a/n: welcome to Max's anthology!
12 ABY
Coruscant
There was a time, long ago, when the Solo Household had not been filled with crying. Leia was sure of it. She couldn't remember it, but there had to have been a time - a blessed time - there just had to have been. Just like there had once been a time - hadn't there? - when she and Han had consistently slept through the night. And there'd been a time when the most daunting negotiations she faced were peace treaties, whereas now those things seemed like an easy day compared to the arguments that were involved in trying to get three-and-a-half year old Jaina Solo to get in the bath.
Leia thought of those times, vaguely, and sighed. She tried to draw on the peace that once had been to keep her inner calm, and she also reminded herself gently that she - she and Han both - desperately loved their children, and wouldn't trade them for the world. It was just that the last few weeks had been particularly murderous, which to an outsider might seem like a rather strong word, but to Leia seemed entirely mild and appropriate. Jaina was in the midst of one of her growth spurts, which Leia had figured out were somewhat easy to identify because they were also periods when her Force sensitivity heightened, and she became easy to frighten, anger, or upset. Every little thing set the poor kid off, and Leia tried to have patience with her - but Noura was giving her a hard time, too, at the moment, and that had her tearing her hair out.
Noura, who had been a hell of a pregnancy, turned out to be an impossibly sweet baby, as far as babies went. She was a remarkably good sleeper compared to Jaina and certainly, if Winter's stories had any truth, compared to Marisol Celchu. Since the beginning, Leia had felt that perhaps Noura had sensed that her mother needed to be dealt with gently, since Han had been deployed for six weeks after she was born. Leia had been starkly terrified of the task of working while also mothering two very small children by herself, though she'd kept that locked away on the inside. She had mostly been on maternity leave, but she'd also spent a lot more time working flexibly, and when she felt like it. She knew Han missed them enough already, and hated - absolutely hated - being away from his newborn. And of course, Leia hadn't really been alone. She'd had Yorev, Jaina's caretaker, and she'd had her father, and Rouge, and Chewbacca had stayed, and there had been Luke, and even Mara - no, she hadn't been alone, but there was still something harrowing and lonely about being mom without dad around, and Han was only away at work. She'd developed a deep, awed respect for people who took on single parenthood.
And Noura had been a good baby; she still was a good baby. She laughed often. She'd smiled much earlier than Jaina had. She liked to watch things and usually, as long as someone was holding her, she was content. She was, however, still an infant; Jaina's outbursts and moods affected her, and so did Leia's, and she seemed particularly sensitive to negative feelings. She often helped Leia to calm herself and exercise soothing control over her own emotions, because she was so conscious of how they might disturb Noura, but Noura seemed more able to sense Han than Jaina had been, and Han wasn't use to dampening his emotions like Leia did.
Every new thing was an adjustment. Having Han back, even, glorious as it was, had been an odd adjustment, because Leia had grown so use to her routine, and her habit of calling on outside help. She'd stopped asking her father and Rouge and all the others to come by or to hang around at all hours, but she'd found herself, in the midst of her gratitude and delight that Han was back, lashing out at him at inconceivable moments, constantly 'teaching' him how to handle Noura. She knew it hurt his feelings - he wasn't a novice, after all; he'd been Jaina's primary caretaker all her life - but he'd tried to be understanding, knowing as he did that Noura and Jaina were different babies with different personalities, and for now, Leia was the expert on Noura.
They had found their rhythm fairly quickly, though; little squabbles were par for the course, and neither of them really took them to heart. Leia had also found her physical recovery after her second child to be much easier, though that perhaps was a fluke. It certainly improved her ability to reconnect with Han as a woman; the difference between waiting the five months she'd waited after Jaina was born to have sex again, and the barely seven weeks she'd waited after Noura, was palpable. She didn't think she'd realized how difficult that had made getting used to motherhood until she experienced it a second time.
Han had been back for almost three months now, back in retired status, sleeping next to her, home with the children, and marveling over Noura's lovely sleep habits just like she did. At least he had been, until a couple of weeks ago when things had started to go kind of - haywire. There was the thing with Jaina, having a peak in her sensitivity - and Jaina was strong-willed and rambunctious anyway - and it seemed Noura was either feeding off Jaina, or having some small leap of her own. Of course it had all kicked off around the time Leia had come down with a nasty sinus infection that left her dosed with antibiotics, home sick from work for a week and a half, and struggling to keep up her ability to nurse, which was unexpectedly heartbreaking - and things really hadn't died down since.
She was still trying to regain her comfort level and talent with nursing, desperately trying to get herself back to a standard where she didn't have to supplement with formula, even though that certainly made it easier for Han to help her. She'd taken less maternity leave this time because she remembered how listless she'd begun to feel when she was out so long with Jaina, so nursing was her cherished bonding time. Noura was little and peaceful enough for her to take to work often, which helped, but the sinus infection had set her back.
