TITLE: I've a Feeling We're Not in Cardiff Anymore
RATING: PG
CHARACTERS: Ianto, Jack, Gwen, Tosh Owen and other canon characters
WARNING: Slight character bashing - no character escapes unscathed.
SUMMARY: No one notices how tired Ianto is until he has a serious accident.
Written for redisourcolor Challenge 18 - Theme: Medicine. Words: tighwad, creamy, babbling and the sentence: "Well then, how about you try it, and see how it goes?"
A/N: This all started with a picture I found of GDL wearing glasses and found this. Yeah, bunny slippers.
The Team had been working nonstop for the last ten days. Weevils were coming out of the sewers in packs, a disabled space ship filled with goblins had landed in Newport, a swarm of alien bees turned up in Splott followed by a sea serpent beaching itself near Mermaid Quay.
Everyone was tired, but Ianto was almost dead on his feet. Not only had he conducted all the research on the various aliens, but had also provided backup for the missions, creating all the cover stories and disposing of the evidence of aliens that went with the job. And of course he ordered food, made coffee, cleaned up after everyone, ran to the dry cleaner with Jack's clothes and volunteered to come in early and stay late at the Hub so everyone else could get some rest.
No one noticed how tired Ianto was until he unexpectedly tripped down the stairs leading from the conference room to the main area of the Hub as he carried away the remains of another take-away dinner the Team had scarfed down. The noise of him rolling down the stairs, not to mention the sound of several coffee mugs breaking had the rest of the team running to see what happened. They found Ianto at the bottom of the stairs sitting up looking a bit dazed.
"That's it," Owen growled. "You're on medical leave as of this moment."
Despite his protests, Owen ordered him home and the sneaky bastard injected him with a sedative. Jack agreed to drive Ianto home and make sure he was asleep before he returned to the Hub.
Ianto woke with a start. A terrible storm was raging outside. He tried to look at the time but he couldn't read the numbers on the clock. He stumbled over to the window at the front of his small bedroom and looked at the rain pouring down in sheets. He was about to go back to bed when he spotted a trembling little gray terrier huddled under a tree. Without a second thought he ran out of his flat to grab the dog. As he reached down for the dog he heard a roaring noise; he looked up and saw a huge funnel cloud coming toward him. Ianto tried to run, but he couldn't escape the vortex. It lifted him up and whirled him through the air. Higher and higher he rose until he was looking down at Cardiff.
Ianto opened his eyes and looked around. He was sitting with the little dog in his lap. "Well, kiddo, I've a feeling we're not in Cardiff anymore." He must have landed in a rural area as he was surrounded by green grass and trees. In front of him was a long stretch of yellow pavement. He was still in his pyjamas but noticed that he was now also wearing bunny slippers. He didn't have a scratch on him.
As he stood up he was surrounded by little goblins who cried, "Hooray, you've killed the evil sorcerer."
"What?" Ianto was positive that they had captured or killed all the wayward goblins. "How did these get so far away from Newport?"
"You killed the evil sorcerer Owen and saved us from his sarcasm and injections so now you get to wear his bunny slippers."
"Uh, ok, but where am I?"
"You're in Ooze, where everything and anything can happen and probably will."
"Oz, you mean with flying monkeys and witches?"
"Don't be ridiculous," a tiny gremlin replied, "the flying monkeys and witches are on Oz, not Ooze. I don't why that's so hard for everyone to keep straight," he mumbled as he walked away.
Ianto thought he might be dreaming, but no, this was real. He obviously had fallen through the rift and was on another planet. The thought terrified him. The Team needed him and he had no idea where he was.
"I'm from planet Earth, 21st Century. I need to get home. Can you help me?"
"No can do," an especially ugly gremlin replied, "but a Wizard who lives in the Emerald City can help you."
Ianto shook his head. This was getting a bit comical. "And I suppose I'll meet several companions on the way who also want to see the Wizard," he snarked.
"Don't be ridiculous," a familiar voice replied, "we're going with you from the start."
