FALLEN HEARTS, SILENT BREAKS
I'll admit I am a fanfic virgin when it comes to posting my own story. So I'll start with one chapter and see what progresses from there. I do have some future chapters 60% completed but I am nervous as to the response I will get (if I'm lucky to get any). So enjoy.
Warning: I have an older sister who when I was little would find it funny to torture me with a little game called 'Guess that song'. I'd have thirty seconds in order to get or was not allowed out of whatever room she had me locked in (yes mean, I know). So in saying all of that, I have a confession... I AM A MUSIC SLUT. In future I will advise a play of sorts letting you know which songs influenced the chapter and some might just have music in them.
Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Twilight or its characters because if it was mine it would have read more like a porno. (I heart me my smut). Ckf
All that is left of this shattered heart crumbles to ashes taken in the breeze. - 21/01/2009
"Rose, can I ask you something?"
I waited until I saw her look up from the corner of my eye, and then returned to my intense staring contest with the red suede futon in front of me. We were in Rose's one bedroom apartment; I lay on my side watching her in the black leather bean bag painting her toe nails a vibrant tangerine. I was here on one of my sisterly bonding weekends. We only lived forty-five minutes apart but when you have shared a womb any distance is too great. Telephone conversations, text messages and emails are not enough. Quality time in the same breathing space does not compare to electronic communication.
"I know this is coming out of left field and I don't want you to get mad or upset with me. But I just need to know…"
Deep breath, I have wanted to ask this question for too long now.
"…Does he ask about me?"
"Who?" She replied quickly, not looking up straight away as she finished applying a coat of polish to her small toe. I knew she would never consider HIM.
I felt my chest compress at the thought of HIM, it became hard to breath (again), as the pain spread from my heart. I don't know how else to describe what I was feeling. I knew the internal battle was beginning, who could cause me the most agony, my Heart, or my Soul. Even though both were shattered they were filled with rage and ready to fight. I realized I could never ask Rose exactly about HIM. She would never forgive me, and I don't think I could forgive myself for going down that path.
It seemed that infinity had passed during my internal monologue. But when I looked back up to make eye contact with her. I saw by her still expression that only seconds had trickled by.
"You mean Jake?"
"Yes." Sigh, my chest still aching. "Jake." Of course she would think of the obvious. The pain at even the thought of HIS name, the other, was unbearable. Through the years I began to find comfort in it, my own penance for the past. Nobody realized they were looking at a facade. Not even my sister, my twin, and the person who was meant to know me better then myself. This was the only piece I would keep hidden despite my current relapse.
"Oh of course, he mentioned you." She shook her head, and rolled her eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world for Jake to ask about me.
Gutless, just ask. Or better yet TELL HER! I am in love with HIM Rose, it is excruciating. Where is he? What has he been doing these past six years? I want him back. I have never stopped caring for him. One mistake cannot be enough to end...
Rose stood up and pushed my legs off the end of the couch to retrieve her cigarettes that were getting squashed underneath my weight.
"Bella! You're lucky there are none left in there!" Her eyes scanned the room for another packet. I reached my hand back behind me, feeling for the shelving unit at the side of the futon. Success, I found what I was searching for; I waved my hand above my head.
"Thanks" She puffed out, grabbing the packet from my hand. "He asked about you the other day, I think it was Tuesday when he rung to see if I was coming down this weekend. I told him how you were going to be here..." Rose opened the sliding door to the balcony opposite us and took a seat on the patio chair. "He asked how you have been. We had a quick chat about 'the break up' and I told him that you seem to be dealing fine. I use the word seem loosely and I assume that when the two of you are together, you are too busy doing other things to discuss it or he obviously would be asking me how you are dealing."
"Oh Rose, why would you say that! Of course I'm fine! I'm the one that did the breaking! That is why I do not talk about it. I am over it." With that, the pain in my chest disappeared. Trust my sister and her divulging of personal information like it was telling someone the weather to bring me back to the present. She has never been able to understand boundaries.
I watched, with annoyance as she lit the cigarette and took deep a drag. "Sure you are. Sure you are." She blew out a near perfect smoke ring. "Well it is the truth. You and Mike broke up and not under ideal circumstances and besides he seemed very interested as to when he would be running into you next." She winked at me and took another drag. "He tried to convince me that we should go to this party on Saturday but I told him you wouldn't be interested..." She hesitated like there was something more there that I should be aware of but continued none the less. "And we had plans to go shopping." Another damn smoke ring escaped from her perfect red lips.
"Rose if you mean by interested, that he is interested in me. It's not going to happen, well happen again. Wehave only started hanging out after all this time andI'm perfectly happy being single. That is exactly where I want to be right now. " I slid onto my back and put both of my hands over my face to cover my annoyed expression. With the scraping of the patio chair, I knew Rose was not finished on this topic.
"Bella I don't understand what when on there between the two of you, or with Mike for that matter."
