The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out somewhere. This is a bit of madness that takes place right after .45 And a Half. Literally only minutes after that fic.
As The Figgis Agency Turns
"So why was Mallory trying to emasculate Archer with a stapler?" Lana asked with a groan. She was talking to Ray and Cyril in the bullpen. "Besides the usual reasons."
"Because apparently Archer screwed up another one of her secret missions," Ray told him. "Again."
"I figured that part out," Lana said. "What secret mission?"
"An extremely stupid and extremely illegal one," Cyril grumbled.
"Again, already knew that!" Lana said. "Details, please?"
"Are you sure?" Ray quipped. "You might want plausible deniability."
"A little late for that with this group," Lana said.
"Just saying Lana…" Cyril began. "You might not want to know."
"Yes I do," Lana said.
"No, you don't," Cyril sighed.
"Yes, I do!" Lana snapped.
"Lana you really might want to consider not knowing…" Ray spoke up.
"Considered it. Disregarded it," Lana told him. "What happened?"
"Lana this is bad even for Archer and Ms. Archer's standards," Cyril warned.
"Worse than running a drug cartel for the CIA?" Lana put her hands on her hips. "Worse than fake bomb threats to the state department? Worse than murdering and dismembering the Italian Prime Minister? Worse than that whole mess at Tunt Manor with The Queen and Crown Prince of Durhan? Or Operation Drastic Voyage? Come on!"
"I'm not gonna tell her," Ray gave Cyril a look. "You tell her."
"I'm not going to tell her," Cyril looked at Ray. "You tell her."
"I don't want to tell her," Ray said.
"Well I don't want to tell her," Cyril told him.
"You're the so called head of the agency," Ray said. "You tell her."
"You're her best friend!" Cyril snapped. "You tell her!"
"And I'd like to stay her best friend," Ray said. "You tell her! You've already been burned!"
"And I don't want to be burned again!" Cyril snapped. "I'm already still singed from last time! You tell her!"
"Just one of you tell me!" Lana shouted, clearly frustrated.
"I'll tell her," Archer shuffled in holding an ice pack to his crotch. "Mother wanted me to go on a gun running mission for the FBI."
"What?" Lana did a double take. "What'd you say? Gun running…?"
Archer carefully sat down on a chair. "Yeah she managed to call in a contact at the FBI who needed a favor. See there was this mob boss named Steve Bad Hand who was the head of a gang giving them intel on other gangs. So they made a deal that if he tells them about the other gangs and gives them evidence, the FBI gives him weapons and looks the other way."
"So your mother sent you to deliver the weapons?" Lana was stunned.
"That's right," Archer nodded.
"But we're not supposed to do those kinds of missions anymore," Lana said nervously. "Don't you remember that we were blackballed from espionage missions? We can't do these kinds of missions anymore!"
"Well that's what I said," Archer said. "But Mother was very insistent. Anyway long story short I stole the wrong truck from the depot."
"You stole the wrong…?" Lana did a double take. "What truck? Wait a minute. On the news this morning…It was about a cache of weapons found in a truck at a…And that they found evidence that the FBI was…THAT WAS YOU?"
"Pretty much yeah," Archer shrugged. "You would think that those FBI guys wouldn't leave a receipt lying around…"
"So what happened next?" Lana asked.
"Well I didn't know I stole the wrong truck obviously," Archer said. "Because it was dark when I got it and the lighting was bad. So I stopped at this truck stop for a breakfast burrito…"
"You're not supposed to stop during a gun run!" Lana interrupted.
"I had to use the bathroom too," Archer protested. "Anyway I get captured by this rival gang that was in a war with Steve Bad Hand."
"The gangster you were supposed to sell the weapons to?" Lana asked.
"Right," Archer nodded. "Well we both found out that I got the wrong truck and after a few words we ended up at a bar eating bacon, drinking bacon beer and singing karaoke…"
"I don't believe it," Lana groaned.
