AN: Like usually another Kinkmeme prompt: Shepard had a thing for Kaidan during ME1 and didn't act on it because it was inappropriate for someone of his station, and he alternately spent a majority of the mission fantasising and kicking himself for said fantasising. Cue ME2 on horizon and the fairy tale ending doesn't happen.

"Attention on deck!"

Shepard glanced to his left and saw the perky marine who had called out the notification to the rest of the crew as he walked in the door. The reaction had been almost instantaneous; crew members sitting up straighter, attempting to hide the cards of the unsanctioned poker game and conversation almost coming to a halt as they all stared at him; it was enough to make a person feel unwanted some times.

"As you were." Shepard muttered as he moved over to the coffee machine in the mess. It was too early in his opinion to befriend the crew. Although they were hours into the day cycle aboard the ship, he had only joined the Normandy a few hours ago after a gruelling fifteen hour mission and five hours of sleep was not enough to function on without a decent sized cup of caffeine. He would attempt to socialise with the crew when he wasn't about to face plant into his breakfast.

"Not a morning person, Sir?"

John blearily looked up and the blurry image before him solidified into the form of Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko; the Normandy's resident biotic. He gave a grunt in reply which caused the other man to grin briefly into his own cup of coffee. It was a cute grin too. John blinked rapidly, where had that thought come from? He shot the biotic a look from the corner of his eye and found Kaidan hadn't noticed anything strange about his superior officer's actions, thank God for small mercies.

Looking back at the dark liquid in his cup Shepard figured now would be a great time to wake up before he embarrassed himself. He briefly entertained the idea of asking Dr Chakwas if he could inject the coffee straight into his system before his common sense nixed the notion, she was more likely to give him the order for bed rest. He hated bed rest, it was boring. Maybe he could handle it if the biotic marine before him joined him. Grimacing, John closed his eyes and dropped his head on the table with a thunk; curse his damn sleep deprived mind, he needed to stop entertaining those types of thoughts! Especially if they were about a person under his command.

"Commander?" Kaidan hesitantly asked, unsure if something was wrong with his superior.

"M'fine." Shepard said, his voice muffled by the table. God, even Kaidan's worried voice sounded like sex…and dammit there his mind went again. John suddenly pushed to his feet and Kaidan jerked back to avoid being hit. "I gotta go…do…stuff." he explained lamely at the biotic's curious expression. He waved a hand in farewell before spinning around and marching out of the mess and into the elevator. It was only as he hit the button to take him down to the shuttle bay that Shepard realised that he'd left his coffee on the table in the mess hall. He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Stupid brain, he thought miserably.

The team debrief after the mission on Virmire was uncomfortable for Shepard in the least. It was made worse by Kaidan questioning his decision.

"I…I can't believe Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?" he asked.

John sighed and ran a hand through his short hair. "Williams' knew the risks going in, she gave her life to save the rest of us." He answered.

Kaidan turned and eyed Shepard with an intent look upon his face. "But why me? Why not her?" he demanded.

John winced inwardly at the question. He had been hoping that Kaidan wasn't going to ask him that. No matter how many times he asked himself the very same question the truth was, when he came down to it; he had picked Kaidan because of his attraction to the other man. He couldn't exactly tell that to Kaidan however. "It was my choice, Kaidan. I chose you." He answered instead.

"But if I had done my job properly, you wouldn't have had to make that call." Kaidan explained as he looked back down at his feet regretfully.

"Not likely." Shepard answered truthfully. "If you want a better answer here it is. You were the superior officer, you have technical experience and biotics; neither of which she did. Ultimately Ashley was just a grunt and she did her job. If I had to make the choice again, it would remain the same." John knew that was how his choice would look in the report to Alliance Command, but it didn't make him feel any better knowing that it wasn't the true reason.

Kaidan's face paled at the explanation however eventually he nodded in acceptance. "You're right, sorry Commander." He stated. "I just can't help but feel it should have been me."

Not going to happen, Shepard thought fiercely. "It's call Survivor's Guilt, Kaidan. We all experience it some time in our careers." He explained. The image of his squad slaughtered by Thresher Maws flew through his mind before he roughly shoved it away.

"Understood, Sir." Kaidan replied softly.

John's heart was pounding in his chest like a jackhammer. He could feel himself drifting further and further away from the Normandy. No matter how hard he struggled to pull himself toward the ship the momentum from the earlier explosion kept him soaring away through the vacuum of space. He cursed angrily trying to quell the rising fear; he was going to be okay. Then he heard the hissing.

"Oh God." He whispered when he realised what the noise meant. His airline had been damaged and was leaking precious oxygen into space. He hastily reach both hands back up to try and stem the flow of air but inside he knew that it wasn't going to make any difference; he was going to suffocate.

It was always said that before you died, your life flashed before your eyes. He immediately regretted never acting on the attraction between himself and Kaidan; he could have had something to think of before his death. Before their final run to Ilos Kaidan had come to him, to talk of course but before he left the room there was hesitation and a brief flash of something indeterminate in his brown eyes that John had hesitated in calling want. But damn if his mind hadn't immediately wandered there when the biotic had left. And now as his head began to feel light and he heard his gasping breaths desperately trying to breathe in the thinning air, Shepard regretted nothing more than not grabbing Kaidan by his shoulders, slamming him into the wall and kissing the hell out of him when he had the chance.

It wasn't fair, Shepard thought angrily as his vision began to blacken. He had saved the galaxy wasn't he supposed to get the happy ending?

It felt like someone had kicked him in the chest; he was left winded and his mouth opened and shut with nothing coming out. How could he say that? Shepard thought in anguish as he watched the biotic walk away. He had never given the other many any reason to distrust him before, why couldn't he just see the truth? The reunion had started off so well until Miranda opened her big, fat mouth.

Kaidan had said he loved him. God, how long had he dreamed of hearing that from the other's mouth? One of the first things he did after being brought back to life was ask about Kaidan Alenko; of course he had been stonewalled by the Illusive Man. On a mission so secret even he didn't know about it was bullshit and they both knew it. But to see Kaidan alive and well before him after the attack on Horizon filled him with a mixture of relief and joy. Relief that the other man had survived the Collector attack unharmed and joy at their long anticipated reunion.

Of course Cerberus managed to screw that up for him. Shepard knew that the pro-human organization had committed horrific experiments; they had busted many of the illegal laboratories during their quest for Saren two years ago. What made Kaidan believe that he would willingly work with them hand in hand. If John had his own way, he would kick the Cerberus bastards off the Normandy, pull in to the nearest Alliance station to replace the crew and get his old team back. Obviously John wasn't about to get his own way any time soon, but it still hurt.

The look of anger and disgust that Kaidan had directed at him before he left hit him like a tonne of bricks. A tiny part of him wondered whether if he had made that move on Kaidan before Ilos would have made any difference today. If they had been in a relationship then, would Kaidan have been more inclined to join him? Somehow Shepard doubted it.

He roughly shoved his rifle onto the magnetic lock on his back and turned away from the rest of his squad to hide the anguish he was sure showed on his face as he called for evac from the Normandy. So much for the hero getting the fairy tale ending, indeed.

End