CONSTAINS VERY STRONG LANGUAGE, ABOVE ELEVEN, TWELVE, AND STUFF
Scene begins.
Cloud: No…no please don't go there; I really don't want you to go there…ah! BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH!
Brom's creepy voice-over: There was a time when the pretty land of Alaeasia was ruled by men carrying pointy swords with weird names astride vicious beasts.
Mountains: Well aren't we pretty.
Brom's creepy voice-over: To protect and serve was their mission. And for thousands of millennia the people prospered, and danced a lot, and sang a lot, and bought stuff, and were happy, except for the poor assholes that were poor. Their lives were pretty much as crappy as they were the as they are now.
Mountains: Well aren't we pretty.
Brom's creepy voice-over: But, the usual happened, and the riders completely fucked up the world by being impressed with themselves. They had a fight among themselves for power.
Audience: Wow. Shocker.
Clouds: Well aren't we pretty.
Enormous metal-plate-thingy-covered with horns that dragons aren't supposed to have: *exists* hey, don't hate me 'because I'm beautiful!
Everyone: Oh no, we hate you for exclusively different reasons.
Brom's creepy-voice over: a baby named Gal-Bah-To-Rix betrayed them. That arrogant old flop believed he'd killed them all in one single battle. And he was kinda sorta right, cause dragon eggs and dragons are not at all the same thing.
Lights: Well aren't we pretty.
Dragon #4: u r lyke so dead.
Enormous metal-plate-thingy-covered with horns that dragons aren't supposed to have: I'm TOO PRETTY TO DIE!
Dragon #4: Yeah, no.
Brom's creepy-voice over: since then our land has been ruled by him, he crushed all rebellion-
Book readers: NO! THE VARDEN LIVES!
Ajihad: I'm TOO PRETTY TO DIE!
Me: And apparently that's true, 'cause he's alive and kicking' by the end of the film. Hooray!
Brom's creepy-voice over: those that survived fled to the mountains.
Mountains: Well aren't we pretty.
Galbatorix: I hate my life.
Brom's creepy-voice over: then, as the poor helpless people always do, they hoped for a miracle.
Horses' hooves: we make noise.
Brom's creepy-voice over: our story begins one night, as Arya-
Book Readers: THAT IS SO NOT ARYA THAT CANNOT BE ARYA, ARYA HAS BLACK HAIR AND GREEN EYES! THE WORLD IS ENDING!
Faolin (I assume, could be Glenwing): I am ugly and covered with hair.
Book Readers: kill us. NOW.
Me: personally, I really like (d) Faolin. He actually sounded pretty cool. And guess what? They went and killed him. Where is the justice?
Brom's creepy-voice over: -rides for her life, carrying a stone.
Creepy building with light flickering inside: *is creepy. And has light flickering inside*
Readers: No?
Galbatorix: I suffer without my stone. Without it I cannot put my feet up, and they hurt. DONOT PROLONG MY SUFFERING OR I SHALL TEAR YOUR INTESTINES OUT AND FEED THEM TO SHURIKAN.
Shade: I am whipped.
Book Readers: the shade has long hair. Now I've seen everything. *go in search for a suitable place to commit suicide*
Moon: Well aren't I pretty.
Me: Isn't it irritating that they always show the moon in movies to be bigger than it actually is? Although this one isn't that blown up.
Clouds: we cover you.
Moon: I hate my life.
Eragon's pants: What did I ever do to you?*sob* I hate you!
Book readers: OMFG. ERAGON IS BLOND. *forced calm* gee, I wonder why I've got a feeling this movie isn't going to be that great?
Filmmakers: *Hysterical laughter*
Eragon: *picks up jacket and blows out the candle*
Candle: *sings softly* it's a small world after all…oi!
Garrow: I move slightly to make it obvious that I am not asleep. I regularly shift and make noises in my sleep.
Eragon: *stops to look lovingly at his uncle, making his wide, ugly mug clearly visible, and if he wasn't his uncle, I'd think Eragon was gay, which he may well be, since he doesn't seem to have much luck with girls* And I naively believe he's asleep.
Me: That's not the Eragon of my dreams…
Eragon fangirls: *do not exist anymore*
Ed Speleers fangirls: *also do not exist*
Arya fanpeople: *exist* I'm totally getting why Arya didn't want to get up with you…
Me: OMG, I just wrote get up instead of get together. *snigger*
Everyone: Go.
Eragon: No, I wanna look at my blood related uncle sleeping for some more time.
Me: Okay, I am a pervert.
Everyone: Go.
Eragon: *picks up bow, leaves*
ENTIRE UNIVERSE: *sighs*
Eragon: *sticks his head through door* Sighs of love and adoration, right? *wiggles eyebrows*
Me: Listen, I know this is really hard for you, being universally hated by the entire universe, but the thing is, we don't like you. Sigh of relief that we no longer have to see yo hideous, we-can't-believe-you-made-it-into-a-movie face, you asshole! And now YOU COME BACK TO INFURIATE US FURTHER!
Eragon: *lower lip tremble*
Me: Beat it.
Brom's creepy-voice over: Miles away (thankfully) a young boy ventures out hunting. His life is changed forever and stuff.
Shade's eyes: *sing softly* Get me with those green eyes, baby, as he lights go down…
Book Readers: HIS EYES ARE-you know, I'm not doing this anymore.
Arya: Hello again my darlings!
Shade's hair: Well aren't I pretty.
Shade's nose: Well aren't I pretty.
Shade: Hissy bang.
Shade: I stand in clear sight and apparently am immune to trampling horses. Ooh, watch as I strangely raise my hand in a gesture to the hornless Urgals trampling around in the pathetic undergrowth.
Urgal: I love my job. *girlish giggle*
Faolin: I never saw Palancar Valley!*dies*
Glenwing: I never saw my mother!
Everyone: What?
Glenwing: *mutters* it's nothing, forget about it. *dies*
Arya: He always was a little strange.*falls down* OMFG, you Urgals ruined my dress! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find this rare silk lining?
Eragon: *giggle* I am so sneaky!
Me: The noise he's making…if I were a deer I'd skedaddle. It's totally disgusting.
Deer: oh, what joy to live on this sleepy little forest, free of hunters?
Eragon: I draw an arrow. *holds up a picture of an arrow*
Arya: *runs, holding a gigantic sword, her sweaty face shining*
Fire: I can live! I can fight!
Arya: Buzz off! *turns*
Me: you know these last lines? Lather, rinse, repeat.
Shade: Oh baby watch as I walk through the flames, aren't I gorgeous? Also, give it to me.
Arya: Durza.
Me: Okay, since when are those two on a first-name basis? What just went through my mind is totally disgusting.
Shade: And I'll buy you a new dress.
Arya: *writhes in agony* ooh, I did so want a new dress! But what if I do, and you get me one that's out of style or bye pair of pants instead, like you did last time? That would be really really mean. *lifts the stone*
Shade:…shit.
(Written in the style of iheartmwpp's parodies) Will only continue if gets good reviews.