"I know," Ray said. "Anyone else I wouldn't either. But with Archer…"
"The next thing we know Steve Bad Hand and his goons break in looking for the weapons I was supposed to deliver him," Archer said. "And he wasn't exactly happy that I didn't have them. Long story short…"
"Too late," Cyril quipped.
"I kind of started a fight between the gangs where both gang leaders got killed," Archer said. "Then almost as soon as they died we got attacked by a third group. Of Feds."
"The FBI raided the bar where you got into a gang fight?" Lana asked.
"Sort of," Archer said. "This was the Food and Drug Administration's security division. Apparently they take stolen meats very seriously."
"There's some kind of black market meat epidemic going on," Cyril shrugged.
"Hang on…" Lana was stunned. "There was also some kind of massive gang shootout in Arizona on the news where several people…That was you too?"
"Yup. Anyway," Archer winced in slight pain. "Ow my balls…I snuck out the back. Stole a classic car that turned out to belong to Steve Bad Hand. And drove home. When not even two blocks from our agency I get pulled over by the cops! Only you'll never believe this…"
"Try me," Lana said dryly.
"Remember Crybaby Craig?" Archer asked. "The guy who dropped out of ISIS when we were training?"
"He was the cop who stopped you?" Lana asked.
"Yeah. The guy who owed me two hundred bucks so he could get a plane ticket home," Archer said. "It was my own fault. I did say I'd pay anything to get rid of him. Who knew he'd take me up on my offer?"
"Honestly you got off cheap," Ray pointed out.
"Yeah but I'm still out two hundred bucks," Archer said.
"Archer," Cyril gave him a look. "If you give me two million dollars I'll leave you forever!"
Archer was stunned. "That's your price?"
"Yes!" Cyril said. "Anything less than that. Forget about it!"
"Huh…," Archer blinked. "I guess I did get off cheap."
"So what happened after Craig stopped you?" Lana asked.
"We had a few words and he said he wouldn't turn me in if I gave him the car," Archer said. "I did. But it turned out Craig couldn't handle it and…"
"Oh my god you guys!" Cheryl ran in happily. "I just saw one of the best fires ever! Not even two blocks from here! EEEE!"
"He couldn't find the breaks as he collided with a gas truck," Archer explained as Cheryl ran out of the room. "I remember now. He was a lousy driver too."
"So to recap," Lana said. "You got involved in the death of a policeman. Stole two vehicles. Started a gang war with the deaths of several gang members. Including an informant for the FBI. Stole a ton of bacon. Accidentally uncovered a major scandal within the FBI. Was involved in a shootout with the Food and Drug division of the FBI. And I'm guessing some drunk driving was involved."
"Well the buzz from the bacon beer has worn off but yeah," Archer admitted.
"And on top of it all," Lana groaned. "The cherry on the ice cream sundae of crazy! Is that you were involved in an espionage mission…WHICH WE ARE ALL SPECIFICALLY BANNED FROM DOING!"
"Again I told my mother but you know her…" Archer shrugged.
Lana looked at Ray and Cyril. "I didn't want to know that!"
"Well I tried to tell you!" Cyril snapped. "Not my fault you can't take a hint!"
"Should have learned that during the time you two dated," Pam quipped as she walked in. "Ms. Archer is out colder than a polar bear on absinthe."
"How did you knock her out?" Archer asked.
"Didn't you hear me?" Pam gave him a look. "We gave her absinthe."
"How did you get her to drink enough for a blackout in such a short time?" Archer winced in pain.
"Who said she drank it?" Krieger walked in and opened his lab coat. It showed several tranquilizer darts.
"Well not at first anyway," Pam said. "And why are you in pain? I thought we took away the stapler?"
"We did," Cyril said.
"She still got in a few shots," Archer winced. "Where is she?"
"She's passed out in the break room," Pam waved.
"I may have added another drug or two," Krieger added. "Or five…"
"So now what do we do?" Lana asked. "And I am talking about the fact that Archer and Mallory perpetrated an espionage mission which we are banned from doing. Not whatever crazy idea that's in Pam's brain!"