Ianto turned and saw Jack and Tosh and Gwen standing behind him. "Fancy meeting you here," Ianto told him.
The three team members looked at him, looked at each other and shrugged.
"Never seen him before in my life, do you know him?" Tosh said.
"Can't say that I do, but I like the looks of him," Jack replied smiling.
Gwen surprisingly said nothing.
"She doesn't like you," Tosh told him.
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Please, just please tell me we don't have to sing."
Gwen's eyes narrowed. 'I think he got hit on the head or something. He doesn't make any sense."
"He's just a stranger, nothing to be afraid of," Jack said. "Obviously has some problems with his memory or his ability to put facts together."
"I don't think we should let him come with us," Tosh said.
The three of them bickered for a while until Jack spoke. "We've decided you can come with us. You seem to have problems serious enough to warrant a visit to the Wizard, so why not."
"There's just one problem," a gremlin said, "The Wizard doesn't like most dogs."
Jack looked puzzled. "Actually, I heard he really likes dogs."
"And that's a problem as well. Best leave him with us." Ianto reluctantly handed the dog over to the gremlin.
As they headed off on the yellow sidewalk, Ianto inquired why his companions were going to see the Wizard.
"I have too many brains," Tosh told him. "Some people say it hurts my romantic life, always spouting quadratic equations. Can you believe that most people here don't find math talk sexy?"
Gwen spoke next, "I have too big a heart. I care too much, and try to help everyone but when people get hurt I get blamed. I want to find out how to get others to appreciate my talents."
"And you," Ianto asked looking at Jack.
"I'm too heroic. I always have to save the day though sometimes I have to sacrifice other people to do so. Take Owen; I was the one who told him to catch you when you fell out of the sky. I forgot about the velocity you would be traveling at and you squished him dead. I grieve for him, don't get me wrong, but I've got more people to save so I just can't dwell on it, can I?"
"Yes you should," Gwen retorted. 'And you should hire more staff so we wouldn't always be in so much danger. If you weren't such a bloody tightwad…"
"I wonder what the final velocity of a man falling from space is when he hits the ground," Tosh interrupted as she pulled a calculator out of her pocket and began to madly tap away at it.
Ianto sighed; it was going to be a long journey.
Suddenly Ianto looked up and there it was, the Emerald City. "That's odd," he thought. "One minute we were surrounded by gremlins and now we're already at the Emerald City."
In a blink of an eye they were being ushered into the sacred chamber of the Wizard of Ooze.
"Well, well, well. What have we here?" The Wizard said as he sat casually on his throne. So casually that he had one booted foot slung over the arm of the chair.
"You've got to be kidding," Ianto blurted out.
"Listen, Eye-Candy. I'm the best thing around here, so no smart remarks."
"I'm screwed," thought Ianto.
"Not yet, but I hope to rectify that shortly," Wizard John said giving Ianto a predatory leer.
"But can you help us?" Gwen broke in impatiently.
Wizard John sighed. "Let me see, your problem is you always interrupt and never listen, right."
"Well I wouldn't put it that way…"
"Well I would, and who is the Wizard around here. You or me? See your problem isn't that you have too much heart, it's that you don't listen, you're nosy, and you don't learn from your mistakes."
Gwen pouted. "Fine, whatever. Can you help me?"
"Of course." Wizard John reached into his bag and pulled out a plastic nose. "I'm going to put this fake nose one you. Not an ordinary nose, but one that will grow every time you stick it in somewhere it doesn't belong. You'd best be careful or you'll find yourself with a ten pound schnoz and then you'll be sorry.'
He slipped the fake nose over Gwen's real one and tightened the string holding it in place.
"I don't like this; it smells bad and… what the hell!" Gwen cried in fright.
"See, whining makes it grow as well. Be gone and MYOB." Gwen ran crying from the chamber.
"You. Step forward," the Wizard ordered Jack. "You think you're too heroic do you?" Jack nodded.
