I'm not particularly beast at anything just yet, but I like to think I've been brought into this world to do something special. I haven't found anything yet and that theory of mine is sorta dying based on recent events. My daughter got hit by someone texting while car and she didn't make it. Rouge and I prayed she would in hospital, but there was nothing any of the doctors could do. She was so small and the car was so big there was no way she could of made it.
What's the point of being on this earth if things are just going to leave you? Once you have something that you love with all your fucking heart, the world just has to come and be an asshole and take that away... It's horrible... death.. but why? Sometimes I wonder what it's like to die. What would happen? Like where is Miracle now? What is she doing? Id she in heaven? Is she in an afterlife? Or just dead.. like nothing happened. Just in a never ending sleep. There's no way of knowing, of course until dead comes around. Nobody lives for ever but that doesn't mean someone should be ripped off the world so young.
I've been thinking it should have been me who got hit, then all the pain would go away. Miracle and I were walking to the bus stop to go to school when it happened. I have experienced a lot of fucked up shit in my life time, but witnessing my daughter getting killed had to be the worst one of all. The car came out of no where, while Miracle was skipping ahead of me, singing. I watching her the whole time. She really loved school, but I shouldn't of let her go in front of me. Maybe if keep holding on to her hand that one day, and I didn't let her go, she'd be alive and I'd protect her. I know it wouldn't be easy for Rouge but I know shes able to take care of Miracle on her own. It would have been tough for Miracle too, to have to grow up without a father. But now it's really hard on me and Rouge now that we don't have our little Miracle anymore.
I miss her. I wonder if I was good father? No, I couldn't have been. I didn't protect her. I am terrible father. That's why shes dead. She probably hated me. Rouge looks at me with tears in her eyes and just hugs me. I hug her, I can't find any words to comfort the mother of dead daughter. I want to tell her everything will be ok but I am not sure it will. I want to cry. But I never cry, and I am not going to start now. But I really couldn't help my eyes from watering. Rouge cries harder on my shoulder. It looks like its gonna be really hard for the both of us...
"...Knuckles..." Rouge spoke softly "... Why?" She asked faintly with tears in her eyes. I hated seeing Rouge like this. It brings me more pain then I already have to deal with. I pause. Thinking of the right thing to say but nothing comes to mind.
"I can't even answer that..." Tears start forming in my eyes, but I'm not crying. Do not cry, I tell myself. "Nothings right! We were suppose to be a family!" I whined. We had six amazing years as a family. My Miracle was just going into 1st grade, I think about how great of a adult she would of become. Everything that little girl did was beautiful.
"...It sucks... so much..." Rouge lets out more sobs. I want to apologize to her. I feel like it was my fault. I could of protected her. I could of made it stop. But now its too late... she's gone... My Miracle is gone forever.
"Rouge?" I said softly as she looked up at me. Her green eyes are filled with tears, but they still shine to me like they always have. I hated seeing the girl I was in love with so depressed. "I love you so much." I just held Rouge tighter, but not enough to hurt her. I don't ever want to hurt her again.
"I love you too." She puts her head back onto my chest and keeps crying. Now saying that I loved her was a big deal between us because well we almost never say it. I know Rouge loves me, I just wanted to remind her that I love her. I needed to comfort her... but whose going to comfort me?
One of the worst feelings in the world is being a parent to a dead child. You think back to all the things you could done better for your child. "Lets go home..." I say and I wrap my arm around Rouge and we walk home from the hospital without our daughter.
Rouge and I don't dare go into Miracles room. We aren't ready. Rouge sits on the couch and begins to cry again. I don't want to do. I have never felt so powerless and awful in my life. I really want to help her. I really want Miracle back! Damn it. I feel myself getting pissed. I need to punch something. Hard. Why'd she have to go? Why'd she have to die? All of a sudden? Without any warning! It's just not fair! I sit down next to Rouge and hug her. "Knuckles, Miracle's gone forever..." Rouge said and I was thinking the same thing. I just couldn't say outloud.
"What are we going to do?" I ask unaware. I need help. Not like Rouge knows the answer either. Rouge lets out some loud sobs. I hold her tight. I won't ever let anything happen to this girl. Now that Miracles gone, Rouge is my life. I can't lose her too.
"I'm going to make you some tea" I get up and walk into the kitchen. I just couldn't handle being there anymore, I had to do something, anything. I look and see Miracles little high chair, I can picture her sitting in it throwing cheerios onto the ground when she was four. She's adorable. I blink. She's gone. It was just a day dream. She's not alive. Now, all I see is a dark room with a dull pink high chair. I sigh and make Rouge her favorite type of green tea. I start thinking about Rouge. She was an amazing Mom. Better then I was a dad for sure. I know that she loved Miracle just as much as I did, which is why I know she feels as hurt as I do by her death. Now my only question was, Was I good Dad? Did Miracle love me? I know she was six but I could tell in her eyes that that little girl loved her mother.
I walk back over to the couch and give Rouge her Tea. "Thank you so much"
"No problem" We just sat there. For what seemed like hours. Just looking at the wall. We didn't say a word to each other. There was nothing to say. Rouge slowly sipped on her tea. It hit me again. She was gone. Miracle was dead. No longer on this planet. My little girl was gone forever. I'll never see her grow up, or do any of things I know she was capitable of doing. There is this empty feeling in my gut. Like everything was dark. This world was darker now. But the lights were on. Everything was the same, but different. Miracle was gone. We're not a family any more. I wanted to say something Rouge, but I couldn't think of anything.
Sometimes it's hard to keep living, so we just sat there, with empty expressions on our faces. I don't think Rouge and I could ever have another kid again. It would be too painful because we knew our little Miracle was gone, we didn't know what to do. Life could never be the way it was again. Life would never be the same for Rouge and I.