Kai Bearslayer had been trekking down the sun-parched path for almost a whole thirty minutes when her complaints became louder and more frequent, even though she was entirely alone to the few woodlanders and vermin who caught glimpse of her. She wasn't very hard to spot anyways, since there were no known Alsatian dogs in all Mossflower country. Actually, there were no dogs in Mossflower, the only one that existed was only briefly mentioned during a rather long line of dialogue and never made a bodily appearance. In his or her honor, and maybe because her fursona is a dog, Kai was created, okay edited slightly so she would fit into the Redwall-iverse, by her author who also goes by Kai, to have a canine character that wasn't a wolf. The Author; we'll just call her that to not get her confused with the star of our tale, doesn't like wolves very much even though they were the main characters for some of her original works and her art.
The Author stopped liking wolves after one fateful day on deviantArt whenhdaohof...
Content lost due to consistent rambling that matters very little to the story.
...and that is why you should never eat plain ricotta cheese. Anyways Kai the star of our tale stared blankly at The Author before coming to a complete, albeit sudden and painful halt, her face nearly pushed flat into a giant red wall. The Author laughed at her own pun, you see, because it's Redwall Abbey, and she called it a red... wall. Okay, fine! Don't laugh. Geez, everyone's a critic. The Author folded her arms and pouted for a second, then unfolded them to continue.
Asterisks and ampersands flew from Kai's mouth. No literally, the symbols that come up when you hit Shift and press the top row of numbers on a keyboard erupted from Kai's mouth. She coughed up the last few asterisks, which had clumped together in her gullet when she said the words that needed them. Bear in mind that this will happen whenever someone says something vulgar, the worse the word, the more 'HIT SHIFT, SLAM NUMBERS' symbols will spew forth from their mouths like a bulimic after an all you can eat special. Wow, that was a terrible comparison.
Kai made a sour face and hung her tongue out, trying to get the taste of the number symbol that had forced its way up after the cluster of asterisks was gone. Kai looked up, and asked herself a question that made even the toughest, most savage brute shudder in fear when she dare speak it. "Who put this brick wall here?" The sound of her voice ringing out over the wall she collided with had caught the attention of a rather confused squirrel. The squirrel, who The Author decided to name Chucky for good measure, cupped his handpaws over his mouth. "This 'brick wall' was put here by a heroic mouse known as Martin the Warrior after the fall of an evil wildcat's empire! Also, welcome to Redwall Abbey! My name is Chucky, but you probably already knew that because you and The Author are pretty much the same person. D'you want me to let you in?" Kai called back to Chucky, who she had already begun to be annoyed by. "Yeah, I'd like that! I've been holding it in for about a half an hour and it already feels like my kidneys are going to force themselves out of my body and run away!" Chucky stared for a moment, perplexed by both Kai's comment and appearance, being like most, if not all Redwallers and never having seen a dog before. The squirrel shrugged and ran to the gatehouse. What's the worst this seemingly mentally stable visitor can do?
After a much needed bathroom break and washing, Kai had met with Father Abbot Mortimer and Badgermum Constance, telling them about herself much to Constance's dismay, the badger knew she wasn't going to like the dog. Kai had come from a far-off land The Author was to lazy to name where her father had ruled with a gentle yet iron fist. The title 'Bearslayer' had originated from the first king of the land, Antonio, who had battled the bear who claimed the land as his own. Armed with only a crossbow and a long dagger, the dog King had successfully managed to kill the bear and immediately started the construction of his kingdom. Every so many seasons a bear would be captured for sport, where it would be chased down and eventually killed by those who could afford it, including the current ruler's children. Kai, being the only child of King Johannes, was chosen. Like the King Antonio, Kai and the other contestants were given a suit of armor and a helmet to protect themselves from the bear, and a crossbow and dagger. Being a bit foolish, and by 'a bit', The Author meant that Kai was really REALLY stupid, Kai decided that a helmet wasn't necessary and refused to wear it. During the competition, Kai had the bear cornered and was ready to end it, her crossbow and its bolt poised for the kill. Then, like a flash of lightning, the wounded bear struck, knocking the side of Kai's head with its massive paw. Had the bear not of been in a weakened state and its claws not sawed off, Kai would've been killed.
She had been unconscious for a while, when she came to she was greeted by two strangers who soon came to be her best friends.
