Chris couldn't believe Darren had found himself a girlfriend, not after what happened in this alcohol filled night one month ago.

But seriously...who was he kidding?
Darren told him right away that he was straight and Chris told him right away that he was gay.

They were doomed from the very beginning and it was clear it wouldn't be long until one of them would fall and who that would be should be pretty obvious.

Chris adored Darren with all his heart.

At first he thought it was nothing more than a little innocent crush, nothing deep and nobody would blame him.

Darren was beautiful, exotic and had eyes to die for and his body, Chris wouldn't even know where to start.

Amber and he would spent hours stalking him and drooling over him and back then it meant nothing, it was all jokes and fun.

When Chris started talking to Darren on a more regular basis ergo after he had to shoot very flirty Klaine scenes with him, he soon found out that there was more to him than just a pretty face.

He was smart, funny, charismatic and dorky.

Exactly Chris's type.

They talked and debated about Harry Potter for hours when they were alone in Chris's trailer and they would laugh for what felt like decades.

He was nerdy and goofy and Chris loved it.

He loved the way Darren would be so happy and giddy over the littlest things like when Chris had Red Vines left over or when they messed around with Darren's keyboard finding songs that sounded just ridiculous and Darren would laugh, playing them over and over again and beam with his big white grin of his. Chris didn't know how he could not fall for that, there was no way. Darren was overall amazing, even though he's pretty short, in Chris eyes he was perfect. Perfect for him but sadly also for others, in his case especially girls.

There were times in which Chris blamed himself for his own stupidity to allow himself to fall for the other man and sometimes he blamed Darren for being the goofball he was and for his perfect face and his perfect self.

He hated himself for being dumb like that and Amber tried her best to comfort him.

She was the only one who knew.

She would tell him he would find someone else, someone who was even more perfect for him, who would love him for the geek he is and respect him for the handsome and talented guy he is.

Chris would smile at her, place a kiss on her cheek and tell her "Thank you." but afterwards he would feel even worse.

Thinking about how no one else would ever be as perfect for him as Darren and how impossible it was for someone to love him.

Him in his whole imperfectness, with all his flaws and cracks.

He thought of how his skin was too pale and how all he could do was turn red and freckle, how he always blushed and gave away his emotions all the time, how he still looked like he was 12 and how he sounded like a girl, getting all high-pitched when he was excited, how he felt about his body, he thought about all the things he would get told when he was a kid, when he was still in highschool, the weird kid without any friends hanging with the lunchladies, trying to please everyone, be nice to everyone and all he got was rejection.

He was never cynical or bitter but he noticed how he tended to be lately.

Chris would put himself down so other people wouldn't have the chance to do it.

He thought that it wouldn't hurt so bad then.

The problem was he had told Darren all these things he kept to himself all these years.

He'd told him what he disliked about himself, exposed himself completely to the other man, unfolding all his insecurities, collapsing as he did so, sobbing into his warm strong shoulder.

Not because he was a weak person or because he was full of selfpity, no, he did it because it felt like the right thing to do and he wanted people to know why he was the way he was.

Why he was awkward and why he was ironic and cynical all the time.

Darren had comforted him like Amber used to.

Telling him he would be ok, that he was handsome and talented, the same stuff over and over again but he still wouldn't believe his friends.

He was 21 and heartbroken, broken in general.

Darren told him that he shouldn't blame himself after Chris said he hated himself even more for hating himself so much, because he could understand.

This boy was constantly told no, he was constantly told he was ugly even though Darren and millions of his fans would tell people they were crazy for saying so, Chris was told his voice was annoying, too high and that he should talk in a lower key and he would have. He would have changed anything about himself if he could.

He would be slightly tanned and more muscular and he would talk in a lower voice.

But there was no way that could be real and even Chris realized that this just wouldn't be him.

He wouldn't be Christopher Paul Colfer but some random decent looking dude.

Still, he couldn't help but be self-conscious.

It always got worse when he was drunk.

He was the kind of drunk who went through all the stages.
At first he's as happy as can be.

Bouncy.

Flirty.

Touchy.

Sad.

2 more shots.

Crying.

When he turned 21 he already planned to get as wasted and trashed as one could.

Forgetting all the stress and bitterness and just live for the moment.

Waking up, remembering nothing, only the harsh pain in his head and stomach should remind him of the night before, everything else just a blur, reconstructing impossible.

That's how Chris wanted it to be and that's the way it was, except for the blur.

He remembered nothing that happened that night, all he knew was that he was randomly climbing trees, telling everyone he was the only lama who was able to do that while doing Chewbacca sounds , running around tackling lea and everyone else, telling random people he loved them, hugging everyone, filling some more shots and most of the liquor splashed on the floor, he recalled doing shots, the alcohol burning down his throat, the world spinning, a pair of soft warm lips on his, him kissing Darren, undressing Darren, touching Darren, feeling Darren.

That was it.

The stinging pain crept through his whole body, his stomach was aching so badly he laid in his bed cringing, writhing.

When the pain got better he noticed he was naked, he flinched, his eyes heavy and bloodshot, his hair ruffled into a mess.

Chris turned around and looked at the other side of the ridiculously big bed, seeing dark curls peeking out under white sheets, which were lifting softly in time with the other man's breathing.

"Fuck.", Chris whispered under his breath, running his hand through his hair.

He got up and rushed to the toilet, throwing up nothing but liquid and stomach acid, burning his throat again.

He could swear he didn't puke because of the alcohol but at the sight of his best straight friend lying naked next to him.

