Dr. Mallard: Proctologist

Summary: Gibbs is hurting and goes to Ducky for help. Chaos ensues

Disclaimer: I'm thinking of applying for a job working for the show as a scriptwriter. Because then, I'll actually profit off of playing with these characters. Sadly, until they hire me, I am still a broke, unemployed college student who owns next to nothing. Woe is me.

Rating: T, really nothing bad in this story.

Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo, with slight mention of Gibbs/DiNozzo/McGee

Warning: This story contains SLASH, implied sexual encounters between two consenting adults, half naked Marine Gunnery Sergeants turned NCIS agents and a broken Mossad officer. If any of this bothers you, I would suggest hitting the back button and escaping. You have been warned!

Author's Note: You remember my story from a while back, "Dr. Abby: Sex Therapist?" Well, this is the sequel. The day after the boys finally take her advice. The story takes place in season 7, however, it's vague enough so it shouldn't be a problem for anybody who hasn't seen it yet. Sadly, this one is in Ducky's POV, so it doesn't have as much fun dialogue and thought rambles. But regardless, I hope you all enjoy!

Ducky sat at his desk. The room was completely silent, save for the sound of the morgue drawer being closed. Mr. Palmer had just put their latest victim to bed. Poor boy was bludgeoned to death by his own brother.

The sliding doors swished open. Ducky turned around and saw Jethro walk in. At first, the older gentleman couldn't figure out what was wrong with his best friend. But there had to be something wrong. His case was solved, and he had a very pained look on his face.

"Hello Agent Gibbs," Mr. Palmer said with a bright smile. But that quickly turned into a frown. "Are you alright?"

Jethro cringed. "Never felt better, Palmer."

That was when Ducky finally figured it out. Jethro wasn't striding with his usual briskness. No, he was slowly… limping forward. Something was definitely very wrong.

"Mr. Palmer, why don't you go check to make sure Abigail has everything situated."

"I just left her." Ducky did the best glare that he could, although it wasn't nearly as terrifying as Jethro's. But the young man seemed to get the hint. "I will, go and double check that." He nodded to Agent Gibbs and headed out of the morgue.

"There's something wrong, isn't there, Jethro?"

The man in question nodded, although he seemed a tad embarrassed to admit it. "I uh, I'm having a bit of a problem here, Duck."

Ducky was starting to get worried. Jethro was never embarrassed. Even on the rare occasions he did something embarrassing, he kept his cool rather well. Ducky stepped closer. "Jethro, whatever it is, you can tell me." He hoped his eyes showed all of the love and concern that he felt.

Jethro sighed heavily. "I'm having a hard time walking, Ducky."

The older man was confused. "I don't understand. Did you hurt your leg or something?" And why would that embarrass him? He was getting older, it was expected that his physical health would diminish a little. He should have been grateful to last as long as he did.

The taller man shook his head. "No. It happened last night." He looked directly into Ducky's eyes, trying to convey a message.

Of course, what that message was, Ducky didn't have a clue. "Something happened last night?"

Jethro, with a roll of his eyes, turned away and carefully moved away from the doctor. "Ducky, how many times have I come to you in the last two months asking for help?" Ducky was about to answer when Jethro added, "With something not related to a case?"

Well, that was a little more difficult. Well there was that one time he came down…

His thought trailed off. Oh dear, he thought. He hid his grin behind a cough. "Another… interesting evening with young Anthony, Jethro?"

Jethro turned back to Ducky, it was obvious he was trying to glare, but failing miserably. Either he was thinking about last night, or he was grinning because of what Ducky actually said.

"I take it, that the two of you worked out your issues?" Ducky asked.

Jethro nodded. "Abby helped in that department."

Well that threw the older gent for a loop. He had no idea that Jethro had any plan to tell Abigail about his relationship of sorts with Tony. Though he supposed if anyone was going to be supportive, it would be Abigail. "How did she take the news?"

Jethro chuckled. "She told me she was happy for us. And that I got a case of DiNozzo-itis. And we're never allowed to break up."

"You have to actually date before you can break up." He crossed his arms over his chest.

Jethro shrugged. "It's kinda like we're dating. I got a nickname for him."

"I wouldn't exactly call Bubble butt a dating nickname." Jethro shrugged again. Ducky chuckled before he spoke again. "Now, how did Abigail help you with your troubles?"

"Her final decision was that Tony should take the lead, but she did suggest that we switch it out, see which we prefer."

"Did you?"

"Didn't get to. Tony went first."

Ducky finally understood. That was why Jethro couldn't walk. "So what do you need my help with?"

It took him a second to answer. "I want you to check if he… caused any damage." It took him at least five minutes just to get that simple sentence out.

Ducky sighed heavily. "Alright. Bend over and drop your pants." He grabbed a pair of surgical gloves while Jethro did as he was told. "You know, Jethro, that I am very fond of Anthony. He really is a sweet boy."

"I really wish you wouldn't call him a boy, Duck." He braced himself against one of the Autopsy tables and waited for Ducky to start his examination.

