The Twisted Chronicles of Neville Longbottom
Ginny sat by the windowseat, dreamily thinking of her true love Harry, whom she knew she'd never have… "Oh," she sighed unhappily, "The object of my desire shall not requite my love!!!! Oh the agony, the abject despair! When come the day that I shalt be upon my deathbed and cry 'Harry, o Harry, you never did love me, and now it is too late!' I hope he cries out in remorse that it is too late to love me, Ginny Weasley and that he feels guilt for evermore!!!" Ginny was quite aware that not only was she talking to herself, but she was speaking in such a dramatic tone mixed with old english here and there that she would not be surprised if she were going mad. But now it just turned into a little girl tantrum, which she knew was wrong for 17 year old to experience. "Why, Why, Why does nobody love me?" She wailed. Suddenly, Ron could be heard, unlocking the house door, and her oh so sweet privacy to lament was banished. Dashing for the kleenex box, she quickly wiped away her tears, went to the kitchen sink, and rinsed her face, dried it, and appeared at the door ready and waiting with the flakiest smile. "Hi, Ron!" She said with mock cheerfulness, when he opened the door. "Ginny, you never were the best actress. What's wrong this time?" Suddenly she could feel it, the flood of pain rushing up her body. She was going to cry. Oh no, oh no. Think quickly. She told herself. I can't let him know what's wrong. So much for thinking quickly: unfortunately, Ginny was never really quite the brightest bulb in the house. Throwing herself into Ron's arms, she cried into his shoulder. "Who, there. Okay, Ginny. What the hec is wrong?" He said backing away slowly. "Don't be scared! I'm only going mad!" She was about to throw herself into his arms again when he said, this is something we definitely need to talk about. Seating her down, he said, "Start from the very beginning, Gin." When Ginny finally got a hold of herself, she said, "Ron, what's the best way to get a guy?"
***
"Neville, dear, come here." "What is it Grams?"Neville sighed with exasperation. How many times would he have to go through this? "You have something between your teeth. I said come here." "GRANDMA!" Unwillingly the boy dragged himself humiliated over to his grandmother. Lifting his face with her gnarled hand, she said, "open up, boy." Neville attempted to struggle out of her grip but didn't want to admit that his grandma was stronger than he was. Taking a toothpick from her pocket, the scrawny old woman jammed it into the gap between his teeth where a piece of broccoli was caught from lunch. "YEOW!" Neville cried. "Jesus, Grams! You're gonna rip my gums out!!!" Obviously ignoring this angry remark, Grandmother Hepsiba smiled, and said, "There we go! Now that's a good boy." Wiping off the toothpick on her skirt, she walked away with satisfaction. " I can't wait till the day she dies!" Neville grinned to himself. "Seeing that she's got hardly any more years to live, I can't wait till that mad woman's dead. Then I won't have a nagging old woman at my back all the time, and I'll keep all the money, honey!!!! Oooh, that'll be the day. There's not much long to wait!!!" And the scary part was, was that he really meant it.
***
"Oh, Harry! Hermione sighed breathily. "I love you!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop with the mush, will you?"Harry said irratatedly pushing her away. "How many times do we have to go through this? Quit telling me how much you love me. I get the picture. I'm not an idiot, you know." Hermione was about to put in a word or two at that remark, but fortunately, Harry stopped her just in time. "Yeah, I know, that's what you fell in love with me for, because you thought it was cute. Women! They are neverending enigmas!" Hermione looked a little hurt, but Harry just said nonchalantly, "Look, I like you too, but do you see me ranting and raving about it?" "LIKE me? Is that all? Oh, Harry! I'll never understand you!" Hermione stomped out of her own house and slammed the door. " You just watch," Harry said to himself. "After lunch, she'll forget all about this, and come back mushing all over again." Opening the door, he called out, "Um, Hermione? This IS your house, you know." "Oh, right," she blushed.
Hermione came back into her house. Suddenly her facial expression changed to a smile. Harry foreboded what would come next. Oh man, he thought, I think Hermione just went to board the Teenage Hormone Rollercoaster ride again. She's suddenly happy. What else could it be but hormones? She's hormones on wheels. "Harry, I'm so glad you could stay with us over the summer! And now I get to hang out with my number one boyfriend!" I don't think the girl has any others. Harry thought. "And, and, OOOOH Harry!!!" She was about to throw her arms around his neck when he quickly made an excuse. "Er, weren't you just mad at me a few minutes ago?" Hermione stopped, putting down her arms. "Oh yeah." She said with a grim expression on her face. I tell you. Teenage girls are like jekyll one minute, and Hyde the next. But Hermione quickly forgot about her anger again. " I love…" "You love me, I know," Harry sighed with obvious irritation. "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry. I really am. I just do all that because I think you're not getting enough love. You know, from Aunt Petunia, and Uncle Vernon, and all…" "Believe me, Hermione. I get enough love from you that could equal the love of the entire worldly population." "Harry!" she squealed, upset. "Please don't use your sarcasm on me! I don't want to be the one always giving, giving, giving, and you always taking!" "Oh, you give, alright," laughed Harry. "Look, Hermione. I thought I loved you at the beginning, of our relationship, but now, I just can't STAND you! Maybe if you didn't have to fall over me with your dramatic mushiness 24/7, it would be a little more pleasant to be around you. But somehow, I just don't think that's possible. I used to love you doing that---most guys do, but frankly, I'm starting to get a little tired of it now. 'Harry, you're so cute, I just love it when you do that; Harry, are you sure you'll be alright going there alone?; Harrykins, I'm worried about you!; Oh, Harry, just think how it'll be when we're married!!!'" For a few moments, Hermione just sat on the couch, stiff as a raw potato, speechless, just listening to Harry trying to imitate her voice, but sounding like a drunk weasel. "Well, I never!" Harry tried to stifle a wicked smile. This is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for. " I deserve to find someone who appreciates me, someone of higher class than you who has the intelligence to keep me!" She cried. "Good luck finding that someone," Harry muttered. Hermione was about to stomp out of the house again, when, luckily, she reminded herself that it was her own home. Running into the guest room, she grabbed Harry's suitcase, came back, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to the door which she flung open. "OUT!" she cried, pointing her finger to the front lawn. Seeing Harry just standing there smirking, she repeated herself. "OUT, I SAID!!!" Harry didn't move. Obviously, he was enjoying himself. The wide stupid grin stayed on his face. "Can't I just stay a little longer? Your couch is really comfortable. Where did you buy it?" Enraged, Hermione shoved him out the door, sending rolling and toppling down the brick stairs to the lawn, and threw his suitcase out along with him. When Harry and his suitcase both finally hit the soft grass, the door slammed with a large BANG. Then Harry did something he'd never done before. Getting on his knees and putting himself in a praying position toward the sky, he cried, "I'm free at last!" Then, he got on his feet, started dancing around and enthusiastically snapping his fingers, and belted out the lyrics to "Oh, Happy Day."