BETA READ by Ryan Avey
The lyrics used in this piece of fan-fiction, are from Fragility. I don't own anything; it belongs to Lili Grace.
Should I feel this deep inside
And should you keep this life
And should I expect a little more
Dr. Brennan felt the hot, streaming water upon her, crashing down from the shower head onto her head and running down her skin as she stepped into the clean shower cabin. She allowed the water to do just that for a few instants, before reaching out to take her customary shampoo, opening its cap and squeezing some content into her other hand before closing the cap again, putting the bottle of shampoo back into place in the shower rack and rubbing the liquid into her now wet brown hair. She sighed, and stepped back letting the water rinse away the soap from her head.
She could not help her thoughts from drifting off as she did so. Booth, it drummed into her mind. Booth. He was slowly getting back to the old one, but ever since the brain surgery, something in him had changed. She couldn't really put her finger on it; she concluded as she reached out to take the conditioner, opened the cap, and squeezed some content in her free hand before closing the cap again, and putting the bottle back in place. As she reached up and started rubbing the liquid into her hair, she thought that maybe it was something deeper. Something so deep and emotionally complex that she, the all-time scientist could not grasp it. Booth, however… Deep inside, her stomach felt knotted together, and she didn't think it would ever get un-knotted again. She truly missed the old Booth, the… Even though he resembled the Booth she'd gotten to know more with each day again, he somehow no longer seemed like the same person anymore.
She wondered if she was supposed to feel it that clearly. Slowly, she reached out for the shower gel and started washing herself as she continued pondering… Was Booth still supposed to do this job; was he still qualified enough? Of course he is, a part of her said, but another part simply kept on wondering… Should she give him a little more credit? Should she hope and expect him to ever be the same again?
Should I describe my love in thousand words
And should I laugh with all your funny jokes
And should I expect a little more
Tempe calmly wrapped her bathrobes closer around herself, going into the living room, as she thought about how Booth had told her he loved her. It had been pretty awkward. All she'd wanted to do, was say 'I love you, too' in the same serious way he had, then feel his strong arms around her and lips upon hers, claiming them.
She sure was a very sexual human being, but Booth was her partner, and it felt wrong to use him just to tend to her needs. The thing they shared was deeper. And even though it sometimes scared her, she could not think about losing him, because it would mean losing her soul. Over the years, she felt like she'd poured her soul into him, and… She chuckled out aloud. There's no such thing as a soul, Dr. Brennan told herself. She'd worked with Booth way too long.
Booth. And her thoughts started swiveling around again. She loved him, too, but was afraid of commitment. She'd laughed it off, because she was scared of the consequences if she admitted it. She, Dr. Temperance Brennan, knew herself pretty well and had long known that she wouldn't have minded if their partnership would improve to a next level, but the consequences… She didn't think that if they did, they could still work together.
They solved crimes. There would always be the risk of emotions interfering with work, and making mistakes on the work floor. Gosh, Brennan! she shouted at herself. You're professional enough to not let them interfere. Maybe they already did. No, Brennan. You're a professional. You don't let yourself lead by something so unscientific and irrational as emotions. Maybe Booth wasn't, though.
She put her head in her hands, just as the microwave tinged. She sighed before getting up and walking into the kitchen on bare feet. She'd laughed it off. Should she have gathered all her guts, and told him her true feelings? Should she risk having misunderstood him and make herself ridiculous in front of her best friend? Well, Ange was…she was kind of her best friend, but they didn't have that particular connection that she and Booth had. She'd never experienced it with someone else.
Maybe he was still suffering under his surgery; maybe that's why he'd said it and maybe regretted it now, hoping that she'd forgotten about it. She hadn't, and it somehow kept playing inside her head. It would be perfectly normal as a reaction to the brain surgery, she concluded, slowly opening the microwave and taking out her cup of hot chocolate, before closing it again.
She wondered if treating him like before would help him get back to 'normal'. She tried to be the same to him as much as possible, but there was always something… Should she push it aside and continue pedantically to correct him, and laugh with his jokes, even though they never seemed as funny as before anymore?
Should she expect him to get back if she did just that?
Should I trust you like I used to
Should I love the sunny sides of you
Should I expect a little more
It was still early; too early to fall asleep, yet Temperance Brennan was lying in bed, staring into the darkness. Her thoughts seemed to connect to at least a handful more, setting her mind into motion and making her simply unable to stop thinking.
Maybe it would be good to stop hovering over Booth. He was a grown-up man. He could take care of himself. Tempe slowly closed her eyes and smiled to herself. How many times had he not taken care of her as well? He'd been her savior so many times.