"Noura," Leia murmured tiredly, curled up in bed with the baby. She stroked her little forehead, trying to soothe the fussing. "Just eat," she coaxed, keeping her voice level. "Nurse, baby," she encouraged.
The sheets were a mess and she had her robe pushed down, laying on her side and cuddling Noura close to her to try and get her to nurse. It was usually Noura's favorite way to nurse, snuggled up in the crook of Leia's arm while they laid down. It made her miraculously easy to feed at night and tuck right back into the bassinet without really waking up, a blessing Leia was constantly grateful for, even if she was itching to get Noura out of their bedroom and into her own nursery.
There were some things that were easier to get a move on with when it came to the second child, and having her adult space back was one of them.
Noura tossed her head and fussed, her face red. She wasn't crying loudly, but had been whimpering and whining for the better part of two hours now, and Leia had been going through ways to try to convince her to nurse for at least one of those. Noura usually didn't put up this much of a fight, but lately she'd preferred a bottle from Han. Leia hated that, though it was nothing against Han. She was just a little offended on behalf of her nipples, and wanted to demand of the baby - what's wrong with mine? She was sore, too, and if Noura didn't get it together soon, she had half a mind to go downstairs, snatch up Jaina, and make her nurse - maybe that would fix whatever her problem was, since she had been having some sort of sith forsaken meltdown for the entire afternoon.
Han was downstairs dealing with her, which Leia kept having to remind herself when she grew frustrated and weepy and wanted to demand to know why he wasn't coming to help her with Noura. Oh, right, she'd think, because we have two babies, because we're idiots, and we thought this was a good idea. But that bitter grumbling was followed of course by the unconditional love she felt for them. Even when they were both being incomprehensible, screamy little monsters.
"Noura," Leia murmured patiently. "Noura, what's wrong?" she asked.
She picked the infant up and shifted onto her back, cuddling Noura against her chest. Gingerly, she shifted to her other side, putting Noura back down, and deciding to try the other breast. She'd learned babies could be choosy for no reason, sometimes.
"Nouuuurraaa," she sang, softening her voice to a lullaby.
She rubbed Noura's stomach gently, and coaxed the baby's head towards her breast, shushing her.
From downstairs, she heard Jaina screech:
"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO! YOU DO IT, DADDY!"
Leia blinked, shaking her head. Aggravation rose in her, and she had to tamp it down. Her first reaction was to wonder why the hell Han was letting Jaina talk to him like that, but she had to - again- control her knee-jerk reactions and remember: Han was usually the more patient one, and Jaina was a toddler. Leia sighed, and reached out with a flutter of her power, gently shutting the bedroom door to block out the sound. Noura let out a pitiful wail, and Leia sighed again. Occasionally, using the force around her babies agitated them - that is, if it was happening around them, and not directed at them to soothe them, or connect them to her.
Noura kicked her legs furiously, and Leia ran her hands over them, trying to tilt her head towards her breast again.
"Noura, it's not that hard," she bargained under her breath.
Noura morosely turned her head away, and Leia sighed, gently letting her fidget. She gave up for a moment, and reached out, stroking the little bundle of sensitivity that identified Noura as Force sensitive. She concentrated, trying to discern some little bit of what might be distressing the baby. Infants were so, so hard to read. Jaina had gotten easier as she developed a vocabulary and could start, even in a rudimentary way, to identify what she was feeling. Leia was much better at sorting Noura out precisely because she'd already been through it with Jaina, but it was still often a guessing game. Hungry, tired, hurt, or need to be changed were obvious signals even Han could identify, once Leia had pointed out the very slightly different ways of crying, but anything else...estimates, and gambling.
She seemed to sense...confusion, a vague sense of confusion. She had no idea what a four-month-old baby could be confused about, though. She gave Noura a mild glare, thinking if she just quieted down and ate, she might be less confused...but it was no use. Leia was close to reaching a breaking point; it might be time to switch kids. Have Han give Noura a bottle, and hand Jaina off to Leia - which would probably quickly put an end to any nonsense. Jaina was generally more snuggly towards Han, but she pushed his boundaries relentlessly. She rarely tested Leia.
Biting her lip, Leia rolled onto her back, and let Noura be for a moment. She stared up at the canopy of their bed, exhausted, her ears filled with Noura's mewling, tired cries, and the occasional shouting, feet-kicking, and loud, fake crying coming from downstairs. Jaina and those fake tears. They deserved an award, really, and Han, Han in his infinite blind spots where his firstborn was concerned, fell for them at least half the time.
Taking a deep breath, Leia sat up a little, and lifted Noura, taking her gently in her arms. Perhaps going back to try this position might be more comfortable. She elevated Noura's head and smiled at her brightly and warmly, and then she reached down and tickled her feet, adjusting her head and coaxing her again.
"Come on, come on," she murmured softly. "Noura," she sang, catching her breath when it felt like Noura was about to finally latch on - but alas, the baby tossed her head moodily and lurched away, refusing. Leia glared at her, exasperated. "You know, there are people in this house who would be happy to have these, if you don't want them," she growled, moody herself.
