REBIRTH

Chapter one:

Hana was staring at me, still in her beautiful wedding dress, still wearing her hair pinned back, with a crown of tiny, plastic flowers resting on her head. Still wearing mascara and foundation, pale lipstick on her thick, voluminous lips, still resembling an angel.

But it was as if that angel was torn from the sky.

The dress was dirty and scratched on the bottom. Her hair was all messy and frizzed, though it managed to keep the crown and the pins. Mascara was running down her cheeks.

But none of those things were what got to me. A dark red, almost black spot was increasingly growing on the white cloth, just were her beating heart was. Her eyes showed pure fear. Fear and accusation. She was mumbling something, threatening me with the gaze, and as i tried to reach her, i realized where she was standing. But it was already too late.

The mayor's house blew up fiercely, as though it contained anger and hatred for too long, and finally let go. It happened in slow motion, though. I tried to grab Hanas hand, to get her out of there. She was standing on the porch. But as i was about to, Fred took her from the waist, dragged her inside, and only then, the great, massive and beautiful mansion gave away. I thought i heard someone screaming.

"Lena" A sudden shake on my shoulders was what managed to wake me up. I only realized after some minutes of taking long, profound breaths, that i was the one screaming. I could feel it in my sore throat.

"What happened? Is everyone okay?" I asked. My mother looked at me with a sad smile i didn't understand, and gave me a look almost pitiful, as if i was a hurt puppy, which made my guts twist a little. It's frustrating to suddenly be so taken care of, when most of my life, when i most needed it, i wasn't.

"You were dreaming again" My mom says. I scrub my eyes, trying to shake off the fog of a bad sleep, only to bring with it an acute headache, right above my left eye. I close my eyes exaggeratedly, and realize it has been a long while since i have drank some water.

"I'm going to get some air" I tell her. Suddenly the tent seems pretty claustrophobic. I start to open the fabric to let my self out, when i turn around to give a final look at Bee. "Oh, and mom," i say "thank you". And i go out.

Outside, the moon is bigger than usual. It gives away a bright, white light, as if it came from its own and wasn't just a reflexion of the sun. Starts are filling the sky, resembling those little familiar freckles on Hana's face when she over-exposes herself to the sun on a summer afternoon.

Hana.

The dream comes suddenly, rushing back, worsening my headache; Hanas terrifying, accusing look. Fred capturing her as if she was a mouse, taken by the claws of a horrific cat. The mansion blowing up in million little pieces of freedom, and at the same time, of tragedy.

The fact is, dream Hana is right. I am guilty.

After all, we are the ones who put the bomb in there, knowing a family may be alive inside. We are the ones who took other peoples lives, even though it's our enemies. We are the ones who claim peace, but at the same time, spread hate.

It's not like i changed my mind. I'm still commited to the cause. I still think we should be let the option to choose, to love, to be free. I still believe we are the good side. But... are we? Are we still the good side if innocent people die in our hands? Are we still the good side if we are the ones who attack? Is there a good side at all? Can there really be mice and cats in a war?

The truth is, i already know my answer. I do know we are not the good side. Because in a war, such things do not exist. There are no mice and cats. We are all cats. And problem is; in a war, the strongest cat is the one who wins. And it's not always so obvious which cat that is.

We could lose anytime.

Thoughts keep ringing through my painful head, as i recognize one thing; all this doubt, all this anxiety, is only striking because i don't really know what happened to my ex-best friend. For all i know, she could have never gotten out. For all i know, the guards know she helped me, and managed to take her down themselves. For all i know, Hana is dead. Truth is, i don't know. And if there's something worse than bad news, is not having news at all.

I lift up my head to try to keep my nerves. I do this everytime i am upset; i look at the stars. I adquired this mechanism since the night Alex told me those bittersweet words; "there's a star for everything i love about you". Now i try to stare and look for those thing too; everything i love about me, or everything that i should.

Just like that, as if the stars had given their answer, a hand touches my arm gently, and there he is. Alex.

"Are you okay?" He asks. Time could have torn us apart, separate us as if we have never met, like to parallel lines that will never cross one another. But there he is, knowing me more than i know myself, noticing every time i show any sign of preoccupation. If only he knew, not even all of the stars and constellations in the universe could even start to resemble how much i love him.

"Just tired" I lie, even though i lay my head upon his shoulder, loving how we fit perfectly, like two pieces of an old, long lost puzzle that finally got to start to arrange itself.

Ever since the big riot, Portland has been nothing but hell. Not for us, though. For us it was just a strange view, like a horror or melodramatic movie we didn't pay to see. At least, not with money. Pieces of the wall are still turning to dust after two weeks. Children play around it, hitting it with branches of trees, still tearing it apart. So insignificant, so simple, as if it never meant nothing but a pile of cement. As if it wasn't what costed the war in the first place.

You could no longer identify people. Their ideals, i mean. Everyone was starting to get skinnier and dirtier. Anyone walking around here could be a part of the resistance, or an invalid, or just some citizen who lost his way, who had to start to build its future again. You could see people crying, grabbing one another. You could see mothers cleaning up their children. People kissing, hugging. Boys and girls holding hands. It was actually surprising how many people were longing to do that, but couldn't until now.

I turn my head to Alex, to look at his hazel eyes, so sweet and delicious i could almost taste them. I stare at them, i don't know how long, and only then i get it; i was looking in the wrong places. Nothing in this world could ever measure the deliria he causes me. Not a billion stars, not zillion of constellations. Nothing but his eyes. It's like the universe is trapped somewhere in them, screaming to explode, to set itself free. It's like if my eyes and his had a secret language, a secret code nobody, not even us, could decipher. I get it now; there's nothing to understand about love, there's nothing to discover. It is just there, to feel it, and the only thing you can do, is give yourself in to it.

Suddenly all the anxiety, all that crushing feeling in my chest, all that uncertainty, fades away. I cannot ever be upset with him by my side, i will not ever be upset. Because i know that sometimes, it's okay to not know your path. Sometimes you just have to keep moving, and hope your feet will take you were you belong. Sometimes you just have to hope. And until now, it has worked for me. Because i know that right now, with the love of my life standing next to me, staring at all the thing we love about me, there's no place i'd rather be.

I let a tiny, almost unperceptive, smile spread my mouth.