own pace. Everything in time right?"
"Right."
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"Totally."
"I mean, this is a two bedroom apartment…" Taichi rubbed the back of his head, "We don't even have a room available for you to stay in…"
"…Well why doesn't Yamato just stay in your room Dad?" Kouta asked.
Taichi squeaked, "…My room?"
Yamato coughed, "I don't…think that's the best idea…" The urge to bite his inner lip was strong, "At least not right now."
"R-right! Everything in due time right?"
"Right."
"Mhm."
"Uh huh."
"Splendid."
"…" Kouta looked back and forth between Yamato, who was eyeing the table in front of them, and his Dad, who was rolling up paper grass. Seeing them being so nervous about the idea was starting to make him nervous about it. Puffing his cheeks out, Kouta mumbled as he went back to the homework in front of it, "Whatever it was just a suggestion."
"…" Taichi rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth. He rested his elbow on the table as he tried to hold back a large sigh. He had doubts. Big doubts. Serious Godzilla sized doubts. Doubts that he did not want to say in front of Kouta and watch his son's large brown eyes droop sadder and sadder, "…We'll think about it okay?" Taichi ended up saying as he patted Kouta's head, "Just…later."
"…" Yamato watched as Taichi rubbed Kouta's head with pure affection. He saw how Kouta's eyes warmed up a little as he nodded and went back to his paper without looking up fully. Taichi still had his hand over his mouth, so Yamato couldn't see if Taichi was smiling or frowning underneath.
His wrists throbbed slightly at the thought of Taichi frowning. At the thought of Taichi hating the idea of Yamato being an integral part of his life again. Of Kouta's life.
Swallowing down that pit of anxiety, Yamato offered a small smile as he picked up the project again, "Let's just finish this up quickly."
It had been a couple of hours since then, and the finished book report diorama was completed as well as all the other homework Kouta had to do tonight. Next to his packed up backpack, was the shoebox with a scene from the book carefully composed inside. It was up on the kitchen counter so that Kouta wouldn't forget as he left for school the next morning.
Yamato was cleaning up the last bit of loose material from the kitchen table. Stacking all of the construction paper to slip inside of the plastic folder before cramming it inside the box where they kept all of the school supplies in.
Taichi was putting Kouta to bed, probably getting ready to sleep himself. It wasn't like Yamato stayed here long enough to relearn all of Taichi's night time habits. Back when they were close all of those years ago, Yamato knew it all. How Taichi was worried about dropping the toothpaste, so he'd always brush his teeth before changing into his pajamas. That no matter how hot it was, Taichi always wore pants to sleep, and got mad whenever Yamato went to sleep in his boxers. How he always washed his face with cold water because he read in some cheap magazine that it was healthier.
Little routine things that Yamato only knew about because of how often he stayed over. Back then Taichi would just show up and already be asleep on one side of the bed by the time Yamato finished brushing his teeth.
"Hey," Taichi came out from the hallway, dressed in a baggy t-shirt and some gray sweatpants, "All done cleaning up?"
"Yeah, you can put the box away if you want."
"Sure, not a problem."
"Alright…" Yamato tapped his fingers along the top of the table top as he sighed out. Despite pretending that he was okay earlier, the thoughts of what Kouta suggested were still heavy in his mind, "Well I should probably get go—"
"Yamato," Taichi interrupted. He was leaning against the counter, eyes flat and heavy as the tone in his voice. There was an innate seriousness that Yamato had dealt with many times before. No matter how many times he handled such a situation, it still made him nervous, "Kouta just really likes you," Taichi started off, "That's all. You don't have to take it so seriously."
"…I'm fine." Yamato sighed, shrugging to try and not seem so tense, "I really like him too. I can understand why he'd want me to…for an 'us' to start happening." Yamato felt a shiver up his spine when he thought about that. Us. Slowly all the memories of how he spent so much time alone started creeping up. And how painful those memories were compared to how these past few months had been, "But Taichi," Yamato ignored his dry throat, "…would you be okay with that?"
Taichi was silent at first. His bangs managed to cover up his eyes so Yamato couldn't even read his expression for an answer. Yamato was going to fill in the silence with something else before Taichi started talking, "Things have been going really well lately." Taichi's voice was soft, too soft even, "But I just. I don't want…"
"…" Yamato could already tell what it was Taichi was going to say, "It's alright Taichi. I get it."
