A/N:

Disclaimer: We don't own nothin'—even a good control over the much abused English Language. Mr. Raeburn is ours but I have no idea where the short, stout old guy came from. We also meant no harm to the Twilight fans, though this chapter isn't very insulting.

Mild Warning: This is the second thing we've ever collaborated on and our first try at being "funny" while actual "authors" here. This is also a Mockumentory, or in other words a spoof. Also, this chapter might not be too funny. We're working on humor. Plus, I'm sick. That's normal, however, so don't worry, any pessimistic worriers of the world. Please don't slaughter us, or if you do, slaughter Cujo. He can take it. He gets flames a lot. In real life, too! I, on the other hand, shall hide. Good luck. –The Monster

Cujo: Thanks for that.

The Monster: What? You just got flames about "Cabaret".

Cujo: Yeah, well. I'm horrible at essays. I ramble. I don't like talking. I know what's good but can't copy it. Can we just move along?

The Monster: ON WITH THE SHOW. ...Before I end up with a missing throat.

Cujo: I'm not that violent. And I wasn't mad.

The Monster: I'm talking about the readers...who are probably going to hate this...

Cujo: Oh. Well. At least I can edit...I'm good at that. Anyway, you can thank Casper and Ice for forcing us to watch the movie and Casper describing her points of why the Twilight books aren't her style.

Chapter 1: Edwin Sullen and Isabella MacKlutz Sullen, Pt. 1

Mr. Raeburn was a stuffy, middle-aged man who currently was in a midlife crisis. He only wore tweed suits, but drove a red sports car. His wife had divorced him in the last year, yet he still had her picture on his pillow at night and talked to said picture (he also talked to his neighbors' cats, since he was so lonely).

He was also a therapist (scarily enough).

Currently, he was wandering around his office, waiting on his next client. He was wringing his hands, worried about his new job.

He'd never done anything like this before.

He was now a Character Councilor, one of the few in the entire country. The only one who had his credentials lived across the pond and in France.

He already figured he'd hate his new job, just like he'd hated his other ones.

What was a job if you couldn't complain about it? That was his logic.

He finally sat down on one of the two plush chairs in his office, as his secretary, a skinny hyperactive woman named Michelle, told him that his first guests would soon arrive according to the phone call she'd received.

He groaned quietly, shaking his head at his own dilemma, as he thought about who he'd have first. First to be in his office would be Bella and Edward, two of the worst main characters known to man this century. He looked at his schedule and felt even more self pity as he realized he'd also have the dreaded Ebony from My Immortal, Fang and Maximum Ride from Maximum Ride (he pitied that girl also), as well as a few other possibilities, who he'd been informed might not be able to come. These included Dragonfirepowerpaw from an unknown Warriors Fanfic, a Super Redheaded Wonder Woman named Bleu Sandra Marti Ryann Ride, Maximum Ride's twin sister, from an unknown Maximum Ride Fanfic, and a few others.

He was booked until next week. He almost felt like crying.

"Why did I have to choose this job? I could've been a High School guy, making sure some emo guy didn't hang himself and some pregnant girl didn't take shots, but no..."

A throat cleared and he looked up to see two shockingly pretty people who oddly enough glittered like a made-in-China Disney costume.

Did they fall into a vat of stripper glitter? He pondered that, not noticing the oddly flame-headed one's wince.

"Hello, good sir, I am Edward Cullen. This is my wife, Bella. Um, just to inform you our daughter and my...son-in-law...are in your waiting room. I hope that isn't a problem."

Mr. Raeburn nodded, eyes narrowing. Since when did teenagers get married and get their assumedly young daughter into an arranged marriage? Scandalous! What had the author been thinking...?

I should've read this "Twilight" they're out of. He thought.

"Hi," the girl with him said, waving meekly. She seemed slightly terrified. Odd...

"Um, that's fine. Just sit down on the couch and we'll, uh, start I suppose," he said. He tugged at his hair, unsure of even how to start.

"You have a nice office," the girl, Bella, said randomly.

"Thanks..." he said, gulping.

"All right... Care to tell me about yourselves?" he asked them both, noting the oddly stiff posture and unblinking eyes of both of them.

Freaks...we have freaks...

"Well, I'm Edward Cullen. I was born in 1901 on..."

"WHAT?" To say Mr. Raeburn was shocked would be an understatement.

This Edward person blinked finally, seeming confused.

"Weren't you told we were vampires?"

"Vampires...?"

Edward nodded, grinning. Well, at least they don't have fangs and haven't tried to eat me yet...

"Well, that's different. Do you...?" Mr. Raeburn wasn't sure how to phrase that question. So, do you eat humans? Drain them of blood? Are Spanish decent humans spicy to the taste? What were you supposed to say?

This Edward character frowned at him, like he could read his mind. Creepy...

"You know," Mr. Raeburn said, in a squeaky voice, "how about we move to the next topic?"

"Sure," Edward said, voice oddly cold. "And we only drink from animals."

"The vegans must hate you," Mr. Raeburn said with a chuckle, "sometimes I swear they wish to be cannibals."

Edward blinked once again, looking confused. "What is a vegan?"

Now Mr. Raeburn was confused. "You know those people who look like heaps of soggy leaf trimmings that have oddly large numbers of tattoos and piercings? The ones who only eat vegetables and non-animal based products and stuff like that?"