"Well you're not. You're careless and self-centered and you forget that other people aren't as indestructible as you. I'm going to make sure you stop getting everyone around you killed."
Wizard John took a syringe and injected a creamy pink fluid into Jack's arm. "Every time you do something careless or put your team in unnecessary danger, the nanogenes you've been injected with will activate. You'll be unable to get an erection for a week."
The Wizard smiled with satisfaction at the horrified look on Jack's face. "That's right, you take care of your team, and they'll take care of you. You don't, they won't. Now get out of my sight before I shag you senseless."
Jack left the Wizard's presence with his head hanging in shame and disappointment.
"Now you little missy," he said winking at Tosh. "You're smart and sexy which is a great combination, but no one wants to hear quadratic equations in bed. No one. I'm just going to have to teach you the skills of seduction and reward you appropriately for getting it right."
Tosh blushed. "I've always been a straight A student."
"Well I look forward to administering your oral as well as your final exam. And don't you dare bring your calculator for the test."
Tosh practically skipped out the door.
"And now for you, Eye-Candy."
Ianto looked at Wizard John sadly. "I don't think you have any tricks to get me home, do you?"
John shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't. I'd give you a consolation shag, but I think that Tosh is going to keep me very busy for a while. I never pass a student until they can perform to perfection."
Ianto turned and began to walk away.
"Wait!" John yelled. "Your problem is that you are always such a pessimist. I don't have any tricks for you, but you have the power right there on your feet to get home all on your own."
Ianto looked down and realized that he was still wearing the bunny slippers. "Oh, you've got to be…"
"Do you want to get home or not?" The Wizard moved close to Ianto. "Close your eyes, Eye-Candy, click your bunny heels together three times, wriggle your nose and say 'Off to Cardiff now I go, not to Newport, not to Splott. Click my heels, eat a carrot, don't turn me into a ferret."
Ianto opened his eyes in disbelief.
"Well then, how about you try it, and see how it goes?"
Ianto realized that he had nothing to lose. He clicked his bunny slippers, wriggled his nose and repeated the words. Everything went dark.
Ianto opened his eyes. He was lying down and familiar faces were looking at him. "You gave us quite a scare," Jack said stroking Ianto's head. "And I had to sleep by myself last night. It was horrible."
"Sweetheart, don't you ever do that again to us. I couldn't even get home to see Rhys last night."
"You've been babbling on about gremlins and wizards for almost twenty hours," Tosh told him. "And a dog, something about a dog. I could hardly concentrate on my work."
"Oi, this wouldn't have happened if you didn't feel the need to play martyr all the time," Owen scolded. "I had a hot date last night and Jack made me cancel just because you had a concussion."
Ianto blinked and tried to focus. Was it all a dream? "I fell through the rift to the Land of Ooze. And you were there, and you and you too!" he said pointing to Jack and Gwen and Tosh.
"And you were dead," he said turning his head toward Owen.
"Well I'm not. You have a concussion, so you're grounded until further notice. Though I will allow you to get up tomorrow to make us coffee."
"Kind of makes me wish I was back in Ooze. You being dead made everything else almost bearable."
"Very funny, Tea-Boy. My work is done here. I'm knackered," Owen told the others. 'Don't call me unless the world is ending. In fact, don't call me even then," he added as he left the medical bay.
Jack Gwen and Tosh stayed huddled around Ianto's cot.
"So you went to the land of Ooze, did you?" Jack teased gently.
"It seemed so real. I met you all and we went and saw the Wizard and…"
"Were there flying monkeys?"
"Don't be ridiculous it was the Land of Ooze not Oz," Ianto retorted with irritation.
Jack looked disappointed by this revelation. "I've always wanted to see some flying monkeys. There is a planet that has flying poodles but they aren't as clever…"
"The Wizard," Ianto shouted. "You'll never guess who the Wizard was. It was John Hart."
"You've got to be kidding," Gwen said with disgust.
"No really. And he solved all of your problems and he told me how to get home."