"Well I how about I clear it up for you. Jake is a friend who once, for a very short period in time I dated in high school, that is it. And as for Mike well we dated also. The relationships ended. The end. Such is life." I sighed behind my hands. I'm sure if I looked up I'd see that familiar look of annoyance that was somewhat well known to me on her face.
"Don't be like that. You have to tell me the truth at some point; I don't believe you WANT to be single and you and Jake have been getting very close of the past three months, ever since you and Newton called it quits."
I knew even with my face covered she was signaling for me to remove my barricade. And not just the physical.
"Look Rose, Jake is just being a good friend that is all. We're just hanging out and we do not, I repeat NOT. Need you and Alice trying to play matchmaker. There are no feelings there Jake ended it between us and...
Flashback
"Hey Jake, I didn't think you were coming over tonight?" He stood in the door, his shaggy black hair heavy and dripping with the rain that was pouring outside as per usual.
"No, I wasn't. Um, can I come in?" he gave me that lopsided grin that I knew too well.
"Oh sorry Jake" I shifted back, letting him walk in. His usually easy to read face was lined and almost serious, a side to Jake I'd not often seen.
"So what do I owe the pleasure? Not that you need a reason to come over. You know I love having you here. Especially when Charlie works late."I grinned, putting my hand out to take his leather jacket. I thought I'd heard his bike.
"No helmet Jake? You know what my Dad will do to you if he catches you right? Especially after the last time" his face lifted a little, but he still hadn't taken his jacket off. My hand hung limp between us.
"I'm not staying long Bells. Charlie not due back for a while?" he bounced from foot to foot. Nervous tick. What was he nervous about?
"No, not till early tomorrow morning. He's doing the midnight shift. What's wrong? Did something happen with Billy?"I finally let my hand drop and took a step towards him. His stance, his face. Nothing added up to anything good.
"No. Not Billy. I kind of need to talk about us"
My heart thumped out of rhythm.
"Yes" I found my voice, albeit a squeak.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking. I mean. We've been friends for so long. Know each other better than we know anyone else"
Where the hell was he going with this?
"But is it enough? I mean. Are we cutting ourselves short just settling for what we already know?"
That's it. I've officially stopped breathing. I watched as he paced the short floor space between us.
"I love you Bella. I've loved you since you made me eat your first mud pie back when we were barely able to walk. I've always known I wanted you in my life. Needed to have my best friend around me." He stopped in front of me know, holding my face in his large, warm shaking hands.
"But that's the point Bells. We're friends. Friends who care about each other. But can you honestly tell me that when I do this" His head bent, his lips capturing mine with their warmth and I kissed him back with equal movements.
"Tell me, did you feel anything? Was it anything like kissing the one you love is supposed to feel like?"His dark soulful eyes searched mine, his fingers delicately rubbing the skin on my cheeks. I could feel his uneven breath warm on my face. He wanted an answer.
"Where is this coming from Jake? I don't understand?"My voice shook as my brain rushed to make sense of anything he'd been saying.
"What did you feel Bells. Did you feel the sparks? Did your blood bubble and boil? Did you get that rushing sound in your head and feel the electric pull between us?"His tone urgent.
"I...I.."
"Exactly. I don't feel it either Bells. It's not there. We're not it. I mean. I'll love you. I'll always love you. But as a friend. Life's too short to let the possibility of something be missed by staying with what we know, what is safe. Don't you see it?"He dropped my face then, his feet busy wearing a hole in the already thin carpet on the entrance floor.
"Have you been smoking with Emmett again?" That's the only logical explanation I had for this completely new turn in our relationship. Not even turn. This sounded like he wanted a full stop.
"No, I mean, yes earlier today but it doesn't change anything Bella. I just think it's time. I've been thinking a lot about us lately and how everyone says we're the perfect couple. I can understand why people think we are. But it's not the same Bella. We aren't. We are great together. But there's nothing that makes us the more. I want the more, don't you?"He'd stopped again, his eyes shining with tears unshed as mine already made their way down my face and onto the floor.
"I guess we're breaking up then" I croaked. He was by my side in an instant. His long arms enveloping me in all that was Jake. Big, strong and smelling of motor oil, dirt and that musky scent that was as comfortable and reassuring as the arms that held me.
"It'll be okay Bella. I'll never leave you. We'll always have each other's backs. But now, we'll be able to find the missing piece to each of us. You deserve more than I can give you. You deserve the sparks" his head rested on mine and I could feel the hot drops of his own tears as they landed in my hair.
"You too Jake. You too"....
Rose brought me back from memory lane when something smacked into my head, which lucky for me my hands were still covering. I grabbed the culprit, a pebble and threw it back at her, missing completely and landing near her feet. I was never the one with the good aim that was Rose.
