Disclaimer: Still don't own them... if I did... K/S would be canon (oh wait, it practically is!) and Scotty and Uhura would make beautiful babies.
A/N: I hate angst bunnies... They've had me trapped all night, writing story after story about Jim and how much his life sucks, but also how awesome it is. So maybe it was an angsty happy bunny? Not sure... but this is a weird one, even for me.
Pairing: None at all
Summary: Wasn't that what being a father really meant?
Jim Kirk didn't have a paternal bone in his body; until he became Captain of the Enterprise. Suddenly he was in charge of nearly 1000 lives, people that depended on him to see that they stayed safe and happy. It was daunting and humbling. He had been the playboy, never caring about anyone or anything that didn't further his own goals, and he was thrust into this position of power and authority, a position that he could have easily taken advantage of.
He never had the urge to do so, however. These people depended on him, and the feeling was like nothing he'd imagined, nothing like he'd even tried o feel in every leadership exercise he'd ever participated in. He realized that this must have been what his father felt, for those 12 minutes, and felt closer to the man he'd never met than ever before.
And everyone, even him, seemed to hold their collective breath for the entire first year he was Captain, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to break, to screw up. It was only after a failed mission that he really understood his burden, when he lost two security officers and has to tell their family members what happened. The families didn't blame him, but their grief made it harder to sleep, made him blame himself in their stead.
Admiral Pike finally got him to sit down long enough to talk, and changes his burden yet again, making him learn the tightrope he must walk as Captain, the line he has to toe to be functional. The talk made him realize that he wasn't alone, that his 'Senior' crew was there to support him, and had been trying desperately, all of them, to make him see what he was missing.
And it was still so damn hard, even years later, not to retreat and pull the world onto his shoulders, to feel like every single failure, great or small, was his fault. He was never able to lose that feeling, even after he nearly died himself, trying to prevent a catastrophe, and Pike said that made him a better Captain, a better man, than anyone he ever met.
And Jim finally learned the true secret to being a Captain; love. Love for the ship and its crew, a love that would never falter or fail. And love that was returned whole-heartedly, making him feel like he could never have a better family, ever, than these people that made him care more about them than his own life.
And wasn't that what being a father really meant?
A/N: Holy crap, not sure what the heck that was... I need to stop watching dance movies with a notebook nearby, because they all seem to make me write these... AngstFluff hybrids that even I don't understand.
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