The Thoughts of an Immortal
This is my punishment for my failure. That I couldn't save her was not enough; that I let that psychopath Sephiroth be born and cause this destruction was not enough. Now I have to walk alone, forever thinking about my thoughts, my feelings and my past.
The sins of the past are my eternal. Nothing I could do can make up for that sin. The one time I felt for someone it had led me to this body, this curse. My caring and feelings were what drove me to this body; all Shinra did was make me immortal.
People are a bane to me. I don't like them anyway. Every town and city I visit I shun people, drink and eat alone. They could never know what I've been through; never accept what me for the monster that I have become.
Lucrecia... Her name stays in my mind. Her face, her body, that laugh...all these things dominate my entire being. I could have saved her; I could have stopped everything from happening. But I was weak, unworthy. And now she's dead, and I must stay forever, to never be with her again.
Yet another small town. People recognise me as one of the saviours. I shun them, brush off their remarks. It wasn't me, I tell them. It was Cloud who stopped Sephiroth; all I did was save a few people from Midgar. But that's enough for them, and they continue to hound me everywhere I go.
I return to that cave where she died. I look into it and see only my shabby form. Lank black hair, my tattered red cape...even my eyes have not escaped my curse, and have been tainted red through the materia and Chaos in me.
It's here that I find peace. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see her standing there, a look of sorrow on her face. She calls out my name and I step towards her. But with every step I take she walks further and further away, leaving nothing but a mocking laughter behind.
Hojo. He is the cause of all of this. Not my Lucrecia, not me – Hojo. He's dead now, though, with one of my bullets in his brain. It doesn't matter though; I still walk with this guilt. May the Planet have made a wise decision, because I hate this immortality.
It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone. My thoughts return to the only people I can call friends. We saved the world, but if I had saved Lucrecia and killed Hojo, then the world would never have been in danger. This is all my fault.
Back in the Crystal Cave. She's so beautiful. I can't stop looking at her. I call out her name but she doesn't reply anymore. Only my mind can guess what she's thinking.
I no longer blame her for choosing Hojo over me. Now that I know she loved me, I can't blame her. Surely you've got to forgive those you love as long as you know they love you? Yes, I do forgive her. I always will.
As I wonder through the forests of the world, I come across Yuffie, the girl who saved me. Pretty, young; just how I remember Lucrecia. Sometimes I help her look for materia whilst she makes sly remarks to my cold nature. I shrug it off, like it's no big deal.
"Vince, why do you keep going back to the Crystal Cave?" Yuffie asks.
We're sitting by a small river with a fire going. She's cooking a slab of meat from an animal I shot earlier. I give her a few glances from time to time. Not beautiful, but definitely something.
"Because I have to. It's a place of peace and love. I enjoy it there," I reply whilst looking at the river.
"Yeah, but wouldn't it be easier just to move on and forget about it?"
"My sins are eternal, my curse. They can never be forgotten or forgiven."
After that, she takes off, promising to ring me on my cell phone. Sly girl. That thought makes me chuckle inside, but I keep the stern face on. Soon, though, I'll be travelling alone again.
Would the Planet really give me a way out, after everything I've done, after all my failures? No, I don't think it would. Yuffie must be about 26, 27. Just like Lucrecia… the Planet isn't that nice.
The chance for happiness must have been long gone by now. No-one could replace Lucrecia. But though my heart yearns for her, I can never have her again. It wouldn't be fair on Yuffie if I just used her as a replacement for Lucrecia.
Once more I'm in the Crystal Cave, looking at Lucrecia. I sit in silence must times, just thinking things over, like what would my life had been like if I had killed Hojo before he could shoot me. Would we have had children? Would we have been happy? I don't want to know anymore.
Cerebus can't kill me. There's pain, unimaginable pain, but I don't die. And so, I think in silence whilst Lucrecia stays in her tomb.
People ring me on my cell phone, but I never ring them. There's no point, and I like my own company anyway. No-one can stop me thinking about Lucrecia; no-one can make me confused about my feelings.
My adventures seemed to have calmed down. The world is no longer in danger. As months slip by, I find myself as a small traveller, fighting thugs when I am called upon.
Is this all I am to ever be? Just a quick fighter; a necessary, unbeatable weapon? Even when I was with the Turks, I was never this; I actually had a purpose. But now there is no happiness and no purpose.
Red XIII and I meet up in the fallen remains of Midgar, just like we promised. He tells me stories of his adventures, and I sit and listen. I am with a fellow kindred, and though he isn't immortal, he is still the closest thing to one.
Now it is my turn to speak. I tell him about a few of my adventures and about how often Yuffie and I seem to meet up now. Red XIII says that it must be better than moping around, but he cannot understand.
Back in Crystal Cave. Lucrecia, what would you do? You exiled yourself; I understand that. But I am to live forever – can I allow even a lifetime of happiness? Is that why the Planet made Yuffie and I meet? I don't believe in coincidences.
I look at my cell phone. I've highlighted Yuffie's number. Can I do it? Can I just push the button and ask to meet up?
It's not fair. She can never replace my Lucrecia, and my heart and soul belong to her as well. Yuffie could never replace her.
And anyway, Yuffie would never accept me. I am a haggard, old buzzard to her; a loner and cold.
Or maybe she could. Could she go see through my pain and soul and still love me? Could she be there for me?
Lucrecia. The memories return. Me being her guardian. Us two coming closer together, understanding one another. Me loving her with all my heart. That smile, her eyes, how she moved – and a kindred soul who lived with a sin. The sin of her causing my father's death.
If only she knew that I had forgiven her and didn't care. If she could have accepted that, then she could have let me in and help her forgive herself.
I throw the cell phone into the lake and watch it sink to the bottom. I can never love anyone else the way I love Lucrecia. It wouldn't be fair on them, on Yuffie.
I sit down and look up at Lucrecia's frozen tomb. And my heart and soul seem as heavy and burdened as ever.