Should she allow herself to? Should she allow herself to stop hovering? In a way she felt like she simply could not; why she didn't know. Maybe she thought it to be irresponsible? It was completely possible, and acceptable, if you made mistakes after such heavy surgery.
Again, Bones wondered if it had been a responsible choice of Booth to return to work that fast, and take his job back, without limitations. Of course, though, Bones chuckled to herself again. He'd think it to be weak to take desk duty, even if just for a while. He was actually such a guy guy. It was a typical guy thing to think like that.
Maybe she should just stop worrying, or at least try, and enjoy his presence? There would be no more crime solving team anymore with another partner anyways. She connected it with Booth, and the other way around. She felt pretty sure the same could go for him. It wouldn't feel right. Nor would it be to– Brennan!
Maybe she should just expect everything to fall back in place on itself? Could she?
Should I hope you'll stay with me all time
Should I believe you'll be forever mine
Should I expect a little more
When she finally fell into a deep, but disturbed sleep, Brennan's mind started creating images of her and Booth together. As a couple… as a married pair… pregnant… as parents… All images mingled together in a story that felt so wonderful, so possible… so true… Thus, when Tempe woke up around two in the morning, which could have been expected after going to bed approximately two hours before she usually did, she had a very hard time to realize all of it was a dream and turn back to the present.
She hardly remembered dreams at all, but this time it was still vivid as her eyes flickered open. She found herself sweaty and sticky, sheets all thrown off her glowing body. This wasn't a normal reaction to a dream. She quietly shook her head and realized she was wet in between her legs as well.
She swallowed, hand sliding down her body and into her sleeping pants and panties. It was not the first time that she did this. After all, masturbating was something very natural, especially in times like these. Masturbating happened with both sexes, and was absolutely not dirty. She shuddered at the thought of Catholics calling it something gravely disordered. It was one of the reasons why she could not commit herself to any religion but her own. There was always one aspect she seemed to disagree on, and it was completely against her own spirits to follow something she disagreed with. After all, masturbation was a great way of getting to know your own body.
It was bringing her closer to insanity each moment, it seemed. She loved him, but could she trust that he'd never leave, like her parents once had? Parents should not leave their children until they were fully capable to take care of themselves… even then.
She quietly stroked her lower abdomen. She'd do different. She'd be another kind of parent than hers had been. Now since Booth had been in hospital and everything, the thought of a baby had been pushed aside. That, of course, was normal, but… she still wanted it. And she still thought Booth's DNA to be the best she could get her hands on.
Alright Brennan, wrong way of phrasing… even in your head. And especially considering the act she was carrying out right now…
But I, I really do care
That I'm scared of feeling despair
And should I expect a little more
Tempe quietly sat herself upright, feet dangling from the end of the bed, a few inches from the neat wooden floor. She sighed deep. Brennan, you're such a coward, she said to herself. She was afraid of getting hurt again, therefore turned away from anything in which she could get emotionally so involved that the risk to get hurt was too high. What was considered to be a high risk, though?
She was such a coward. Maybe it was sometimes good to have a side of you that at times simply said 'Fuck it!'? Ange had it. And so had Booth... Booth…
And I, I hope you'll nest and stay
For one moment or for always
Should I expect a little more
She longed for it, and maybe she longed for it more than she allowed herself to think right at this point. At least she allowed that thought to cross her mind. It felt good to be into her partner's arms. To be comforted by him if she needed comfort. To have her tears dried by him. It would be …nice, to feel him close without particular reason, or blame it on the love.
Love, so irrational, and yet, she the scientist dreamed about it as well. Even more, she thought maybe she deserved some of it as well, but also knew that when a one-night-stand came to more, she returned back into herself and rather pushed everything away from her as much she possibly could than deal with it. It was ridiculous.
She wondered if it could be possible for Booth to always be there for her, even if – I'm just thinking purely hypothetical here, she thought to herself – they became more than friends?
Should she think anything like that to be possible? Did it exist; loving each other so much that you stay together until death literally tears you apart, like the wedding vows said?
But I say love, this beautiful art
Cannot think how it falls apart
But your existence is so magical
Dr. Brennan could not deny the jealousy she felt when she saw young couples skipping around like young, reckless calves in the grass fields. Unconcerned would be the right word. Love could be such a nice feeling, but it made you blind to the consequences of when it would all fall apart.
Of course, when you're still young, you think that he or she is going to be the man or woman of your life and do hardly think about how it'll be when you break up. When you get older, like Tempe, and had a couple of heartbreaks, you don't allow yourself to think that so easily anymore.
And the anthropologist was a bit special in that way. She'd been fifteen when her parents had left her, leaving her to travel from the one family to the other, but never truly finding a home again. Maybe it would have worked if she'd been younger. She didn't know.