She meant Han, except Han had a maddening tendency to leave her breasts alone while she was nursing. He seemed to regard them as not in service for him, which she supposed some women might feel was very reverent and sweet, but it just pissed her off.
She pulled one shoulder of her robe up, scraping her bottom lip with her teeth, and shifted Noura to her shoulder, bouncing her. She closed her eyes, turning her head to inhale the powdery scent of Noura's hair, and fought back tears.
"Why won't you eat?" she whispered. "What's wrong, baby? What's wrong?" she pleaded.
The door burst open and Jaina came in, dragging a blanket behind her, her head thrown back dramatically, and wailing. Alarmed, Leia looked at her, eyes following as Jaina came around and grasped at the top of the mattress, trying to climb up on bed.
"Mommy," she howled, her voice hoarse. She then listed a jumble of complaints Leia couldn't understand, because she was mumbling, and ended with: "I want to go live with BABA!"
Han came in a moment later, a thunderous look on his face - pretty rare, where Jaina was concerned. He marched across the room. At his heels, Zozy was zooming around, stimulated by all the noise and activity. Jaina squawked at him and yanked some of the covers towards her, jostling Leia. Because of her sister's noise, or the jostling, or both, Noura started screaming at a new, heretofore undiscovered pitch.
Unable to stop herself, Leia turned a homicidal look on her husband.
"Han!" she shouted.
"Yeah, yeah, 'm sorry," he snapped, just about as irritated. He hastily kept his eyes down, darting around the bed to grab Jaina. "When did she learn to get upstairs that fast - Jaina," he said sternly, speaking loudly over her noise. "Mommy is tired and she's trying to feed No-ah," he said.
"I HATE NOR," screeched Jaina. "TAKE HER BACK."
Han tucked Jaina under his arm, looking harassed, and carted her out of the room, forgetting to shut the door. He set her down in the hall, and Zozy rocketed around the bedroom a few times before dashing out into the hall. Mere seconds later, Jaina let out an offended shout, and Han groaned.
"DADDY!" she howled. "Zozy knocked me down the STAIRS!"
"It was one step," Leia heard him muttering tightly. "C'mere..."
"Is she okay?" Leia called, unsure if she could be heard over the noise both their daughters were making. She should probably feel more concern, but more than anything she was irritated Jaina was being such a terror. Everyone had talked about how awful two-year-olds were, but no one had said anything about three-year-olds apparently losing their souls -
"She's fine," was Han's clipped reply, and then she heard him order: "Get up. Get up, Jaina Yva - hey! If you - bite me one more time, girl- "
Leia arched her brows, and nudged the door shut again. The biting, too, she and Han really needed to do something about the biting. Bail always told a story about Breha having one gentle talk with Leia, and Leia never biting again, but it always frustrated Leia because...she wasn't Breha. She was often not gentle when it came to discipline, though of course she never physically struck Jaina.
The sounds of Han and Jaina faded, and Leia looked idly back down at Noura, her eyes stinging. She tried humming softly, but she was too agitated. She settled for rocking Noura a little. She couldn't suggest they trade babies, now; she was in too short of a mood to deal with the sort of nonsense Jaina was up to. She tried not to yell in anger, and she didn't trust herself right now. Noura looked at her forlornly and whimpered, her brow creased. Leia sensed that same vague bit of confusion, and then, at least with some relief, because she knew what was wrong, identified clearly that Noura had a headache.
She pressed Noura against her shoulder.
"It will go away eventually, sweetheart," she murmured soothingly. Her brow furrowed. She likely had a headache from crying so much, so the headache probably wasn't the root of the afternoon's discomfort. Leia had her own headache after all this, and there was a dull ache in her abdomen, too, which ruffled her feathers and made her hot with rage - of course, it figured, that in the middle of a rough month, right after she'd kicked a sinus infection, she was going to start menstruating, because things couldn't get any -
Leia froze suddenly, and the world spun on her, all at once tipping upside down and coming to a screeching halt. She barely, just barely, avoided vomiting all over herself and the baby as about ten different things clicked into place: antibiotics, contraceptive shots, her increasing exhaustion, the heightened sensitivity of both Jaina and Noura - her mouth went dry, and she closed her eyes tightly; it really was taking an Olympian effort not to vomit.
One of her hands shook. Very carefully, she unfroze herself, and laid the baby down in the middle of the bed. She tethered Noura to her, imagining a thin silk cord drifting from her wrist to the baby's, tying them so neatly, and so intangibly, in the force that Leia would know if Noura moved a muscle - and she slipped into the 'fresher she shared with Han, leaving Noura safely in the center of the big bed, and shutting herself behind a door for a moment.
She sat down on the sani, and yanked the basket next to it up onto her lap, pawing through it for the small notebook she kept next to feminine napkins and tampons. She snatched it open, flicked through, and jammed her finger onto the last red dot, marking the end of her last period. She scanned through again, and then slammed the notebook back into the basket and dumped it angrily on the floor.