He felt a throbbing pain coming from his behind and he felt sick once again.

What the fuck did he do last night?

He quickly brushed his teeth, not looking into the mirror.

He couldn't face himself right now and he most certainly didn't have to see to know he looked like shit.

Chris put some boxershorts on that were lying carelessly on the floor, not even caring if they were his before tiptoeing back to the bedroom, seeing that Darren had shifted.

Cloudy hazel-eyes looking sleepily up to him.

"Good morning.", he said, rubbing his face and Chris couldn't tell in which voice he'd said it.

He felt uncomfortable, ashamed and so damn afraid of what was coming next.

Darren cleared his throat.

"I-I-uhm...I guess we have to talk about...this.", he said, his voice hoarse and thick with sleep.

Chris looked around in horror, nodding slowly.

"Yeah...", he said, his voice soft and barely audible.

"What happened was - ... it can't happen again Chris, you probably understand."

He didn't but nodded anyways, lowering his head even more.

"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it and to be honest I don't remember that much but...it was a mistake we...shouldn't...we - we shouldn't have had sex. This makes things complicated and weird...you're my best friend and I-I cheated on Mia and I...oh fuck Chris."
The blue-eyed just stood there, paralyzed, tears welling up in his eyes, shame and guilt creeping through his pale, bruised body, making him shiver and feel sick again.

"Oh god...fuck...I...I...I - was your first wasn't I! Oh god...I am so sorry Chris!", he nearly screamed in realization.

Chris was crying now, heavy sobs shaking his body, he sunk down on the floor, pulling his legs up against his torso, shaken with tears.

He felt like the scum of the world, dirty, ashamed, hurt and images of Darren were flashing through his head.

Darren on top of him, his soft lips ghosting over his collarbone, back arching in ecstasy, hips bucking, the dirty sound of skins slapping against skin and soft breathless moans, wet kissing sounds, Darren's hands everywhere.

He could still feel them on his body.

Could still hear the sweet filthy words the other man whispered in his ear.

He just wanted to forget.

"I-I thought this meant something.", he mumbled.

Darren didn't answer, just staring blankly at the wall in front of him.

"I'm straight, Chris.", he whispered.

"Apparently you aren't, at least you weren't last night.", Chris spat, his voice hoarse and shaky.

"This doesn't count...no wait I didn't mean it like that, CHRIS!", he jumped off the bed, holding onto Chris's arm.

"I was drunk, I tend to do terribly stupid things when I'm wasted and this was probably the worst. I know this counts for you, too much maybe and it's not like I didn't want it or I never thought about it but...I'm sorry I don't know how to put it without hurting you even more."

Chris was trembling.

"Just say it.", he demanded, his voice surprisingly strong.

"I'm not in love with you. I can't be in love with you, Chris. I just can't.", Darren spat out, regretting it the moment he spoke it out, hating himself for using Chris like that.

"Thought so.", with that Chris turned around, freeing his arm from Darren's grip harshly, heading to the door, grabbing random pieces of clothing on his way.

"But thanks for taking advantage of me Darren, thank you very much. I hope it was good for you to fuck a virgin and leave it just like that. Kudos for being gentle and caring and whispering 'I love you's' in my ear, thanks for letting me think I was special and desirable...you know what. Fuck you Darren, just fuck you! You're the biggest asshole I've ever met and I thought you were different...obviously I was wrong."
"Chris...wait please!", Darren's voice broke.

"NO! NO! I'M TIRED OF WAITING FOR EVERYTHING! I already waited for my life to become better since I was 10, I don't wanna wait for things anymore!", he screamed at the top of his lungs, hurt clinging to his voice.

If you listened closely enough you could probably hear Darren's heart break, hot tears were falling from his hazel-eyes, falling to the floor only to disappear into the rough fabric of the dirty carpet.

"I am so sorry Chris, I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to fix you? This?"

"You can't...and frankly I don't want you to. You did enough Darren. You used me like some cheap sextoy. I wouldn't even be mad at you but at me if you only admitted that it meant something to you too because at least this would prove me that you really are a good friend, my best friend even but as long as you can't do that...I-...", a heavy sob made Chris's body tremble and he had to pause for a few seconds so he wouldn't pass out. "As long as you can't tell me, we shouldn't see each other...at all. At least not when it's not work. I'll be professional on camera, don't worry but don't expect me to be off camera because I probably won't even care to look at you."
Chris's harsh words hit Darren's heart like thousands of little sharp daggers, pushing through, leaving him bleeding but he knew he deserved it.

He wasn't the only one with a damaged heart here.

Darren thought about what would be worse.

If he stood up to his lies (if they've even been lies, he honestly couldn't tell himself) or if he told Chris once again he was sorry and that he couldn't feel the same for the other man as he felt for him.

"I can't say it often enough...I'm so sorry Chris. I fucked this all up. I fucked everything up and all I can do right now is apologize...I know you won't and probably can't accept it...but I want you know."

"Well...thanks I guess...", Chris said coldly, turning around, leaving, trying not to turn back one more time.

He let Darren stand there, naked, in the messy filthy room, still filled with the smell of sex and regret.

A single tear fell from the hazel-eyed's eye, hitting his cheek and it felt like a slash with the whip.

Emptiness taking over him when he realized that he hasn't just lost his best friend but that he lost his soulmate.

Even worse.

He broke him like he was nothing more but an old ragdoll you stopped caring about, he used Chris like he was just another worthless waste of skin and he knew he'd never stop hating himself for doing this to him.

To them.