I wake up hoping it was all a dream but I know it wasn't. How could could I? Does it count if I don't remember anything? Was it my fault?
A million questions went through my head as I layed there thinking of the events from the night before.
My head pounding and vile in my throat from a tremendous hangover was just the start of my problems.
I got out of the bed I had slept in gathered my things went into the lounge room and realised just how messy things had gotten.
I want to get out of there and quick.
On my way home I tried to collect my thoughts together and find out exactly what happened.
It all started when I was 18 yrs old. I had a boyfriend of 2 years who in the only way I knew, as he was my first boyfriend, he was fantastic. All I could hope for, apart from the fact my family knew nothing about him, I was marrying this man and having his future children. Isn't that what every 16 yr old thinks?
When I turned 18 it was different, I started to turn into my own self, I seen the world through mature innocent eyes like never before. All I could see was this terrific wonderful free world that was at my feet, I could have it all, the only thing stopping me was Heath.
Heath was 20, he wasn't interested in exploring new things or going anywhere interesting, to him the world was me and sport, as long as he had his two loves what more could he want.
Our lives together were very much together but apart we couldn't be far enough away from eachother.
Lorna Grayson my best friend was a beautiful, intelligent 18 year old, we had known eachother since we were six, Lorna was the type of person who walked into a room and everyone stopped to watch. All our lives she excelled in everything and i went along for the ride, while i was still attractive in my own rights and still got good grades she always won the show.
When we went to high school we became friends with Felicity Moore. Flick and Lorna became close and i became more of a third wheel in the little group, while we had our other friends in the group it was always Lorna, Flick and i that done it all together.
As we went through our high school years Flicity and I met our boyfriends who were also friends, it was perfect for us, the four of us could do everything together. Lorna carried on about us being in a relationship and gave Flick and i a lecture.
"You girls are way too young to have boyfriends, they are 2 years older then you, they are going to want so much more than you can give them"
I didnt want to hear this "Lorna it doesn't matter what i seem to do you never want to agree or think its right, if you had a boyfriend that would be a completely different thing, it would be fine! Even if he was 10 years older. Everything you do seems to never be an issue but the moment Flick or I do something you can always find a way to not agree and make an issue out of it."
"Fine! Do what ever you want to do, but when they come breaking your heart the last thing ill give you is sympathy so don't expect it, go cry to someone else."
Lorna always had away of being the bitchy type but for some reason no one seemed to care or ever question why she was like that. You accepted it or dealt with it in your own way. Either way it wasn't her issue how you took her critisicm.
Flick and I continued with our relationships and were so happy.
Heath was quiet, shy, small build and incredibly handsome. He was the type of guy that all the girls wanted to be with but he never gave them the time of day. It was all about his friends. I think it was just his lack of self confidence that he never felt he could go anywhere with girls.
At school he would sit with his friends and never so much look in my direction but after school it completely changed, he would text me or call me, chat online anyway of talking to me he was there. After about 6 months of talking he asked me to be his girlfriend, i was so excited, i couldn't believe Heath was asking me out.
"Gem, you'll never guess who just asked me out! HEATH!" I screamed to my older sister.
"No way! I didnt even know he knew how to speak! He was always so shy and awkward. But so hot. Men, i'll never understand them."
I tuned out half way through her whine, i was too excited but felt for her as her fiance of four years had just left her, 6 months before they were meant to get married.
Gemma was 20, way too young to get married but regardless of what anyone told her she wanted to be with Charlie forever and that was that.
My mom and Gemma were the only two people i had told about Heath at first, it took me a week to tell Flick and another week after to tell Lorna.
Heath and i started so in love and done everything together. Every week we celebrated our "anniversary", each month we celebrated by doing something together. It was the perfect young romance. The type you watched in movies or read it books. The sweet text messages, the beautiful cards he would write me, it was simply magical.
We were together for 5 months and 4 days when we decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level. It was both of our first times.
We were at Heaths parents house and we took each step slowly. Undressing slowly we looked at eachother in shock.
"Are you sure your ready for this babe?" Heath asked
"Yes! I want this experience to be with you, i love you, and that's what matters the most. If it hurts too much i want you to stop, okay?"
"Of course, i would never want to hurt you, i love you too baby and im so glad that we are doing this together, experiencing this for the first time, together."
I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
I was 16, innocent, and vunverable. In the back of my mind all i could hear was my moms words,
"Sweetheart, just be careful, once sex becomes involved, everything changes. I'm not saying Heath will be better or worse, but it always changes."
"Mom, trust me, im 16, im way too young to be thinking about sex, can we not talk about it, i feel uncomfortable talking to my mom about this sort of stuff."
Why didn't i listen to my mom?
Everything changed.
The romance changed, the love died down, the sparkle in his eyes faded. All i seemed to be to him was his posession, that he could tell me what to do and when to do it. I listened, unaware of exactly what was happening. After all i was only 16 years old and i didn't know any better. I had nothing to compare it too. Lorna told me not to go to her about my problems, Felicity was too happy in her own new relationship and Gemma was so negative when it came to men.
I was all alone and had no one to open up to except for Heath but what was the point, it was him that was doing it so of course he couldn't see any wrong. What else was i going to do? Leave him? I would be lost without him and i do love him.
I remember the first time i stayed over his house, it must've been a year after we were together, i was almost 17 and his parents and younger brother went away for the weekend. I had it all planned, my mom thought i was at Flicks house and we were doing an assignment together. Heath picked me up and i told him what i was planning on doing for the night.
"Tonight im going to treat you like a king. Im going to run you a bath so you can relax while i cook you a special dinner, and while dinner is cooking im going to come into the bath and make you come like you never have before. I love you and worship you, you deserve it all baby"
"Mmm it sounds like the most perfect evening, go run me my bath bitch!" Heath said with a cheeky smile.
I was so excited, it was going exactly how i planned. We made passionate love in the bath and on my high i went and finished dinner and presented the perfect meal to him.
I had learnt it in my cooking class at school, Rack of Lamb with Herbes de Provence and Roasted Tomatoes. It was perfect and smelt delicious.
Heath was sitting at the table waiting for dinner while watching the live NBA update, i put the dinner on the table and turned the TV off.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Um turning the TV off so we can have a nice romantic dinner together, where does your mum keep the lighter or matches so i can light the candles" trying to change the topic and calm him down a bit.
Ignoring me he turned the tv back on and gave me if looks could kill look. I never seen this side of Heath before and it scared me a little but i didn't want him to know so i just carried on as normal.
"Fine if it means that much to you then leave it on, i just thought that after all the effort i put in and the bath and the amazing sex, you know you could just share a nice intimate romantic dinner with me, without sport."
"Do you ever stop your fucking nagging? You thinking cooking me dinner is so special? And im capable of running my own bath and you call that amazing sex? Babe if i wanted amazing sex i wouldve fucked you hard! None of this love making bullshit that you convince yourself is the perfect boyfriend. I dont even like lamb, give mine to the dogs. Im going to in N out. Want something?"
"No thanks!"
I couldn't say anything else, what was happening? He walked out and i went into the bathroom and sobbed, what am i meant to do? i was 17, i didnt have a car so i couldnt leave, and if i did i would just come back anyway.
I was miserable.