We put on the same act everyday. He'll whisper in my ear, catch me as I fall and turn my chin up towards him. The guests squeal as I act like I'm an innocent uke, blushing and pouting my lips in his direction. Everyday we go through the game, and then come home where we awkwardly go to bed. We love each other, and I think it's a brotherly love, nothing more. Hikaru keeps me safe, and is there for me when I need him. Yet, I wonder whenever we cuddle close for warmth, or giggle about things that have happened between us over the years, as we are inches apart in bed… if brothers are supposed to do those sorts of things. When I cry, is a brother supposed to wipe them, and then kiss them away? When I am scared, is a brother supposed to dress me into something warm, and hold me close all night?
I'm conflicted about everything right now. As I lay here naked next to my brother, I want to know whether it's wrong to think of my brother as someone who I truly love. Someone who I truly love in ways that make the girls at the host club giddy. Hikaru tosses and turns in bed every night, and it makes me stare at his skin in the moonlight. He is like a reflection of myself, but slightly taller, slightly more masculine. Maybe I am his uke…maybe its meant to be. On the contrary, maybe I'm just some sick pervert who finds pleasure in watching my nude brother sleep next to me. It didn't use to be like this…I think.
When we were younger, my brother and I did everything together. Hikaru and I would sit in the bath together, and laugh as we brought the bubbles up to our chins. But whenever our nanny would leave the room, we would explore each other's bodies. I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time, I was curious about why he had the same parts as me, and he thought the same. As we grew older, we began to realize that boys were sexualized creatures, and it was awkward during our pubescent years.
We still shower together, and oddly enough, wash each other's bodies. I am used to seeing him naked, so there was no point in us being shy around one another. I still get chills when he undresses, and I want to explore once again. Just once more I want to touch parts of him that I kept hidden from others. Hikaru fidgeted beside me, trying to get comfortable. I wanted to wake him, but he looked so calm in his sleep. His hair was like blue fire in the moonlight. It was spiky and tousled, a few pieces hung down in his eyes.
Yes, I think. I am one sick pervert. I closed my eyes and drifted of to sleep.