"Problems? Ianto what are you talking about," Tosh asked.
Ianto didn't know what to tell them. He didn't want to hurt their feelings and if he was dreaming what would they think if he enumerated their faults. Wisely, he changed the topic a bit.
"The best part is I was wearing my pyjamas and I had bunny slippers and the bunny slippers brought me home."
"He's obviously still delusional," Gwen whispered to Jack. "You better keep a close eye on him." Jack nodded soberly in response.
"But there were bunny slippers, I swear it." Ianto felt a rising panic as they all seemed to think he was making the story up.
"Ianto, you're not wearing slippers, you fell wearing your work clothes." Tosh lifted up the bottom of his sheets and gasped. "Uh, guys come and look at this." They peaked under the sheet to see that Ianto was wearing striped pyjamas and pink bunny slippers.
"Very funny," Jack said. "Ok, who put them on him?"
Tosh and Gwen denied knowing about the slippers. The pyjamas were Ianto's; Jack had gone over to his flat and brought them back to the Hub. Needless to say, Owen was livid when Jack called to ask about bunny slippers.
"Oi, what did I say about the world ending. Yeah, I saw the slippers; I assumed they were yours, Harkness."
"I do not wear pink bunny slippers. Now I will admit that occasionally Ianto and I dress up…"
"Don't want to know, really I don't," Owen said hanging up on Jack.
Jack sighed. There was probably a logical explanation; he just couldn't fathom what it was. "Ok kids, you go home, I'll stay here with Ianto. I will have to call you if we get any more aliens tonight, but let's hope that Tosh's rift prediction is correct and we'll have a little peace and quiet for the next few days.
As Tosh and Gwen walked up the steps from the medical bay, they practically tripped over a small gray terrier that raced down the stairs.
"You're alive!" Ianto cried with joy. "I was so afraid the gremlins would hurt you." The dog barked and wagged his tail.
Jack picked the dog up. "Is this your dog, Ianto?"
"Don't be silly. This is the dog I saw outside my flat before the rift carried me off to Ooze." Ianto reached up and took the dog from Jack's arms.
Jack, Gwen and Tosh looked at each other. Something very strange was going on.
"Take care sweetheart," Gwen called down to Ianto as she and Tosh headed up the remaining steps from the medical bay.
Tosh turned back and looked at Ianto. "Did you say John Hart was there? You know I dozed off earlier and dreamt that, well, I'm embarrassed to tell you," she said blushing.
"I bet you passed your exams with flying colors," Ianto told her. Tosh felt a little faint.
Gwen's mouth fell open. She had dreamt about John Hart as well but she'd be damned if she was going to tell anyone about it.
"Gwen, how's your nose feeling?" Ianto smirked as he looked up at her. Gwen reached up and touched her nose in horror.
"No, it was a dream. It had to be." She felt a cold shiver run down her spine. She grabbed her purse and quickly headed for the tourist office entrance. Tosh was right behind her.
Jack was still staring at Ianto half in wonder, half in terror. "I hate to say it, but I had a dream about John Hart as well. It was horrible."
"Come here," Ianto ordered as he put the dog on the floor. Jack moved over to Ianto who pulled him in close for a kiss. To Jack's surprise, Ianto brushed his hand lightly against Jack's groin.
Ianto glanced at Jack's 'reaction' and smiled. "Just a dream, obviously. Nothing to worry about." Jack smiled and sat with Ianto until he drifted back to sleep.
Jack smiled in relief. He knew that in the future certain humanoid species were able to have what were known as synchronized dreams. They used it as a way of solving difficult problems or sorting out disputes that couldn't be resolved while everyone's defenses were active.
"Yeah, just a dream, thank the goddess," he thought as he trotted up the stairs to go to his office. As he sat at his desk, he reached over to grab a pen and noticed a small hole in his arm. A few drops of thick pink liquid were leaking from it.
Jack's head began to spin. "No!" he thought as he tried to stand up.
Everything went dark.