I couldn't even begin to describe what I was feeling. Casey Cartwright's hands moved with hypnotic slowness down my chest, her fingers bumping over each of my ribs individually. Her hands were so soft, like velvet against my skin, and so hot. The warmth was nearly burning my flesh.
Her eyes locked with mine as she slid her arms around my waist and pulled her body into me, her breasts arching into my chest, making it difficult for me to breath, or maybe that was the feeling of her mouth against the side of my neck. Her warm breath skirted over my skin, her lips biting, nipping and licking every inch of me she could get to.
She was pushing at me, walking me backwards until I could feel the soft firmness of my mattress against the backs of my knees. I sucked in a sharp breath as her nails dragged across the contours of my back.
Then I was falling and she was with me, holding to my shoulders as we tumbled for the bed. Just as I felt the comfort of my mattress below me...
I woke with a start, like you do when you dream your falling and wake at the moment of impact, that exact moment when your dreaming mind tells you all your bones should be shattered.
It was her again, haunting even my dreams, as if she wasn't already in my every waking thought. I couldn't seem to get away from her.
Well, beer helped. But only for a while. Then there she was, like she had never left, taunting me, teasing me, driving me over the edge of insanity. Sex helped a bit as well, but again only for a little while. Then there was either the awkward kicking out in the middle of the night, unless I happened to fall asleep immediately after, in that case, it was the awkward kicking out the next morning. But still, sex always lead to me having to kick someone out at some point. I actually preferred to do it in the middle of the night. That way no one was around when I mumbled her name in my sleep, as I've been told, by a number of girls rather loudly, I do.
I sat up and tried to disengage myself from the tangled mess my blue comforter had made around my waist. It was a difficult battle. But finally, I triumphantly pushed it away with my foot.
Sleep would no longer be mine tonight. It was as evasive as the woman causing it's departure. This was not something new or foreign to me. I had spent many nights just as I was spending this one, sitting on the side of my bed, head in hands, and the feel of her hands still on me. It was becoming a problem, a serious problem. More importantly, it was threatening the carefree lifestyle I'd worked so hard to build and maintain.
I had to get the woman out of my head. After the ceremony on the lawn with Evan and all his brothers and her and all her sisters, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her. It was like I could still see every detail every time I closed my eyes. He was leaning into her, fastening that damned chain around her neck like a collar or a noose. I'm sure that wasn't how either of them saw it and I'm equally sure that if it had been my letters on the chain I would see it differently as well, but still...
Maybe the whole thing wouldn't hurt quite so badly if it hadn't been Evan, freaking Chambers. Maybe I could have accepted her being with someone other than me if it was someone that deserved her, but he didn't and I couldn't. Not that my accepting it made any difference at all.
The problem was that Chambers always got everything he wanted handed to him on a silver platter straight from Daddy's bank account. And as much as I hated to think about it, I had my suspicions that he had gotten Casey more because of that bank account than his winning charms. It made me shutter to think that she was really that shallow. I thought I knew her better than that.
I shook my head, no, I knew I knew her better than that. This thing with Evan was so unlike the Casey I met freshman year. We had made fun of people like Evan and Frannie, running around posturing and comparing trust funds all the time. We had laughed and teased and thought it was hilarious that some people had nothing more important in there lives than their money.
But if that was really how she felt, how could she be with him, the king of the posturing, spoiled rich kids ? How could she turn into everything we hated so much ? How could she live with herself after selling out so completely ?
Maybe she had me snowed. Maybe she really was everything she had become and all the times we shared that first year were her lying to herself and me. It was possible, I supposed, but then why ? People like that don't so things without a motive. What could her motive have been for making me fall so completely for her ?
Then the look in her eyes the first time she said she loved me came to my mind in crystal clear, Technicolor color and I was certain she hadn't been lying to herself or to me. She had loved me. She had wanted me. I just couldn't figure out what I did to cause all that to change.
Standing, I stretched as far as my body would let me. The tension easing from my shoulders and back caused a heady feeling and I stumbled forward a few steps. I loved stretching. I loved that almost dizzying rush that happened when all your muscles release at the same instant. The relaxed feeling you get when you return to your normal posture, it was one of the little things that I really loved. And yawning, yawning was great. An all out exchange of good air for bad, a clearing away of the bad things and opening up for the new. Yawning was good, too.
