It was storming outside. The windows of my apartment shuddered aggressively as the wind howled outside, rain battering against the glass. I was just sitting there on the couch, a blanket around myself and one dim light on. I loved thunderstorms, always did. The flash of the lightning, growl of thunder. The storm bellowed through my home, through my body, the rumbles in my chest; it felt like a train bowling past as fast as it could go.

But I was here, safe, warm. Alone. Alone with my thoughts and the endless rain.

Then I heard it. It wasn't the thunder, though I prayed it was. But it wasn't. It had the same urgency, the same intensity as the rain; however it was a different type of storm. I knew that knock, I knew her knuckles over the howling wind.

I tensed instantly, but my internal programming brought me to my feet and to the door. The doorknob was cold against my fingers, I couldn't bring myself to unlock it.

She knocked again, rattling the door with her force.

"Lapis, open up its fucking crazy out here!" She shouted.

Should I? Why was she even out here?! She was probably on her way home from work but the storm picked up too fast...this is what I get for living so close to her job.

"Lapis please!" I let out a shuddery breath as her roar combined with the thunder. In what was likely a lapse of judgement, I opened the door. The hallway was being swept with heavy rain and unforgiving wind. Jasper stood there, soaking wet, hair blowing violently. Her eyes looked shocked, so shocked she didn't come in immediately. Then she realized where she was, in the biting weather, and stumbled inside.

I slammed the door closed and locked it back, breathing hard. I wasn't even sure why. Jasper was dripping onto my carpet, she pulled off her jacket and shivered.

"...thank you." She mumbled, looking pitiful beneath her wet bangs.

"...y-yeah." I sputtered, brushing back my bangs. I could barely look at her. "...um...there's...some of your clothes are still in my room."

"...alright." Jasper sighed as well and trudged off into the room we used to share not so long ago. I dug the heel of my palm into my eye regretfully and sunk back into the couch.

"I'm so stupid." I whispered aloud to myself.

Jasper walked back in five minutes later, hair still damp and skin covered in goosebumps. Apparently the only clothes she had left was a black tee shirt and some exercise shorts.

She looked almost guilty for being here. It took her a moment to saunter awkwardly over to the couch beside me, sitting at my feet and avoiding my eyes.

"...want me to put your clothes in the dryer?" I asked after a moment's silence.

"That'd be nice, yeah, please." Jasper said back, glancing at me. "I-I'll do it, you don't have to get up."

"Alright." I breathed back, snuggling into my comforter. Jasper stood up again and disappeared for a while. I heard her heavy footsteps padding across the floor, sounding like many months before, and the crank of the knob on my dryer, followed by a heavy sigh as it started.

Jasper stepped back in, rubbing the back of her neck.

"...how've you been-"

"No. No." I stopped her while I could, closing my eyes and shaking my head. "I'm...I'm not ready to talk to you Jasper."

"...okay."

I sighed and stood, leaving the pillows and blankets I had accumulated on my couch. "You can sleep there." I breathed, walking past her, not looking at her. "Goodnight."

"...goodnight, lapis." Her low voice rumbled like the storm, filled with the same eerie sadness that comes with the gloom of rain. It all felt so alien. It felt like I should be in her arms, kissing her, pulling her into bed. But it still felt like I wanted to throw a rock at her head and shove her out of my apartment.

I felt so cold when I curled into bed. I had been living alone for months now but I never felt so by myself knowing she was sleeping in my living room.

I could almost feel her. My hand wandered to the divot in the mattress that her body had made over our time together. It wasn't prominent, but it was there. The sheets were cold in my fingers. Everything was cold, freezing, bitter loneliness.

I was so isolated in this vast sea of conflicted longing and memories of roars louder than thunder.

But I remembered warm nights too. Hot nights. Tender nights. Sweet mornings, sweet nothings. Calloused fingers against smooth skin, nails digging into tangled locks.

No, Lapis, you're better than this.

Don't do this.

You're strong.

You don't need her.

She needs you...

She needs me.

What am I then? What is she to me?

I let out a loud growl, rubbing my face with my hands.

"I'm fucking stupid." I whimpered. I threw my blankets off, jumped out of bed, ripped my door open and stomped out into the living room. Jasper was still awake, sprawled out on my couch. Our eyes locked, I know she saw the fire in mine. She opened her mouth to speak as she sat up quickly.

