This story has been on my mind for a while and I am approaching my finals.
****Not sure what to call it, not sure if it's a oneshot. I am a sucky writer.****. Fenris decides to go to back to tevinter, to have his memories erased, not for the reasons you'd think.
Hawke dies in the fade fic, [F!Rogue Hawke/ Fenris.].
Grieving
"Freedom was no boon". That was what his sister told him after she tried to hand him over to Danarius, after Marian Hawke saved both their lives, his from the return to slavery and his sister's from his rage. Now, he understands having freedom, the ability to choose could be a mountain heavy burden. He hates it, he hates … he couldn't even finish the thought, it was a lie and he knew it, he touched the ribbon on his arm tentatively, almost apologetically. When he first heard the news, or read the news, he wouldn't have been able to if it wasn't for her, he was angry so very angry. She had promised, she left him. In so many ways what he was about to do was a desecration of her memory, but the alternative was so much worse.
He was staying at Bethany's tent waiting for varric. And she was not so secretly keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn't rush.
He was travelling to Tevinter, willingly, "you take me to strange places, Hawke" he whispers. "Fenris!"
It was her voice, but she was gone, varric's letter was pretty clear, she stayed behind because she felt responsible for Corypheus, and the war, the last one wasn't mentioned but he knew it, she blamed herself for the abomination's actions and then blamed herself for killing him.
" Fenris! Hey…. you look horrible, Fenris…. where's marian?"
It was Bethany, ofcourse it wasn't her, she didn't know, oh maker, she didn't know.
"Bethany" his voice sounded foreign even to him. He hadn't spoken since he read that letter, he cried, wailed, screamed but never spoken, it seemed like words would never be enough.
"You should sit down"
Bethany could tell something was horribly wrong Fenris was acting the way he was when he first met them, no even then he was angry, now it was like he was made tranquil. He pulled a letter out of his pack. "Read it". A part of her knew what was coming, she knew that only one thing could have broken Fenris so badly, but the larger part denied it, her sister was alright, her sister was strong and resilient and a survivor.
Fenris,
I am sorry, I never wanted to write this, I can't describe how much I wish I didn't have to. During the battle at Adamant Corypheus showed up with his pet archdemon and collapsed the whole tower. The inquisitor opened a rift in the fade, but something happened while they were coming out. Hawke stayed behind to create a distraction, she didn't make it. I am really sorry.
Varric
Bethany, read the words over and over again, praying that it was a cruel practical joke, she never really understood the jokes her sister shared with Varric, anything because if it were true Varric definitely would have sent her a letter, the logical part of her knew that she moved around alot, that Varric didn't probably thought that she still lived at the last address she sent him.
"Lies, this isn't funny, Fenris!"
"You think, I'd joke about this!" he was getting angry, good this was more like him, with this she could keep denying the truth. But her fantasy ended too soon, he went back to being a shell repeating the same words "you think, I'd joke about this". His eyelids fluttered and he closed them, and started continuing his journey.
"Wait! Where in thedas do you think you're going?" Bethany called out to him, her voice strong and authoritative, so much like her sister.
"Can't you guess?" he said in a tone that made him sound dead.
"Alright, why are you heading to Tevinter?"
"We both know that you're smarter than this, Bethany".
"Humour me"
"I am going back, find a magister who wants an expensive weapon like me, in exchange, I forget."
" You expect me to let you walk away, to deny her very existence.
YOU CAN NOT TELL ME SHE'S DEAD AND THEN WALK AWAY...STOP"
A wall of ice erupted in his path and then she walked to him,and slapped him, because using a spell right then would be too impersonal, she needed to feel the impact, she needed to see his pain, she needed to feel pain. And she kept punching his armor knowing that it probably caused her more pain than it could ever cause him, he held her hands firmly but gently, "Stop, you're hurting yourself". She looked into his eyes and she saw pity he dared to pity her, that was when she lost it and struck him with lightning it was alarming how fast he fell he wasn't easily taken down back when they fought together alongside her sister to leave kirkwall, and help the mages escape punishment for a crime they didn't commit.
