Prologue

Hola everybody! Well this here's the edited version. It has more detail so I think you should read it :D

Oh and a HUGE thank you to my new beta; cascade :D

Sorry for the multiple email notifications :P

My name is Bella Swan, and I am in the deepest and darkest ends of my personal hell.

Why?

She's gone.

Who?

Renee.

Renee who?

Renee, my darling mother, my best friend, my support system… my everything.

Ouch.

Yeah. And guess what?

What?

It's not fair.

Nothing's fair.

The last time I spoke to her was when she screamed her head off at me at the sight of my black leather miniskirt, excessive makeup and smelling of cigarette smoke at 2 a.m. in the morning, just back from a gig to drop off my guitar and heading out for the afterparty.

You are in so much trouble!

To which I merely rolled my eyes and casually strutted out the door, momentarily deaf to her furious yells. I'm a big girl, Renee. I know what I'm doing.

But right now, I sure as hell don't.

Not a word has passed through my lips ever since Phil got the phone call and rushed us both to the hospital. Knowing what had really happened the river of emotions that rushed and raged through me caught my throat, held it tight, and refused to let it go. I could breathe in the antiseptic-laden air, I could swallow down the bland paper cups of hot chocolate Phil made me drink to keep my spirits up when I obviously had no appetite to eat, but I couldn't make myself talk, not even to say my last goodbye when the doctor told us that the defibrillator was the only thing keeping her heart going. The rest of her was dead. I couldn't even bring myself to throw the same damn the doctor out of the room when he kept glancing at us, his watch, us, his watch, as Phil took his time to smoothen Renee's hair and kiss her goodbye.

Now it's been 5 days since she's left. What, only 5 days? It seemed like a forever ago when I watched her coffin lowered into the ground. Renee always loved my singing. Phil suggested that I sing at her funer-..How can I sing when my mother is dead?! Has that man no heart? How did he expect me to sing?! She left me, taking my passion for singing with her. Never will I find a reason to sing again. She always used to say that I was her gateway to heaven; her sweet voiced angel. Have I lead her to heaven then? No I haven't. She's dead. All because of me.

I just can't believe she is truly gone. I can't believe I won't see her face as soon as I wake up. I can't believe she won't be there to try and force me to go out more often. Or that she won't be there to scold me when I came home late from a gig. I can't even believe she won't be there to give me the cold shoulder when I do wrong. I would take the cold shoulder instead of this a hundred times over.

I haven't shed even a single tear since it has happened. This feeling... It's draining me. I'm just so tired.

I had a feeling that Phil just wanted to move on, and having me around just wasn't helping him. I might've even stayed with Phil but since Renee left us a month before the actual wedding day, he had no custodial right over me and my biological father, Charlie, would have to be my legal guardian. He said that he didn't know what he could do to ease my pain let alone his own. He said it would be best if I went to him. Although, now, when I think about it I think that this just might be for the best. A part of me screams for that father I never had.

But there's this other part, the part that wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with him. Zero, nada, zilch.

How could I, when I haven't even seen the guy for the past 5 years, let alone talk to him. And he calls himself my father... Not even an acknowledgment of my existence all these years, leaving it all to Renee, that's what he's good for. No phone call, no Christmas cards, not even a sentimental letter assuring me that I'll always be his little girl; soppy stuff like that. Well, News Flash for you 'Dad', the welfare system decided that I actually need a father. But what pains me the most is that he has absolutely no idea what I had to deal with on my own...What I had become…

Oh God, I never got an opportunity to tell her how very sorry I am and how much I love her.

All this pain and regret and memories. I could feel the blood drip out of my heart and onto my hands. The sun could heal me: the rays would shine new hope into my life, the heat could sear into my subconscious and reduce all the emotional baggage to ashes. But no, I'm leaving my sunny, once beautiful Phoenix for the dull and dreary hell-hole that is Forks to live with Charlie.

I've practically avoided Forks like the plague for the past 5 years. I wonder if my room is just as I left it? Or... maybe Charlie put it up for rent or something. He probably would've just found a replacement for me since I was probably such a disappointment to him. I'm really not looking forward to being the 'talk of the town', so to speak. Everyone knows everything about each other. That is how small Forks' community is. Definitely not looking forward to the pitiful side-glances either.
The streets of Forks hold memories… memories that are as perfect as they are painful. I remember trying to stay dry under the awning of the diner we always go to for weekend brunch in the rain all those years ago, squinting through the raindrops at Renee and Charlie screaming their heads off across the road at the teller machine. I tried running away but it was pouring all the same.

I remember a girl I used to play with: Mary. Her personality was always oozing out of her tiny body! She was shorter than me and could probably pass off as my little sister. Always light-hearted, always there to comfort me. She used to hold me and rock me when I couldn't stop crying. I knew what was coming and I was dreading it. I couldn't live without Renee and I most certainly couldn't live without Charlie. She would do anything to make me take my mind off ... what was going on at home.

Mary and I used to go into this clearing just a little way into the woods behind Charlie's house, the house I used to call mine. We called it a "magical forest", and now I truly believe that it really was my magical forest. My sanctuary. The only place which felt like home.

We used to play pretend to our hearts' content .We were beautiful princesses living in gigantic castles one day and conniving and nasty pirates the next.

I don't think I could have ever thanked her enough. She was the only one who could help me escape, even if just for a while.

I vaguely remember the night when we left, Renee and I...

I yelled and thrashed my limbs all over the places trying to loosen Renee's grip on me. I pleaded with Charlie to stop Renee. I yelled for Mary, telling her to call all the pixies, brownies and Prince Charming's of our fantasized world to come help me.

Now, after losing her, I suddenly can't help but fear for losing Charlie. Regardless of everything the man is still my father. I'm finally going to get the father I've been yearning for all these years, even if it is under such desolate circumstances.

5 days ago, I was the singer who went up on stage and performed without even the slightest bit of hesitation, but walking up to my past and looking it in the eye with not even a shred of fear in my soul..Now that is definitely worse.

------x-

BPOV

My eyes started to scan the crowds for Charlie; like a drowning man struggling to get back to the surface.

Charlie, in his bright red shirt and khaki coloured pants, stood at the far end of the room, leaning against the wall, looking like he would rather be anywhere than in the presence of his only family; But all the same, catching sight of him, tears started stinging my eyes. I was finally able to cry.

I was home.