I've always been an action more than words kind of person; why dream while sleeping when you can live and breathe and play at what you want to play? Do what you want to do when you want to do it, and live with no regrets.
Recently though I've been rethinking this. I don't know whether it's my frequent turns of melancholy or my desire to get mindalteringly intoxicated that's been doing it but I've been trying to work things out in my head. For once, I've been thinking consequences before action and in turn it's caused me to go back over my life and point out what I've done wrong. All of a sudden my head is full of regret, of disappointment in myself and my judgement, in most of the uneducated and spontaneous decision I've made.
Sure, i've had my fun. I've had amazing times and made good friends. But at what cost? I'd been living the high life with those who meant most to me in the world when in one single night all of that was snatched away and I was left with nothing. Was this my punishment for past misbehaviours? For going against blood and sticking with my own beliefs? Was I shown how good and happy and complete life could have been, in order to have it taken away from me to enforce this punishment to a greater extent?
I always said I'd never allow myself to fall in love because eventually that would break; I was never a relationship person, never one to allow anyone too close because essentially we are all human and we make mistakes. Things break so easily and I would more than likely be the one to break it - I do, for whatever reason, appear to have a penchant for distruction and I've seen too many people being torn apart because of love, too many relationships that started off as love descending into hatred and I wasn't in for that. I wanted fun, I wanted passion, I wanted pleasure - but I wouldn't allow anyone too close. Life was for enjoying, not hangups and restriction and the inevitable hurt that relationships tend to bring. I'd seen it too many times before.
But I did fall in love; I fell in love with my friends and essentially what I'd been avoiding all my life caught up with me. And as I predicted, it was my fucking fault.
I thought I was a good person, I thought I was doing right by myself and those around me but clearly I was wrong.
I don't know anymore.