What she did know was that not a bad boyfriend or two had broken her trust into love and loving in every kind of way, like it had happened with other girls, but her parents. Even if she understood the reason why, she couldn't… She chuckled weakly at the thought of boys looking at her back then as the nerd of the school, not wanting to have anything to do with her ever since Russ left. Up until then, she'd always been quite popular, because of being 'Russ Brennan's little sister'. He'd left her, too. First her parents, then Russ.
Thank goodness Booth had been there, back then; when the truth had all come to her, or rather when she'd chased it. She could not imagine to have gone through all of that alone. Of course, there was Ange, and the rest of the team, in a way, as well, but she'd needed him. She needed Booth's way of working to get the truth out of someone and protect her. That feeling felt so good; the feeling of Booth being there to protect her. And maybe she secretly hoped it to be forever present.
And did I say that you're my heart
An unforgettable start of
How you grow into my brain
Brennan sighed. She was standing outside on her balcony with her night robes wrapped tightly around herself into the cool Washington D.C. air. Her eyes slid over the many lights in the city; people still alive in the streets even though it was closer to the morning than evening.
She was in love with Booth, that much she knew. And she also knew that she was scared of it. The thought of him being with her forever was warm and soothing. Because she knew that he'd never leave her. She wondered if it would remain the same if she opened up to him about feeling the same. He loved her, too. Maybe it had been under the effects of brain surgery that he'd told her, but even if that had been the case… He loved her. She felt it. She knew it.
She knew that that was the reason why she could not get him out of her mind, too. Maybe she should just tell him. If he loved her as much as she thought he did, he'd understand, right? Brennan reasoned that the only rational reply to these thoughts would be to tell him. Only… did she dare?
And with your sensitive talk
To know how to turn me on
And your presence, please just stay
Dr. Brennan didn't like Christmas time, especially because it brought up so many memories that she rather pushed aside. She thought it was good to remember them in a way, so you wouldn't tumble in the same mistakes as well, though. She would have preferred to work during Christmas days, too. At least she could make herself productive then, instead of sitting home alone while Ange and Hodgins were celebrating together. Brennan assumed that soon enough they'd be a couple again. They simply loved each other too much, and were physically attracted to one another as well. They'd celebrate Christmas and New Years together, like Michelle and Cam… And Parker and Booth.
He'd told her that he was having his son for Christmas this year. Rebecca was going to ski with her new boyfriend and his family for the holidays. She sighed again, walking through the glass doors of the Jeffersonian Institute. She'd be alone.
And then I left you all my life
And keep this dream alive
Your face forever in my mind
Christmas 1991 had been quite drastic for her. Brennan had never thought the same about the holidays ever again. She'd tried hard to keep the memories of Christmas with family alive even after her parents, and then Russ, had hadn't been anything more than a dream, though. After years of travelling from the one family to the other, she could not quite tear dream and reality apart anymore. Deep inside she knew what was true and what not, but ever since that particular Christmas at her fifteen years of age…
If she looked back on it now – she still had a few good memories of how holidays used to be in the Brennan/Keenan family – it all seemed so irrational. Like a dream, almost. It seemed like a pure illusion right now. She'd seen so much different things now, experienced them.
How it used to be up until her fifteenth year of life, looked like a ridiculous dream out of a fairytale considering what she'd seen afterwards. One thing, however, would always remain clear. These were the faces of her parents. It might have been so long, but she could still describe her parents' faces of how the two of them had looked like back then out of the top of her head; in detail if necessary, too.
She again looked down at her abdomen and sighed, remembering what Booth had said before the surgery. That he couldn't do it if he couldn't be involved in the child's life. That he wanted to be a dad. Brennan still longed for a child; maybe even more than before. The subject simply hadn't come to the surface anymore since the surgery. Everyone's main focus now only seemed to be to get Booth back to the old one as soon as possible.
Even though there had been a brain tumor inside his head for who knows how long, Booth was no dumb ass. Sure, he didn't have university degrees like she did, and obviously didn't speak Latin or much else next to English and a few words of Japanese due to his friend there, but he had his intelligence in other aspects, she thought. She'd never consider him to be unintelligent, even though his IQ might be reasonably lower than hers. Most everyone's was in comparison with hers anyway, she reasoned.
Booth was a father already. She might be a scientist – and a damn good one if she could add in herself – and she might have knowledge about babies out of books, he'd always understand better what a child needed. Many single moms managed just fine, even single dads did, but she realized how much she'd longed for her parents to be there, even still at the age of fifteen. And then it dawned upon her, the size of her mistake.