"…Do you though?" Taichi looked up, meeting Yamato's stone blue eyes with his strained gaze. Yamato knew that Taichi went through levels of stress these past years, but he could really see the labored effect of it all when he met Taichi's eyes like this, "Yamato. I mean, let's be real here," Taichi sounded exasperated, "This is not the first time I've told you to go clean. And all of the other times where you promised that you wouldn't use again. Or that you quit cold turkey. You always wound up in the same place! Always!"
"Taichi those times—"
"It doesn't matter why!" Taichi broke out, almost laughing to cover up the painful memories, "I don't care why Yamato. I don't want an explanation! I don't care! You would say that you would stop doing drugs. And you wouldn't! And I couldn't deal with that!" Taichi somehow managed to not yell, at least not at his usual decibel. His voice just sounded tired. Like a war veteran that had to be called back to duty after the country declared a time of peace. Like a refugee wandering around in hopes of a new home only to be disappointed again.
"…I know that." Yamato muttered under his breath, "I'm not trying to give you excuses for those other times. I'm just trying to say…that it's different now." Yamato rubbing the inside of his palms, "I…actually want to quit this time." He wanted to be there like how he promised when they were still cubby kids with dirt on their elbows. Like how he promised when Taichi showed up with a duffle bag by his feet and bruises on his face. How he promised when Taichi was crying with a shiny sonogram picture in his hand.
"…" Taichi kept silent as he looked away from Yamato. The stiffness in Taichi's posture only relaxed a tiny bit. More like it chipped off of him in a small chunk. It wasn't impressive but considering the magnitude Yamato took it as a good sign, "These past few months have been going really well," And it had. It truly did. Taichi got situated back with his job with only minor hiccups. Yamato first started off with small things but eventually he grew more accustomed to their home and their ways. So far they hadn't had any problems and all of it was nice. Nice in the purest forms of the word, "But. Yamato," Taichi struggled to say, "This…is not easy," he looked Yamato right in the eye, "It's hard."
"I know that Taichi."
"Do you?" Taichi's voice cracked, "Do you really?"
"Yes Taichi I know."
"I don't think you do," Taichi's wavering voice brushed off in a near rough chuckle. He was shaking his head and Yamato almost shrunk back after seeing how hard Taichi was trying to keep it together. Trying not to break down in a million pieces, "When it comes to…whatever. Addiction," Taichi waved his hands up, letting them plop back to his sides without any enthusiasm, "It's not something where you just magically turn over a new leaf and you stay good and pure forever! You go back and forth! You have shitty times, and then shittier times, and then the absolute bottom of the shit barrel times."
"You don't think I don't understand that?" Yamato interjected, rolling his fingers into fists to the point where his wrists started to ache, "You know how many times I fell back cause of my withdrawal symptoms? How hard it was to for me to do the tiniest of things? There were days where I had trouble even getting out of bed! But one way or another, I managed to get through them," Yamato's lips were shaking, "I'm done running away, or leaving things half done, I'm in this for the long haul Taichi."
Taichi was breathing through his nose, his lips overturned as if he couldn't even open his mouth. Yamato could see his reflection in the center of Taichi's dark eyes. Yamato—tall and fiery, while Taichi was shivering and curt. The difference didn't make Yamato feel proud, it made him worried. Concerned for what all happened during those years when they didn't talk to one another.
Taichi pried his mouth open, "Guess how long I've been sober."
"Taichi," Yamato sucked in his breath. That dirty feeling of being inadequate rose up in his veins. The itch that he couldn't get too. The difference in their standing in life. The underground Yamato had been soiled in versus the topside Taichi managed to claw his way up too, "I know already. You don't need to flaunt it in my face."
"Just guess Yamato."
Yamato's eyes started to burn, much like his heart. He could feel the sting from where he injected himself several times before, "I don't know," Yamato shook his head, "Since Kouta's been born? Ten years or something."
Even through Yamato's tinted eyes, he could see the water outlining Taichi's eyes. Taichi blinked, a lot. It was too obvious for Yamato to not notice it. Taichi was absolutely still as his eyes were shiny like a glass marble in a pond, "Seven months." Taichi croaked.
