Title: 5 Times Dean Winchester Dies
Chapter: 1/1
Rating: M
Pairing: Gen
Warning: Drama. Some abuse. Bad Language. A hint of violence.
Summary:: And one time he doesn't.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
The first time Dean Winchester dies, it feels like someone ran over his feelings with the Impala.
He sees them arguing, hashing it out like demon and hunter. Only Dean's not really sure who the hunter or who the demon is.
They yell. Dad screams. Sam rants. But really? It's like watching two insane people yelling at a brick wall.
Dean wants to get in the middle of it; wants to slug Sam and maybe give Dad a piece of his mind about youth respect. But he just stands there, watches with his fists clenched, fighting his own inner battle. Sam…Or Dad? Despite this argument not being about him, it feels like they're giving him an ultimatum; he can side with Sam, his brother, the only person who he's ever felt might just be able to see the real him, or he can side with Dad, the only person who can help him.
But that's just it. Dad can't really help him. Not really, even if he wanted – or tried- to. He's too caught up in his own crusade to avenge Mom to even bother thinking of helping Dean fight his own demons.
And Sammy…Sam doesn't really know Dean all that well either. Dean's just an idyllic older brother; the guy Sam can trust, depend on to give up the last of the hot water or fetch his blankie because he left it in Dad's truck and isn't allowed to get in there by himself or to give Sam the last bits of Lucky Charms. And yea, that's a shitty feeling, of knowing you don't really have anyone, that you can't really have anyone, but hey, that's his life. These are his shitty feelings.
They duke it out for 47 minutes. Dean knows because he looks at the cracked digital clock above the broken TV every five minutes. By minute 50, Dean's ready to just storm outside and drive for a while, let the two suffer through this themselves. But then he sees Sam grabbing his duffel, shoving clothes in like it's another one of their emergency flight practice Dad makes them do, hears Dad shouting about what the fuck he thinks he's doing. He sees Sam storm past Dean, pushing past him to get to the door and Dean's too stunned to do anything but move aside. Sam turns around then, with his hand on the door handle, says some pansy-assed words about goodbye, looks hard at Dean who's standing there in shock, and leaves.
Dean takes a few minutes to process what just happened, but then he turns to Dad who's now moving around collecting guns and cleaning up the salt, things he does when they're about to head out. He tells Dad that he's gonna go get Sammy 'cause the idiot-
"No Dean, leave the kid be. If he wants to go off and live the 'normal' life, fine. Now come on, we have to be in Easton by sundown."
Dean doesn't know why, but he has a feeling this isn't like the last time when Sam made it all the way to the bus station before chickening out and coming back to the dingy motel room (before Dad even came back from the hunt and found out). For some reason, he knows this time Sam's serious and something, something inside Dean just…Snaps. It feels like Sam stole all his feelings, his emotions, and threw them out a bus window to be run over by the shitty cars on the freeway.
He doesn't go after Sam.
*
Dean drives to Stanford once. Only one time in two years.
He goes there to try to talk some sense into Sam. Dad's not with Dean anymore, or more Dean's not with Dad, and the hunts get lonely now. Sure he's only completed about 24 in the past year, but that's a lot considering it was always his researching skills that got the Winchesters kicked out of the library and his Latin that wavered. But then again, it was always his precise aim, accurate shot, and strong, quick, effortless blows that killed off the evil they were hunting.
Either way, he goes there now, riding in the Impala Dad gave him when he decided Dean was ready to hunt on his own, looking for Sam. It's finally almost two hours later when he spots him coming out of the…library. Figures.
He gets out of the car, all posed to walk across the courtyard and get up to Sam and ask and maybe grovel a little for Sam to ditch the college life and join Dean on the road. But then some blonde chick walks up to his brother, wraps her arms around him, standing on her tip toes because of the massive height difference, and pulls his face down to give him one of this shitty, sloppy kisses that maybe look great in the movies but feel like someone's trying to drown you in their spit when it actually happens to you in real life. And then Sam pulls away, and fucking smiles the smile, the one with the dimples and the shit-eating-happy-faced-grin, the one Dean hasn't seen in more than two years, the one Sam had saved only for Dean their whole lives.
Something inside Dean breaks; like his already fragile heart which he surrounded with glass walls to keep the hurt away was just plucked out and smashed against the dirty asphalt.
Dean turns around and walks back to the Impala, careful not to step on any of the broken shards lying around.
*
When Dean's soul dies, it's not quite as poetic as it may sound.
He gets fucking electrocuted. Yea, that's noble.
Of course, Sam tries to save Dean, takes him to some conman faith healer. And huh, turns out the guy's a real-deal.
Except for the whole reaper thing.
And yea, Dean gets saved, doesn't end up dying at least. But that's also at the price of someone else's life, not to mention someone else who deserved to take someone else's life more than Dean did. But that doesn't really matter. Ultimately, it's Dean's soul that's saved.
But the reaper that manages to get that close to Dean? He shows him what it's like to have your soul sucked out of you, to have it pulled literally out by figurative strings through your very life's essence.
That feeling sucked for Dean, pun intended.
*
Dean's body almost dies, and by now, Dean's thinking 'Come on God, just get it over with already'. Whatever higher power is up there really seems to have it in for Dean.
*
And then Dean loses his mind, sort of. Gets it mojo-ed by some freaky djinn.
And the sad part is, Dean gets 'saved' once again by Sam, but almost wishes his brain would re-die just to live that fantasy again.
*
Dean feels the sharp claws pierce his arms, his legs, tear at his chest. He feels the pointed and vicious canines dig into his body, bloodying it up and attacking it like a feast.
He screams for Sam, because of all the times Dean's ever felt pain, felt close to dying, it's always been Sam who'd saved him.
But the irony of it is, is that the onetime Dean wants it, to be saved, stopped from reaching death, Sam's not there. Sam's not there to pull Dean back.
All the other times, Sam saves Dean but at the same time, irrevocably kills Dean a little bit himself. But this time, Sam's not there.
Dean keeps screaming, his own screams drowning out his thoughts. It's not like in the movies though, either. There's no white light in front of him. His life's not flashing before his eyes. There's no settling feeling of contentment.
Dean feels himself beginning to pass out and knows this time he won't be coming back. But with that thought, that Dean won't be coming back, that this time he really does get to die, he feels warmth. He may be dying physically, but now there's no chance for Sam to 'save' him and then kill Dean himself.
Dean closes his eyes.
*