"I was actually thinking of that too," Pam gave her a look.
"Really?" Lana asked.
"Yes!" Pam said cheerfully.
"Really?" Lana's tone said otherwise.
"Well no," Pam said. "I thought you were talking about what to do with a broken stapler and a half dozen empty tranq darts."
"Me too," Krieger nodded. "The darts are easy. I can just recycle those and…"
Lana interrupted shouting. "Still talking about the damn gun running/drug gang shootout/ dead cop incident!"
"Do what we always do," Archer said. "Do nothing. Say nothing and pretend this never happened!"
"Well it's worked this far," Pam admitted. "If it ain't broke…"
"Odds are Ms. Archer will forget," Ray said. "We gave her enough absinthe shots to knock a herd of moose out."
"So what do we do now?" Pam asked. "For the rest of the day I mean."
"I say we take a personal day and go to the beach," Archer spoke up.
"I know a private beach we can go to!" Krieger spoke up. "It's on this island I know about!"
"Does this island happen to sometimes be a target for the Navy during maneuvers?" Archer gave him a look. "Using live ammo? Which happen to be going on this week?"
Krieger frowned. "I know another beach…"
"How do you know when the Navy is doing maneuvers?" Cyril asked.
"How do you not?" Archer asked.
"Forget the beach," Lana said.
"Yeah I still have sand in my shorts from the last time," Pam said.
"You weren't wearing shorts last time," Ray gave her a look. "Or much of anything else."
"Oh right," Pam realized. "I got the sand in by…Never mind."
"What?" Lana asked.
"Don't worry about it," Pam waved. "How about we go to the mall instead?"
"Ooh! That sounds like fun!" Ray said. "Oh wait, I'm low on cash. I can't buy that much."
"Who said anything about buying?" Pam said. "We could always use the old five finger discount."
"What?" Cheryl walked in. "You're gonna cut off someone's fingers? Ooh!"
"No!" Pam and Lana barked.
"I meant doing a little shoplifting," Pam said.
"You are not doing any shoplifting!" Lana barked.
"Oh but Archer can start a gang fight and run guns for the FBI?" Pam snapped.
"NO!" Lana and Cyril said at the same time.
"Lame!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Oooh! You know what would be really cool?"
"We are not starting another fire!" Lana snapped.
"I wasn't going to suggest that!" Cheryl snapped.
"Really?" Lana asked.
"Yes," Cheryl said cheerfully.
"Really?" Lana gave her a look.
"Okay yes I was," Cheryl shrugged.
"No! No! No! NO!" Cyril shouted. "No fires! No shoplifting! No more gun running for the FBI!"
"Technically I didn't do any gun running for the FBI," Archer said. "Granted not for lack of trying…Anyway let's just call it a day and go to the beach."
"We are not going to the beach!" Lana barked. "Besides have you forgotten what happened the last time you and the Beach Blanket Bozos went to the beach?"
"Honestly?" Archer shrugged. "Kind of."
"I remember," Lana groaned.
FLASHBACK!
"HANG TEN WHOOO!" Archer was surfing wearing yellow shorts, sunglasses and having a drink in his hand. "SUCK IT OCEAN!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"So I won a surfing contest?" Archer said. "Huh you think I would have remembered something like that? But that's not so bad."
"Yeah too bad you didn't register for the contest in the first place," Cyril gave him a look. "You got into a fight with some of the surfers. And the judges. And the lifeguards."
"You probably don't remember due to the combination of all the alcohol you drank and the concussion you got when they literally threw you off the beach," Krieger added. "And by literally I mean they picked you up and threw you off the beach out into the parking lot."
"We had to pretend we didn't know you so we didn't get thrown out either," Ray added. "Besides you really think sand and your swollen balls is a good combination for you right now?"
"Good point," Archer frowned. "How about we go to a bar instead?"
"We always go to a bar!" Pam pouted. "I want to do something different!"
"How about the zoo?" Cheryl asked. "I want to go to the zoo!"
