Dear Angel

Anime: Gravitation

Pairings: Yuki/Shuichi implied

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation, sadly -sighs-

Yuki's POV.

Sometimes I wonder why he did it.

Was it his job? Maybe it was his job. Maybe my pink-haired beauty couldn't take all the pressure and mental stress. But that simply can't be possible. He loved singing. It was his favourite thing to do, besides loving me. That was his number 1. No, it wasn't his job. His job didn't cause him so much emotional pain. His job never caused him to crack. It was me: Eiri Yuki, the cold-hearted bastard.

It's my own fault he did it. I'll never be able to forgive myself. I didn't love him enough. I took his love for granted. I never show any signs of affection. I should have showered him with love (God knows he deserved it). All those times I wanted to do something special for him, you know, to let him know how I really felt. Even a simple 'I love you' would have meant the world to him. But I didn't bother. I never thought my beauty would end up like this.

I didn't even bother stopping him, didn't even bother checking up on him when I heard those screams of pain. I was too busy being selfish to realize what he was doing to himself. I was too busy contemplating my miserable existence.

The only memory of that night I have is of me kneeling beside his almost lifeless form on a cold bathroom floor, crying out his name as if my voice were the only thing keeping him alive. His wrists were slashed pretty badly. He lay there, practically dying before my eyes, but somehow he managed a smile and said, "You don't have to worry about me anymore, Yuki. I love you."Then he collapsed. I couldn't move. The phone was too far away. The tears began falling hard when my shaking hand took out my cell phone to dial emergency.

It was too late when we arrived at the hospital. I won't ever forget my conversation with the doctor, how he told me to my face that he was gone. I think my already cold heart stopped when I heard those words. My heart stopped, but my tears were never-ending.

Everyone he knew came to his funeral. His family, his band mates, his school friends, a few fans. I stood in the front row. His mother was crying in her husband's arms; they had lost their only son. His sister had her face buried in her hands; she had just lost her brother because of selfish me. His band mates were crying quietly in the row beside mine. They had just lost a good friend.

I couldn't take it anymore. The tears began to fall down my face, too - tears in which only I would let him see. But I didn't care anymore. Nothing else mattered.

The site of him lying in the coffin, eyes closed, self-inflicted cuts visible on his wrists … I prayed I would never have to see that. I prayed no one else would have to see it. I walked beside the coffin. He looked so peaceful now… so pain-free. His skin was so pale now. I guess the preservative was working. Tears began to run down my cheeks once again. I gently touched his face. God, he was so beautiful, even now. I bent down and kissed his lips, knowing that I wouldn't get the chance to kiss him ever again. I took his hand in my own and kissed it, too. He was so cold. "You're in a better place now." I whispered to him as I kissed him on the forehead one last time. I stepped down, feeling really angry with myself.

I was supposed to be the one in that coffin, not him. He was supposed to bury me. I wish I could have taken his place. I wish he was still here, in my arms, right where he belongs. I wish too many things, but I know they were impossible.

Life without him is awful. There's no more happiness. There's no more passion. Most importantly, there's no more love. My heart has been completely drained of all emotion except for misery and anger. I don't feel whole anymore. My heart is like a hollow well, dark, cold and filled with a sense of hopelessness. He was my everything. Now … I have nothing left. I've lost my will to live.

I still have the print club. I still have the pictures, the posters on my walls, the CDs, the videos. These things are merely sounds and images. They're not the real thing. I know they won't bring him back, but they're all I have left of him. They're the only things that help me preserve his memory. I hold onto these things dearly, afraid that I might forget him.

My empty apartment echoes with his laughter. Every room is full of memories; some good, some bad. Sometimes I like to imagine him still there, doing what he did best: being happy.

At night, I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep with my face buried in his pillow. His scent fills my nostrils and calms my nerves. Then I know he's watching over me. I feel his presence all around me. I can still feel his touch. And when I drift off to sleep, I swear I feel his lips press against mine, re-assuring me that everything would be OK and that we'd meet again someday.

If you can hear me, please listen to what I have to say. I miss you so much. I wish you were back in my life, because it's so meaningless without you. I spend every day and every night thinking of you, wishing you were with me, laughing, talking, and spending every waking moment beside me.

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me. I regret all those horrible things I said in the past that hurt you. I regret all those times I kicked you out. I regret those awful things I did to make you feel like crap. You deserved better than that, I know you did. I wish I could take them all back. I'm really sorry, my love. I know it's a bit too late now, but if you could hear me, please find it in you to forgive me.

I really want to see your beautiful face again. I want to kiss your tender lips. I want to see you again. I want to be able to hold you, just one last time. I want to remember how it feels to be in love and to be loved.

I'll never forget you. Your sweet smile, your silly laugh, your gentle touch; I won't forget any of it. You've made such a difference in my life. You've made me a better person. You always made the world seem like a better place. I'll always keep a special spot in my heart for you. You've taught me the meaning of true love, and I thank you. I thank you for everything.

You were my lover. You were my one and only. You were my friend. You were my angel.

I love you, Shuichi Shindou.

End.