"No! No talking. None." I shouted. "We're both gonna regret this anyway, might as well not add more stupid talking to it."

"Y-yeah." Jasper breathed, standing quickly, looking hesitant but eager. I crossed the path between us and took her hand, then pulled her back to bed. The bed we had shared. The bed we should share- that we shouldn't share! It was all so confusing! I hate her, I love her. I need her, I want her to just be gone!

Our lips met as my thighs hit the side of the bed and I was pushed back onto the mattress. Her body was warm, like it used to be, her hands were rough on my hips, as they should be.

It was right.

It was wrong.

It was everything I needed and everything that had been killing me.

It was an addiction.

She was my drug.

And I was hers.

.o0o.

I never liked talking during sex in the first place. I felt it ruined the mood. I feel like talking in general just fucks things up. Maybe that's why we didn't work out. Neither of us are good at talking.

It was the next morning, storm long gone, sun shining weakly through the blinds on our bodies. I was in her arms, like things were normal. Her strong, warm muscles protecting me and trapping me. She was still asleep, breathing heavy against me. I could feel her heart beating in my ear.

I already felt regret sinking in.

I had avoided this for so long and now look, I fell prey to her again. She fell to me again.

It was terrible how we were both roped into this, I hated it- I hate it. I felt apologetic, but as though I deserved an apology as well.

We're such a mess.

Jasper stirred, taking in a deep breath as she stretched her massive, toned body before wrapping right back up around me. Slowly her eyes opened, they were filled with desperation.

"...I guess I should go." She mumbled, voice hoarse from just waking up.

"...I...you can..." I paused and sighed, I'd had enough lapses in judgement already. "Yeah...You should go, Jasper."

"Yeah." She breathed. It took her a moment to roll out of bed. Jasper looked so defeated as she lumbered out stark naked and found her clothes in my dryer. I heard her yell a goodbye which I did not reciprocate, then the door opened and shut, leaving me alone again.

I started crying the second the door closed. I couldn't place an exact reason, maybe just regret, or longing, but I laid in bed for a good hour just sobbing into the sheets that smelled like us.

Eventually, my dried eyes and throbbing head became too much to bear. My tired limbs moved my even weaker body from my bed and to the kitchen to get a glass of water and soothe the burning sensation in my brain.

I rested against the counter, the granite was absolutely frigid against my bare skin. What was I going to do? I was all alone again. Satiated in one way but never the other; I never got the love that was supposed to resonate from the afterglow. I always cut it short, I never even gave her a chance- but she never stopped me either. Or I'm just trying to divert blame.

I could hear my phone ringing from across the apartment. I lingered against the counter for another good minute, hoping the caller would relent, but they didn't. My feet padded quietly back into my bedroom as I sought out my phone; it rested on my nightstand, blaring a distinctly techno ringtone. I knew who it was then.

"Peridot?"

"Lapis!" My friend's strident voice pierced my ears with an intensity only she could surmise. "I called you four times last night! That storm was insane, I thought you got hurt!"

"N-no, I'm fine." I rasped, my voice hoarse from crying.

"Whoa, you sure? You don't sound ok."

"Yeah I-I'm fine, I just woke up."

"Lapis, don't lie to me. Have you been crying?" I didn't answer. I heard a resounding sigh on her end. "I'll be over in twenty."

.o0o.

A terse knock on my door signaled Peridot's arrival. Upon pulling it open, I was met with a mop of hair. I had to look down to actually meet her eyes.

"Lazuli, what's going on?" She deadpanned, walking in without a direct invitation. "Are you okay?" Her tone and general demeanor was confrontational, but her eyes showed she cared.

"It's nothing." I lied.

"...Lazuli."

"No, really, it's fine."

"Lazuli-"

"I'm okay!"

"Lapis!" Peridot finally shouted, stomping her little foot. "Why are you avoiding my questions? You know you can talk to me; you always talk to me! What happened that you won't talk about-" she paused, thinking, brows furrowing. "...Was it something about Jasper?"