Edward just stared.

Mr. Raeburn sat back, feeling more uncomfortable than ever.

"So...you're married? Care to tell me how your relationship is? And, um, why you're here for therapy, actually... The latter you could start with..."

Edward rolled his eyes. "We're here because Jasper thinks we're odd. Imagine that. He was the one who actually attacked the love of my life."

"Edward..." Bella chastened, even as she continued to look oddly pleased, like a cat that got its cream.

What a weird couple...

Edward growled and he let out a whimper, sinking further back into his chair.

"And why did he attack Miss Cullen?" he asked, beginning to write down things on his notepad, for later reference.

"She got a paper cut."

"A paper cut?"

"Well, yes. He could smell the blood..."

"But she's a vampire how could she have been bleed—"

"She was originally human."

"May I ask how?"

"I bit her and she turned."

Mr. Raeburn gulped.

"Okay. And I assume now that couldn't happen, because she doesn't have blood?"

"Yes."

"I also assume she never could come over a few days out of the month, either, when she was human?" he asked, honestly curious.

Neither of them said anything, looking at each other in blatant confusion.

This is going to be heck... Why didn't I become a doctor like my mother wanted?

"My father is a doctor!" Edward said randomly.

He blinked. You can read minds?

"Yep..."

His eye twitched.

"And, I'm also curious how could you have a daughter if you don't have blood circulating, Edward—"

Edward hissed. "Leave it alone! We can't explain it."

"Okay..." Raeburn said, awkwardly.

He was beginning to see why this Jasper sent them to him. They didn't seem to have normal character faults, but they were rather odd...

At that moment, Edward decided to burst into song. He was singing some random Romantic tune and Bella was basking in the glow. He stopped after his voice went hoarse and he realized Mr. Raeburn was hiding under his table, shaking.

"I suggest you go to another psychiatrist. Mrs. Greene is a very good one. I think she could handle your case better."

2 Weeks Later

Dear, Mr. Raeburn

This is Jill Greene, as I assume you've realized. I have dealt with most of Edward and Bella's problems myself, but I wish for you to also deal with them (since I can't handle them on my own). I know you are a novice to this...unique type of work, so I'm sorry you had to deal with these right off the bat. I mean, their movie was awful.

Anyway, here is the list of character faults I have found:

Edward:

Self-loathing; a certain lack of previous history before Bella; he is pointed out repeatedly to be perfect, even though he seems to be abusive to Bella in certain way; his hatred of most people; his onetime wish to kill his daughter; the fact he wanted to kill his wife; and his few abilities and faults.

Bella:

Self-loathing (it's bad when both husband and wife have this trait), a dislike for mortality, a dislike of humans, a dislike of normalcy, her abnormal vampire habits (this includes Edward), her weird Stockholm Syndrome like love of Edward, her leading on tendency with her now son-in-law, her ability to cook but inability to walk (she should be burned quite often), her suicidal tendencies that stem from nothing more than a man leaving her (she needs to realize she doesn't need a man to live, basically), etc.

I hope this helps you in some way. I hate to say it, but the whole family is a mess. The only true three-dimensional character I can find is the person called Jasper. The other blond male, however, kept yelling out about how he was a doctor, the brunette female kept trying to hug me, the werewolf that is the son-in-law is oddly obsessed with the their daughter who is merely a few years old, etc. I am quite worried but I know you should be able to handle it.

Oh, and know Edward is a mind reader. If you didn't watch the movie, too—forced into it by my nieces, I was—then you may not have known that.

Sincerely, Jill

Mr. Raeburn stared at the letter for another few minutes and groaned.

She was sending them back?

Michelle then poked her head in, smiling wildly. "I have coffee! And Snickers! And we have a male tortoiseshell cat that believes in the Great Beyond outside! He can talk! It's amazing!"

"Send him in?" Mr. Raeburn asked, as he snatched a Snickers bar out of her hands. He needed a pick-me-up.

He seriously hoped this one was better than the last.

The Monster: So how did you like it? Feel free to tell us in a well-worded non-flame based review. I love fire, but...

Cujo: In other words, feel free to flame but don't give him a flame thrower for the love of all things good and holy, okay? Anyway, next we'll be spoofing Warriors. We're spoofing the stuff our buddies write about, basically. It's fun. Plus we're knocking off all those funny authors we love. Oh, and Mr. Raeburn came out of nowhere, so whoever owns him...sorry?

The Monster: So, yeah. Hope you enjoyed it. The Nightfall people will be back...

Cujo: TWILIGHT.

The Monster: Okay, Twilight people will be back sooner or later, after the dual My Immortal and Maximum Ride stuff. Actually, we might add Warriors to those two as well. Then we'll do Twilight again... Then probably Flight 29 Down. Hit all the bases; make fun of at least one thing we liked as kids... Then we'll bring in Mary and let her talk. Then we celebrate Anathemas Day...

Cujo: I think they get it. Adios, freaks.

The Monster: If you're mean to them they won't review...

Cujo: When am I nice?

The Monster: You may have a point. See ya next time. Next time will be housed in a different fanfic, since this is purely Twilight and the other will be crossovers. I don't know...we'll see.