"NO!" Everyone shouted.
"Why not?" Cheryl pouted.
"Because every time we do something happens!" Cyril said. "Especially with you!"
"Name one time..." Cheryl spoke up.
"The monkey incident…" Cyril began.
"That was partly Archer's fault!" Cheryl protested. "So I accidentally locked the cage door?"
"The giraffe incident," Pam gave her a look.
"Those tranquilizers were out in plain sight…" Cheryl began.
"The petting zoo incident?" Krieger said.
"You said you wanted some new test subjects for your lab," Cheryl pointed out.
"Even I think it's crazy to steal animals from a petting zoo!" Krieger snapped. "Well at least in broad daylight."
"The tiger incident in San Marcos?" Archer remembered.
"Shane was hungry," Cheryl shrugged.
"I'll say," Archer remarked. "He ate the former dictator almost in one gulp."
"The other tiger incident in Branson?" Ray added.
"Okay that time I was just bored and wanted to have some fun," Cheryl shrugged.
"Carol I think it's safe to say the zoo is out of the question," Archer groaned.
"Okay," Cheryl shrugged. "What about Sea World?"
"NO!" Everyone shouted.
"How about Disney World?" Cheryl asked.
"That's in Florida," Ray corrected. "You're thinking of Disney Land. Which is still too far."
"And I don't want a lawsuit when you set Mickey Mouse on fire," Cyril gave her a look. "Again!"
"Again, that wasn't technically Mickey Mouse in Times Square," Cheryl corrected. "It was a low grade knockoff. And I barely singed his fake little tail."
"Let's just go to a bar," Archer groaned.
"We always go to a bar!" Pam said. "I want to go somewhere different for a change!"
"Great," Cyril said sarcastically. "A new and more interesting place to get thrown out of."
"That's the spirit!" Pam grinned. "Now who wants to go to the mall?"
"NO!" Everyone else shouted.
"Who wants to burn down a mall?" Cheryl suggested.
"NO!" Everyone else shouted.
"We can still go to the beach," Krieger suggested.
"We shouldn't be going anywhere!" Lana protested. "This is still a work day if you've forgotten!"
"I've forgotten what a work day actually is," Cheryl spoke up.
"What work?" Ray barked. "Waiting for the cops to show up at our door to arrest us for the stupid thing Archer and his mother did?"
"They're not going to show up," Archer protested. "You know how these things go. Odds are Mother has something on someone and they'll keep their mouths shut about us because they know she'll leak something out about them and make things ten times worse for them than us!"
Cyril thought. "That actually makes sense."
"How do you people think we've been getting away with all the things we've done over the years?" Archer asked. "Trust me. We don't say anything we'll be fine."
"So let's go to the mall!" Pam said.
"NO!" Everyone else shouted.
"What is it with you and the mall, Robin Sparkles?" Ray asked.
"I like the mall," Pam shrugged. "Besides they got a great food court that serves crepes!"
"No bear claws?" Cheryl asked.
"They do but I feel like changing things up a little," Pam admitted.
"I'm not in the mood for crepes," Cyril said.
"Do they have blintzes?" Krieger asked.
"We're not spending the day at the mall!" Lana barked.
"Then how about the Tiki Bar?" Archer asked. "I'm pretty sure my tab's paid up there."
"Pretty sure?" Lana asked.
"Come on Lana," Archer protested. "Without Woodhouse how can I keep track of all of my debts?"
"Maybe you could consolidate them or something?" Krieger asked. "Get them all rolled into one?"
"Tried that before," Archer said. "Didn't want to do the paperwork."
"What about paying things for your daughter instead of drinking?" Lana asked.
"I do pay for my daughter Lana," Archer barked. "I bought diapers for her a couple weeks ago."
"You do know those run out pretty fast right?" Lana asked. "Because she uses several of them every day?"
"Stop feeding her," Cheryl grumbled. "That will cut down the usage."
"If I don't feed her she will die," Lana gave her a look.
"So what's your point?" Cheryl asked.
