TITLE: Mr. Noah Bear and Mr. Kurt Rabbit (Also Known As Crackfic of Epic Proportions
AUTHOR: Yours truly!
PAIRING: None really established, but I like to think of this as pre-Puck/Kurt. *evil chuckle*
RATING: T
SUMMARY: Based off of a dirty joke. Hate myself for it, but I can definitely see this as a universe I would continue to write.
A/N: I'm sorry, let me just say that first. But this was meant for me to get my mojo back and for some amusement on your behalf. Maybe an installment of Puck/Kurt dirty jokes…hmmm…the possibilities…
-.-.-.-
Mr. Noah Bear was a sexy bear. He loved himself, but more importantly, he loved sex. Especially sexy sex.
And because Mr. Noah Bear reminded everyone of this fact, Mr. Kurt Rabbit, with his perfect hair and voice that had all of the forest in awe of his awesomeness, hated the bear. Mr. Kurt Rabbit had far more class than Mr. Noah Bear, and would wrinkle his cute, button nose whenever he saw the muscular brown mammal.
It didn't help that the bear would snicker whenever he caught sight of the pale bunny and crack jokes about his love for the rather…phallic food choice.
It was obvious that Mr. Noah Bear and Mr. Kurt Rabbit didn't get along very well.
-.-.-.-
Ms. Rachel Bird was twittering in her nest. It was a very proud nest, high above the other less fabulous nests, and decorated with a pack of gold star stickers that a zealous camper forgot. She watched and chirped as the rest of the forest ran about below her.
Just as Ms. Rachel Bird was dragging her eyes from the blandness of watching Ms. Santana Mongoose and Ms. Brittany Mouse make out—again—to peek at her handsome new neighbor, Mr. Jesse Squirrel, she heard a scuffle beneath her.
Mr. Kurt Rabbit was flouncing away from a pack of beefy stags, led by Mr. Noah Bear. The group was laughing and calling the fluffy rabbit obscene names and Ms. Rachel Bird clucked in disapproval. She was about to flutter down to the debacle to reprimand the males when she noticed the look on Mr. Kurt Rabbit's face.
The pristine rabbit would usually seem annoyed by the antics, or appear holier-than-thou. Now, he just looked tired.
Ms. Rachel Bird remained in her glittery nest and kept an eye on the retreating figures, waiting to see something happen.
-.-.-.-
"You plebeians will never get over how much more spectacular I am than you, will you?" Mr. Kurt Bear weakly taunted to the stampede behind him, his powerful dancing legs propelling him just a little farther than the hooves and clawed paws of his pursuers.
Of course, he had a dream like this once, but the guys chasing him were far less rude and wanted to make use of his rabbit stamina in a decidedly…interesting way.
"What is going on here?" A voice rang out. Mr. Kurt Rabbit paused in mid-hop and froze, his tormentors skidding and falling over themselves to not crash into the angry mountain lioness in front of them.
Ms. Sue Lion stood before them and was not happy. Here she was, salivating over the meaty critters roaming around in front of here and watching Mr. Will Owl make an absolute tool out of himself when the noisy group of males came barreling towards her.
"Ms. Sue Lion!" Normally the group of stronger males would snicker over the squeak in Mr. Kurt Rabbit's voice, but they didn't dare make a noise in front of the elder female who had a particular streak of neutering male mammals.
"Now, who started this?" The lioness roared, annoyed that her day was ruined. The herd of stags dashed off, leaving behind Mr. Noah Bear and Mr. Kurt Rabbit, who were alternating between glaring at each other and cowering under Ms. Sue Lion's stare.
"You two, go off and find me some berries to make up for the atrocity of the image of you two bickering like young cubs. Hurry, before I take my paw and shove through your furry skulls."
The two mammals scurried off down a path, away from the retreating Ms. Sue Lion.
-.-.-.-
"Queer."
"Cougar bait."
"The sun shines out of your damn ass."
"Then you're proof that even a turd can be polished."
"So that makes me polished?"
"You're as bright as a rusty nail."
"And you're just charming." Mr. Noah Bear replied, while darting his brown eyes around the dark woods. "I think we're lost."
"Wait, what?"
"I. Think. We're-"
"Shut up, I heard you the first time! How can we be lost?"
"If I knew that, we wouldn't be lost, now would we?"
Mr. Kurt Rabbit scowled at the snarky bear and turned in a circle. None of the trees looked familiar, and he wasn't sure how long they had been walking. Ever since they were out of Ms. Sue Lion's sight they had started insulting each other.
"How do—"
"Oh look here!" A new voice called out, followed by a croak. Mr. Noah Bear spun around—in a completely manly way—and bared his teeth to the stranger. Mr. Kurt Rabbit rolled his eyes and watched the odd golden frog that sat on a rock.
"Who're you?" He asked. The golden frog grinned, showing his yellowed teeth.
