Disclaimer: I do not own The Twilight Saga, Stephanie Myer's does.
Author's Note: Yes this s entirely meant to make fun of Mike Newton, sorry to the Figgy fans.
Warning: Mild language...
In Forks church sat The Cullen's, swans, Seth Clearwater, Angela, Eric and Jessica. A priest stood before a giant cardboard box, because quite honestly no one cares enough about Mike Newton to buy him a coffin. In fact, no one really wanted to be sitting there; he was an annoying idiot, killed by his 'BFFL' an emu. His parents are not here because he drove them to suicidal insanity fourteen years ago…
" We are here to remember a dear friend, a family member, an annoying boy." The priest drawled.
" You bet your damned pants he was annoying!" Eric called out.
" My Boy toy!'" Jessica sobbed.
" Anyway, He died. He was an idiot, under the belief the zoos emu was his best friend he jumped into the cage to take a picture of himself and his 'bffl'. The emu kicked him and he suffered more brain damage and died.
" Yeah, Figgy man died!" Emmett shouted only to be slapped by his wife.
" Good spirit, we shall – are – here to celebrate his life. Yay Figgy." The Emotionless priest said clapping twice.
" Um," Carlisle said, " When we went over the x-rays in the hospital his skull had actually been crushed… That's not exactly brain damage, but - "
" Whatever" The lifeless priest said. " He's dead and probably burning in the pits of hell as the flesh simmers, creating an awful smell, screams heard in Harry Potter children books." He said as evil flashed through his eyes.
" Are we going to have snacks?" Angela inquired.
" We could all become cannibals and eat his body so the ground doesn't have to suffer." Charlie suggested.
" That's a wonderful idea!" Jasper sang with glee.
"Eww, I Think I'd PUKE!" Bella shouted in horror, gagging.
" Let's all leave, I'm to lazy to actually bury his body. And with that they all left, but as Jessica looked up and saw Seth she couldn't help it.
" Forget Figgie, you're my new boy toy!" She squealed clinging to Seth.
"Uh" was all Seth could manage to say.