"Lana don't be such a drama queen over this," Archer waved. "You know damn well I give you money when I can."
"You give more money to bars and that stupid car than to your own daughter!" Lana protested.
"Well let's face facts," Archer said. "I know investing in your children is a big thing but right now AJ is a little money pit."
"And that ridiculous fantasy phallic symbol you call a car isn't?" Lana barked.
"Right," Ray quipped. "That's a huge money pit."
"There is a difference," Cyril nodded. "At least fifty grand worth."
"Fifty?" Pam laughed. "I know for a fact he's put at least a hundred grand into that hunk of junk!"
"You know?" Archer gave them a look.
"You would have been better off not buying the car and just using that money to use a taxi every day," Cyril told Archer.
"Which you do anyway!" Lana barked. "Plus paying even more money for a stupid car that doesn't go anywhere when you should be spending your money on your daughter!"
"Ugh I am so sick of you whining over your stupid baby problems!" Cheryl grumbled. "Wahh! My daughter needs to go to day care! Wahhh! My daughter needs food! Wahh! Wahh! Wahh! Get over yourself. You're the idiot who had the stupid baby in the first place!"
"You know…?" Lana glared at her.
"At least Archer can make some money back by selling his car!" Cheryl pointed out. "Although if we can get a good buyer maybe Lana…"
"I AM NOT SELLING MY DAUGHTER YOU GLUE SNIFFING TROLL!" Lana shouted.
"You're right," Cheryl shrugged. "Who'd want her?"
"WHAT?" Lana barked.
"Well she is damaged goods," Cheryl shrugged.
"You're going to be damaged goods in a minute if you don't shut your glue eater!" Lana made a fist.
"Tease!" Cheryl snapped back.
"Cheryl does have a point though," Cyril said.
"WHAT?" Lana barked.
"Not about AJ obviously!" Cyril held up his hands in defense. "About Archer's car. He should sell it."
"There is no way in hell I am selling my car!" Archer snapped. "It's a classic!"
"If it's such a great car how come I've never seen you drive it?" Pam asked. "Seriously, it's like a running gag or something."
"I am not selling my car!" Archer barked. "My car defines me as a private eye!"
Ray gave him a look. "Flashy on the outside, completely worthless on the inside?"
"NO!" Archer snapped.
"Stylish but undependable?" Ray asked.
"No," Archer glared at him.
"How about it costs an unlimited amount of money for a very limited amount of work?" Ray asked.
"No!" Archer snapped.
"How about it looks great but it doesn't do anything?" Ray asked.
"Wow that car really does define you Archer," Cyril snickered.
"Don't insult my car! That car is the most important thing in my life!" Archer barked.
Lana glared at him. "Besides your daughter and your girlfriend?"
Archer blinked. "Well if I am going to be completely honest I'm really partial to my clothes. That's technically next on the list. And my flasks are pretty important too. They're handmade! What?"
"What do you mean what?" Lana barked. "I can't believe you!"
"I can't believe you're surprised at this," Cyril looked at Lana. "You forgave him for cheating on you but not me. You took him back, knowing what he's capable of. Or in his case, incapable of. But didn't think of me. Just saying."
"Cyril we're not talking about you and your pathetic problems!" Archer barked.
"Right," Lana glared at Archer. "We are talking about you! How selfish you are and your complete and total inability to grow up!"
"On the other hand, maybe now is the time to talk about Cyril and his problems?" Archer gulped. "So Cyril, how's the dating scene going for you?"
"Honestly not that great," Cyril admitted.
"Who the hell cares about Cyril's love life?" Lana barked.
"Terrible actually," Cyril muttered.
"We're talking about you and your misplaced priorities!" Lana shouted at Archer. "Seriously some days I don't know why I decided to date you again!"
"But it's getting better," Cyril grinned.
"Oh brother," Ray rolled his eyes.
"I know," Cheryl agreed. "This triangle played itself out last season."
"I don't know why I ever took you back!" Lana groaned.
