This one shot begins during the episode of Up in Klink's Room. It starts just as Dr. Klaus has Newkirk quarantined with Colonel Hogan. However, this is how I would have written it if I was a producer/writer. NO INFRINGEMENT INTENDED, I SADLY ANNOUNCE THAT I DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE OWNED HOGAN'S HEROES.
"Halt!" came the annoying call of Dr. Klaus, the physician assigned to Colonel Hogan's abstract, extreme illness. Dr. Klaus then marched into Colonel Hogan's assigned hospital room pulling back a struggling Newkirk by his collar.
"This man has been exposed to Polaris Extremis! This illness may be contagious! Therefore, you, Sergeant Shultz and Corporal Newkirk, will stay in this very room with Colonel Hogan for observation. I will call Colonel Klink and tell him my decision. Two cots will be brought in here." Dr. Klaus announced, looking for any looks of defiance before leaving the room.
Once he left, he went to his office to call Colonel Klink and tell him why he should not expect anybody back from the hospital tonight.
In Colonel Hogan's room, Hogan and Newkirk were scheming on how to get the information back to Stalag Thirteen so Kinch could send the information to HQ. They could escape, but now that Schultz was in the room with them, they wouldn't have an open window to climb out of without being caught. As of now, the great tub of lard was grumbling about having to stay in the hospital instead of going back to Stalag Thirteen, and how hungry he was.
Hogan and Newkirk were still wondering how to get the information back to camp when three orderlies came in, two with extra cots, and the third with a wheel chair. All three of them were wearing masks to avoid direct contact. The first two left quickly, afraid of the two POWs, but the third stood there, and hesitantly said, "Colonel Hogan? I need to take you down for some tests immediately."
"Huh? "Asked Hogan. "I didn't know about this."
"Yes," The orderly replied, "that's because Dr. Klaus has just decided that he wants to discover what triggered your reaction to Polaris Extremis."
"Alright, I suppose." Hogan agreed, before sitting down in the wheel chair and waited for his ride to begin.
"Newkirk," he said, while Newkirk looked at him, "Don't forget to save some dinner for me before Schultz eats it all."
Newkirk nodded, recognizing the code. Stay here until I give the signal.
Hogan was wheeled through the hospital, until he and the orderly reached Exame Stimmt Ein (Exam Room One). Hogan got up on the examining table and was told to wait until the doctor saw him. Then the orderly left as if he was outrunning a fire.
Hogan got bored and decided to check out the security in this part of the hospital. It was very tight. Just as he was about to check out the window to see if it had a ledge or not, a knock came to the door and Hogan managed to jump back onto the table before Dr. Klaus came into the room.
"Well, good news Colonel." He started out, "Colonel Klink had no problem with you staying a few extra days. In fact he seemed overjoyed." Klaus said, shaking his head in amazement.
"Well that's Kommodant Klink for you; you can never expect a thing from him."Hogan groveled, thinking this doctor was just any ordinary doctor of the third Reich.
Dr. Klaus decided to cut the small talk, and skip right to the chase, as it were. "Colonel Hogan, let me introduce myself. My real name is Kurt Klaus, also known to others as Sleeping Beauty. I am with the resistance. I am here to help you."
Hogan wasn't amused, but slightly alarmed. "I'm sorry I can't help you Dr. Klaus, I'm just a cowed prisoner in the toughest POW camp in all of Germany." Hogan said, saying the last part with a bored tone of voice, since it definitely was not true.
"Colonel Hogan, or Papa Bear, as some call you; you need my help with this assignment. You have to let me help you, or you will not succeed." Klaus tried explaining to the stubborn Colonel.
Hogan was starting to believe Dr. Klaus because if he was with the Gestapo, he would have been arrested by now.
"Alright. Answer me this. Why did you quarantine me with Shultz and Newkirk if you're so willing to help me?" Hogan demanded.
Kurt Klaus sighed, he knew he would have to explain himself, "Colonel, I had to quarantine you, Newkirk, and Sergeant Schultz because the Gestapo have been watching the hospital lately. I had to make sure all stories matched up if the Gestapo were interested in any.
Hogan nodded, knowing that it would make sense for the doctor's protection in the presence of the Gestapo.
"Well doc, what do we do then?"Hogan asked.
"Well Colonel. You are not to do anything. You are on quarantine for the rest of the week. I think you'll need it too, because there is another option for curing Polaris Extremis which I might have to use to avoid suspicion."
"And what is that, I might ask?" Hogan asked, suspicion rising.
"It is isolation for five to seven days in a green, freezing room while eating nothing but green food constantly until one is so sick of green food he/she is willing to eat any other color food at all." Dr. Klaus answered solemnly.
"How cold is the room?" Hogan asked casually.
"In degrees Fahrenheit, it would be approximately 17®
"Are you serious? Do I really have to do this?" Hogan all but yelled.
"Do I look like I joke about diagnoses? I would not tease you for any reason." Dr. Klaus replied somewhat sternly, "now, what is the information that Major Zimmer told you?"
Hogan told Dr. Klaus all that Major Zimmer had told him and then was taken back up to his hospital bed where he briefly got to tell Newkirk all that had happened, before Colonel Hogan was whisked away once again to another hospital room to face his five days in isolation.
Huh, I don't even get to be in the cooler at Stalag 13 for my isolation. The room would have been perfect for the requirement. Too bad the Gestapo is too interested in this hospital for me to skip this treatment. Hogan thought to himself as he started his boring quarantine while eating all the cabbage, celery, lettuce, and broccoli the hospital could get him while in a green room, in a green hospital gown, in a green hospital bed.
Meanwhile, on the next floor up, Dr. Klaus was getting all the provided information to London. He also called Stalag 13 once again that night to confirm that Schultz and Newkirk could go back the next day.
It is almost ironic Dr. Klaus thought to himself that Colonel Hogan picked the one disease out of my book that actually does have two different cures, which together, work faster. All the other diseases just call for extended bed rest, but no quarantine.
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5 DAYS LATER:
Hogan was let out of his cold, green isolation to go back to Stalag 13 being cured from Polaris Extremis with the extended quarantine. He was told by Dr. Klaus that the message had gotten through to London and all was well. Dr. Klaus realized that Hogan had a slight head cold from being in a freezing temperature without much protective gear, but diagnosed it as a virus, and it would go away with time. He suggested Tylenol for any aches, or headaches, but other than that, Hogan would be fine to leave.
Once Colonel Hogan was discharged from the hospital, he left the warm hallways to the cold outside. A cold front was moving through again, and it seemed to be the same temperature outside as the room he had just left. He snuggled deeper into his Bombers Jacket, which fit him much more snugly than it had in a while, thanks to the constant eating of green foods. Finally, in the car Klink decided to pick Hogan up in, Hogan waited for the heat to be turned on, which it eventually was. Colonel Hogan was very quiet, Klink noticed, as he drove through Hammelburg. He decided to just let Hogan enjoy the heat he had just been rewarded with. Klink was told about the treatment Hogan had to undergo and did not wish anybody to be in a freezing room for almost a whole week without protective gear. At least, in the cooler, he always allowed the men their winter gear before serving their sentence. Once they arrived at Stalag 13, Hogan saluted Klink and walked over to his barracks where a surprise 'welcome back celebration' was being held in Hogan's honor.
Klink smiled to himself as he walked back into his office. Being a spy was not always easy, as Colonel Hogan had learnt this week. Klink should know, as he was Nimrod.
The end.