Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from Star Trek.
Summary: On a planet full of pranksters, Sulu and Bones have been punk'd. Can they keep their hands to themselves long enough for Jim and Spock to save the day?
Excuse? I have none, other than this looked like fun – my two favorites together!
I have re-done this. Added a little here and there and an ending. Do enjoy
There were days when Leonard "Bones" McCoy knew Star Fleet was not compensating him well enough for everything he was forced to endure. Like today for instance, they were on Z'Trun Prime trying to negotiate a peace treaty with the natives. It was simple enough assignment, they had dilithum and the Federation wanted to keep them from joining the Klingons. So, when Jim had asked for volunteers to help study the planet's natives, both sentient and non-sentient life forms, Bones had jumped at the chance to get off the ship. But now as he stood on a planet full of pranksters, he was not sure this had been the best idea. Of course that was just like everything else in his life. Somewhere there was a higher being that just loved to take what little hopes he had left and dash them against the jagged rocks of irony.
Walking down the main thoroughfare, Bones watched as children chased each other with different animals, exploding devices and what looked like squirt guns. It was like a summer afternoon from his childhood, only this didn't stop when their mamas called them in, this was an all-the-time event. Even the adults were pulling pranks on each other, though they tended to be more extravagant in their mischief. The main governor was elected by how complex and far-reaching his practical joke had been during his campaign. It was a free-for-all. Leaning towards his partner, Bones grumbled under his breath. "I believe we have finally found the planet from where James T. Kirk would finally fit in." Warily, he kept his eyes focused on those around him. He had not let his guard down since he had sat on something that made a rude sound at the arrival briefing.
Nodding, Sulu couldn't believe what he saw around him. "Don't you think they would have gotten tired of all this by now? Sure it's fun, but not in the forever and every day there after kind of way." He was on edge, constantly checking around behind him, his hand on his phaser at his hip. Since the moment Bones had cursed a blue streak over his attack, Sulu had been permanently pale, sweaty and shaky. Of course, it was only noticeable to those who really knew the pilot. His hands had tiny tremors and his sweat could easily be blamed on the tropical climate. He was a StarFleet officer, he had his dignity to maintain.
Patting Sulu on the shoulder, which only served to make him unclip his phaser and not calm him in the least, Bones stopped walking. "Look, we aren't going to find anything here. Let's just head back to the hotel with Jim and Spock. I'm sure we've got a dinner to attend and then maybe we can go back to our tin can and forget all about this wacky planet." He rubbed his forehead. A migraine was forming at the base of his skull, soon to be pounding in his ears.
Nodding, gulping down his anxiety, Sulu started walking back. "When I was young my sisters were constantly playing tricks on me. They once died my hair bright pink, it was the day before school pictures. My mother had to shave my head. I've never been sneaky enough to pay them back." He attempted to chuckle, put it was more of a strangled clearing of his throat. Too many tricks between crewmembers had gone bad, leaving one, or sometimes both, in Med Bay for several nights.
Swallowing his laughter, Bones had to turn his face away from the younger man. "Well, supposedly these guys are to keep away from us and not pull any pranks. We have diplomatic immunity." He shrugged, that fact had never kept them safe before on every other planet and his incident had proved that.
The short walk back to the Embassy was thankfully uneventful. Their 'guide' had been waiting for them and took them straight to the main hall for the night's feast. Jim and Spock were already talking candidly with the Governor when they arrived; both looking much more relaxed than poor Sulu. With a look between them, Sulu and Bones headed in their direction. It was an unspoken agreement that they would stick together and watch each other's backs.
Smiling, Jim greeted them. "Ah, here they are now. This is Hikaru Sulu, the always calm and collected Chief Pilot." Jim paused as the native shook hands with the Asian. "And this is my Chief Medical Officer, Leonard McCoy." A twinkle in Jim's blue eyes told Bones that Jim had already informed the Governor more of his best friend than he was now telling the good doctor.
Rolling his eyes at his infantile Captain, Bones smiled politely. "Nice to meet you, sir." He was a Southern gentleman damnit, he had known how to play nice since before Jim was even born.
Just like every other planet in the Federation, they had some sort of music and a large feast. Many of the diplomats gave speeches and toasted the Enterprise's arrival. The whole dinner was smooth, no jokes at all. Bones couldn't help but think they were being lulled into a sense of false security, but with his headache he was in no shape to argue. The tension between the Southern and the Asian and the rest of the group was almost palpable.
After suffering through much of the evening, Bones finally slumped in his chair resting his head in his hands. "I just want to go to bed." He mumbled under his breath. If he could get to his kit, he would be alright. Surely Chapel had packed him a hypo that would have him back to normal.
Sulu patted his back. "Perhaps they won't miss us if we sneak out now." He had been looking for an excuse to leave all night.
Taking pity on his CMO, Jim nodded. "Why don't you both go back to your room? I told them that you are bunking together." He paused. "Of course I didn't tell them it was so you could both sleep in shifts because you are so nervous." The Captain chucked and waved to a passing waiter. "Dr. McCoy and Mr. Sulu need to retire for the night. Would you assist them to their quarters?" The native nodded, and turned to the CMO and pilot. Jim waved the two men off as they followed the native, Bones leaning heavily on Sulu.
Spock raised an eyebrow. "It is uncommon for Dr. McCoy to have such a strong headache. Do you think he is the subject of a prank?" He kept his voice low watching the retreating forms.
Jim shook his head. "I hope not. Can you imagine the poor soul that tries to pull a practical joke on Bones?" He laughed and turned back to his plate.