"What?" Yamato's hands unclenched. His eyes widened. The angry thoughts that came when Yamato thought of Taichi on top and him on the bottom blew away as Yamato's mouth hung open, "Seven months? You've only been sober for seven months?!"
Taichi didn't respond, he just took a sharp breath of air and nodded.
"What the hell!" Yamato yelled, still completely shell-shocked, "You've been drinking again!? Even with Kouta here?"
"It's not like that!" Taichi busted out, voice still serrated. Yamato could practically hear the ripped skin on Taichi's chapped lips, "It's not like it was multiple times in a row! There's not a single bottle here in the house. My alcohol content is zero and it has been for a while!"
"Then what are you talking about?"
"I relapsed okay."
"After all of the shit you've given me?!"
"I know it's bad!"
"Why would you do that?"
"Because!" Taichi heaved in and out, he looked away from Yamato. Shame overriding just about any ounce of pride he could have had, "its…hard okay."
"Well duh, but…"
"I have to keep everything in line," Taichi sniffed, "I have to make sure that everything stays afloat, because if one things slips, if one thing messes up, then it's all over!" Taichi's sniff turned into a lame chuckle, "Then I lose the apartment. Kouta has to be taken out of his school. I'm back at ground zero again. And we're back in the shitty slum side I tried so hard to leave."
Yamato eyed the ground, "But that's how it's always been for you." He swallowed down the truth, "It's the choice you made."
"…I know that," Taichi sighed, "But when things start going wrong. And things start heading downhill, I start getting really mad and then that's when I start going 'oh if only I had a beer' or just start wanting to drink," Taichi clenched his fists, "Most of the time I…don't. I suck it up and ignore it. But that's what makes it hard Yamato." He looked back up at Yamato, "When I first decided to life a proper life, when I decided to be sober so I could make Kouta's life easier. I thought…I thought that once you get to a point, it'd be a little easier. That yeah sure, I'll still have to work a lot, but it'd be easier to do so. But that checkpoint, that point where it gets easier to deal with one bad thing after another, it—it doesn't exist." Taichi rubbed one eye with the edge of his palm, "No matter how hard I try…I will always have that urge to drink my problems away. Even if I know it's not okay. I know that no good comes out of it. But it's my first instinct, it's what I've been doing to cope all of my life. And now I have to spend my remaining life just fighting the urge to give in."
Taichi looked at Yamato with weariness, "You technically still have a choice. You don't have to spend the remainder of your life recuperating after the bad habits you had when you were a dumbass. He's not, Kouta's not yours. You're not his father. At any point you could just…give up. Just stop trying and go back to whatever you've been doing before," Taichi bit back a pity smile, "I mean, I beat myself up like a dead horse. And I still fuck up."
The laugh in Taichi's voice was akin to broken glass. Cracking further along as time went along, and Yamato could see that strain in Taichi as he tried not to break apart completely, "Yamato. I…I missed my son's first day of kindergarten. I got in an argument with Megumi, and I went down to the convenience store and bought myself the cheapest generic bottle of whiskey."
"Hell, it's my fault that he's motherless. Any time mother day comes around…he just, he looks so sad. Like he was the one that drove her away…" Taichi pressed his palm on his forehead, "Kouta keeps trying to be an adult even if he's just a kid. I—fuck I landed myself in jail because I couldn't wait five more minutes to bitch-slap someone else!" Taichi scoffed as he shook the memories, "It's been going great with you here right now. But I don't know what's going to happen when shit hits the fan, Yamato. I don't know how you're going to act, what you're going to prioritize, how far you'll relapse. And I don't know if I could handle you relapsing in front of me again…" Taichi choked, "I don't know if your reasons for staying here, for being here will be strong enough to stop you from going back those awful ways. I'm risking Kouta's wellbeing with me as it is…I can't add another risk in his life."
Yamato hard a difficult time keep his eyes on Taichi, but he didn't allow himself to look away. Even if it was tough as he heard a sob finish breaking through. Yamato swallowed hard as he went to stand by Taichi. Leaning against the counter top within arms width of Taichi, "You want to know why I really didn't quit all of those other times."
Taichi sniffed his nose, scrunched like a rabbit before he brushed it off with the back of his hand, "Why?"
"Because I didn't think you'd actually cut me out," Yamato nodded. He sighed for a second, he couldn't visualize all of the details, but he could still remember all of the times Taichi had chewed him out for being high when he promised he wouldn't. How he'd promise to try harder next time only for Taichi to answer okay in the bleakest of voices.