"Fuck," she hissed, grabbing her face in her hands. "Fuuuck."
She felt like she couldn't breathe, and squeezed her eyes shut. Yes, she and Han had...jumped right back into bed together, no hesitating, the damn second they had the clear. He'd been gone for a month and a half, for Sith's sake, she'd wanted him so badly it hurt. She had a contraceptive shot at Noura's two month vaxx appointment that should have held her for...but goddamnit, those antibiotics, she knew antibiotics negated it, why hadn't she made Han wear a condom? Did they even have condoms? She... with a jolt, realized she and Han had never used condoms together. She gnashed her teeth - well, she could be mistaken, her period could just be late; she always knew when she was pregnant. With Noura she had known the moment it had - but there was so much going on now, and it was the last thing she was anticipating, and her breasts were constantly sore, and her abdomen always aching for some reason or another, so how the hell was she supposed to identify a new pregnancy when she wasn't looking for it?
Taking a deep, reluctant breath, she reached inside herself, gently probing, and there it was. Baby. Three weeks in. Noura was barely four months old, and maybe the poor little girl was wailing in misery because she was jealous.
Leia stood up, kicking aside tampons, and grasped for the sink. She did vomit, and it had very little to do with pregnancy. She was tired. Stressed out. Her two lovely children were being nightmares today and she was on the brink of selling them both to a Dathomir clan and she was...pregnant. She stared at running water in the sink, unable to force herself to even rinse her mouth out. For a split second she thought she was going to black out, and then she shook her head.
Noura was crying on the bed. She needed to take care of Noura before anything else.
She wiped her mouth shakily, swished mouthwash, and then steeled herself and left the 'fresher. She rubbed her palms on her knees, then tied her robe tightly, and pulled all her hair over one shoulder.
"Hi, baby," she said brightly, picking Noura up. She was sure she sounded unconvincing, and she hated that she was about to do this to Han, but for her own sanity, she needed to be alone right now. She needed to gather herself together.
She carried Noura down the stairs and stumbled into the kitchen where she heard Han and Jaina. She only took half a moment to take in the scene - Jaina was still doing her pitiful moaning, whining, crying thing, except she was sitting on the floor with Zozy, and she had an icepop. The icepop seemed to be an olive branch between her and Han, and Leia didn't have the mental capacity to get annoyed about syrup dripping on the floor, or the fact that Jaina was sharing it with the damn mooka.
Jaina gave a little gasp as Leia walked in, and Leia hurried up to Han, handing him the baby before he had hardly registered her presence. He pursed his lips, confused, as she pushed Noura gently into his chest, her eyes pleading.
"Take her, please," she said softly.
"Leia?" Han asked, concerned. "Sweetheart?"
"Just - I can't handle it right now. I need a break. I know you need a break too, but I can't - take her," Leia begged through gritted teeth. "Take her, take them...to Dad's or, or Luke's," she trailed off, her head pounding. She thought she was going to be sick again. "Han, please," she said faintly. "I'm okay, I am, but I need - "
"Okay," he said firmly, without any more question. "Okay, Leia. I got her." He gave her an encouraging nod, and Leia put a hand to her head, some weight lifting off of her shoulders.
Her lips trembled, and she knew it distressed Han to see her start crying, but she just waved him off, a fierce look on her face. She'd explain later. She would. She just needed to wallow. She needed to calm down, first. She turned on her heel and practically ran out of the kitchen. Jaina, who had perked up a bit and dried her eyes at Leia's appearance, looked mystified when her mother promptly left the room as quickly as she had come. Annoyed, she whacked her icepop against Han's leg and threw her head back theatrically, resuming her dramatic tears.
"Why doesn't Mommy love me?" she wailed.
Unable to decide if he was heartbroken, or amused - or a little of both - Han looked down and gave her a perplexed look. He adjusted Noura on his hip – for what it was worth, she cuddled up against him contently, as if relieved she was no longer being cajoled into nursing.
Leia fled up the stairs, Jaina's morose cry ringing in her ears. She knew Jaina was just being bratty right now, but it still stung a little, and she pressed her wrist to her mouth to stop keep herself quiet until she was safe in the master bedroom. When she was, she slammed the door, and sank down against it, bursting into sobs.I do love you, she thought, I love you both so much. For the first time, though, she was scared that wasn't enough, and she felt a crushing wave of guilt that there was no excitement at all with the discovery of this pregnancy.
Han tried not to dwell on Leia's mood. He knew she'd talk to him when she had calmed down or when she was ready. He never really had to pry things out of her anymore, not unless it was something regarding work and some threat she'd received. She didn't tell him about those unless they included him or the children. Which of course, he didn't like, but he knew why she kept things like that close hold.