The walk to their room had been blessedly short. The hallways were empty, their footfalls were echoing on the stone floor which only caused Bones more pain. By the time they arrived at their third story room, Sulu was practically dragging Bones. Their waiter merely pointed out their room, nodded once and left them straightaway. Had Sulu not been so worried for his friend he might have taken notice of the haste retreat.
Sulu struggled to get the door open, but managed to get them both inside with relative ease. "Have you got anything?" He younger man helped Bones to lie on the bed.
Grunting, Bones waved his hand towards his luggage. "Should be over there." He sank back into the bed.
Straightening, Sulu hurried to find the right hypo. Within seconds, he handed the loaded injector to the physician. "I hope this helps you." Concern creased his young face.
Bones merely grunted before plunging the medicine into his neck. Closing his eyes, he sank into oblivion for the next half hour. Sulu went about his nightly absolutions as quietly as he could not wanting to disrupt his bunk mate.
After the hypo impeded his brain's attempt to force itself from his skull, Bones woke. With a quick nod to Sulu, he took a nice shower and changed for bed. Feeling much better than he had since they arrived, the physician stepped from the bathroom into the bedroom. He and Sulu were sharing a room with two beds. It was quite large in comparison with their quarters aboard. Whether it was the hypo or the shower, Bones felt much more relaxed and down right giddy about bunking with someone other than Jim or Spock. "That is much better." He smiled, sitting down on his bed.
Looking up from his PADD, Sulu's face was no longer creased with worry. "I am glad you feel better. That must have been a bad headache." He stood and stretched.
Nodding silently, Bones laid back across his bed staring up at the ceiling. His eyes traced over the wall, noticing the vent, something caught his eye. A light green gas was pouring into their room. "Sulu! What is that?" He jumped up.
Turning back around, Sulu followed Bones' gaze to the vent. "That is some kind of gas." Digging through his pack he grabbed his tricorder.
Jumping up on Bones' bed, he took some readings and his mouth fell open. "What is it man?" Bones shouted. Sulu handed down the readings, jumping off the bed. "Pheromones?" Bones' shrill voice snapped Sulu back into action.
Racing to the outside door, Sulu checked the handle while Bones checked the door connecting their room to Jim's. "Locked!" They both shouted at the same time.
Thinking quickly, Bones tried the windows. "They are screwed shut! Damnit!" He punched the glass with his fist, but it did not give way.
Sulu had grabbed his communicator. "I've got no signal." He sat down on the bed holding his head in his hands.
Running his hands through his hair, the older man began to pace the length of the room. "So they are piping in pheromones and we are locked in with no way to communicate with the outside world or the ship." He kicked the wall and turned to face Sulu.
The Asian laid back across his bed, his arms stretched out in defeat trying not to look at the good-looking physician or think about how soft and caring his hands had always been when treating his wounds. "I guess that means we've lost our diplomatic immunity." He grumbled.
Laughing, Bones shook his head. "Well, all I can say is that I'm glad I'm bunking with you and not that green-blooded hobgoblin." He leaned back against the wall. Sulu shot him a look that could almost be classified as a glare. Already, he was beginning to notice how handsome the Chief Pilot was and how incredibly well defined his muscles in his arms and chest were as he stretched them taunt. This was going to be a long night.
Shaking himself from his thoughts, he took the tricorder up again and checked back over the results. The gas was a very potent adrenal pheromone, no doubt synthetic and craftily made. It had been altered just enough to effect the human male. The tricorder listed several unpleasant possible outcomes of prolonged exposure, well unpleasant while being trapped in a room with a friend. Taking a seat on the far side of the room, Bones kept his eyes averted from Sulu's form. "You got any ideas?" He huffed.
Jumping up from the bed, Sulu began to pace. "We could lock ourselves in the bathroom. That might block some of it. Put something under the door." He grabbed their used towels.
Nodding his head in agreement, Bones gathered his used clothes and followed the pilot into the bathroom.
Sulu shut the door. They rolled up the towels and pushed them snuggly against the crack at the bottom. Both men backed up to the far wall watching in fear for any signs of the gas. "Turn on the hot water, the steam will help." Bones' statement held much more conviction than the felt.
Nodding deftly, Sulu turned on the hot water facet in the shower as Bones did the same on the sink. Taking a deep breath, they slid to the floor as the room filled with steam. Sighing, Bones chuckled. "Well, you are hot, you know. It's not like this shit makes me see something that isn't there." Closing his eyes, he completely missed the blush on his friend's face.
~!~!~!~
The next morning, after Jim had tried unsuccessfully to open the door, Spock broke it down and then kicked open the bathroom door. Bones and Sulu had curled up together in the far corner of the bathroom with the hot water still flowing. "Bones! What happened!" Jim raced to his friends.
Groggily, Bones lifted his head. "Diplomatic immunity is a joke." He sat up, pulling his shoulder out from under Sulu's head.
Spock's eyes scanned over both humans. "Are you injured?" His eyes showed the tiniest amount of concern.
Taking a deep breath, Bones shook his head. "No, we are fine." He walked out of the bathroom and straight out of the room.
Stunned by Bones' quick retreat, Jim turned to Sulu. "What happened?" The Captain's face was painted with puzzlement.
Standing up before he answered, Sulu thought quickly. "We didn't know how to operate the bathroom door or shower facets. Bones' bad luck rubbed off on me." His eyes darted between his superior officers before he also left the confined space.
Jim raised an eyebrow and turned to Spock. "Did Sulu have a hickey?"
A/N: Thanks for reading.
I leave it to your imagination.