Trigger warning: Cutting, suicide, character death. You've been warned!
Dave always dreamed of Kurt.
They always started out really nice. There were endless plains of grass, twilight night skies, the smell of lavender in the air, a cool breeze, the sound of water trickling in the distance. But it was always quiet. Like there was no one else that existed in this universe but Kurt and Dave.
It was the kind of world that Dave could live in forever.
No one was watching him, waiting for him to slip up in his closeted identity and expose himself to the world as he really was. No one was judging him. There was no McKinley. No students or teachers. No lockers. No slushies. No reason to shove Kurt, no reason to push Kurt away, no Kurt's boyfriend in the way.
It was just Dave and Kurt.
Dave would fall asleep, and wake up in the grass, lying on his back with his hands behind his head, legs bent at the knee. All of the troubles of the world were gone from him, and he felt lighter. He didn't have to hide here.
Then Kurt would show up.
The way he walked made it seem like he was floating towards Dave. He walked over silently, until Dave noticed him out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to see. Kurt would smile at him.
"Hey."
His voice was always warm, gentle.
Dave couldn't help but smile back. "Hey."
Kurt moved closer, and knelt beside Dave, looking up at the stars. But the stars might as well have not even existed anymore to Dave. There was only Kurt.
Just Dave and Kurt.
Sometimes they would just stay like this, with Dave basking in Kurt's company and delighted to do that and nothing more.
Other times, Dave couldn't help himself.
Dave would lean up and kiss the side of Kurt's neck. He would wrap an arm around Kurt's tiny waist and pull him closer, and Kurt wouldn't pull away. Kurt wouldn't scream or cry or shove Dave away. Instead Kurt would snuggle up to Dave and tilt his head to give Dave better access to the soft skin on his neck.
Sometimes Dave was content with this, and he would wake up.
His clock would glare 7:00 at him and he would wipe the sleep from his eyes and get out of bed. After getting ready and eating breakfast, he headed to school. Before he even got out of his car, Dave would put shields up to protect himself. This wasn't a safe place. School wasn't safe for him. Being around his friends wasn't safe. Not with everything he was hiding inside of himself.
Sometimes Dave felt like he would burst.
Walking down the hallways, he felt like screaming "I'M GAY! THIS IS ME! THIS IS WHO I AM!"
He wanted to come out. Not doing so was killing him slowly inside. But he couldn't. Not when he knew the consequences. Sure, no one had bullied Kurt since the Bully Whips had been formed, but no one would stop Dave's friends on the football team from tormenting him until graduation. Maybe even after too.
The fact of the matter was that Dave could not come out. It wasn't safe for him.
This fact tore at him and ate him up inside. Especially when he rounded a corner and saw them.
Blaine and Kurt.
Somehow the hobbit had managed to get into McKinley at the beginning of the year, and neither of them had suffered any backlash for it. Sure, they hadn't exactly put up signs that they were dating or in love, but they didn't really need to. Not with the way they freely looked at each other, with such love and adoration in each other's eyes for the other. Not with the way they hovered around each other and unconsciously touched or caressed each other. Not with the way they smiled at each other like they were the only other people in the world.
At McKinley it was just Blaine and Kurt.
And Dave couldn't bring himself to do anything about it.
Not because of the Bully Whips, or the fact that Santana could out him at anytime. But because of the way that Kurt smiled at Blaine. The way Kurt looked at Blaine. They way he laughed around Blaine. The way he smiled around Blaine. It was like seeing the light.
Dave knew Kurt could never smile at him that way.
So Dave backed away, and held everything inside.
"You should stay here."
Dave blinked slowly, his eyes never leaving Kurt. They were lying in the grass again, Kurt's body melded against his, one of his hands on Dave's broad chest, and his other in Dave's hair, fingers stroking slowly.
"What do you mean?"
Kurt smiled that really beautiful smile that reached his eyes and made them crinkle slightly in the corners.
"Stay here. With me."
Dave smiled. He would love nothing more than to stay with this Kurt, here in their world. But that would mean leaving everything behind, wouldn't it? He would leave school, his friends, his mom and dad…
But Kurt was worth all of that, and more.
Kurt pressed his lips against Dave's, and both sighed in contentment.
The week was dragging.
It was barely Wednesday and Dave felt his feet dragging. His shoulders sagged. His eyelids drooped. He felt like if he sat down at a desk he would fall asleep and never get up again. It was all becoming so much. Too much.
He rounded the corner, and it felt like the last seconds ticking away on a bomb.
Kurt and Blaine were kissing.
It wasn't the sort of kiss that was leading anywhere. It wasn't a hot, passionate kiss. It wasn't a kiss that caused Kurt to gasp. It wasn't a kiss that caused Kurt to sweat and pant. It was just a kiss. A simple peck goodbye as they parted ways to class.
It was like kissing the world goodbye.
Dave drove home. He was going to miss his last two classes, but that didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.
His parents were at work, so he was home alone. Good. He dropped his backpack off and grabbed what he needed before getting back into his truck and driving far away from the house he was raised in. The house he would never see again.
The grassy plains were a real place. Sure, it was right off the freeway, but like it mattered. It was real. Dave's dreams were about to be real forever.
He parked the truck on the side of the road and walked up the small slope of the hill. It was the middle of the day, and the sun was high in the sky. Dave could hear the faint sound of traffic. It was the same place, but it didn't have the same effect.
But with the razor in Dave's hand, it would soon enough.
Dave kneeled down in the grass, then moved onto his back and looked up to the sky. The sun was bright. Lying out here, in the middle of the day, Dave felt exposed. He felt like everything that had been building up inside of him was all suddenly brought out of him by the sun's rays. The truth, the lies he told. Everything was being drained out of him just by being in the light.
Closing his eyes, he pressed the razor tight against his wrist and brought it down in a violently swift motion.
He didn't die a football player, or a bully. He was just Dave.
It was just Dave.
It was the night after the funeral. Kurt, his family, and Blaine had gone to show their respects to a young life lost. But afterwards, they had gone their separate ways. Blaine drove home after giving Kurt a kiss and telling him to call if he needed to talk. Kurt agreed, and gave Blaine a tight hug. "Don't ever leave me." He whispered.
Blaine smiled and hugged Kurt tightly.
"Never."
They kissed one final time before Blaine pulled away and drove off. Kurt went inside momentarily to tell his dad that he would be back later. Burt didn't press about where he was going, just told him to be back by ten.
That's how Kurt found himself in the grassy plain. Here at night the sky was beautiful. He could see all of the stars and could count them if he wanted to. There wasn't much traffic, so there wasn't much noise other than the soft breeze.
Kurt sat in the grass and wondered if this is what Dave saw before he died. It was a good place to die. It was beautiful. Kurt smiled humorously at the bleak thought.
Lying on his back, Kurt put his hands behind his head and watched the sky, for once not caring if his clothes got dirty. He was thankful for the support his family gave him. For the love they showed for him. For his friends and their support. For Blaine and his support.
"We could have helped you." Kurt said to the sky. Ever since that day that Kurt decided to transfer back to McKinley, he saw that he needed to help Dave. Dave was scared. He looked so helpless. "I could have helped you…I forgive you, and I'm sorry for not being there."
Kurt closed his eyes. He swore he could have felt a small tickle on his neck, and he couldn't help but smile.
It was just Kurt.
Suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel like this, please know that there are people out there who love you and care for you. If you're having problems, please seek help at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It gets better, I promise.