"He has a good heart, and he thrives to please you."

Jethro groaned as Ducky slipped his index finger inside. "What's your point?"

"When you two first started… whatever it is you want to call it, you came in to get stitches where he bit you. You came in a week later to get lotion for the scratches he left on your back. Considering his nails are incredibly short, he had to be digging into your skin pretty hard to leave those marks. Last week you asked me to give you a penile exam because it was covered in bruises." That one had been particularly embarrassing for Jethro to explain. Ducky made it even worse when he asked why there were three bruises instead of just one, and why Jethro hadn't stopped Tony when he bit him in the first place.

"Tony has a thing about rough sex."

"I can tell. You have some swelling, but it's nothing too severe. I'll get you some lotion. It should help with the irritation." He pulled his finger out and crossed the room. "I assume that from here on out, you will be taking the dominant role in the bedroom."

Silence was his answer.

He wheeled around with his first aid kit in his hand. "Jethro?"

The younger man shrugged. "We haven't really discussed that yet."

Ducky couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Jethro, he hurt you, multiple times. In my professional opinion, I think you should leave well enough alone and get out."

"Duck, he hasn't done anything that I haven't consented to."

"Jethro!" The older gent was getting exasperated. He wanted to help his friend more than anything. "The things that he is doing can be considered domestic abuse!"

"Ducky," he paused and took a deep breath. "It's painful this morning, but, last night was probably the best sex I've ever had in my life."

Ducky was speechless. Jethro didn't look embarrassed by that admonition in the slightest. The doctor sighed heavily. "You love him, don't you?"

Jethro scoffed. "It's good sex, Ducky. Nothing more."

"If it was nothing more than good sex, you wouldn't allow him to hurt you like this—"

"I told you—" Jethro tried to cut the older man off, before Ducky cut in again.

"And you wouldn't allow him to refer to you as High Hoe Silver." He caught a glimpse of a smile on Jethro's face. "And you certainly wouldn't be amused by it." He watched the smile fade. "This is more than just casual sex, Jethro. Whether you want to admit it or not. Abigail wasn't kidding when she said you caught a case of 'DiNozzo-itis.' You are in love with him."

Ducky finally retrieved the bottle of ointment from his kit. He squeezed a little bit out before applying it to his friend's affected area. Jethro hissed, causing Ducky to stop. "Something wrong?"

"Cold."

"Ah, well, I apologize for that. Unfortunately there's not much I can do about that." Although he didn't really sound all that apologetic. He pushed some of the ointment inside. "You wouldn't need me to do this at all, if you would—" He never got to finish. Jethro cut him off with a growl.

"Drop it, Doctor."

Ducky sighed heavily. His friend was just too incorrigible.

He was almost done when the sliding doors swished again. The two men couldn't disentangle fast enough. McGee, Ziva, Abby, and Tony all got a look at Jethro bent over a table with Ducky's finger inserted in his anus.

Tony stared at the scene completely void of emotions. Ducky couldn't tell if he was upset, or simply amused. Abby just looked amused, like she was barely holding in a laugh. McGee started stuttering nervously, while Ziva looked like she just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Gibbs, I am so sorry, we had no idea that you were even down here." She rambled.

"Um, you know, boss, we can uh, we can come back, when you, uh, aren't so… busy."

Jethro pulled his pants up while Ducky threw out his gloves. The four didn't move. They just kept staring at him. Jethro arched an eyebrow. "What?"

That got McGee and Ziva to start moving. It was a race to see who could get out of there faster. Ziva looked like she was about to toss McGee to the side so she could escape first. Abby and Tony on the other hand didn't bother to move.

Jethro glared at the two of them. Tony had yet to show any emotion. "Why are you still here?"

"Why are you down here at all?"

Jethro was hesitant to answer. Ducky couldn't blame him, but he also knew that a conversation had to be had. "Hemorrhoids."

Tony shrugged. "I didn't notice anything last night." Abby moved to stand next to Ducky and watched the events before her. She was literally glowing, but for the life of him, Ducky couldn't figure out why.

"Just noticed it myself this morning."

Tony glared. He obviously wasn't buying it. "Really?"

Jethro nodded. Ducky couldn't take anymore. "Oh for the love of God, Anthony!" He stepped closer to the young man. He wasn't lying, he was very fond of the lad, but he liked Jethro more. "He came here for a rectal exam after what you did to him last night."

Tony blinked. Then he blinked again. After his third blink, he looked away from the short doctor and towards Jethro. "Seriously?"

Jethro shrugged. "Wanted to make sure everything was alright."

"You seriously hurt him, Anthony!" Ducky was furious. For the last few months, he kept his mouth shut when it came to Tony and Jethro. What they did was none of his business. But he wasn't going to just sit back and watch his best friend get abused.

Tony stumbled over his words for a second. "First time always hurts, Ducky."

"And if this was the first time that Jethro made his way down here because of you, I wouldn't be saying anything. However, this is probably the sixth time I've needed to do an exam for Jethro!"

"Seriously?" Abby squeaked.