When it came to them, and their relationship, feelings, and family, she didn't lock things away. He thought she must just be overwhelmed. It had been a particularly harrying day. And now that she had the luxury of being able to take a break – which she had rarely, if at all, had while he was gone, she was no doubt taking advantage of it.
As it were, both Jaina and Noura calmed down and got over themselves after a little jaunt to their grandfather's house, and on the way back – hours later – Han flew around aimlessly, taking back ways and long ways and all kinds of ways so that both of them fell asleep in their safety speeder seats.
Of course, when he got home, and parked the speeder, he realized he didn't think that one through very well. He'd stood staring at them for a good ten minutes or so as he realized he couldn't get both of them upstairs without waking at least one of them up. If he woke Jaina to make her walk, she might be a nightmare, but Jaina was too heavy for him to handle one handed without risking her taking a tumble…and he refused to call Leia to help him carry them, just in case she was still having a meltdown.
So much for bringing them home all ready for bed and being hero husband.
Ultimately, he woke Jaina gently and made her hold his hand all the way up to the suite, while Noura sleepily fidgeted around on his shoulder. Jaina yawned quite a bit, but seemed much mellower than she had all day, and while in the lift, gave Han an a pointed look and said:
"Nor is hungry."
Han looked down at her, squeezing her hand.
"You can tell that, can you?" he asked quietly.
Jaina nodded, and yawned again. She leaned into his leg sleepily, and Han smiled at her, immediately deciding to forgive all of her absolutely monstrous behavior today. That was why kids were so cute, he'd decided a long time ago – because if they weren't, parents might routinely murder their offspring.
That was an exaggeration, though…Han had never come close to feeling like he wanted to hurt one of the girls.
"We'll take care of her," he assured Jaina.
He didn't know what he expected to find when walked through the door, but he didn't have to wait to find out. Leia was waiting calmly, opening it before he even got his palm over the reader.
"Mama," Jaina started, but Leia was already nodding.
"I know, I know," she murmured. "She's hungry."
She was turning down the collar of her blouse and coaxing Noura to nurse before Han had even shut the door.
"Han, can you put Jaina to bed?" she murmured turning and carrying Noura to the couch. Han stopped to watch her. He always found it fascinating that she could walk and nurse at the same time. Seemed extremely complicated to him.
Leia sat down, looking exhausted, but fine, and Han looked down at Jaina, releasing her hand. Jaina looked back up at him warily.
"Daddy," she said, starting to whine. "I don't really want to do bed," she protested.
Before he could answer, Leia turned her head.
"Jaina Yvaine," she said sharply – it wasn't a yell, Han had never heard Leia yell at them, per se, not in absolute anger, at least – but it was commanding, and Jaina's face sobered up real quick. "Do not argue. Bedtime."
Jaina shuffled her feet, and took Han's hand, nodding. She looked sulky, but she didn't protest, and Han reached down and picked her up. He took her over to Leia so she could give her a kiss, and then carried her upstairs to do the bedtime routine. It wasn't too hard to complete; she was still pretty groggy from the flight home, and she must have exhausted herself acting like a rancor all day, anyway. She engaged in a lot of pouting, and moved very slowly as if to make a point, but she didn't cry or mouth off, and she was dead asleep before Han even got to page three of her latest favorite story.
He gently extricated himself from her toddler bed, tucked her in, and brushed her hair back, taking a minute to admire how peaceful and cute she looked, and marvel at how such a sweet little angel could sometimes behave so badly.
He left her door cracked, with the hall nightlight glowing in soothingly, and crept out into the hall; right at the same time Leia came out of Noura's nursery. She had a tired, but determined look on her face, and she pushed her hair back, raising her eyes to his.
She studied him for a moment, then bit her lip, and raised her hand, crooking her finger at him. She wriggled it, slipping past him, and indicating he should follow.
"I need to talk to you," she said shortly.
Unable to stop himself, Han hurried to follow her, giving her back an incredulous look.
"Yeah, obviously," he said, louder than he meant to, and the murderous look she gave him was all at once comical and the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen. He lowered his voice immediately, conscious of the sleeping babies. "Sorry," he hissed. "Sorry."
Leia stiffly turned her back on him, and led him down the hall, into their master suite, and then into the 'fresher, where she waved the lights on, and reached past him to shut the door.
Han watched it click locked dubiously, and then turned to look at her, pressing his back into the wall behind him. He crossed his arms, and studied her a moment, unsure what the hell was going on. After a moment, he arched an eyebrow.
"We hiding from the kids?" he quipped.
She had, after all, just locked them in their own 'fresher.
Leia perched gingerly on the edge of their tub. She rubbed her forehead, peering closely at the palm of her hand, and then let out a breath. It sounded like she might have been holding it the entire afternoon, since he left at least. He watched her, a frown touching his lips. What the hell was –?
"Han, I'm pregnant," she said.
Han blinked at her. Her voice sounded dull, and was a little muffled, even though she slowly lowered her hand from her face as she said it. Still, he had probably misunderstood her, because it sounded like she'd said she was pregnant, and that was just…that couldn't be right.