There was one memory in particular. He one he could remember the clearest. He was outside of Taichi's apartment at the time. Talking with Taichi. Taichi was yelling because he lost his job, again, because Yamato went to the club and got too fucked up to go home on his own.
He remembers that one because it was the one time where Taichi yelled the least. He just said in a quiet voice, 'I only got two options. Putting my son up for adoption or cutting you completely out. And which one do you think I'm going to pick?'
At the time, Yamato didn't respond. He just said he'll never go back to the clubs. To the coke lines, or the crack houses.
In the back of his mind, he selfishly thought that Taichi would still pick him in that case.
Yamato croaked, "No matter how many times you yelled at me. No matter how many times you threatened to throw me aside if it meant giving your son a better life I…never thought you'd actually do it. I never seriously went 'oh this is my last chance to fix myself up', because the idea that we wouldn't talk or see each other anymore was just too far-fetched."
"I thought I made myself pretty clear," Taichi mumbled.
"…You did. That you did." Yamato sighed, "I don't know if it was just my delusions or the coke in my blood all the time…" Yamato rubbed his palms with his thumb, "The idea that wouldn't be together in some way shape or form was just unbelievable. Too ridiculous to even entertain. At least that's what I thought until it actually happened."
Yamato held a lot of memories of their past. All of the hazier than the next. He could remember how Taichi would always stay over is Yamato's father was out. How he'd snore loud and make it difficult to sleep. He couldn't remember what they'd do or what they talked about, but he did remember how warm Taichi was whilst sleeping next to him.
How Taichi was the one to make time for him, even if technically was the busier one. How that habit transcended through their school life. To the point where even if Taichi was working multiple jobs and running on energy drinks so he didn't have to feel tired. He would still be the one to make sure that Yamato got home safe and sound even if he had every right to go home to his son.
"I thought I'd be fine without you. I was so mad at you, I told myself that I would be extra fine without just to prove you wrong," Yamato chuckled as he shook his head, "I got home every night. I did whatever I wanted. No help necessary. I was doing just fine without you dragging me along…" His eyes were somber the painful memories came rolling in, "Then…I started to miss you. And I felt…oh. Oh so lonely," Yamato could feel the tears prick him, "and that was something I couldn't handle. That was something that made me keep picking up any needle or lighter. I didn't like to remember how lonely I was without you."
"…You know…" Taichi started talking again, "…You still haven't told me what you were doing all of those years."
"Yeah I did…"
"No you didn't."
"I didn't really do much Taichi. I've been doing the same thing since I was 13 you know that."
"Yamato," Taichi sighed out, "It's been ten years since we last saw each other." He looked up at Yamato, for once without any hesitation in his voice or gaze, "You really mean to tell me that nothing happened? In ten years?"
Yamato felt a lump in his throat. He was withholding information from Taichi. Mostly because…he still felt raw about it, "I uh…" Yamato cleared his throat. It was Taichi. His Taichi. The same one he told all of his secrets too when they were playing with sand at the playground. The same Taichi that came back to him even after they were separated for so long, "…I had a girlfriend for a little bit."
"…What?" Taichi stood straight up, "A girlfriend? Really?"
"Yeah…"
"Really, really?"
"Hey it's not like you didn't have Megumi…"
"That's different, I didn't like Megumi." Taichi shook his head away from that woman. He licked over his lips as he silently mulled to himself, "…what's her name?"
Yamato paused, looking away from Taichi, "Sora."
Taichi looked down at the ground as well, "That's a pretty name."
Yamato could remember Sora's face. Her warm eyes, and her cinna hair. How she was so soft and plush, even if she was from the same underground life as Yamato was. A marvel in comparison to Yamato's rag doll life, "She was kind of like you, nicer of course, but, she did remind me of you."
"…Is she still around?" Taichi put his elbows on the counter behind him.
"No, no. She uh…she died."
"I see…"
"Yeah um."
"I'm sorry, Yamato."
Yamato took in Taichi's words. He offered a smile in response. It was teary, wet with emotion. But it was a real smile, "Don't be," Yamato sniffed, "I made my peace with it." Smiling broader with a pure laugh, "Kouta actually helped me."
"…he did?"
