Anniversary
Disclaimer: I don't own SeaQuest, the characters don't belong to me. I don't own 'Cry if you want to' by Holly Cole either. Song lyrics are in italics. I'm not making any money. This is just for fun.
It had been a year ago, today. Three months since he arrived on SeaQuest, six since he had been told he was going, and one year since he had tried to kill himself. He absently turned the prescription bottle in his hands, seeking answers in the rattling of the pills that were intentionally identical to the ones he swallowed a year ago. Today was the day, the final day of his deadline. Last year at this time -- after making the rash decision to swallow a whole bottle of his mother's barely legal pain pills and waking up in the hospital just in time to get his stomach pumped -- he had promised himself that if he wasn't happier in a year he would re- evaluate his options. It never occurred to him that he would be sitting in a submarine with no way out, trying to decide if his life was less agonizing than it was last year. He had told himself a few times over the past year that he had duplicated the prescription bottle and pills as a reminder that he had come too damn close to the end and he was never doing it again. That was a lie, not even one he could really believe. Somehow, today was going to be a turning point in his life, but which way to turn?
Those had been his thoughts early this morning and he had performed his duties all day without anyone noticing anything amiss, but now everything was closing in on him and he couldn't escape. There was nowhere to go and nothing he could do to stop this pain. His memories of that day, last year, were so clear and so vivid. He would have done anything to get away – anything. No one would let him go; he had been so trapped. With no clear way out, he had taken the only option left to him – suicide. The ironic thing was that even that turned out to be no escape. He had been found out and "saved", then shipped back to Hell.
Everyone thought that little Lucas was just a head case genius who couldn't take the pressure, but that wasn't his problem. Pressure, gods, they didn't know what real pressure was. Sure the pressure had something to do with his little breakdown, but it wasn't what people thought. They thought that school or some project had finally broken him, but it was the anxiety of keeping secrets that was tearing him apart. No one ever believed him when he tried to explain; or they were too dense to pick up on the subtle hints he gave out. He was alone and had to take care of himself. It all became too much and one day he just snapped. The mood seized him; and instead of shaking it off, he fell into the seductive song of oblivion. Darkness unending, where nobody could hurt him, ridicule him, or cause him any more pain. The instant after he had swallowed the pills, he had worried about their strength and if someone would find him. Part of the attempt was a cry for help, but he genuinely didn't care if he lived or died. In the end, it had almost been enough. However, as luck would have it, his mother had found him and taken him to the hospital. His parents couldn't have their son committing suicide, after all, it would reflect badly on them.
It was at the hospital that he developed the courage to threaten them. He promised to expose their abuse in great detail to the press and anyone else who would listen. After much debate, and a few panic attacks on his part, it was decided that SeaQuest was the best place for him. His father had to pull some major favors to get Lucas on board, but it was finally worked out to everyone's satisfaction. The SeaQuest had been a Godsend and even the nightmares had died down after a few weeks on board. A normal life was developing here for the young man and he was actually enjoying himself, at least until today.
This particular anniversary was hitting him really hard. It stirred up all his old memories and so much pain. He was afraid that the crew could just look at him and know that he was falling apart. He waited in fear and anticipation for someone to figure everything out. He wondered if Nathan had a clue as to what was going on, probably not. Lucas was very good at hiding his feelings and acting nonchalantly. He didn't really consider suicide an option anymore, besides he liked SeaQuest. He didn't want to leave, but was secretly afraid that he would be put off the boat if anyone found out that he had been suicidal. It didn't say a lot for his ability to cope with stress that he had tried to kill himself when the going got tough. Of course, his greatest fear was Nathan's reaction. The Captain would be so disappointed if he found out that Lucas had tried to take the easy way out of his life.
Setting the bottle on his desk, he lay back on his bunk and listened to the radio. The was a break in the music and the announcer spoke; "This is for a young man out to sea, from a friend who knows how hard today is for you. Hang in there, Lucas. This is Cry if You Want To by Holly Cole." As the words drifted through his cabin, Lucas gave in to his pent-up feelings and quietly sobbed out his pain.
I know, I know, I know. / Cry if you want to, I won't tell you not to. / I won't try to cheer you up, / I'll just be here if you want me.
God, it had been awhile since he had heard this song. The last time was a few weeks after he was out of the hospital. Katherine, his one and only friend, had invited him over to her house and played it for him.
It's no use in keeping a stiff upper lip. / You can weep, you can sleep, you can loosen your grip. / You can frown; you can drown, and go down with the ship. / You can cry if you want to. / Don't ever apologize venting your pain. / It's something to me you don't need to explain. / I don't need to know why, I don't think you're insane. / You can cry if you want to. / The windows are closed; the neighbors aren't home. / If it's better with me than to do it alone, / I'll draw all the curtains and unplug the phone. / You can cry if you want to.
She had done that for him; stayed and heard every last word of his story. She had listened without judging, without telling him that he was wrong or crazy. Katherine would probably never know how much that afternoon had meant to him. The warmth and care she had shown him bolstered his spirits more than anything else did.
You can stare at the ceiling and tear at your hair, / Swallow your feelings and stagger and swear. / You can show things, and throw things, and I wouldn't care. / You can cry if you want to.
That afternoon he was so tired of pretending that everything was all right. She let him shout and throw pillows and let his anger out; he had never felt that kind of release.
I won't make fun of you; I won't tell anyone. / I won't analyze what you do or you should've done. / I won't advise you to go and have fun. / You can cry if you want to.
No, she never made fun of him and never mentioned that afternoon to anyone. As far as he knew, they were still the only two people who knew how bad he had lost it. Go and have fun; that was his parents answer for every problem. Lucas was a genius, how hard could it be to find something to occupy his time? God, they just didn't get it. Maybe things could've been different, but his parents were too busy living their own fantasies to worry about his dreams. Not that it mattered; his father had pretty much beaten his dreams to death long ago, few hopes could stand up to constant torture.
Well it's empty and ugly and terribly sad. / I can't feel what you feel, but I know it feels bad. / I know that it's real and it makes you so mad. / You could cry.
She believed him. That was the most important gift she ever gave him -- her belief. His pain was real, but nobody had ever acknowledged it. They pretended it was all in his head; that his strong imagination controlled the outrageous stories he told. Basically, they said he lied or exaggerated to get attention. If only they knew the truth, they wouldn't have been so blasé about his pain. Katherine was the first person to believe in him. It was a nice feeling to be trusted. Katherine was, for a long time, the only person he truly cared about. She helped him in so many ways. Funny, now that he thought about it, she started off as just another teacher who was saddled with the troubled boy genius. He didn't expect to trust her, didn't expect to earn her trust in return, and certainly didn't expect her to be on his side throughout his troubles. She pushed him as much as he pushed her, and they wound up with a mutual respect that turned into the strongest friendship he had ever experienced.
Cry if you want to, I won't tell you not to. / I won't try to cheer you up. / I'll just be here if you want me to be near you.
The last notes of the song faded and Lucas reluctantly came back to the present. With a sad smile, he placed the pill bottle back into the far reaches of his closet and listened as the DJ concluded the dedication. "Once again, that was Holly Cole and Cry If You Want To for Lucas, from Katherine who says to call and let her know you're okay. So, if you're listening, you really should give the lady a call it sounds like she cares." Yeah, maybe he'd look up her number. It would be nice to talk to her again.