Stretching and yawning, two of my favorite morning exercises. I've learned through trial and error and much strife in my life, that you have to appreciate the little things. They are the things that get us by, day after dreary day.
The little things, the thought made me smile, another little thing I really enjoyed. But the idea brought images to my mind that I wasn't sure I really wanted to examine for too long. The little things, like how Casey liked to wake me up in the morning by nibbling on my ear. Or how she liked to lay out all her clothes for the next day the night before so she could linger in bed just a tad longer in the morning. Or how she smelled of lilac and jasmine when she came to bed due to the lotion that I throughly enjoyed watching her put on. Or the way the moonlight coming in from the blinds touched her cheek and made it glow with a luminescence that I would never be able to forget.
She talked once about rearranging the room, said if we moved things around we would have more space. But I flatly refused. The bed had to stay just where it was. I cherished that image, the one of her sleeping and the moonlight touching her cheek. There was no way I was going to lose that. I never told her why I didn't want to move the bed. She assumed I was just to lazy to want to move everything around. In retrospect, I should have explained it. The fight we had over it probably wouldn't have been so bad if she had known the real reason.
Oh well, chalk that one up to stupid male pride. I chalked a lot of things up to that actually. I always wondered if I had told her what I was thinking every time she asked me, if things would have been different. Especially since just about every time she asked me what I was thinking, I was thinking about how much I loved her, how lucky I was to have her, or how unbelievably beautiful she was.
Yeah, I bet that knowledge might have changed things between us.
But us men being, well men, we just weren't equipped to haul off and spill things like that. I wondered if Chambers did things like that. Told her he loved her for no apparent reason. Let her know that despite the fact that they were standing in an art gallery, surrounded by the most beautiful works of art from the masters of their craft, he couldn't stop looking at her. I wondered if he told her every chance he got that his world was a dark, decimate place before she brought life into it.
Then I wondered if that was how he felt. Did he truly appreciate what it was to have Casey sharing his life ? I was fairly certain he didn't. He certainly didn't act like he did. To cheat on her. How could you cheat on someone like Casey ? How could you even want anyone else if you had her ?
It was her reaction to the incident that really had me puzzled. The Casey I loved would have been outraged, worse than outraged. She certainly wouldn't forgive someone for that. But the new Casey just quietly got her revenge and moved on like the thing had never happened. If it had been me, I'm sure she never would have forgiven me. Hell I'm pretty sure I would have come away from the incident with scars. But not the golden boy, not precious Evan. He was able to disrespect her in the worse way possible and still get to hold her at night while she slept.
Life was decidedly not fair. It wasn't an outlook I normally adopted. I liked to be much more bright and cheerful and upbeat, but lately it seemed the universe was purposely driving this point home for me. Making sure I didn't miss this important message.
Well, universe, guess what ? I got it. I heard this one loud and clear. No need for further demonstration.
As I stepped into the hall and headed to the bathroom for a shower and shave, I seriously doubted the universe was listening. My guess was it wasn't up to me to decide when the lesson was learned.
I turned with my back to the shower head and let the hot water pulsate against my sore muscles. Sore muscles, you ask ? Well, floor hockey was the answer and after yesterday's rousing match, I was feeling the affects of only playing sports seriously a few times a year, beer pong didn't count.
We lost, by the way. To the Omega Chi's of all things and that hadn't exactly put a spring in my step. Did he have to win everything ? Couldn't he just be happy with having the most important thing and leave me the rest, kind of a consolation prize. Not that winning something as stupid as a game could really be any consolation, but it would have been nice.
My other problem was Christmas. It was just around the corner, a week in fact. I had all my shopping done. That wasn't the problem. I was expecting a phone call from my folks, letting me know if they were going to be home in time from visiting some friends of their's in Turkey or Peru or somewhere like that. If they weren't I would be stuck on campus with everyone else going about their vacations, nestled away with their little families, enjoying all the holidays had to offer, while I was sitting around drinking eggnog alone.
It actually sounded like the perfect end to a less than stellar year. I could practically see the universe sitting on high somewhere above, laughing it's collective ass off at my expense.