"Yeah, yeah," Yamato nodded, "If it weren't for him, I don't know…" His wrists were still raw, but the pain was overwhelmed by the fluttering feeling in his stomach, "It's because of him I was able to let go of Sora," Yamato drifted toward Taichi, "It's also because he led me back to you too."
"That's—"
"He was the one that pushed me to say what I really wanted. To see you even if I was scared. I know I said it before Taichi but you did a really good job of taking care of Kouta."
"Ah, well, I just got lucky," Taichi brushed off with a shy smile, "He's good kid. Naturally."
"Still, I know you went through a lot. It's amazing how much you've done Taichi. All by yourself too."
"…yeah."
"Taichi?"
Taichi didn't respond immediately at first. He stood there, still as water, as he looked down at the ground in front of with a blank stare. Yamato was going to call out once again, before Taichi turned around, looking at Yamato with the tired eyes that made Yamato's heart ache, "I've been keep my head above the water this entire time…" Taichi started off, "Kouta's a really good kid. Too good for me that's for sure. That's why we've lasted this long," Taichi rubbed his red nose and his puffy eyes, "Though I…" Taichi tried taking deep breaths, even if they were sporadic at best, "I don't…know how much longer I can keep doing this on my own Yamato," He looked up at Yamato with his teary, tired eyes, "That's why I want this to work."
The plea in Taichi's tone sank in Yamato's throat. Maybe it was familiarity, Yamato remember how he pleaded for relief several times before. He knew that sometimes he just was begging for attention. Other times he just wanted his mind to shut up so he could relax. Those were pleas that were easily dampened down by a sudden prolonged high.
But when Sora died. When then memories of how Taichi left him, flooded him at once. The plea for some amount of solace was desperate. Raging even. He toiled himself over and over again until he finally grabbed a pen and started to write his final words.
"Taichi, you're a good father," Yamato reassured, "You've done wonders for Kouta."
"He's ten," Taichi replied. Quiet with doubt, "Yamato," He bit the inside of his lip, "I was eleven when I first had alcohol."
"Kouta's not going to start doing that stuff," Yamato swallowed down. Yamato was twelve when he first started doing drugs. Granted it was just marijuana. And Taichi was always there with him when he smoked pot. But that was the first time he got high, and started chasing it, "He knows better."
"My parents thought the same thing of me," Taichi shrugged, "No one. No one would have pegged me for sneaking alcohol out of the house. For getting high at the back of the school. For losing my sleeping with anyone that looked at me twice. Not back then at least. Hell, it took my dad years to figure out I was doing that kind of stuff!"
"I wouldn't use your dad as the example Taichi," Yamato said. A certain sourness crept up the back of Yamato's tongue, "He wasn't exactly therefor you. You had to do everything on your own since the beginning."
"…Yeah. My father wasn't a good at being a dad…" Taichi's tone was sweet in comparison to Yamato's bitterness. There was an ombre in Taichi's eyes, something that faded out to forgiveness but didn't quite reach that point as yet, "But there is something that I can say now after all of this time with my own son. He did the best that he could."
"But he."
"I don't like him. I still don't like him. I don't want Kouta to ever meet his grandparents but—" Taichi scoffed, "But." His bottom lip quivered, "Even if my dad wasn't that great. It's not like every memory I have of him was awful. The fact that I'm still here, making it by ever so slowly, just proves he did something right by me." Taichi took a deep breath, "I don't know my dad's full story, and I never bothered to ask. But even if my life was shitty, I know it was a little better than his. And really, if a parent can make their child's life a little bit better, then they did the best they could."
"Do you not think that you're doing that for your son?"
"No, I think I am, but," Taichi fluttered his lids. Yamato knew from experience that was a bad sign, "he can't stay my pure little champ forever…" Taichi's breathing started getting ragged, "I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he starts getting older and starts learning more about things I rather him not know…"
Yamato's silence was tense. He froze him from his head down to the tips of his fingers.
When they were kids, they did things that were bad on purpose. They yawned through all of the assemblies telling them to stay on the good path in life. They ditched classes specifically for trying to get their hands on some kind of substance. Yamato was the one that helped Taichi take his first puff. Taichi was the one that showed him porn for the first time.
They were stupid kids who thought adulthood would be so easy. They didn't think about consequences. They didn't know that such a thing existed.