I felt defeat wash over me. My hand covered my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at her, see her disappointment. "Lapis..." Peridot sighed. I heard her walk closer, I felt her linger next to me for a moment before she finally hugged me. It took me a second to reciprocate the kindness, I hesitated in fear of crying in front of her. But I was so fucked up at this point I just gave in and held onto Peridot and started sobbing. She shushed me and rubbed my back tenderly for a minute before leading me to the couch. "What happened?" She asked quietly, her hand resting on mine in my lap. I shrugged, tears streaming down my face.

"I..." I couldn't find the words even though I knew exactly what to say. 'We fucked. That's it. She came over and we fucked. Good job me, right?'

"She couldn't make it home because of the storm..." I started, sniffling. I'm sure I looked like an absolute wreck right then; a combination of no sleep, post-sex regret, and crying was not a good mix for a 'yeah, I woke up like this' look.

"So you invited her up?" Peridot questioned.

"N-no! She was beating on my door like a crazy person, but I let her in because that storm was fucking insane."

"Yeah, there's been a bunch of damage all over town- but never mind that. You let her in and...?" Peridot's furrowed brows and bright eyes were still trained sternly on me. She wouldn't waver.

"I told her not to talk to me. I let her put her clothes in the dryer, then she grabbed some of the clothes she still had here." I recounted quietly, looking down at Peridot's hand on mine. "Told her to sleep on the couch. I slept in my room...well, laid in my room until I finally broke again and brought her to bed."

"And you two...?"

"...yeah."

"God dammit lapis." Peridot grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. I could feel her pity, but she was still there for me in the end. It seemed like Peridot was one of the only real things I had left. "...Well, I can assume you don't feel too great about it." Peridot sighed, looking back to me with her cheek resting in her hand.

"Of course not!" I sputtered. "I don't want to be with her anymore!"

"Are you sure?"

"...No!" I screamed as another bout of hard sobbing stormed through me. It prompted me to curl my legs up on the couch, forcing peridot to retract her hand.

"Lapis..." Peridot sighed, touching my shoulder instead. "You two have either got to work out whatever the hell it is you have going on, or quit each other entirely. Cold turkey. Delete each other's numbers and everything." Peridot spoke with a sternness I was not unused to hearing the past few months. "You're both my friends," she continued, "and I don't want to see both of you hurting yourselves and each other like this! You both deserve so much more."

I didn't say anything for a while but it seemed like Peridot knew she got through to me, at least a little bit. She sat with me in silence for about five minutes before she stood, hugged me, and walked into my kitchen. The thing about Peridot was that she didn't assume the world was hers, she /knew/ the world was hers, and she acted like it. Though to most it might come off as narcissistic and socially uncouth, I found it charming in a frustrating kind of way. I wasn't new to it though. She had been sauntering around my apartment like she owned it ever since the first time she came over. I've grown accustomed to it.

Her short stature padded around my kitchen, making a racket, but not enough to draw my eyes up to pay full attention. I was too full of loathing. Though I guessed she was making food. I genuinely didn't want to eat but Peridot was always a stubborn one. She would make me eat, one way or another.

As predicted, peridot approached me about ten minutes later with a plate of eggs, toast, and fried ham. Usually I saved the ham for lunch but I wasn't going to protest, it would just start her up.

"Thanks." I muttered, somewhat reluctantly taking the plate.

"You're welcome." Peridot squeaked, sitting beside me with food as well. She helped herself to the tv remote and started flicking through the channels. I wasn't paying attention to what she picked, I got lost in my food for some reason. Completely zoned out but still eating.

"Lazuli?" Peridot said a bit loudly, her hand resting on my shoulder.

"Huh?" A gasp escaped me as I jumped to look at her.

"I said your name like four times." Peridot told me worriedly. "You gonna be okay? You're starting to freak me out."

"Yeah...I think I'll be alright." I responded half heartedly.

"I'm not convinced. I'll call in from work." Peridot replied firmly, already pulling out her phone.

"No, Peri, you don't have to-"

"Yes, hello, this is peridot, I'm calling in today...Yes...Yes...Alright, thank you." She hung up promptly and looked over with a smile. Her smiles were always a bit awkward. Too big for her face, it made them look fake. But I knew they were real. I managed a smile back.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it. You done eating, lazuli?"

"Y-yeah." I answered softly, looking at my mostly full plate.

"That's okay." Peridot assured. She stood and took our plates back into the kitchen. I simply reclined back into the couch and looked back up at the tv to see the show Peridot had been obsessed with for the past month or so.