"Rose you do realize that if you water your outdoor friends they stay alive and if you put them on the table and not underneath the chairs they would survive!" Picking on Rose's green thumb or lack thereof would hopefully throw her off this interrogation track. She'd always loved the idea of a garden; however the limited space she had on her veranda meant her only option were pot plants.
"Shut up Bells! I have plenty of ammunition over here and I am not afraid to use it. Now continue." She picked another pebble out from the pot plant which held the remains of what I can only assume to be a fern. "And, and what?" Nope. Still on track. Why did we both have to be such good friends with Jake?
"Jake and I both realized a long time ago that we are better off as friends, there isn't anything else there. So just do not say that he is 'interested' ok. It makes it awkward when we are in the same room together with everyone looking at us waiting for that "moment" to occur again. It would not matter if it was Jake or Mike who was 'interested' I want to be alone. I need to concentrate on me again." If only they were HIM, no one can compare!
"You cannot be 'alone', and by the way there are too many air quotations floating around here." She wiggled her fingers in the air in the universal quotation sign around each and every word. A smirk obvious on her face even as it was half shadowed in the light that shone from inside the door. As angry as we were right then we both let out a small chuckle. Rose and I have always used our hands when speaking, a lovely inheritance from our mother. When the laughter stopped, her face returned to the same pissed off expression from before and I returned to my previous defense position. "You love being in love, you believe in romance and magic. You want to get married and have babies; you have dreamed and planned each event since forever." She emphasized every 'you' with a serious tone. I let out a frustrated sigh. She was as stubborn as I was. This conversation was either going to end in tears or tantrums, most likely both if one of us didn't back down.
The silence dragged out, so I peeked out between my fingers. She was sitting there taking another drag of her cigarette and throwing the pebble she'd been bouncing in her hand, over the railing.
"Bella just tell me so I can understand where this came from." Her tone had changed; the caring older sister by 27 minutes was now ready to listen.
I threw my hands down to my side making a loud thud noise. "Mike was just not right for me, we were too different and I just couldn't picture him when I looked into the future". I was frustrated that this conversation was happening so early into my stay. I was hoping she would save it for when I at least had some alcohol in me. I knew I should have fired up the blender and taken out Margarita Mix when we'd walked in the door.
"Yes but then why didn't you see this earlier? Why end it when you did?" She breathed out a gush of air and I tell by her tone she was angry, the even tone letting me know how much emotion she was holding back.
"I wanted to see Mike there in my future. I was hoping it would get to that point and I tried Rose, It would have made life easier. I tried to make it work. For five years I tried!"
"Did you even love him?" She tapped her cigarette into one of the dead plant holders, the red end glowing in the dark.
Did I? Do you do what I did to someone you are meant to love? I did love Mike it was just not the right kind. "Yes I did but it was not enough. I loved him three-fourths of the way Rose and no one deserves to be loved only eighty percent."
"You let him down Bella. You let everyone down." She let out her own sigh. There it was. The disappointment I knew she felt for me. Like everyone in our family felt for me. I was used to it though. This latest development did nothing but add to what I already knew about myself.
"Rose let it go, have we not talked about this enough?" How do I make her see, I let them down a long time ago and I never recovered. I tried hard. Every new disappointment just trickled down into the space where my heart once was.
Mike and Jake were both a perfect fit for our family. Jake talked work with our dad or anything else he was rambling about. Our parents loved him. Mike had the same hobbies as our brother, sports, fishing and cars. They got along great, they even became close friends and he stood as his best man at our brother's wedding. They both became close to our mum. She loved them like they were one of her own and at times; I swear she would have preferred either of them as a son instead of me as her daughter. In the whole time I have known Jake, mum has always made the comment 'I just wish one of my daughters would marry him so I can legally call him my own' and by one she meant me. Then when Mike came along her dream was for both of those boys to marry her daughters, myself and Mike and Rosalie and Jake. A piece of her heart broke off when she realized that her dream would never become a reality. They were both, well I assume still are charming, funny, endearing and gentleman and I was comfortable. And I wasn't sure Jake and Rose were even a possibility. I think my mom just liked to dream.
Rose threw the cigarette over the balcony wall and returned to her previous position on the bean bag and began to put a clear coat on her toes. Please let this stop in conversation mean the subject was dropped. I wasn't tired before but all this talking in circles had driven me there. All my limbs felt heavy as if all the memories and defensive maneuvers I'd made had sucked the energy out of me.
This was my time to escape where the conversation was going; I stood up and started to walk to her bedroom. "I'm going to have a shower." Please let Rose just go back to her nails. Let her drop this so our weekend can continue incident free. I was halfway across the room, a few feet from her bedroom door when I heard her voice.
"But Mike asked you to marry him." I grabbed onto the table outside of her bedroom door, it felt like I was going to snap the corner off. It was just above a whisper, she knew I heard her say it and we both knew it was a low blow; I felt it right in the pit of my stomach. Once I steadied myself I walked through her bedroom and into the ensuite. That was the exact part of our chat that was not up for discussion.