Now here they were. All of their playful times gone with nothing but their pitfalls left. Their weaknesses were all they had left, even if tried to put up a front that they still understood what it meant to be grown up.
"Hey," Yamato's called out. Gentle and soothing. Vulnerable and loving. He put his hand on Taichi's shoulder and rubbed it, before just wrapping his arm around Taichi and pulling him close, "It'll be fine okay? Kouta won't be like you or me, he'll go on to do better things," Yamato ran his fingers through Taichi's hair. It felt as soft as he remembered. Even if wasn't as long as it used to be, "You won't have to do it alone this time. I'll be here. I'll help out too. I promise."
Taichi could feel himself relax under the comfort, his eyes were still red as his sobs were as quiet as ever. He hadn't been held like this in a long time, and Taichi couldn't resist putting more of his weight on Yamato's shoulder, "Don't make promises you can't keep…" Taichi ran a hand over his face.
"I'll keep this one." Yamato sighed out as he held Taichi close, "I won't let myself lose anyone else ever again."
Taichi rubbed his cheek against Yamato's shoulder, he nodded, feebly, but enough so Yamato could at least understand. He stayed leaning against Yamato for a moment longer, both relived and surprised that Yamato could support his weight.
He bit his lip, clearing his throat before talking again, "It's really late now," Taichi shrugged, "Why don't you just stay here tonight?"
"…You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Positive? We don't have to rush."
"Yes I'm positive." Taichi clicked his tongue, "It'll be fine. It's just one night anyway." He pushed away from Yamato, pouting like a kid instead of frowning like an adult, "You don't have to if you don't want to."
"…I'll stay." Yamato smiled, "Thank you."
This time Taichi scoffed, "You don't have to say that…" He turned around, "I'll lend you a toothbrush and clothes."
"Taichi I still don't sleep in pajamas—"
"No you're sleeping in them tonight!"
"Ugh, fine."
The next morning, Kouta woke up to the sound of his alarm clock beeping in silence. With a yawn he turned it off gently, checking the time before pushing himself out of bed. He yawned out again as he stepped out of his room, checking the kitchen before sighing to himself and headed towards his father's room.
"Dad!" Kouta groaned out, opening the door and walking in, "You said you'd make breakfast today! So hurry up and wake…up…" His scolding tapered off into a small whisper. His groggy eyes blinking slowly before he rubbed them awake to make sure he wasn't still dreaming, "Yamato!?" He shouted out, smiling as if it wasn't seven in the morning, "Yamato!" yelling out, Kouta ran over to the side of the bed where he saw a heap of blond hair instead of his dad's bed hair, "You stayed over! I can't believe it! Are you going to be living with us now!?"
"…ngh," Yamato groaned, brows furrowed and tense as all he could hear was loud yelling. Earlier the alarm clock was ringing loudly too. He had to climb over Taichi to shut the stupid box up, "What?" Yamato's droopy blue eyes slowly opened, seeing Kouta on top of him with stark in starry pajamas and a wide grin on his face, "Kouta? Why are you yelling on top of me so early?"
"Why didn't you tell me that you were going to move in! Jeez! After all the trouble you both gave me last night!"
"I didn't move in…" Yamato yawned, not liking how active Kouta was. He couldn't tell if this was a kid thing or just another one of Kouta's habits, "I was talking with your dad last night, and it got late so I stayed over…"
"But you're going to stay over from now on right?"
"Well maybe."
"Neh, neh, Dad?!" Kouta turned over to Taichi. Who was still sound asleep, "Dad! Wake up!" Kouta shouted, jumping off of Yamato's lap and landing on Taichi's back.
Yamato sighed, sitting upright, he tried to be more alert as he shook his head and stretched out his arms, what he needed was a good cup of coffee at this moment. He'd have to get coffee in this house ASAP.
"Dad, dad, daaaaaaad!" Kouta shouted as he bounced up and down on his dad's back, "Why are you always so hard to get up in the morning! Wake uuuup!"
Yamato sighed as Taichi was still face down and not moving at all. He knew that he was awake. Taichi has been doing the same thing all of his life, "Kouta," Yamato tapped the hyper kid's shoulder. He motioned for him to stop.
Kouta did as he told and watched Yamato with his large round eyes. Without even missing a beat, Yamato stuck out his finger and sucked on it, pulling it out when it was wet with saliva which made Kouta grimace.