Han made a sound that might have been a laugh. He shook his head a little.
"What d'you mean, you're pregnant?" he quoted.
Leia just looked at him moodily, her eyes sharp on him.
Han shook his head again, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.
"Is it Tricksters' Day?" he asked.
Her eyes narrowed.
"Because this would be so funny," she said icily.
Han stared at her.
"But…we just…you just – maybe you're confused," he said lamely.
His thoughts were suddenly all running together. Pregnant, pregnant? Noura was…Noura was…so little; he felt like he'd been gone forever, and missed so much, but suddenly it seemed like such a ghastly short amount of time.
Leia raised her eyebrows very slowly.
"I am never wrong," she said crisply.
"I mean, not confused," Han said hastily, swallowing hard. "S'just – you just had Noura, sort of, so maybe," he shrugged. He waved his hand. "Your senses are just…thinkin'…there's too many babies in the house, and it's confused. It's confused about Jaina and Noura and all their…baby energy. Not you."
Leia stared at him. He thought…the Force was confused? He grimaced under her gaze, realizing how stupid it sounded even as he said it. Luke would probably laugh himself into a coma if he ever heard.
"You know, you're right, Han," she said, in a dangerously placid voice, "maybe Jaina is pregnant."
Han gave her a dubious look. Evidently at the end of her ability to remain collected and snappish, Leia put her face in her hands, and groaned softly. Her shoulders dropped, and Han let his head fall back hard against the door, staring, wide-eyed, at the ceiling. He cleared his throat, and then straightened his head, stepping forward.
"You might be wrong," he said again, stepping forward. "Y'know, you were wrong that one time," he said, correcting her. "You were."
"I have never been wrong, Han!"
"Yes, you have!" he argued. "Before we met the Naberries, you thought you were pregnant, and you were wrong."
Leia gave a dismissive scoff.
"That was before I had ever had a baby," she said. "It was different. I had no idea what it felt like."
Han shuffled forward and went down on one knee. He scratched his jaw, and then flung his hand out.
"Where's you book?" he asked gruffly. "Where's – " he rummaged in the box near the sani, and pulled out the little journal she used, flicking through it. His eyes scanned her meticulous red dots tracking the days and weeks, and he pointed…and frowned, looking up. "Oh," he said, wincing. "That's…more than just late," he admitted.
Leia leaned very close to him, her nose almost touching his.
"Would you like me to pee on a stick for you?" she hissed.
Han snapped the book shut, and leaned back. Hastily, he replaced it, and shook his head. She looked quite terrifying, staring at him like that. In fact, she looked like the female of a species who ate the male after mating, and he wasn't interested in that sort of outcome here.
He reached behind him and braced his palm on the sink, standing up. He leaned against it, the point sharply stabbing into his back. It anchored him to the moment as his head spun, and suddenly, he felt an unexpected wave of guilt. He was supposed to be happy. This was supposed to be a happy thing; he'd always been happy before. He shouldn't be sitting here trying to insist she couldn't be pregnant.
She didn't seem happy either, though. He couldn't blame her; this was so…Noura was barely four months old – or was she even four months yet? Han knew her life day, but he lost track of exact times sometimes since he'd been deployed. He tended to subtract the six weeks he'd been gone from her age, trying to forget he'd missed it.
Han sighed. Leia looked up at him, her arms hanging limply across her knees. Her mouth was tight, tired, her face pale, eyes just slightly red. She seemed to be looking at him with disappointment, and he shifted uncomfortably.
"Han," she whispered, "I was hoping you'd be your usual come-what-may self," she confessed. "Perk me up a little."
Han twitched his shoulders apologetically. He lifted his chin.
"I don't wanna act carefree when you're upset, Sweetheart," he said frankly.
He'd definitely learned – the year they'd met the Naberries, as a matter of fact – that acting like he wasn't worried or scared at all hadn't been healthy for their relationship.
Leia laced her fingers together and looked at her palms. She didn't say anything.
"Are you," Han began warily. "Upset?"
She sighed. She pressed her palms to her mouth, and looked at him over her fingertips. She lifted her shoulders.
"I went through the stages of grief while you were gone. I cried all afternoon," she said grimly. "I," she started, and trailed off. "I got it while I was trying to nurse Noura," she told him. "That's why the girls have been so anxious lately, their senses are going haywire and they don't know why. It's," she gently extricated her fingers, and pointed to her abdomen, "her."
"It's a girl?" Han asked, distracted.
Leia shrugged.
"I don't know, yet," she said. "I'm assuming. Based on our track record. I think you only have x chromosomes."
"I have at least one y chromosome," Han retorted.
Leia gave him a faint smile. She slouched a little more, and sighed. Han shifted, rubbing his palm on his knee.
"Okay," he said, letting out a heavy sigh. "Okay. You're, um…what, a few weeks?"
Leia nodded.
Han folded his arms tightly.