"Excuse me?" Archer gave her a look. "You didn't take me back. I took you back!"
"What?" Lana shouted. "In what gin soaked demented universe did you take me back?"
"Uh this one," Archer gave her a look. "Where I took you back."
Lana snapped. "You didn't take me back! I took you back!"
"No, I was the one who took you back!" Archer snapped.
"In the first place," Lana held up a finger. "I was the one who dumped you because you were cheating on me."
"No, I left you because you were being a nag and a buzzkill!" Archer snapped.
"After I dumped you for cheating on me!" Lana snapped. "Then I took you back despite years of proof that you are not ready for a commitment!"
"Me?" Archer shouted as he stood up. He winced in pain but kept going. "Ow! You're the one with commitment issues!"
"I am not the one with commitment issues!" Lana barked.
"Oh yes you are!" Archer barked.
"No I'm not!" Lana snapped.
"Yeah, you are!" Archer said.
"No, I'm not!" Lana protested.
"Yes, you are!" Archer shot back.
"Nooooooooooooope," Lana shook her head.
"Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup," Archer gave her a look.
"Since when am I the one who has the commitment issues?" Lana shouted.
"Oh let's check on the Way Back Machine," Archer said sarcastically. "When I proposed to you?"
"Oh my God!" Lana barked. "I didn't know you were being serious!"
"We were escaping what we thought was the FBI and life in prison!" Archer barked. "Why would I not be serious?"
"Because you never are!" Lana barked. "You dick around every chance you get!"
"Fair enough but still…" Archer said. "That was no reason to tell me that you would rather lose the baby than be married to me!"
"Because I didn't trust you! And I still have problems trusting you!" Lana shouted.
"AH-HA!" Archer pointed. "Lack of trust! AKA Commitment issues! J'acusse!"
"And how do you think I got these trust issues in the first place?" Lana shouted back.
"Well I don't want to blame your parents but…" Archer began.
"Are you kidding me?" Lana shouted. "Are you kidding me?"
"Maybe dating Lana again might not be the best thing in the world?" Cyril grumbled. "Who am I kidding?"
"You are honestly blaming my parents?" Lana shouted at Archer. "Mr. I Secretly Want To Marry My Mother In Order To Get The Love I Never Got As A Child?"
"You're just going right to there aren't you?" Archer shouted.
Ray sighed. "I wish we'd go somewhere else besides this merry-go-round of dysfunction those two call a relationship."
"What relationship?" Cyril asked. "They just fight and they screw!"
"Yuuuuuuuuup!" Lana shouted at Archer. "I am going there!"
"This relationship is so unhealthy they should have pulled the plug off life support years ago," Pam remarked.
"You honestly think that I see Veronica Deane as a mother figure?" Archer barked. "You're nuts!"
"You're nuts if you don't see it!" Lana snapped.
Ray grumbled. "They're both candidates for the funny farm if you ask me."
"Honestly I think it would be more interesting if we focused on Cyril's problems," Cheryl said. "They sound more troubling and complex. And let's face it, he hasn't had that much to do yet this season."
"First of all," Cyril said. "Thank you for…Well the closest you have ever come to an actual compliment of me."
"You're welcome," Cheryl grinned.
"And secondly," Cyril sighed. "You still think our lives are a TV show huh?"
"If it is we really should have done more interesting missions by now," Pam sighed.
"Everyone's a critic," Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"No wonder you're so infatuated with Veronica Deane!" Lana shouted.
"Oh here we go!" Archer groaned. "Here we go again!"
"As much fun as it is introducing a new character for Archer to lust over," Cheryl thought. "It's kind of been overdone. We need to focus on the rest of the core group for a while."
"Yeah how about finding me a halfway decent boyfriend or something?" Ray grumbled.
Cyril, Pam, Krieger and Cheryl looked at him. "What?" Ray asked. "If our lives are a TV show no reason why I can't get in on it."
"That might actually increase the ratings," Cheryl said. "If he's good eye candy."
"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes.
