Warnings: NSFW for implied, very weirdly-described, sex.
The Stranger in her Tent
A strange man came to me in the night, and visited me in the tent where I lay sleeping outside of my father's house.
"Are you - ahem. Art thou a virtuous woman?" he inquired.
"I am," I replied.
"Do you - think I'm cute?" he questioned.
"I do not know this word 'cute,'" I replied.
"Great," spake he. "Your face is very beautiful."
"It gladdens my heart to hear it," I announced.
"It's very cold outside. Can I come into your tent?" He asked.
"You may," I said.
For thirty days and nights, the stranger dwelled in my tent. He was a strange man with strange ways. He groaned of boredom, and of something called "videogames" and "mom's basement" which I did not understand. As I helped my father tend his flock, he lay idly among the couches of the tent. I thought he might be a prophet sent from God to preach of these basements and videogames, so I did not question the ways of this man.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked one night. He did not know that passions raged in my heart; I was alone, and would have taken any man into my marriage bed, for though he was useless and his countenance plain, I had a woman's needs, and my bed had long lain empty.
I lit the fires of his passion; I incinerated the temple of his desire. He quenched it in the deep wellspring of my body.
'I am a wanton woman who thirsts for the seed of your loins,' I cried out.
"Call yourself my cum slut again," he grunted.
I had never heard a man speak so; he was a mystery, but when I questioned him, he chastened me to be silent.
"Now you must mete out my pleasure in return," I told him. He was a man of poor understanding, and though he heard the words, his heart was hardened, and he turned away.
"I thought you weren't like those other sluts!" He blasphemed. His face darkened in anger.
"I was married, once," I told him. "My husband was my delight."
"You whore," he rebuked me. His countenance was filled with wrath. "Tell me this fucker's name."
"Among my people, it is not a common name. It is a word meaning 'the one.' He called himself this:" I pronounced the word:
הָֽאֶחָ֖ד
"That can't be," he spoke. "It sounded like you said 'Chad.'"
"Yes, that was what he called himself."
"You fucked Chad."
"I laid with him in the marriage bed and he called my breasts pomegranates, and my teeth like sheep fresh-shorn, running down the hill in perfect pairs."
"YOU FUCKED CHAD! WHAT MILLENNIA DO I HAVE TO GO TO TO FIND A WOMAN WHO ISN'T A WHORE? WHERE IS MY TIME MACHINE?"
And then a fiery angel from heaven appeared and smote him until he was but ashes, and the breath of God carried him into the sea, and God's voice rang out, and he spoke the words, "the sea is too good for you, you little bitch; I'm going to carry you into a patch of camel dung."
And I rejoiced in the word of the LORD.