Jack put his hand on my back as they lowered her into the ground. I was out of tears, and mostly just too shocked to show any emotion. The whole day went by slow, but very quickly. All conversations were coated with a layer of fuzz, and my eyes were frosted over. Every time someone touched me, I felt as though they were hitting my gag reflex. But I didn't move. I stood in the same corner of the same room with the same drink in my hand as my face had the same, blank expression on. Every so often, Jack came over to check on how I was. I don't remember responding, but I do remember his hand on my shoulder and the look of pity as he sucked in his tears. As the sun went down, the number of people diminished. Truthfully, I didn't expect that many people to be there. But there were a lot; ex boyfriends, friends, family, teachers, acquaintances...and that one Tori girl she always mentioned, but I was never allowed to speak her name. She seemed nice, but Jade hated her, so I did too.
I blinked, I think for thirty seconds, and it was just me and Jack. I think he told Tony and everyone to leave. Tony cried...I think.
I don't remember what Jack was saying, I actually wasn't even listening, but eventually his stupid fucking voice led me to sleep. It was nice, because I hadn't slept since I found her lifeless body in the bathtub, her wrists slit, and the water dark red. And that's what I dreamt of. My dream was exactly as it happened, so I'm not sure if it was even a dream, or a flashback with closed eyes. Because that sure as hell was not restful.
I was gone all day, but we left on such good terms. We woke up, cuddled, ate pancakes, kissed, and then I left. She seemed fine. I mean, she seemed a little stressed, but I thought I could point out the signs of suicide...I guess I was wrong.
When I finally arrived home, the house was silent. My dogs weren't even jumping up to welcome me back. I called out her name several times before I got the courage to move. I ran upstairs, and started tearing the room apart. Once I finished creating a mess, I froze, and slowly turned towards the bathroom. The door was open a crack, but I couldn't see much. I pushed it open with one hand, and fell to the floor. I was screaming, I don't know what I was screaming, but my throat hurt after. I got into the bathtub with her, and moved her lifeless body towards me. I tightened one hand around one wrist, the one that seemed to be cut deeper. I grabbed my cell phone and called an ambulance. I don't remember if I hung up or not, but I know I threw it down somewhere. I sat in the bloody water, and cried as I waited for help to arrive. They were too late. I was too late.
I woke up sweating with my heart racing. Jack walked back into my room.
"Oh, you're awake! I was just feeding your dogs. Are you ok-..." Jack stopped himself. Obviously I wasn't okay. "You slept, like, all night. It's about three in the afternoon now." As he went to sit down, I shook my head.
"Thanks, man, but I really want to be alone right now..can you leave? Please. And...take my dogs. I just want it to be quiet, Okay?"
"Yeah! Yeah, of course, buddy. Call me when you want company." He gave me a weak smile. I didn't even fake one back. Then he was gone.
I rolled onto my stomach and breathed the sheets in. At that point, I had been spraying her perfume onto the bed everyday. I was hoping to never run out. On myself, I would spray her favorite cologne of mine. I know she'd want me to smell nice, even though I looked like shit. I kept my beard, because even though she always said she hated it, I think she actually liked it.
When I wasn't looking through pictures and videos of her, I would read through our old texts.
She asked me where I was. I was out with Jack and the rest of the guys. I should have been home to hold her and make her feel safe. Keep her alive. It was my fault.
"No," I spoke aloud to myself. "No. This is not my fucking fault. This is her fault. She left me. She fucking left me by killing herself!" I stood up and threw my phone full force at the bedroom wall. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until the shattered glass dispersed around a small section of the room. I began to tear through her drawers. Pulling everything out. I threw her perfume bottle against the wall, just where my phone had hit it-it looked like blood dripping. I picked up my favorite shirt of hers, tore it apart, and collapsed on the bed with it in my hands. I held the soft cloth against my face until my tears ran dry.
With shaking hands and blurry vision, I tied a long scarf around a pole in the closet, and then around my neck. I stepped off of the box I was standing on. My toes just grazed the floor, but they weren't touching enough to let air pass through my throat. There was a tightness in my chest, and a burning pain coming from my stomach. Out of instinct, I began to struggle to get down. By then my body began to shut down, and everything went black.
I woke up on the floor with a scarf around my neck, and a broken pole on my back. I was coughing, gasping for air. I took the scarf off, and shakily stood up. The room was a mess. Glass from a broken bottle and a phone, a red stained wall, broken pole...and little specks of blood in between the tiles of the bathroom floor.
"Nothing is going to bring her back." I spoke to myself. "Being angry won't either." I took a shaky breath in, and walked down the stairs to the kitchen.
Soon, the kitchen smelled like pancakes. I was smiling, but something went wrong. My body, still exhausted from everything, shut down into a deep sleep. When I woke up, almost the entire first floor of the house was cracking and hissing with fire. Without a second thought, I ran upstairs to my bedroom. I grabbed the engagement ring Jade left on the bedside table, and jumped out the window. I closed my eyes tight, bracing for impact.
It didn't happen. I opened my eyes, there was nothing but darkness around me, and I was still falling. The ring flew out of my hands and hit into an imaginary cylinder around me. Sparking, it formed into an image. Blurry at first, I could only hear sobs and screaming. Once the image cleared, I could make out two people. Jade and Jade's father. He was beating her. I closed my eyes as soon as I got over the shock, but with closed eyes, I saw the moment Jade took her life. Her slitting her wrists in the bathtub. Her sobs echoed through my ears. I was sobbing, but I couldn't hear myself over her. I opened my eyes once more, not being able to stand the constant replaying of her marking her body with hate. She was now a kid. The cutest child you could ever think of-the little unibrow that she never told me about...
She screamed as her father approached her. Hands on his zipper as he pulled his pants down.
"Shh, baby girl..." He began as he stroked her cheek. She sniffled and he smirked. "No one will ever love you how I'm about to."
I began shouting for him to stop. He couldn't hear me. I covered my eyes, and Jade put her ring down on the bedside table. She sprayed her favorite perfume onto our bed, and walked to the bathroom, about to slit her wrists.
I never stopped falling, and the images never stopped playing.