"Why do you always bring up my mother whenever we talk about our relationship?" Archer snapped.
"Because the woman is embedded like a blood sucking tick in your tiny alcohol soaked brain!" Lana snapped.
"Look I admit my relationship with my mother isn't exactly the healthiest," Archer began.
"You think?" Lana barked. "Norman Bates had a healthier relationship with his mother!"
"Well sure!" Archer shouted. "He got to live the dream of killing her!"
"Well if we are talking relationships why can't I be part of a love triangle?" Pam spoke up.
"You were," Cheryl gave her a look. "You banged both Archer and Lana remember?"
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "And Ms. Archer."
"Ew…" Ray winced.
"Nice!" Krieger gave Pam a high five.
"Eh been there," Cyril waved.
"What?" Pam looked at Cyril.
"Nothing," Cyril covered quickly. "Don't worry about it."
"You know I just figured out why you're really obsessed with that stupid car," Lana said.
"Because it's cool Lana!" Archer shouted. "It's a cool car!"
"It's a phallic symbol," Lana snapped. "Surprise! It doesn't work! Just like a lot of male organs!"
"Oh grow up!" Archer shouted.
"You grow up!" Lana shouted. "You're obsessed with it because it's just another toy for you! Another toy for a little boy who just won't grow up! Get a clue!"
"Get a life!" Archer shouted.
"How about getting me a girlfriend so I can get over Lana?" Cyril said to the others.
"If that's possible," Ray quipped.
"Shut up!" Cyril glared at him.
"See that's why you're not doing so well in the ratings," Ray remarked.
"You have to buy all the cool cars and the cool clothes and all the cool gadgets so you can fill in that empty hole in your soul!" Lana barked. "But guess what Archer? You're never going to fill in that hole! It's never going to be enough to satisfy you!"
"Why would I want to be satisfied with just old stuff?" Archer shouted. "That's the point of getting cool things Lana! To get newer and cooler stuff!"
"If Cyril gets a girlfriend, I get a girlfriend!" Krieger spoke up.
"You have a girlfriend!" Cyril snapped. "True she's a hologram…But. You're still dating Mitsuko right?"
"Honestly I'm not sure. I haven't seen her for a while," Krieger said. "I unpacked her right?"
"You really want to talk about holes that can't be filled Lana?" Archer snapped. "How about that big one you tried to fill by having a baby?"
"That is completely different!" Lana snapped. "It's one thing to love another human being! It's another thing to fawn over an inanimate object!"
"I'm not so sure how our relationship is anymore," Krieger said. "And it's not all because I'm in the lab if you get my drift! Or is it because I'm always in the lab?"
"How's this for an idea Archer?" Lana asked sarcastically. "Instead of obsessing over a car that doesn't work and a woman that would never have you…"
"You don't know that for sure!" Archer barked.
"Why don't you focus on your family for a change?" Lana snapped. "That's a novel idea!"
"I got a great idea!" Cheryl squealed. "Barry and Mr. Rompers come back and fight for my love! How's that for an episode?"
"It's fine for a psychotic episode," Pam gave her a look.
"Oh get off your high horse Lana!" Archer shouted. "You stole my sperm to have my baby because you felt empty inside and you wanted to fill that little void inside you!"
"If that was true I'd just have gone to a regular sperm bank and gotten any donor I wanted!" Lana snapped.
"So why did you choose me?" Archer shouted at her. "If I'm so immature…"
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, YOU STUPID ASS!" Lana shouted.
"WELL I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU STUPID ASS!" Archer shouted back.
"I'd love it if you two would die a horrible death," Cheryl spoke up. "Or just one of you. That would be a great way to end the series. Or maybe just give it a kick so the network sponsors would be forced to renew us for three more seasons?"
"What?" Archer and Lana asked at the same time.
"Is she still on that TV fantasy thing?" Archer asked.
"I'm afraid so," Cyril sighed. "And now she's got us doing it."
"I dunno," Krieger said. "I could see us all doing our own thing in spin offs. Pam and I could go off in a really cool van careening through space and time!"
