Disclaimer: I do not own the title Zombieland or the places associated with it. Uh, what else… Yada Yada?
Chapter 1: Of Bounty and Men
The sun still shone brightly, despite the grim state of the world. Its golden rays caressed the rolling hills yonder, bathing all living life forms in soft, fuzzy warmth. Unfortunately, there were no living life forms anymore. In these hills-where in the past gophers played, rabbits jumped about, and furries had their freaky campfires- there was nothing… Nothing but diseased, brain-eating zombies.
Further inland, near Waco, Texas, a night-black SUV barrelled down the freeway of survivor-named Route 101. Within, were four people; Columbus—myself, Wichita—a really beautiful girl whom I've recently been attracted to, Little Rock—the latter's little sister, and Tallahassee—a big guy in a snakeskin suit whose main job is to kick some serious wholesale zombie ass. Well that was his job. From recent events, I've been worried.
"Hey, Tallahassee," I call from the back seat. Little Rock sat next to me, looking pissed off as usual. I didn't blame her. For the first time ever, Tallahassee was driving like an old woman fearing for an apparent heart attack. I swear, if a turtle were walking right next to us right now, it could circle 'round the world and overtake us... Twice.
"You mind going a bit faster?" I ask.
"Calm down." was his reply. That's it. No 'shut the hell up, you prick' or anything like that. Just… Calm down. Something was up.
Ever since he ate that twinky, Tallahassee's softened up. Well, not so much, but he no longer kicks my butt every five minutes. It;s a bit longer now, but honestly, I'm not counting. And now that I mention it, his I'm pissed off so I'll just screw with Columbus moment has long been overdue-though you won't find any complaints here. Perhaps it's just the fact that we're really meshing together as a family now or maybe he just doesn't care anymore. Either way, I'm still hoping he'll be able to save our butts at any given moment. I don't know how far we'd get without him. Not very far, I can assure.
At the moment, we were driving around Waco, having just left our snug little home—well, Bill Murray's snug little home which wasn't so little—and were driving away as far as our 'borrowed' car could take us. The state was getting pretty dangerous. Zombies were massing from all directions to form some sort of super horde. It was like Dawn of the Dead without the walking dead people. Contrary to popular belief, these zombies aren't really dead. They were just messed up normal folks like you and me with a craving for human flesh. Not that I'd prefer either one, though. Sometimes I wish these things would just die. Then maybe our lives could be normal again. But part of me wants them to stay around, because, as dangerous as they are, it's fun messing around with them. In a place like Zombieland, you need something to do, right? Whoa, I must be turning into Tallahassee… It's too bad my ass-kicking abilities are sub-par at best. What can I say? I'm more of the 'I'm going to survive so screw you I'm outta here' kind of guy. Not so much now. I've got people I need to protect.
"Well, would you look at that…" I hear Tallahassee mutter, wrenching me from my thoughts.
Following his lead, I stare out the window, my mouth forming a small o as I did. A giant mass of zombies were parading across those dead hills to the left of our car. They seem to be heading towards the direction we were driving from. That Pacific Playland stint must have attracted them. Just like my good ol' Left 4 Dead game, these zombies seemed to be attracted to sounds and bright lights. They must have seen our little night-party from afar and hurried to join us. Something to take note of. I should probably add that to my list of rules: Never carry loud, shiny objects. Of course, this rule wouldn't apply if your loud shiny object is a gun. Or a sword. Or any other zombie-killing tool. Actually, this rule wouldn't apply to many things. In fact, perhaps the only bright, shiny objects worth mentioning are those that come out of the Disney Store, which I come to wonder why anybody shops there in the first place. I never really got the charm of those spinning, light up toys or talking Buzz Lightyear action figures. I guess as a kid, I was more of a hands-on video gamer person. I didn't play with toys much, thanks to my giant list of phobias, many of which were actually sparked by my many unpleasant experiences as a toddler. The fact that my family was pretty messed, and that my childhood was filled with foggy memories of some old lady's teeth didn't help either. Though the latter may explain my fear of dentures.
"What are you doing?" I hear Wichita say in front of me. I look up, meeting her eyes.
"Oh, uh you know… Just writing in my rulebook," I respond, a sheepish smile on my face. I think I'm blushing. Hopefully not, that'd be embarassing. "Gotta stay up-to-date on the rules."
"The rules," She echoes, laughing. She extends her hand, showing me her palm. "Let me see that."
Reluctantly, I hand her my trusty book of rules. She opens it and begins flipping through my notes.
"Rule Number 12: Bounty Paper Towels," She reads, her eyebrows arching. "Nothing like good ol' bounty to keep yourself sanitary." She looks up at me, the expression of what-the-hell? clearly visible on her finely sculpted face. "Is this for real?"
"Yes it is." I reply, defiantly.
I reach into my pack and rummage through its contents, extracting a roll of Bounty. "These things are incredible." I begin, ready to start up my signature Bounty Adoration Speech. "They're compact, durable, light, very absorbent… They wipe surfaces smoothly, are better than the leading brand, very strong, doesn't have an expiration date…" I can't say for how long I went on about the usefulness of Bounty, but I'll give you a hint. A long time. Eventually, Wichita got annoyed and turned away. I of course, kept going, oblivious to the world beyond Bounty paper towels.
"Can you keep it quiet back there?" Tallahassee shouts, distractedly. "I'm trying to focus."
I laughed. I had too. Since when did Tallahassee focus on anything but getting a Twinky? Wait a minute…
"So…" I say cautiously. If I wanted answers, I had to be careful of what I said. I needed to beat around the bush. Weed out my prey. Lure him into my trap of psychological awesomeness. "Where are we going?" I blurted. Oh, damn. So much for that plan. Surprisingly, Tallahassee didn't go into a hissy fit and get all defensive about him-self. Not that he does often. He's just so mysterious. In fact, all of us could be considered mysterious. We knew almost nothing about each other outside of the few weeks we've been together. The less we know, the better, I guess.
"We," Tallahassee begins, like a speaker about to embark on the world's longest harangue ever. "Are going to Canada." I waited for his continuation. None came. That was anti-climatic. Wait, what? Canada?
"Why Canada?" I ask. From the corner of my sight, I could see Little Rock rolling her eyes and Wichita smirking. Clearly I was missing something.
"Have you ever heard of the movie, I Am Legend?"
"That post-apocalyptic movie thing, starring Will Smith?" I inquire, clueless as to what this had to do with anything.
"Yes, that. In the movie, the infection can't survive in the cold."
Oh, now I was starting to catch on. "So that's why you want us to go to Canada!" I exclaim. It was brilliant. The thought of a place with more survivors… Maybe hope wasn't lost after all. Maybe the human race wasn't doomed. Maybe-
"Well actually," He said in a manner of corrected-ness, " I just figured that due to the coldness of the Canadian climate, their Twinkies might last longer."
So this was about Twinkies after all, and not about our survival. Well, it's Tallahassee. Go figure. I had an urge to face-palm myself, but refrained from doing so. Didn't want Wichita to think I was into the whole 'inflicting pain to myself' business. Twinkies or not, I actually felt that going to Canada would really be a good idea. It may not have been his true intention, but Tallahassee may be right. What if the Infection didn't survive the cold? What if it was totally zombie-free? Only one way to find out, to Canada it is, then.
Short chapter. This is my first Zombieland fanfic and I hope I can write all of the characters… Well… In character. This first chapter is written in the first-person point of view of Columbus, though I may decide to take multiple points of views in later chapters. This was just the beginning and I hope you look it. It may seem boring at first but I assure you, it will improve! (Hopefully!)