"Strangers?" The badgermum had poured another cup of tea for the Alsatian, who sucked it down heartily. "Ah... That's the stuff," Kai sighed as she held the cup above her nose. Constance eyed the Abbot a few times, the old mouse patted her handpaw caringly. "Oh! I almost forgot to introduce you." Kai nearly knocked the chair over when she stood. Running over to one area of the room The Author referred to as the Tapestry room as the tapestry of Martin the Warrior hung in there. Kai wrapped her arm around what was nothing to Constance and Father Abbot, but was the largely muscular torso of a white and silver husky looking dog to her. "This is Hermes, he looks rather big and scary, but he's a real softy." To Kai, it looked like Hermes was kneeling to allow her into the knapsack he wore, Kai reached in, shuffled a bit and with a triumphant 'Aha!' She saw she held a very small puffy looking dog, a Pomeranian, and held her in her arms like a babe. "And this here is Mindy. She's like Hermes over there, but the exact opposite. She's a lot stronger than she looks!" Kai laughed warmly and she playfully pushed Mindy's nose. Constance leaned into Father Abbot's ear when Kai had turned around . "Father, I don't mean to speak ill of a guest but... I don't like this act she's pulling." Abbot Mortimer nodded, his old wrinkled face was stuck in a perplexed expression. But mostly this scared the Hellgates out of the both of them. Kai dismissed her 'companions' and sat back down. The Abbot cleared his throat to break the awkward silence that was overcoming the room. "Well... Tell me, my child, what is your reason for being here at our Abbey."
"I'm here to warn you of an upcoming attack."
"WHAT?" Abbot Mortimer and Constance shouted in unison, and where nearly synchronized when they rocketed out of their chairs. Even the abbey beasts who were eavesdropping on the conversation had announced their surprise. For the sake of humor, The Author even had Martin's picture on the Tapestry sputter.
"What kind of army? Who is it? Where are they coming from?" The questions came out at a mile a minute. Kai tried to explain, but the shock of a possible attack was overwhelming. "It's hard to explain, but I'll try as best as I can to do so." She poured herself another cup of tea and waited for the two to recompose themselves. They apologized immensely. "No no, I'm sorry for mentioning it. Y'see," Kai set her cup on the table and leaned over it so her elbows wear flat against the wood surface. "This isn't a normal army, per say. It isn't one with beasts but... something so sinister, not even Vulpuz himself would let them into Hellgates when they arrived." Kai's voice was a haunting whisper. The Abbot and Badgermum leaned in closer to listen as she spoke. "And what are these beasts you speak of?" Kai looked into both of their faces, once a picture of fear was replaced with a childlike curiosity.
Then Kai answered.
Somewhere miles away, two rats and a weasel sat around a bonfire watching a pot of something that looked rotten but didn't smell it simmer over the flames. The weasel sighed heavily and lay on the grass, looking up at the sky and making pictures out of clouds that passed by. He lifted a handpaw and pointed. "That 'un looks like a frog." One rat, a dull red in fur color and even had a redish tint on his teeth, scrunched his nose as he looked over at the other rat, who was blissfully staring into the pot and licking his lips, giggling like the idiot he was. The red rat rolled his eyes and stood up to go do something stupid, like make a toothpick launcher or go to a Moss-Mart and bum around, maybe play some Moss-Mart bingo while he was there. He was only three and seven-eighths steps in when a ridiculously gigantic rat stormed out of his tent, he roared at the rat, who had given up on his adventure in Moss-Mart. The gigantic rat's voice was middle-pitched but it had a Spanish sounding accent to it so it didn't matter. The Author reread the previous statement and scratched her head before announcing that it had nothing to do with anything ever except to describe his voice. Anyways, back to the story.
The giant rat roared. "Who stole my eye-patch?" If the reader couldn't tell that this rat was Cluny the Scourge, then they either didn't read the original Redwall or weren't paying very much attention to the previous sentences. Cluny was in one of those 'don't mess with me or your insidey parts will become outsidey parts' kind of moods to no beasts' shock or surprise. Especially today, which was like any typical Tuesday, only Cluny was missing something that red rat, who is Redtooth by the way, just couldn't put his finger on. He stared at his fuming chief and examined the large battle-scarred rat's features. Then it hit him! Redtooth stood up and puffed his chest out proudly. "Err... uhh," He paused, Cluny turned his head slowly to acknowledge his horde beast. Redtooth blinked before choosing the right words to avoid having his weak point hit for massive damage. "...Nice haircut? Oooffff!" Like a football player trying to make a field goal, the Scourge ran over and punted Redtooth, who went flying head over tail over the woods, into the sky, and then finally into orbit. The Author hoped Redtooth wouldn't suffocate while he was up there, or land on something hard when; by which The Author meant if, he started falling.