"You mean like Dr. Who only with a more bitching ride?" Pam asked. "Let's face it. That would get old pretty fast."
"I think we all work better as an ensemble anyway," Cheryl spoke up. "I mean I can see some cool one shots or focus episodes. Maybe even a miniseries of some sort? But not a full show. That would just not work."
"Well it worked for Frasier," Ray said.
"Well that was the exception that proved the rule," Cheryl added. "Again it was an ensemble cast that supported and carried the show."
Cyril nodded. "The character of Frasier was extremely popular no doubt about that but come on. You really think Kelsey Grammer's show would have run eleven years if he didn't have a talented group of actors to back him up?"
"The same goes for Benson," Ray agreed. "That was a hugely successful spin off of Soap. I think it lasted longer than Soap."
"That's because the sponsors didn't have the balls to finish the series," Pam remarked. "I mean the least they could have done was write a couple of episodes or make a movie to tie up the loose ends."
"I agree," Archer nodded. "I hate it when a show just leaves you hanging with no chance of closure. Or threatens the audience with that…"
"I've always liked Frasier," Cyril admitted.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"There was definite chemistry with Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde-Pierce," Ray added.
"Oh yeah, definitely," Pam nodded. "There was chemistry throughout the whole cast. You know some of the cast of Frasier played different characters on Cheers?"
"I knew that," Cyril nodded. "In some ways I liked Frasier better than Cheers."
"I know what you mean," Ray nodded. "The first few seasons of Cheers were trying to find it's voice. While with Frasier you hit the ground running."
"Yeah it was peppy and fun right from the start," Cheryl nodded. "It had its own style you know?"
"Oh there's no question in my mind Frasier was better than Cheers," Lana said.
"No question at all," Krieger agreed.
"I have a question," Archer spoke up. "Why the hell are we talking about Frasier?"
"How did we get on this topic in the first place?" Lana snapped.
"How we always get on these topics," Ray said. "By getting off topic!"
"On the crazy off topic express highway," Archer groaned. "What were we talking about in the first place?"
"What to do today," Pam said. "Honestly I'm thirsty now. I guess we could go to a bar."
"Oh now you want to go to a bar?" Archer asked.
"I said I was thirsty now!" Pam snapped.
"Well we might as well go out," Cyril sighed. "We're not going to get a client today anyway. And honestly all this talk about Frasier and Cheers has kind of put me in the mood to go to a bar."
"I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing to do if we had a talk over some drinks," Lana admitted to Archer.
"You realize we could have avoided this whole fight if we just went out to a bar in the first place!" Archer snapped as they left.
"That reminds me," Krieger asked. "Have you seen Lady Pigalmathea? We kind of had a fight."
"The unicorn pig you made?" Ray asked. "Wait I thought you lost that one?"
"She came back," Krieger said. "I think it was just for a visit."
"Well let's go visit the bar before my mother wakes up," Archer groaned.
"She'll be fine," Pam nodded. "And if not, who cares? Now let's go to that Tiki Bar and get our drinks on!"
"I second that," Ray admitted as they left.
Meanwhile Mallory was passed out cold on the couch in the break room. "Oh…Burt…" She murmured in her sleep. "You animal…"
Of course it was Lady Pigalmalthea licking her bare feet.
Mitsuko floated over and watched the scene with glee. "Ha! Evil old drunk witch! Good thing I can control all the cameras in this building and tape everything."
"Just like Mitsuko did in old building," Mitsuko grinned. "In fact I have tons and tons of blackmail material I can use that are secretly stored in hard drives all over the place."
"Maybe one day I should tell Krieger-san that I updated my programming so that I am fully sentient and can go from computer to computer? Nahhhh!"
"No, better for me not to tell yet. It would make it easier for me to control the world if I desire. Or just get really, really bored."
"Oh Burt…" Mallory moaned in pleasure as the horned pig kept licking her feet.
"Not like it would be that hard," Mitsuko folded her arms.