"Is this Camping hearts or whatever?" I mumbled.

"Camp Pining Hearts, show some respect." Peridot joked, popping off her shoes by the front door before returning to my side.

"I don't wanna watch this garbo."

"Well you gotta fight me for the remote." She retorted, holding the remote firmly in her hand. I sighed, looking at her for a second. I hesitantly reached a foot out and gave her a shove with my heel.

"Gimme."

"Nope."

"It's my apartment."

"It's my hand, and my hand controls the remote." Peridot said cockily, waving the remote around.

"Periiiiiii." I groaned, pushing her with both of my feet. She put the remote on her opposite side so I couldn't reach it at all, then she rested my feet in her lap.

"Just give it a chance, it's not as stupid as you think." Peridot urged.

"But I don't even know what's going on." I argued.

"We can start from the beginning, it's somewhere on the Internet."

"Ughhhhhh."

"Just let it happen, lazuli."

.o0o.

Evidently, it was a pretty good show.

.o0o.

Hours later, after we finished two seasons of Camp Pining Hearts, I felt the pangs of hunger once more. Peridot, still resting my legs in her lap, still seemed enthralled by the tv.

"P," I grunted, moving my feet beneath the blanket to shake her.

"Huh?"

"You hungry?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah."

"We can eat," Peridot assured, looking over at me. She adjusted her glasses a bit and smiled. "Want me to make something?"

"I don't have anything other than like...eggs." I muttered.

"We can go out?" She suggested, resting her hands across my shins.

"But then movement..."

"Movement for food though."

"Ugh, Peri."

"C'mon!" Peridot growled playfully, patting my legs. She swung my limbs off of her so my feet met the floor. Her strong little hands wrapped around my forearms and pulled me up. I whined childishly the whole time but reluctantly complied.

"You don't even have to get dressed." Peridot chirped.

"I don't have pants on under this." I deadpanned, lifting the oversized shirt I wore up to my hips to display the orange briefs I had on.

"Oh." Peridot squeaked, flushing slightly and looking away. "Well," she cleared her throat, "All you need are some sorts or something. I'll drive, we can just go through a drive-thru. You can pick whatever you want."

I let out a huff and closed my eyes for a minute. I didn't answer her. It was enough of an answer for me to walk into my room and pull on some shorts, then return to her.

"Where's my flip flops?" I asked the room.

"I don't know."

"Ugh." I grunted for the hundredth time that day as I searched for a good fifteen minutes until I found my flip flops suspiciously beneath the couch. "Let's go."

"Where to?" Peridot peeped, spinning her keys on her index finger.

"I don't know." I sighed.

"Then I'm gonna pick."

"Okay." I shrugged, following peridot down the apartment stairs. I could see her bright green compact car from a mile away. I noticed some alien related stickers on her car from afar.

"...'UFO's saved my marriage'?" I questioned, pointing to the little saucer sticker on her bumper.

"I thought it was cute." Peridot grumbled, unlocking her car for us. I settled in and immediately adjusted the seat, it was way too far up; my knees touched the dashboard when i sat.

"You're so short." I said quickly under my breath as I stretched my limbs.

"I have no legs." Peridot deadpanned back, lifting one of her pant legs up to show a shimmering metallic prosthetic to me.

"No excuse."

"You're such an ass." Peridot chuckled dryly, knowing it was in good fun.

"You could've gotten taller legs."

"No, I couldn't, because my balance would've been even worse. Physical therapy was hard enough with legs the same length as my old ones." Peridot suddenly looked a bit more stressed, her brows furrowed as she gripped the steering wheel; I realized then that I had struck a cord.

Silence surrounded us for a moment before I managed an apology.

"...I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"I didn't mean it."

"I know, I know you didn't. It's still fresh in my head and I just..." Peridot paused to sigh and rub one of her eyes with the heel of her palm. She turned away from me so I couldn't see the tears that likely hid behind her glasses.

"I know..." I said softly. I hesitated but eventually I reached out and put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. She nodded stiffly and put her hand on mine, gripping my skin for a moment.

"I'm okay." She whispered. She let out a deep breath and sat up straight, then peeled out of the parking lot.

.o0o.

We returned back to my apartment with a few bags of fast food, nothing special, just some burgers and fries. Peridot followed behind me as we climbed the stairs, it was hellish to fish my keys from my shorts while holding the food but I managed it.

