A.N. – Okay, we all make occasional grammar and/or spelling mistakes. This story is intended to be a light hearted, tongue-in-cheek parody. Please read this story with that spirit in mind.
Eddie Sherman was a real life columnist for the Honolulu Advertiser. He also appeared in six episodes of Hawaii Five-O including the season 4 episode "Rest in Peace, Somebody" in which he played himself. So in my mind, he is a valid Hawaii Five-O character. The image for this story is a screen cap from that episode. Eddie passed away in 2013.
Thanks to Tanith2011 for beta reading this story and for the title suggestion!
Stop the Presses!
Jeez, what a week! What a hell of a week! Thank God it's over! Eddie Sherman entered his modest house, dropped his briefcase and keys in the foyer and shut the door behind him. Then he removed his shoes and in his stocking feet, he walked over to the small table that served as his bar. He grabbed a glass, filled it with three fingers of bourbon and drank half of it in one gulp. Then he topped off the glass, carried it over to the couch and plopped down. After all, he deserved a good stiff drink after the week he'd had. He'd never worked so hard in his life!
Why the hell did I go into this business anyway? he wondered in a fit of frustration. He loosened his tie and sat back, stretched out his legs and put his feet up on the ottoman. As he nursed his liquor, his mind was still spinning with the frenzy of getting ready for press the weekend edition of The Honolulu Advertiser. A weary smile briefly appeared on his face. Who was he kidding? He loved his job and he knew it; journalism was his life. It's just that during the past week, most of the newspaper's staff had been out with the flu. Well, to be fair, several reporters and other columnists were there. But the Editor-in-Chief, the managing editor, the copy editor, most of the typists and the page layout staff had been out on sick leave. Eddie had worn several different hats throughout the week. He had done his darnedest to cover everyone else's duties along with his own, all for the sake of getting the paper out according to its usual schedule. By mid-week, he had realized that, due to the volume of work, his usual high standards were slipping. He just couldn't proof read everything by himself. There weren't enough hours in the day.
After finishing off his second glass of bourbon, Eddie tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He knew that he had done all that he could do. He let go of his worries about The Advertiser.
o-o-o
When Eddie opened his eyes again, he found himself seated in a white leather chair in the private office of Steve McGarrett, the head of Hawaii Five-O. He looked around the familiar well-appointed room then shook his head, trying to clear his mind. Then he looked around again. "What the...how'd I get here?" he stammered. He stared up at the imposing figure before him. "Steve?"
The tall detective in the dark blue business suit stood in front of his large desk with his arms folded across his chest, glaring at the journalist. Without saying a word, he walked around behind his desk and from its surface picked up a large plastic evidence bag that contained the latest edition of The Honolulu Advertiser, holding it up for his guest to see.
"Look familiar?" Steve asked bluntly, his eyes boring into the columnist.
"Sure," Eddie replied nervously, "What's the big deal?"
Steve took his handkerchief from the breast pocket of his suit jacket and used it to carefully remove the daily publication from the bag without touching the newsprint with his bare fingers. Then he laid the paper on his desk and used the eraser end of a pencil to flip through a few pages. "Murder, Eddie. That's the big deal," the detective answered. His expression and tone were deadly serious.
Sherman stared at McGarrett in shock and disbelief. "Murder? What do you mean, Steve?"
McGarrett shook his head sadly. "Eddie, we've been friends for a long time, but this I can't condone." For emphasis, he stabbed the air with his index finger, pointing at the offending text on his desk. "You've crossed the line this time."
"Steve, you're going to have to fill me in. I don't know what you're talking about!" Eddie was beginning to sweat.
Continuing to scan the printed page in front of him, the detective began to rattle off a list of infractions. "Dangling modifiers, subject/verb disagreement, noun/pronoun disagreement, prepositions at the ends of sentences, run-on sentences, split infinitives, poorly placed punctuation, gross misspellings - what I'm talking about is the murder of the English language!"
Sherman broke out in a smile. This had to be a joke. "Come on, Steve, you've got to be kidding!"
"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Steve asked, his grim expression unchanging.
"No, you don't," Eddie replied, the smile now gone from his face. He squirmed in his chair.
The dark haired detective carefully closed the newspaper then pressed the intercom button on his desk phone, leaning forward to speak, "Danno, do you have the results from the lab yet?"
"Just got the report, Steve - Che gave it top priority."
"Good. Bring it in, please."
A few seconds later, the polished koa wood door opened and Dan Williams, the second in command of the elite police unit, entered his boss's private office with a file folder in his hand. The curly haired detective took his place between the large desk and a side table on which was displayed a model of a sailing ship. He glanced toward his boss.
"What have you got, Danno?" Steve prompted.
Dan opened the folder and began reading from Che Fong's lab report. "Ten instances of missing commas after an introductory element, seven vague pronoun references, nine misplaced possessive apostrophes, five unnecessary tense shifts, eleven instances of lack of agreement between pronoun and antecedent…" Dan paused when he noticed that Sherman's face had become quite pale. He looked up at his superior. "Shall I go on?"
"No, Danno, just cut to the chase," Steve ordered, knowing that the worst violation was yet to be revealed.