He didn't give any warning as he stuck his wet finger in Taichi's ear. Kouta gasped as Yamato swirled it around, making Taichi squirm, before he gave up, "Oh my god!" Taichi shouted, sitting up, and knocking on his back, "Yamato what the hell! That's so gross!" Taichi kept shouting as he tried to dry out his ear.
"Serves you right for not getting up when you're supposed to."
"What are you five!"
"So says the one that still pretends to be asleep like a five year old kid."
"…That's the fastest I've seen Dad wake up…" Kouta mumbled as he scooted towards Yamato's lap.
"Yeah, Taichi hates wet willies." Yamato didn't protest as Kouta made himself comfortable.
"…Wet willies?"
"You don't know what wet willies are?"
Kouta shook his head no.
Yamato sat up straight, "Wet willies are the most effective way to get your father to do something," Yamato stuck out his finger, "Doesn't matter what it is, it'll always work against Taichi. It's a very good training technique."
"Ahhh," Kouta nodded, "I see now."
"Oh shut up!" Taichi clicked his teeth as he swatted Yamato with a pillow, "Stop teaching him stupid things."
"What kind of a kid doesn't know what a wet willy is."
"I'm gonna wet will your FACE."
"Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?" Yamato added with a snide smirk as he pointed to the alarm clock on Taichi's bed side.
"…ugh," Taichi clicked his teeth, before rolling out of the bed. Muttering obscenities to a decibel that Kouta couldn't hear, he started grabbing his clothes to change into.
Kouta was giggling, rocking back and forth in Yamato's lap, "Does that mean that Dad is not gonna make breakfast today?"
"Its fine, I'll make it," Yamato patted Kouta's head, "You need to go get ready for school too right?"
"Yeap!" Kouta chirped, bouncing out of Yamato's lap, "Can you make waffles today?"
"Sure I guess…you sure you don't want something else? You ask for a lot of waffles."
"They're my favorite!"
"Right, okay then, waffles it is," Yamato stretched out his legs as he pulled the blanket off and got up.
"Yamato!"
"Hm?"
Kouta ran up and hugged Yamato around the legs, squeezing him tightly. It took Yamato by surprise so he didn't have time to do anything before Kouta started talking, "Did…did you talk to my dad last night?"
"…" Yamato patted Kouta's head, "I did, a little bit."
"Is everything okay?"
"...Yeah. Everything is."
"You're gonna stay with us right?"
"Absolutely." Yamato gently pried Kouta off of him, "Come on, go ahead and get ready. You don't want to be running around like your dad right?"
Kouta laughed, nodding as he started heading out of the room, "Don't forget, waffles!"
"Yeah, yeah," Yamato chuckled as he waved him off.
He ran a hand through his unkempt hair as he looked around. Taichi's room was just plain as he could have expected. A bed, a desk, a bedside table with a lamp and other junk on top of it. If anything it was emptier than his old room. But Yamato figured it was because Taichi didn't treat himself as much as he used too when he was younger.
Truthfully he felt a little shy by such a sudden change. He figured that doing normal family like things would have been a harder transition. But he could still mess around with Taichi as if they didn't spend any time apart. Kouta was just as accepting as if Yamato had been there all of his life.
A sad nagging thought clawed from the back of his head, one that told him that he should have met up with them sooner. Been a better part of Taichi's life and met Kouta years ago instead of recently. How much better his life could have been if he had only found his strength and remorse sooner.
He walked out and toward the kitchen anyway. Washing his hands and grabbing everything that he needed.
The past more or less could be handled one fragment at a time. His future was unknown, and he still had a chance to live out his life the right way. A way where he didn't feel useless. Where he didn't feel death's claws around his throat with each sorrowful breath.
No, even he still had a chance to have a normal morning. To spend it through others and laugh and do other carefree things. He had that opportunity now at least.
"Hm, what are you making?" Taichi asked as he walked in.
"You got ready really fast." Yamato clicked his tongue as he held up his spatula.
"It's work, not a date with the president," Taichi shrugged, "What are you making? Waffles? Why? Make omelets!" He said as he draped himself on Yamato's back.
"Hey, Taichi!"
"Omeletsss!"
"Just get off of me already!"
One step at a time. One day at a time.
Just like how he and Taichi grew up together.