If she wanted to give her child the best, she should provide a stable family in which he or she could grow up. Booth wanted to be involved, hadn't he said so before their rush to the hospital? They loved each other dearly. Shouldn't she at least try voice her feelings properly… for the sake of her – their? – future son or daughter?
Maybe it wasn't the right time to start about it, but it had cost Dr. Temperance Brennan a lot of sleepless nights already. She wanted it out of her system. She wanted to scream it out. She just hoped she hadn't mistaken Booth's signals or words. After all, interpreting emotions was not her strongest side…
She didn't believe in superstition, yet crossed her feminine fingers briefly before she got up, clasping her laptop closed and walking over towards the peg to gather her coat. Strangely enough, it made her feel just a tiny bit more self-confident.
She knew she was still early as she walked through the lifeless, empty Jeffersonian Institute. She'd done what she always did when she could not sleep and had driven to the museum two hours before the start of her shift to work and try to make herself productive.
She looked at the huge clock above her head as she walked out of the lab again. Soon enough, the employees would drop in – the more motivated first, of course. It was approximately half an hour before shift would start. That gave her plenty of time to find Sweets before going to Booth.
She still considered Psychology to be a 'soft' science, but also remembered how he'd managed to get the right girl out of the whole crowd in the case with the nail gun. He had always supported them admitting their feelings towards one another. He'd give her good advice… she hoped.
Because our love is just the same
You blow my
Fragility away
And we love in the right way
You blow my
Fragility away
Brennan felt nervous as she walked up to the FBI building. She'd parked her car on the visitor's area. Sweets had basically jumped into the air when she'd told him about what she thought to be a wise thing to do. He'd offered to go with, but she'd said only his advice would satisfy.
She liked Sweets, really she did, but it felt like she didn't want anyone intruding on the conversation she was about to have with Booth. She didn't want anyone else to laugh at her because of the poor attempts she was going to do to voice what she felt inside. Booth would understand.
He loved her, she knew, but she felt more insecure each step closer towards the main entrance hall, where the lift would bring her to the right floor and her feet to the right office. She'd walked this way so many times, that her feet seemed to remember without coordination from her brain. She, of course, knew that this wasn't possible, but… it still felt like it.
With Booth present, she felt so much stronger. He always seemed to provide her such a special, soothing feeling that no one else could. He seemed to blow all her insecurities away with just his presence. Maybe she should tell him just that?
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth, like it was written onto the door, seemed not present yet. Brennan knew that the first thing he did in the mornings was go past his office, thus she went inside the office and sat herself down behind his desk, looking around her and her eyes came to rest upon a picture upon the desk, showing Booth with Parker in the park.
She wondered, if he would do that with their child, too. All guts she'd gathered, and Sweets had so much tried to talk into her, sank down when she suddenly heard that familiar voice…
"Hey Bones, what are you doing here?" Brennan sighed, trying to gather back as much strength as possible. She was going to need it.
Even though she'd hated that nickname so much, it did something to her whenever Booth pronounced it. Something special. Something that she assumed would always feel the same, no matter what. She'd gotten used to it now. She'd even gotten to like it. Like it had been with Booth himself.
Our love is just the same
You blow my
Fragility away
And we love in the right way
You blow my
Fragility away
Fragility away
Sweets had given her the advice to do this in a somewhat more private environment, but she hadn't listened and now regretted that deeply. Maybe she would have felt just a tiny bit more secure at home, or at least in her own office? She was here right now, though… and she knew that if she fled at this point, the conversation she'd planned and needed to have with Booth, would never come.
"Booth… There's- There's something I'd like to talk to you about, and it's kind of… private. It's kind of… important." Seeley Booth frowned upon her at this, and then she suddenly seemed to realize that she was in his chair and hopped up. "I'm sorry… It's just… You weren't here yet, and…"
"Bones, it's alright," Booth said, waving his hand briefly to make her sit down again as he slowly took the chair on the other side of his desk. It cracked when he sat down, and he thought he was lucky to never have to sit on this side, except now. The deep frown still creased his forehead, as he quietly said, worry accompanying his tone, "What's the matter? I don't think I have ever seen you this nervous."
Just the way of how he'd constructed that sentence, made Brennan bite down on her lower lip. He still didn't remember everything yet, and she wondered if he'd ever regain it all again. Maybe… Maybe he did and…
Bad idea, Temperance, the forensic anthropologist told herself. Her heart was basically throbbing in her throat, something which she knew was a clear sign of anxiety. All she wanted to do right now was run, but she had to do this… for herself. For him. Another deep sigh followed, making Booth's brow crinkle further.
Okay, Temperance, this is the moment of truth.