A heavy, possibly tense, silence fell over the car and all it did was cause another knot of concern to pull in the pit of Olivia's stomach.
'I knew this was a mistake' she thought as she briefly glanced to to the blonde who was staring intently out the window, as if the scenery was the most interesting thing in the world
"Amanda, we don't have to do this" Olivia told her sincerely "We can turn the car around"
"We're almost there 'Liv, I can do it"
Olivia was sure that the latter part of that sentence was for Amanda's benefit as much as her own but she accepted it and let the silence fall between them again, aside from Amanda's occasional deep sigh
The blonde was anxious. A feeling she thought she had managed to either control or leave behind years ago, but it became very obvious to her this wasn't the case the more familiar her surroundings got. How could she actually agree to this? She knew her mother would be concerned after hearing of Amanda's on the job injury but the last thing she expected was a half-demand, half-invite to visit.
"My moms is up here, third house on the left" she directed, as she dropped her un-bandaged hand to her jeans and wiped the sweat from it
Olivia slowed the car and pulled into the driveway as requested, and was surprised to see a seemingly well kept home, at least based off the exterior. By the way Amanda had spoken she had prepared herself for the home to be okay, at best.
"Olivia,I just want to apologise before we go in, my mother - she can be a bit much, and she was never especially comfortable with the fact I'm gay, honestly I have no idea what made her invite me here, it's been a while-"
"Sweetheart," the brunette cut her off as softly as possible "it'll be okay, don't worry about me. I love you Mandy, visiting your family wont change that"
Amanda hummed in disbelief but offered an I love you in response all the same, she just hoped her mother wouldn't use tonight to ruin what she had managed to establish with the older detective over the past ten months.
They both exited the car, Amanda approaching the door and sharply knocking as she drew in a deep breath.
The door opened after a slight delay and Olivia was shocked to see the striking resemblance between the older Rollins woman and her girlfriend. She had assumed there would be similarities but this was beyond that.
"Oh 'Manda! My baby, look at you! The big city hasn't changed you a bit!"
At her mothers words Amanda grimaced "I reckon I've changed somethin' Mom, it's been almost four years"
Olivia was surprised to hear that Amanda hadn't visited home even once since starting in New York, she had suspected that visits had been few and far between but not once? She was understanding the younger woman's fear of being here even more now.
"And look at your arm!" Mrs Rollins completely ignored Amanda's response and switched topics as they all entered the home "I told you that you shouldn't have moved up to that damn city, I'm surprised you haven't been hurt sooner!"
Olivia smirked as she caught Amanda's eye, clearly she'd been less than honest with her mother about her experiences over the past few years, because she had definitely received more than her fair share of injuries.
"Yeah me too Mom.." Amanda had to fight to keep the unhappiness from her tone "Anyway, this is my girlfriend Detective Olivia Benson and 'Liv, this is my Mother, Beth Anne Rollins"
Olivia let the tight smile form on her face despite her nerves and offered her hand to the older Rollins woman but it was immediately obvious to her it wouldn't be shook.
"It's nice to meet you Olivia"
Amanda was surprised at her mothers words, and felt a small pang of joy in her heart, that was until Beth Anne continued her sentence "I'm glad 'Manda is making some friends up there in the big city, I'm always worrying about her, she needs some companionship- some good friends"
Amanda rolled her eyes. 'Great, the friends thing again' she thought, and just about managed to bite back from saying out loud
"Mom" she said in warning, as she took Olivia's hand into her own and interlocked their fingers "I've told you- 'Liv isn't just some friend, which I have plenty of in New York by the way, Olivia is my girlfriend - we're romantically involved"
Amanda stood there feeling the heat rushing to her cheeks, she hated this, every time she visited home it always seemed to involve her coming out to her mother, again and again. It was getting tedious.
"This can't surprise you Mom" she added as her mother attempted to look busy cleaning down the counters in the kitchen where they were all now awkwardly standing
"It's new Amanda-" Beth Anne attempted to begin, but Amanda cut her off with a scoff
"You've known I'm gay for 16 years now Mom. Nothing about this whole situation can be considered new- not anymore"
Olivia looked over to her girlfriend when she heard her voice break and saw the tears in her eyes. This wasn't fair. Now she really understood why Amanda was so reluctant to visit home.
"Darlin' I thought you'd have grown out of this by now- this nonsense!" Beth Anne stopped trying to busy herself and met Amanda's gaze "we raised you better than this, we raised you with God, and you were always so good- a good girl"
"Oh my god! I knew this was a waste of a journey, it's just like when I brought Alison home, isn't it? Although if you try hurt Olivia like you tried hurt her there'd be legal repercussions so maybe not Momma?" Amanda challenged, as she remembered back to the first girlfriend she had brought home, and when her mother smashed a glass which she attempted to threaten her with.
"Also, can I just ask," Amanda continued, the rage dripping from every word she spoke "what were the other redeeming points of me that made you think I was in any way a good little Catholic girl? Are you overlooking the gambling now?"
"I can't talk to you when you're like this Amanda" the older woman huffed and Amanda just shook her head
"And I can't talk to you at all Momma- I can't keep doing this" Amanda admitted and Olivia noticed how much stronger her accent got the more she got upset with her mother "I can't keep coming home here, trying to build bridges and having you tear them down. I'm leaving now, actually, me and Olivia are leaving now- and I will not be coming back-"
Beth Anne looked horrified at her daughters words "What? Amanda, you can't do that-"
"Actually, I can. No matter how much you try to control me and pretend I'm not who I tell you I am, I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions. Goodbye Momma"
Amanda turned and walked out of her childhood home, furiously wiping away the tears rolling down her cheeks and all Olivia could do was attempt to keep up with her until they reached the car.
"Sweetheart, Mandy, please look at me" Olivia asked softly as she got into the drivers seat and reached over towards the younger detective who couldn't even seem to face her
"Please Liv" she begged, "please just get me out of here"
Olivia reluctantly agreed and started to back out of the driveway, her concern for Amanda worse now then when they had been travelling up to her girlfriends childhood home, but she figured it could be something they discuss later and somewhere far away from here.