If this were a cartoon, Cluny would have steam shooting from his ears, but since it's not a cartoon it would be impossible to see and understand, but The Author was pretty sure that the readers would get the fact that somebeast wasn't a very happy camper. He stormed over towards the daydreaming weasel, Killconey, and snarled. Cluny's voice was a threatening whisper and he spoke as if each word was a sentence. "Where. Is. My. Eye-patch?" Killconey gulped, he had never seen Cluny so angry before nor had he seen what he looked like without his eyepatch, which was like looking at someone who always wore glasses take them off; weird but you'd still be able to recognize them out of a police line up if they were in police custody. This was no exception for the Scourge, who's eye had been taken by a pike who must've had a death wish, after it took the eye Cluny quickly retaliated by beating it to death with a metal pole and his notoriously long tail. Cluny was preparing to throw the terrified weasel on the ground to go interrogate the rest of his five-hundred or so hordebeasts when he felt a paw tap his broad shoulder. The rat turned and before he could say anything the beast who had gotten his attention had handed him a large black strip of cloth, which Cluny immediately recognized as his eye-patch and plucked it from the beast's handpaw, hiding the jubilation behind a disgruntled mask. "Thanks, I don't think I've-" He stopped as he was halfway through tying the cloth around his head when he saw the face of the beast, who was obviously a female, who had returned it to him. She was a rat with features unmatched by even the most beautiful sunrise and sunset and Aphrodite if they had a baby together, her eyes were literally the size of grapefruits and were the colors of a double rainbow after a light rain in the month of February and her eyelashes looked like they could slice open a cantaloupe. Her fur was a brilliant golden-yellow, the same color as the sun as it was in the sky on nine forty-five and twelve seconds on a Thursday morning during the summer solstice and it had the same blinding effect as wearing a blindfold for a month, then going to the beach and having someone point your face at were the sun is and then suddenly undoing that blindfold while forcing your eyes open to stare at both the giant ball of fire in the sky and then parade you around the beach, which was actually a nude beach for seniors and you spot your wrinkly old grandpa emerge from the briny ocean water and strut around like he was a male model. If that didn't leave a disturbing mental image, The Author had failed in her attempt to leave a disturbing mental image. Cluny stared at the female rat for a second, his good eye bouncing to and fro at the faces of his horde, all the rats were either so awestruck they forgot how to blink and their eyes shriveled up like raisins or had decided to use her sun-like glow to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He suddenly regretted kicking Redtooth into the atmosphere for some reason. Then the female rat spoke, her voice was so soft that it put the stuff inside the teddy-bear Cluny hid under his pillow to shame.
"My name is Roseyanna Lilytail Prettyface Lovelyblossom, and I love you Cluny." Roseyanna grabbed the Scourge by his ears and forced him into a kiss that he didn't want. The kiss lasted for almost a minute, when Cluny was free from her grip he did the most rational thing he could possibly do in that situation: scream like a little pansy girl and run away crying for his mamma. "Wait!" Roseyanna called out, her eyelashes batting sweetly and diamonds fell from her eyes as if they were tears. Oh wait, they were tears. "We only want to love you!" She wept as an entire army of beasts similar to her emerged from everywhere at once, running over to horde beasts, telling them their names, and forcing them into kisses.
"My name is Glitzy Glamourous Lovelyhair Daffodilsword, and I love you Fangburn."
"My name is Selene Immasopretty, and I love you Cheesethief."
The Author assumed it was time to continue with the story, so she did. As if on cue, each horde beast turned tail and fled, following their chief through the thicket and woods of Mossflower country, also screaming. Cluny was a good few yards ahead of his horde, this was the first time he had ever run away from something and it stung that he was running away from a bunch of blindingly beautiful females who could be of use, if you know what he was implying. Then it hit him as though he had smashed his face into a very out of place horse and cart. Upon realization, it was discovered that Cluny had in fact plowed himself square on the back of a horse-drawn cart. Without hesitation, he climbed in, the rest of his horde had just caught up and were starting to hop aboard. Once he was certain every one of them was accounted for, he whipped the horse's rump with his tail. The horse was at first annoyed, rolling his eyes at the feeling. That was until he turned his head and noticed a bright neon pink and green My Little Pony-esque mare standing next to him. She whinnied, the reflection of the light on her teeth got into his eyes. He reared up and darted, not because he was spooked, but because he knew what she was, and he even heard the sounds of others like her not too far behind. In a mindless frenzy, the horse ran. He ran from the beasts so foul, the beasts so unspeakably evil, the beasts so... perfect in every way possible.
Yes, folks. The horse and army were escaping the cold and unforgiving handpaws of the Mary-Sue.