The door swung open and inside we hid. Peridot plopped down on the couch once more and started emptying bags of food. We bought too much food, but peridot said it was intentional. She didn't think I would have the will to leave home for a few days to feed myself. She's probably right.

With a sigh, I deposited myself beside her and emptied my bags as well. I felt guilt bubbling in my chest for making her cry earlier.

"Hey, Peri,"

"Yeah?"

"I...I'm sorry. About earlier." I muttered, looking at her through my lashes.

"It's alright." Peridot sighed; she was lying but it was to make me feel better. It didn't.

"No it's not." I protested.

"It was like a year ago, I should get over it." She said, face sunken with remembrance.

"What?! Peridot, you deserve as much time as you need to get through this." I argued seriously. "You lost your legs, you are totally allowed to be upset. I'm the dick for making jabs about it."

"I'm used to them now and stuff but I just..." Peridot let out a sigh. "Jasper and her mom. I feel so bad for them."

My chest tightened at the mention of her name.

"H-how's her mom doing?" I asked softly.

"She's...the same." Peridot breathed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"...I'm sorry." I whispered.

"It's...it is what it is." Peridot said under her breath. She sat up and started to sort through the food, picking out what she had ordered. I went quiet and picked mine out as well. Peridot flicked the tv back on and settled beside me in the couch, eating silently. We returned to our Camp Pining Hearts marathon, slowly the tension in the air melted away and things were normal again. Peridot stretched as she finished her meal, raising her arms up over her head and locking her fingers.

Shamelessly, my eyes diverted to her chest. I couldn't help but notice as she stretched that there was something different about her.

"Peri,"

"Hm?"

"Did you get your nipples pierced?" I exclaimed, she instantly flushed and put her arms down.

"M-maybe."

"Oh my god!" I snorted, feeling a smile cross my face as I looked at her reddened cheeks. "Did you seriously?!"

"Yeah." Peridot sighed. "Yesterday. They still hurt."

"Peri, oh my goooood." I laughed, shocked that she of all people would do that. "...can I see?"

"What?!"

"Just show me! We've seen each other naked, it's no big deal." I insisted. Peridot rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "Periiiiiii-"

"Fine, Jesus, just shut up." She snapped, blushing profusely as she grabbed the hem of her shirt and lifted it. Peridot exposed one of her breasts to me, and just as expected, a simple little piercing was implanted in her nipple.

"I can't believe you got your nipples pierced!" I cackled, laughing harder than I had in weeks.

"Shut up!" Peridot squeaked, pulling her shirt back down.

"What on earth compelled you to get your nipples pierced?!" I cackled.

"If you must know," peridot said, adjusting her glasses, "I was out with Amethyst and Jasper, just messing around, when on a whim Amethyst pulled us all into a tattoo place- which also did piercings." She explained, though I deflated a bit when she mentioned Jasper. "The three of us got piercings."

"Wait, what did they get pierced?" I asked.

"Amethyst got her nipples done too but Jasper got another ear piercing. Wimp." Peridot jabbed.

"Wow. Ame can make anybody do anything." I muttered.

"I really think you two would get along." Peridot added with a little smile.

"If that were true we would've met by now." I deadpanned, glaring a little. Peridot shrunk in her seat.

"...I mean...her and Jasper are pretty close, I'd be upset too if-"

"That's no excuse because you and Jasper are close yet here you are with me." I snapped. Peridot sensed my obvious frustration and dropped the subject. I apologized a few minutes later. I hate how she has that power over me, her sad little face gets me every time. Thankfully, she always forgives me.

.o0o.

Evening came and peridot left, but not after making sure I was completely sure I would be alright. By the end of her desperate attempts to care for me I was shoving her out the door.

Again, the sound of the door closing filled me with unbridled depression; the heavy blanket of isolation covering me completely. I took my place back on the couch and thought over what Peridot had said about Jasper. She was right, we were hurting ourselves and each other. The question was do I quit her or do I try to fix us?

We see how quitting has turned out: us having spontaneous sex over the last few months. I never give her a chance to talk. Like I said, it just ruins things...maybe this is my fault. I should just try talking to her.
"Tomorrow..." I whispered to myself, making a mental note to contact Jasper the next day before settling in for the night.