"What do you want to do?" he asked.
Leia cut her eyes towards him sharply, her body suddenly angled away from him. She looked at him through her lashes, her lips compressing into a thin line.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
Han blinked warily.
"You seem really upset, Leia," he said quietly. "You said you cried all afternoon. That ain't normal."
Leia barely parted her lips to speak.
"And you took it so well?" she retorted.
"'M not sayin' I had a perfect reaction," he said hastily. "But crying all afternoon? The stages of grief?" he quoted. "That doesn't sound good. That's – "
"I am telling you how I felt," Leia broke in, "and the emotions I went through. I am being honest and open with you," she said, her voice starting to shake, "and you're going to tell me I'm…what, abnormal?"
Han swallowed hard, recognizing dangerous territory. He tried not to get angry, but his shoulders did tense up – yeah, he was choosing his words wrong. But he was worried about her, too. She had just been through an exhausting, miserable pregnancy, a long, tiring labor, and a period of time during which she was seeing to two girls under four years old alone.
"No, I want to make sure you're okay," he said curtly. "And I'm tryin' to say we can…discuss things, if you want to…discuss things," he said awkwardly.
Leia looked away. He hesitated, and opened his mouth again.
"Leia, if it's better for you to – "
"I know what you're suggesting."
"'M not suggesting it. 'M sayin' if you want to say it to me, 'm not gonna throw a fit on you, or call you names, or – "
"You think I want an abortion, Han? You really think I want a fucking abortion?" she interrupted, her head swiveling back to him violently.
Her eyes narrowed and she glared at him, gripping the tub on either side of her. Her knuckles turned white, and Han stared at her with wide eyes. He had no idea what the best response was. No, he didn't think she did, but he thought she might want to be able to say she wished this wasn't happening right now. Or, well, if she did, he'd –
"I came to terms with this while you were out with the girls," she said again, and moved one hand to slide it over her abdomen protectively.
She licked her lips and took a deep breath.
"It's not a good time. You're back, I'm getting back into things at work, in such a good way," she paused, her lips trembling. "There's nothing wrong with this baby, though, Han, you know I can tell when it's going to be fine and…the way I feel so…deeply connected, even from the beginning, even if I wanted to…I don't think I could," she admitted.
Leia shook her head.
"I want to be clear," she said. "I do not want to terminate. It didn't even cross my mind." She smiled almost ruefully, running her hand under her nose and sniffling. "Even if I wanted to," she said again. "You'd never forgive me."
Han stiffened a little, his jaw tightening.
Leia looked down at her abdomen, and started to go on.
"We did want three," she began.
Han grunted, cutting her off.
"Hang on," he muttered. "I don't like that, I don't like that you said that," he said tersely. "What you just – I'd never forgive you?" he quoted. His brows knit, and he shook his head. "Why'd you say that?"
Leia touched her neck with both hands, and then folded her arms tightly. She hesitated for what seemed like a long time.
"I," she started. "Well, Han," she said, exasperated. "I always felt you…I don't know," she said, wincing, She didn't want to offend him or hurt him – obviously she already had. She bit her lip. "Speaking of…that scare," she said, dryly. "Do you remember when you asked me…if I'd really not want it, if I had been pregnant, then?"
Han shrugged a little violently. He nodded.
"I took it to heart," Leia said. "You wouldn't like an abortion, Han. Not me having one, and not your baby."
Han slid his hands down the side of his pants roughly, frustrated.
"So?" he snapped. "Not liking the idea isn't the same as… never forgiving you, or trying to – to stop you, or make you feel bad," he argued. "I mean, what if you needed…because it was a sick baby, or your life was in danger or – "
"That's very different, Han, that's very different than me, happily married to you, deciding I'm not really 'feeling' it right now and deciding to get an abortion! You'd never look at me the same if I told you, right now, that I was not going to have this one."
"That's not true, Leia!" he hissed angrily, trying to keep his voice down. "That's not – it's not," he insisted. "I might be sad, I might be a little pissed off, and I might not get it, but that's the whole damn point – I don't get it. I'm not Force sensitive, I'm not the one who gets pregnant, I don't go through labor, and I don't nurse them. I don't know what it's like, so if you needed to," he waved his hand, "if you need a break, so that you don't lose your mind, or your health, if you need to just have Noura and Jaina for now, of course I'd forgive you!"
He shook his head.
"There'd be nothing to forgive, Leia. I love you. I love our kids, but I'd never choose one that hadn't been born yet over you."
He looked away for a moment, clearing his throat hoarsely.
"I guess that sounds kind of shitty, but – " he started.
"No," Leia interrupted softly. "It doesn't sound shitty, not to me."
She was quiet a moment, and then she dipped her head, and covered her face, closing her eyes lightly. She seemed to take a few deep breaths, and wiped her nose again, looking up with wet eyes. Han watched her for a moment, and then he pushed away from the sink, and knelt next to her, leaning against the tub. He squeezed her knee.