"Beth, what's going on?" that was Emile de Launcet, he stayed with her since they escaped, for protection, his protection.
She looked at the letter and then Fenris' collapsed form and it finally hit, no more anger, no more denial and she fell to her knees and cried.
When he woke up Fenris found himself in a tent. With Bethany's back to him.
"I may have overreacted." Her voice was choked like she'd just stopped crying.
"No, I deserve it, but you can't stop me, Bethany"
"You really think you're the only one that's hurt" she finally turned to face him, she reminded him of Marian when Leandra died.
"I know I'm not"
"Yet, you still give yourself the right to forget."
"It's different for me, you know how to live without her, she was everything to me."
"She's my older sister! There literally hasn't been a day in my life where she didn't exist"
"Yet, you lived away from her for the last three years. You're strong, Bethany stronger than I can ever be, almost as strong as her."
"So in your opinion if I was in as much pain as you, I'd be going to the templars asking them to make me tranquil by now"
"NO!, No that would make everything meaningless, the fact that you're free was the only silver lining in the madness the abomination caused."
"And? she cared just as much about you being free, being tranquil would be a bliss right now"
"I tried Bethany, she taught me to enjoy the little things but there is nothing with value when she's not there, I see her everywhere, and .. it's not just about the pain"
"What else?"
"You don't want to know"
"I do, I really do"
"About a week ago, I saw a woman that looked the same as her from the back, exactly the same and I chased her, then she turned around and I saw that I was chasing a shadow, yet all I could think of was Quentin" he spat the name "and what he did to your mother for a moment I almost felt sorry for the sick bastard."
He saw Bethany's features change as she heard him mention her mother's murderer, " I don't know what to say to that" and she left.
Bethany had to use every fiber of her being to stop herself from striking him again, because it wasn't enough that he let her sister die, it wasn't enough that he wanted to kill her again by forgetting her, he wanted to do that to avoid hurting another family like they were hurt, like Marian was hurt. If Marian was here she'd know exactly what to tell him. But that was the problem, wasn't it? that Marian wasn't there Marian was nowhere anymore. She felt her knees go weaker so she tried to run as far as possible from the tent where he stayed and she sat on the grass and finally let her grief overwhelm her.
Fenris watched her run, he shouldn't have told her the truth, he hated himself for it, admitting it was like drinking acid, he could almost see Marian's face when he thought of it giving him a mix of her disgusted look that she gave to Danarius or Petrice and the look of disappointment and betrayal that she gave to Anders. To even contemplate repeating that tragedy was more of an insult to her memory than anything else, he tried, the maker knows he tried so much to grieve, and move on. But before her, he was a slave on the run, a slave whose own sister would sell out just so she can be what he hated most, she was his everything and whenever he tries to forget her absence it becomes more glaring. It was time for him to move. He carried his sword, and her bow but he decided, it would mean nothing to him later. But he kept the books, when he was first branded with lyrium he had already known how to fight, and he didn't need to be taught again, so it should be the same with reading, he opened the first book she gave him as a gift, it was filled with notes, her smooth confident handwriting, little drawings in the corners, then his rough scratchy letters.
"You enjoy watching me struggle, don't you?"
"Fenris, what are you talking about?"
"You were smiling, you pity and ridicule me in your head. You like humiliating me" He was so sure back then, after all he had just left her after one night like a girl from the blooming rose, he was sure it was payback.
"I was smiling because you're making progress"
"Spare me the lies"
"Then teach me how to use a greatsword or an axe, like you do"
"What?"
"I practice two handed fighting, you practice reading and let's see if you don't smile when I make progress"
"I will enjoy watching you struggle, a rogue fighting two handed, that should be fun."
The book was shaking in his grasp
"You enjoy watching me struggle, don't you?"
"What?"
"You think I'm useless with a sword, you like seeing me grasping for straws"
"No, Hawke you're making progress. I swear." then she smirked
"I guess I deserved that." He'd kill to see that smile again and the truth of that statement is why he must forget.