Tony's eyes darted between Ducky and Jethro. "He never told me about that."

"You should have known that something was wrong! You spend enough time together."

"Ducky!" Jethro shouted out.

But Ducky was on a roll now. He wasn't going to stop just because Jethro shouted at him. "Now listen here, Anthony. You know I care for you, and I supported this… well, whatever it is that you call it. But I will not sit back and let my best friend get hurt." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jethro roll his head up to the ceiling, clearly upset. "If you plan on continuing this thing, then you will have to be more gentle. If that is unacceptable—"

"Ok."

Ducky stopped ranting. He was actually expecting a reaction like Jethro gave him. Angry and telling him to stay out of their business. "What?"

"Ok," Tony repeated. He turned to Jethro, his face no longer void, now he looked worried. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

Jethro shrugged. "Wasn't important."

Tony moved closer, now he was seething. "Getting checked out by a doctor six times isn't important?"

Ducky went to stand with Abigail. He actually wished he had popcorn. Jethro rolled his eyes. "It wasn't a big deal!"

"Six times?" Tony yelled back. "I'm surprised Ducky doesn't think I'm beating you or something."

Jethro chuckled. "Like you could."

For some reason that diffused the anger in the room. Tony's face softened as he broke into a laughing fit. "You are a pain in my ass, old man."

That earned him a light smack. Although Ducky noticed that it wasn't nearly as hard as his usual ones. "You wanna compare?"

Tony shook his head. "If you wanted me to slow down, why didn't you say something?"

Jethro pushed off the Autopsy table and headed for the door. "Because I didn't want you to."

Tony followed behind him. "We are going to have to talk about this, you know."

The two of them disappeared.

Ducky stood with Abigail, just watching as the two of them left. He turned to the younger woman to see her still glowing. "What?" He asked.

"Those two are just so cute together. How long do you think it'll be before they get married? Or move in together?"

Ducky shook his head. "According to Jethro, their relationship is completely physical."

Abby rolled her eyes. "Yeah! And Tony tried to tell me the same thing. But look at how they interact with each other. Gibbs gets jealous over Tony's old conquests, he's miserable when he's not around, and he actually smiles when Tony calls him High Hoe Silver!"

"I did notice that."

Her smile widened. "And you're gonna tell me that they aren't the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

Ducky sighed heavily. He was about to answer when the door whizzed open. McGee and Ziva came strolling in. Ziva looked completely stunned. McGee looked incredibly confused.

"You told her!" Abby shouted accusingly at McGee.

"Gibbs is gay," Ziva said, still stunned.

Abby glared. McGee shrugged. "I was confused." He turned to Ducky. The older man was even more shocked than Ziva. He had no idea that McGee even knew about Jethro and Anthony. Why would they tell him?

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Somehow, he doubted that was the reason for telling McGee about their relationship.

"Gibbs is gay," Ziva repeated.

The rest of the room looked at her. Ducky took a step closer. At first he thought she had suffered from a breakdown. Then she looked up. "With…" she trailed off. Whatever she wanted to say obviously embarrassed her, "you?" She looked at Ducky as she spoke.

Ducky's jaw dropped, Abby grew angry, McGee stepped out of the way.

"How could you possibly think that?" Abby shouted.

"Absolutely not," Ducky said quietly at the exact same time.

Abby kept screaming. "Gibbs is meant to be with Tony, those two are together forever and now they've worked out all of their issues, they're having sex, they're talking—"

Ziva cut her off. "Wait, wait, wait. Tony's with Gibbs?" The other three nodded. "You mean, together together?" Another nod. "And they're having sex?"

"And they kiss and snuggle and give each other cute pet names."

"Well," Ducky started. "As cute as those two possibly can."

"Since when?" She turned to McGee. "Why did they tell you and not me?"

McGee held up his hands in surrender. "They didn't tell me anything. I overheard them talking to Abby about it a couple days ago."

Well that certainly explained a lot. Ducky felt a little ashamed of himself for thinking that Anthony and Jethro told the poor boy because they wanted him involved. That was just ridiculous.

McGee turned to Ducky. "So, I take it they resolved their, um, issue?"

Ducky only nodded.

"Gibbs is gay." They turned to Ziva again. She was back to her shocked expression.

Instead of worrying, Ducky shook his head. She wasn't broken. At least he didn't think she was.

McGee stepped forward and grabbed her shoulders. Slowly, he steered her out of the room. Her face remained blank the entire time.

Ducky turned to Abby. She was still grinning widely at him. "I bet they're doing it right now in the elevator."

"Don't be ridiculous Abigail," Ducky chuckled. "They're not teenagers anymore." He moved back to his desk. He still had paperwork he needed to do.

"Abby!" McGee called from the hallway. "Why is elevator not working?" Abby's grin widened.

I was a little hesitant about this one. I mean, I didn't think it was nearly as good as its predecessor, but I can't lie, I liked the thing with the penile exam. But that's just me. Let me know what you all think, and I will see you all again soon! Well, eventually.

Bob