"Wish you were happier about this, Sweetheart," he said sincerely. "Hell, I wish I hadn't been such a dick when you told me."
"You weren't a dick," Leia mumbled.
"Kinda was."
She sniffled, and looked at him sideways.
"…You're right," she agreed.
Han grinned.
"This is rough, huh? This isn't what we planned."
She nodded, sliding her hand over his.
"It's hard to tell you everything I'm feeling. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't…put it into words every well," she said huskily. "I do want you to know that I do not, I do not, want an abortion, Han."
He nodded in return.
"Okay," he said, lifting his shoulders. "I don't either."
A small smile touched her lips.
"I'll need you for this one," she said. "You'll…I need…if Carlist wants you again," she said, biting her lip. "I need you to say no."
Han snorted.
"You got me," he promised.
Leia let out a slow breath.
"You know, it's…some of the things I told myself, while you were…out," she said, holding his gaze. "It's a blessing even if it's hard. I was so worried I couldn't have kids, before Jaina. You were worried, with the carbonite. And this," she snapped her fingers. "And we did want three, and not as far apart as Jaina and Noura," she trailed off, sighing.
"Yeah, we settled on three," Han said.
Leia gave him a slightly cool look.
"You think this is a good time to start that argument again?"
Han grinned.
"I'm kiddin', Leia," he swore. "Three. I'm good with three."
She brought his knuckles to her lips and kissed them.
"Can I mope for a moment?" she requested.
"Mmhm."
"I had weaned Jaina and had my body back and right when it felt really normal again, I had Noura, and we planned that, and now," she sighed. "I'll be pulled in two different directions, pregnant, nursing," she rested her chin on his knuckle. "It's a lot. For a long time."
Han shrugged.
"Wean Noura," he suggested.
Leia looked appalled.
"She nurses better than Jaina! And she's not even close to – I nursed Jaina until she was – "
"Do what you want," Han said gently. "But if you wean Noura, I can take care of feeding her at night, all the time," he pointed out. "More sleep."
Leia shifted. She sighed uncertainly.
"I'll think about it," she muttered. She liked nursing Noura. It made her feel close to her.
She lowered Han's hand, and then pulled it forward, tucking it against her abdomen. There was nothing there to physically indicate pregnancy; her stomach was still soft, though it was far from flat – she'd never lost all of her Jaina weight, and hadn't tried to, and Noura had left her marks, too.
He fanned his fingers out thoughtfully, pressing very, very gently.
"You feel okay?" he asked. "Any symptoms yet?"
"Just the crushing fear that I will psychologically fuck up my children."
"Yeah, but besides that," Han said, deadpan.
She dipped her head, and smiled at him. Han shifted to sit on the floor, leaning back, and beckoned to her. She gingerly moved off the tub, and settled down next to him, leaning into his side on the floor. She rested her head on his shoulder with a soft sigh, reaching up to rest her hand against his heart.
"Father is going to kill you," she said mildly.
"Me? Huh-uh. You think I'm taking the blame for this? I'm tellin' him it's not my kid," Han joked.
Leia laughed. She rubbed one of her eyes, and shook her head – and then she sighed.
"Jaina," she whispered, exasperated.
Mere seconds later, there was a mournful knock on the bathroom door. Jaina had a penchant for getting out of bed – even the rails they had attached to her toddler bed didn't really deter her. She knew how to unlock the mechanisms with the Force.
Leia threw a twitch of power at the door, and unlatched it. It swung open gently to reveal Jaina standing there, her hair all knotted and messy, little footed pajamas rumpled, and her favorite stuffed toy clutched in her arms. Leia looked at her expectantly.
"Mama," Jaina said, her lips trembling. "Zozy sleep in Nor's room and not me," she whined pitifully.
"Aww," Han sympathized.
Jaina took a step forward, tears spilling down her face.
"Hey, it's not that bad, Sweetheart," Han soothed, alarmed.
"I was mean to you today," Jaina moaned, throwing herself down and sprawling over their laps. "Don't un-love me!"
She tossed over onto her stomach and buried her face in their knees dramatically, and Han shared a baffled look with Leia. Leia just shrugged. At her age, Jaina was given to pretty theatrical bursts of emotion, and she was not about to question it if she wanted to come snuggle and apologize for her attitude.
"We won't un-love you," Han said, stroking her hair.
He raised his brows, and Leia gently lifted Jaina under her arms, pulling her close. She tucked the three-year-old against her shoulder, running her hands through her hair, and tilted her head back, content to hold her for a moment.
"Mama," Jaina mumbled into Leia's shoulder. "You feel weird."
Leia grinned. She shared a helpless look with Han over Jaina's head – they certainly had their hands full, with their little force-sensitive girls, with their Solo blood and their vivacious personalities, and it was only going to be a wilder ride to navigate the addition of one more – my lastborn, Leia thought, as she hugged her firstborn a little tighter.
-alexandra
story #392