Going home wouldn't have been that great anyway. I reasoned as I hung up the phone and sighed heavily, later that morning. My parents, not exactly the hallmarks of responsibility.
" What's up ? " Rusty asked coming up behind me and patting my shoulder. He was wearing, of all things, a cap with a sprig of mistletoe jutting from the brim with a pair of huge, elf ears sticking off the sides, and a t-shirt that read, Wanna play some reindeer games ? Ah,. My protégées, I had taught him well.
My smile was full of pride as I clapped him on the shoulder and walked with him back to the den where the festivities where beginning. The end of term parties were comencing all over campus. This was our annual Christmas party.
" I see that you're just bursting with the holiday spirit. " I commented on his attire.
" Yeah, I want to have some fun before I go home this weekend. " he announced.
" Going back to Chicago for some fun and merriment with kith and kin ? " I asked. I think I did an excellent job of keeping the jealousy out of my voice.
" I don't know about merriment but their will be kith and kin. " he smiled weakly. " What about you, big plans for the break ? "
I shrugged trying to be as nonchalant as possible. " My parents are backpacking with friends through South America. I guess I'm just gonna hang out here. "
His face was shocked as he looked for any sign that I was upset about this prospect. " Alone ? You can't spend Christmas alone. "
" Believe me, It won't be the first Christmas I've spent alone. " I forced a smile. " And with my parents, bless them, but it won't be the last. "
" But how can they leave you alone at Christmas ? "
" Rusty, my folks do their own thing. I have a lot of respect for them because of that, but it comes with some unpleasant side effects sometimes. " I looked away from his searching eyes. " I'll be fine. I really don't mind. We've never done the traditional Christmas thing anyway. "
We made our way to the worn out, thread bare couch and sat. " What do you mean, you've never done the traditional Christmas thing ? " he asked after a minute.
I sighed. I hadn't really wanted to get into all this, especially not with him. Not that I didn't really like Rusty. He was becoming one of my very best friends and I didn't put many people into that category. It was just that talking about the whole thing made it all more real and I didn't want to do that. I was perfectly happy just pretending like it wasn't really a special time of year and going on about my life.
" I mean, we don't do the tree thing, or really the present thing for that matter. My folks are vegetarians, so we don't kill a turkey or a goose or whatever it is you're suppose to eat. We don't sing carol or decorate the house with blazing lights. " I explained.
He looked completely confused. " Then what do you do ? "
" Well, " I shrugged. " You know, we have a yule log and sit around it telling stories of Christmas' past and about how it used to mean something more than it does now that the capitalist pigs have turned it into an excuse to line their pockets, you know that kind of thing. "
He laughed. " You're joking right ? Now I know you're just putting me on. "
I shook my head. " No that really is what we do. "
" So you've never had a Christmas tree or presents or Santa Claus ? " He really wasn't understanding what I was saying to him.
" No, we never did. " I confirmed.
" Every year, we have a huge tree and more presents than will fit under it and my aunts and uncles and all my cousins come over and Uncle Joe dresses as Santa and we sing carols and eat until we feel like we're going to explode. "
I could practically see the visions of sugar plums dancing in his eyes as he continued on and on about his families traditions.
Okay, there was no hiding it anymore. I was jealous, as hell. It sounded like one of those cards or a Hallmark movie. It was almost disgusting in its utter cuteness.
" You should come home with me. " he announced suddenly.
I sat back and looked at him. My mind immediately jumped to Casey and how much she would not like that turn of events. " No way, Spitter. Casey would kill me before the first round of Fa La La's. "
" Casey is going to Aspen with Evan. She isn't going to be there. " he informed me. " And it doesn't matter whether she likes it or not. You're my friend. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be alone. "
" I'm sure she wouldn't care if I was alone or not actually. But if she won't be there, then she can't have a problem with it. " I wanted to go. I really wanted to experience, just once, all the things he was describing. " I'm in, if it's all right with your folks. "
" I'll call them, but I'm sure it'll be okay. " he said, standing and running for the phone.
Maybe it wouldn't be such a lousy end to the year after all, I thought as someone shoved a cup of lethal eggnog into my empty hand and wished me a Happy New Year.