Story: Regretting It
Disclaimer: JKR owns them. i just like to play.
"Take a minute to let it sink in, to let it flow through your veins, to feel it when you breathe." His voice was soft as it whispered to her. "Close your eyes and listen to your heart pound against your chest, feel your breathing become unsteady." She trembled. "I want you to feel it, with every inch of your body, and I want you to know what I am going to do to you." He grabbed her wrists and pulled her close to him. "I know you have wanted this for a long time. Did you ever think I'd agree to give you what you craved?" She shook her head. "But I'm going to my dear sweet girl. I am going to give you the thing you have dreamed about and when it's all over you'll wish it hadn't been me."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
She wished she could forget his words, whispered at the very heart of darkness and into her ear. She wished she could forget the way she melted into his body, the way she kissed him eagerly, and the way she screamed with pleasure at his touch. But she couldn't forget. Or maybe she wouldn't. In that one moment they had stopped being enemies, stopped hating each other, and they became one. It was the single most explosive moment of her life. She didn't even regret giving him her virginity, not like he said she would. No the only regret she had was that she didn't go with her heart.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
He stood in front of the window with a cigarette in his hands. His white hair hung down on his shoulders which led to the pale expanse of his chest. The moonlight gleamed against his skin as if he was made of marble, a perfect replica of a man. He turned slightly, letting his cold gray eyes look at her lying in bed. "I warned you," he said softly. There was no fighting here, no deep voice tricks to make her fear him.
"I don't care," she said and the realization that she meant it flashed in her eyes. "If there's nothing left after the war, at least I will have this night and this moment."
He sighed and leaned his head against the window. "Only you can make tragedy seem so wonderful." She wanted to say something to him, she wanted to wipe the fear out of his eyes, but she stayed in the bed. This was not the time for emotion, not the time to proclaim love and ask him to change. "When the war is over," he said more to the window then to her, "will that make it all the better? Could you forgive yourself after the war is over, blame it on me or a spell?"
"I wouldn't do that," she said as she sat up. "I don't regret this and I don't regret you. If all I have is this night, the night when two enemies placed everything aside, then I will be okay. But I will never damage it by changing the facts. I came here on my own, with no spell and no threats. I wanted to lay with you because of my own desire, not just yours."
He laughed but it held only pain. "One day, maybe, I just might make you pay for those words."
She smiled, knowing that he wouldn't see it. "I'll watch for you then."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
She leaned against the table, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. As she had promised, she never damaged the night they had had. She kept it locked away in her mind and heart, only to visit it when she dreamed. But she had long ago stopped looking for him. She knew that they were just words, spoken in the dark amidst the shadow of fear. She knew that it was just that night that made him say those things. But somewhere in the deepest part of her heart, she wept. She wept for him, that scared little boy lost in a world far too dangerous and hard. She let herself think of him at that moment and wonder where he was. She didn't even know if he was alive.
"Hermione, did you hear me?" The voice of Harry rang through her ears, shattered her dreams and the image of the pale figure in the moonlight.
"No, I am sorry Harry. What were you saying?" Hermione reached for the coffee in front of her, anything to wake her from the dreamlike state she had been in.
Harry sighed. More and more he saw Hermione waking up in these weird states, her head in the clouds and the look of pain on her face. "I said, are you ready for the big day?"
Hermione smiled and nodded her head but on the inside she felt shame. It wasn't exactly a promise she had made with him all those years ago, but something about it made her wish she wasn't doing what she was about to do. After five years of holding off Ron advances, after searching for any sign that her lover would come back to her, she finally gave up fighting. She told Ron yes to marriage and tried to leave him behind. But here she was, on the day of her wedding, wanting nothing more than to escape into dream and see him again. "I have to get ready," she said to Harry.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
"One day, you will regret this day." He had turned back to her with coldness in his eyes. He was preparing to leave and hurting her would make it easier.
"You can say what you want; you can take your words and stab me with them. You can turn away from me in disgust and anger, but you cannot hurt me. I won't make this easy on you; I won't help you walk away like this." She said with defiance.
He didn't respond and she knew why. He didn't know how to leave without hurting her. Some small part in her wanted to play along and make it easy on him. But she knew that she would be plagued with this night for the rest of her life. She would always see and remember him as this man, the man that held her, the man that kissed her, and the man that made love to her. She knew that he wanted her to remember him as the bastard that made her cry so many times before, because then he wouldn't feel the guilt. But she needed him to feel something, if only guilt. He walked over to her and leaned over until his face was inches from hers. "Don't say I didn't try to help you," he said softly. He kissed her softly on the lips before turning around and walking towards the door. "Goodbye Hermione," he said and with that he was gone.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Hermione stood at the altar, her hand in Ron's, but she wasn't listening to the preacher. She could feel the sadness creeping inside her, the feeling of overwhelming guilt, and the nagging voice in her head that told her she was giving up too soon. She heard the distant noise of the preacher, of Mrs. Weasley crying, and of Hagrid crying. Then there, in the midst of all that noise, she heard it. The soft sound of his voice as he whispered her name. "Do you take Ronald Bilus Weasley to be your husband?"
She looked up at Ron's face, the eagerness of a boy that would never grow up. She saw his eyes, those brown eyes that never seemed to look at her, just at the image of her. She looked down at his hands, the hands that held her body to his but never offered protection. "I can't," she said softly.
Ron's eyes widened in shock and he coughed lightly, "Of course you can honey, it's just a cause of nerves."
"You don't understand Ron," she said. She turned to face the guest. "No one understands," she turned back to Ron. "A long time ago, I thought you were my world. Nothing would have made me happier than to stand here and say I do. But something in my life changed Ron, and you stopped being the person I dreamt about. A long time ago, my heart replaced you with someone else. I didn't choose for it to happen and I wish for anything that I could be the person to make you happy. But I don't love you like I love him." She turned back to face the guest, only this time she looked right at him. His stone gray eyes locked with her brown ones and a small smile came onto his face.
He walked out of the corner and into the light of the church. He stood at the end of the aisle she had just walked down, now a beacon for her to walk back and erase this minor mistake. "Glad to see you remembered I'd hold those words against you," he said. His eyes never left hers, although he saw Harry and a few others draw their wands. "No need to draw wands, I am unarmed and not here to harm anyone."
Hermione smiled and let her eyes fall on the man she had only seen in her dreams. "I promised I would watch for you," she said softly. "I'm sorry I lost this much hope."
Ron grabbed her arm and turned her towards him. His face grew red with anger and he stared at her as if he would kill her. "What is going on?"
"A long time ago, before the war was over, I met Malfoy. Something happened between us that couldn't be explained. But ever since then, my heart had belonged to him. And I need him Ron, more than anything. Can't you see it, the way I've been fading? I thought he was dead and I wanted nothing more than to make you happy. But he's not dead Ron, and I deserve to be happy too." And with that said she let go of his hand and started down the aisle toward Draco. She heard the names and the comments being yelled at her but all she could hear was her name being whispered by him. When she reached out to him she felt the pull of apparition and smiled.
He turned to her as they landed in the same little room where it had all started. "Thank you," he said.
"For what," she asked with some confusion.
He stepped towards her with a smile and for the first time she saw happiness in his eyes. "Thank you for loving me all these years." He kissed her deeply then pulled away and whispered, "thank you for proving me wrong and not regretting it."