The young officer continued, "There was a total of twenty misspelled words, including…" Dan hesitated and his brow wrinkled in sympathy for the hapless journalist seated before him. A nod from his boss urged him to read the end of the report. Dan swallowed hard then concluded the report, "…including this headline: 'Governor Honors Herpes in Statehouse Ceremony'."
For a moment, one could have heard a pin drop. But the silence was short lived.
"Herpes?" McGarrett barked angrily at Sherman. "Herpes? You are defaming the reputation of the governor of this state, the man and office that I'm sworn to protect!
Oh dear Lord, Eddie thought. This had to be the very worst typo he had ever overlooked. "Heroes," stammered the embarrassed columnist, "that should have been 'heroes'. Steve, do you know just how close together the 'o' and the 'p' are on the typewriter? Or does Jenny do all your typing for you?"
"That's no excuse! How on earth could you have allowed this to go to press?" Steve was livid.
Eddie hung his head in shame. He closed his eyes, hoping that it would all go away.
o-o-o
"Mr. Sherman, how do you plead?" The voice sounded far away. "I'll repeat: Mr. Sherman, how do you plead?" The voice was louder.
Feeling an elbow jab him in the ribs, Eddie looked up to see Judge Tosaki eyeing him impatiently. Then he turned toward the source of the jab to see District Attorney John Manicote seated beside him, urging him to stand and speak before the judge.
Eddie got to his feet unsteadily, quickly taking in his surroundings. He looked the judge in the eye while he spoke. "Your Honor, I plead guilty with extenuating circumstances." What else could he say? Proof reading the paper had been his responsibility and he had failed miserably.
"Extenuating circumstances," Tosaki repeated, his voice laced with sarcasm. "That's what they all say!"
Manicote quickly rose to his feet beside Sherman, tucking the end of his tie back into his suit jacket as he stood. The seasoned lawyer was a small man but he commanded such a level of respect in the courtroom that he seemed taller. "Your Honor, may I speak for my client?"
"You may proceed, Mr. Manicote, but I ask you to keep your remarks brief and to the point."
"Thank you. Your Honor, Mr. Sherman was put in an impossible situation. With so many of The Advertiser's employees out sick, he did the best that he could to proof read all the articles in this weekend's edition. But it was too much work for one man in too short a period of time. If you'll consider Mr. Sherman's professional reputation, the awards he's received in his field…he is a respected journalist in these islands and his intentions in this matter were honorable. Everyone makes mistakes, Your Honor. I ask you to take this into consideration in coming to your decision."
"Thank you, Mr. Manicote," Tosaki responded as the DA took his seat. "Mr. Sherman, have you anything more to say?"
Eddie cleared his throat, preparing to throw himself on the mercy of the court. "Your Honor, due to my own admission of guilt and my remorse, I would ask that the court grant me leniency."
The judge considered the evidence presented as well as Sherman's good name. The charges were serious, but Manicote had made a good argument that the man had done his best. Tosaki wouldn't have wanted to have been in Sherman's shoes last week, that's for sure!
"Will the defendant please rise," Tosaki finally said. Eddie stood. "Edward Sherman, I find you guilty as charged of seventy-five counts of poor grammar and bad spelling. However, in light of your previously clean record and your professional reputation, I will indeed be lenient. Therefore, I hereby sentence you…" Tosaki smirked, "…no pun intended, to six months of community service at Radford High School where you will serve as a tutor in the composition class and a mentor to the journalism students on the staff of the school paper, The RamPage." Tosaki finished his statement with a single rap of his gavel.
McGarrett and Williams were seated in the back of the courtroom and had been observing the proceedings. Dan's attention had been split between the hearing and his boss, and Dan could tell by Steve's white knuckles as the man clenched and unclenched his fists, that his boss's temper was at its breaking point. When the sentence was pronounced, Williams wasn't fast enough to grab the dark haired detective before the incensed man sprang to his feet in protest.
"That's not enough!" Steve growled in a loud voice. "It was he, Your Honor! He was responsible for those mistakes and for that headline that made a laughing stock of our governor!"
Tosaki couldn't believe the gall of the head of Five-O, but knowing the man, he wasn't really surprised either. He rolled his eyes. 'It was he?' the judge thought. I know that's grammatically correct, but who talks like that? Sheesh! "Mr. McGarrett, you are out of order," Tosaki declared. "My judgment stands. This court is adjourned." Tosaki pounded the bench with his gavel.
o-o-o
Startled by the sharp rap of the gavel, Eddie Sherman awoke abruptly to find that his empty glass had fallen from his hand and struck the hardwood floor. Disoriented, he took a few minutes to look around the room and found that he was safe inside his own home. He released a deep breath. It was just a dream! Just a dream! Thank God!
Eddie ran his hand over his face then looked at his watch. If I hurry, there's still time for another proof read! He sprang off the couch and cinched up his tie, stepped into his loafers, grabbed his briefcase and keys and was out the door.
As he maneuvered his sedan around the late day Honolulu traffic, praying for green lights all the way, a thought suddenly occurred to him. I do have my share of free time. When this flu blows over and things get back to normal, I'll have to call Radford High and see if they could use a volunteer.
Pau