Inspired by my life. Millicent was the only one who really fitted. Obviously, not all of it reflects my life but some of it does lol.

Going Through the Motions

When you ask people who I am, you get one of three responses. The first is, She's the fat Slytherin girl. The second, She's Pansy Parkinson's loyal follower, they're Deatheaters. The Third is Millicent Who?

So, yeah, that's my life. But I'm so much more, no one ever sees that. You know, I think I've just given up.

I never used to be fat, I was skinny when I was a kid. I used to love all that vegetation stuff. Then I became friends with Pansy. She said it was uncool to eat salads. That was before she hit the age when people cared what you looked like and what you did.

It's unfair that I blame her though. Pansy wasn't the only reason I got fat. My parents are the main people I blame. When I was little my parents put lots on my plate and I could only ever eat half. It made me feel ill to eat it all. Then I'd get told off for not finishing it.

So I began to finish anything on my plate. Only I never stopped. I never got full. So my appetite grew and grew.

I often say it's all muscle. I have shown so many bullies that it's 'muscle' by beating them up, that no one comes near me now. That also means that no one pays attention to me.

I've tried though. Last year, I was trying to catch someone's eye. Anyone's eye. Even Weasel would have been an achievement. I put on makeup and no one noticed. The closest I got was Crabbe asking if I had a black eye.

It wasn't that bad. It just made my eyelids darker than normal. It was natural. I felt pretty until then.

I hate shopping with Mother. I see the tiny skirts that our world is slowly adopting from the Muggles and I feel envious that someone else can wear them and look good. I mean, it's not pleasant to see a large woman wearing a skirt so tiny it's barely there.

Whenever I tell Mother this she just sniffs and says that some people can pull it off. Of course, she just had to be the type of woman who could pull it off when she was younger. Not anymore.

To make matters worse, I can be dressed up and feel okay about myself and Mother can knock me down with just one sentence.

"No one will be looking at you."
She doesn't understand that I might want people to look at me. To actually notice me.

There is no one I loathe more than Hermione Granger. That Mudblood always gets perfect grades! She's the top of the class. It makes my father angry. He keeps telling me that I can't let a Mudblood best me. That 'Granger would have started her revision now'.

I always leave it too late. So my potions grades weren't so great two years ago, but I carried it on.

I always get the same thing. 'If you don't get the grades, you won't be a Mediwitch'. 'Every door is closing on you'. 'I wish we had gotten another Crup instead of having a child'. 'You're going to be stuck as Filch's helper for the rest of your life'.

Blah. Blah. Blah. I've heard it so many times. My parents screaming at me. Telling me that I'm going to fail, that I'm not going to make it in life. Always the same old, same old.

In some respects, I think that's one of the reasons behind my lack of motivation. I just don't have the energy or inclination to do any of my work. It's slowly spiralling out of control.

I used to do it all on the weekends, but since I've joined the Deatheaters I no longer have it free. So my control is slipping away. I can't even grasp it with my fingertips.

I prefer to read my books or write in my journals or something, but I need to do some work. I'm trying, but I just feel like giving up.

I'm just going through the motions. Maybe it would be better if I died in the war. No one would miss me. Not Millicent Bullstrode.

Please Read and Review. My first Millicent Bullstrode story. I get the lectures and all of these things, obviously not in the wizarding context, have been said to be. The Filch's helper bit is usually working in a supermarket, and the crup is a dog. Oh well.