"I'm Mr. Sandy Frog, and no one comes to visit me anymore." The frog whined, throwing his hands up in the air. Mr. Noah Bear scoffed, "I wonder why."
Mr. Kurt Rabbit glared at the bear from the corner of his eye and shushed his traveling companion.
"Mind you, whenever I do meet someone, I give them six wishes." Mr. Sandy Frog said out of the blue.
Mr. Kurt Rabbit arched an eyebrow and wondered why the hell a frog would be giving away wishes, and could only end up with the fact that this was a sad, pitiful amphibian.
"Oh!" Mr. Sandy Frog squealed, clapping his toed hands together in excitement, "You can each get three wishes then!"
Mr. Noah Bear paused and grinned. Three wishes? There were so many things the studly bear could wish for!
"Alright then!" The large bear exclaimed, ignoring the protests of "You're actually going along with this nonsense?" from Mr. Kurt Rabbit. "I wish…that all the other bears in the forest were females."
Mr. Sandy Frog giggled and acquiesced, and Mr. Kurt Rabbit gagged. While there weren't many bears in the forest to begin with, Mr. Noah Bear didn't need any more sources for sex. He'd be going on and on about his 'conquests' for days, and even though Mr. Noah Bear and Mr. Kurt Rabbit didn't want to be around each other for an extended period of time, they were usually in the surrounding area of the other. The white rabbit didn't think he could handle that much nauseating ego in one place.
But three wishes? It wasn't a particularly bad idea, and Mr. Sandy Frog was watching the smaller male eagerly, waiting for a wish to grant.
"Umm…"
"C'mon, just wish for some sparkly scarf or something!" Mr. Noah Bear so rudely interrupted. Mr. Kurt Rabbit was sure that no one could ever say the mammal was patient, especially when he wanted something.
"Humph. I wish…for a crash helmet." A bright blue crash helmet appeared in his paws, and in devious joy, Mr. Kurt Rabbit placed it on his head.
The bear stared at him strangely, before returning his gaze to the third party of this conversation.
A lecherous grin stretched over his face. "I wish that all of the bears in the surrounding forests were female!" Mr. Sandy Frog nodded. "Granted."
Mr. Kurt Rabbit grimaced at the thought and mumbled something along the lines of how Mr. Noah Bear's dick would fall off. However, he brightened considerably.
"I wish for a motorcycle!" Mr. Noah Bear watched in amazement and confusion as a large silver motorbike appeared from thin air and scoffed in disbelief as Mr. Kurt Rabbit deftly hopped on.
"I can't believe it. You totally wasted a wish, bunny boy." The only response he got was a revved engine. The bear looked to Mr. Sandy Frog for agreement, but the damn frog only shrugged his shoulders. The bear shook his head and sighed.
"Whatever. And last but not least, I wish…that every other bear in the world was female!" At this point, the frog looked a little disturbed but Mr. Noah Bear didn't care in the slightest. Oh, think of all the sex he would have! He'd travel the continents, keeping the bear species alive, meeting up with foreign bears left and right. And to just think about those Asian pandas…mmm…
"Done." Mr. Sandy Frog replied. "Now for the last wish."
The bear and frog turned to Mr. Kurt Rabbit, who was still atop his motorcycle, and engine roaring.
The bunny grinned. He revved the engine once more but seemed to pause for a second. The other two leaned forward, eager to see what else the eccentric rabbit would wish for. The grin turned devious as the rabbit nodded to him.
Mr. Kurt Rabbit stared the bear straight in the eye as he finally completed his last wish.
"I wish Mr. Noah Bear was gay!"
And that was how Mr. Noah Bear stared horrified at Mr. Kurt Rabbit, who cackled and sped away on his new motorcycle, escaping the bear. Mr. Sandy Frog patted him on the shoulder with his slimy arm. As a tingly sensation spread through his torso, Mr. Noah Bear bemoaned his loss of sex while realizing how…cute the white rabbit was…
-.-.-.-
Ms. Rachel Bird and Mr. Jesse Squirrel fell out of the nest they 'inhabited' in due to the force of an enraged roar. They straightened their feathers and fur respectively, and went back to nuzzling, ignoring the annoyed mountain lioness as she growled to herself.
"Where the hell are my berries?"
-.-.-.-
Told you it was crack. I feel exceptionally high now that I'm done writing it. But three cheers if you know which joke I'm talking about!
Would you like to see a dirty-joke Puck/Kurt universe? You know, crack based off of random filthy jokes? I should probably start researching for my AU!history Puck/Kurt but right now I can't really be bothered (sorry).
Oh, by the way, how many angry jealous Puck fics should I expect when Season 2 of Glee comes out (along with Kurt's new boyfriend) because I'll need to starve myself beforehand so I can read it all?
Now all someone needs to do is draw this situation…