A/N: Two nights ago while I was listening to music, it struck me that in my utter Team-Jacob-ness, I have come up with numerous ways to make life difficult for Edward. So I started writing them down. Enjoy!
FAIL-SAFE WAYS TO UNWITTINGLY OFFEND, HORRIFY AND/OR HUMILIATE EDWARD CULLEN
1. Bake him a birthday cake...with 107 candles. Make frequent jokes about his being "over the hill"
2. Give him a puppy named sprinkles.
3. When asked what to do with Sprinkles, hand him a straw and exclaim "Go for it, Tiger!"
4. Make him a shirt that says "I Like Humans - I Don't Eat Them". Force him to wear it.
5. Speak to him in a nonsensical series of elegant and educated-sounding words. When asked what the heck you mean, smile condenscendingly.
6. Sit by the Cullens at lunch and attack your food voraciously in a vampiric fashion. When asked why, say you learned from the best. Pat Edward on the head lovingly.
7. Make him drive you to La Push so you can jump back and forth on the boundary line screaming "Vampire Land!" "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land!" etc.
8. Force him to watch the 40-Year-Old Virgin with you. Send him accusational glares at random throughout the film.
9. Make him watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Mouth the word "Cedward!" in his general direction.
10. Ask questions like "How about them Chudley Cannons?", or "So...who's this Cho I keep hearing about?" When he "refuses" to answer, say you'll be rooting for Harry.
11. During his piano serenades, yell "Play some Skynyrd!!!!" in a racous voice.
12. Have phone conversations with other fictional vampires. When asked, tell him "Lestat says hi!", "Oh Mick, gotta go. HE'S here." or "Sup Krava-Krave? How things kickin with Selene?"
13. Have "We Appreciate Mythology" days with the pack and the Cullens. Fervently discuss how we need to "be on better terms with Nessie".