Ellie couldn't believe it. She loved him; she cared about him more than anyone in the world. But still, she wasn't going to be enough. He needed this, he said. He needed his parents – not her. It hurt her to think that she wasn't as important to him as he was to her. It hurt t think that it had all just been in her head.
She fiddled with her cell phone for a second. Who could she call? Marco, Ashley? It took her a guilty second, but then she remembered that no one would be in the mood to feel sorry for her. Jimmy was in the hospital – boyfriend issues were certainly low on their list of priorities.
She glanced around the car, feeling lonely and miserable. Well, at least she wasn't alone in that. It wasn't as if the three of them were friends, at all. They were connected because of Sean, and that didn't matter now, of course.
Bitter tears brushed her skin, and she curled her arms around her waist. She glared at Emma out of the corner of her eye. She shouldn't have come, anyway. She wasn't Sean's anything anymore, why did she have the right to tag along?
…He had invited her, a small voice reminded Ellie. She squirmed uncomfortably, feeling her eyes fill again and again. God, how was she going to finish the year without him?
Besides, her more compassionate side said, they had just been confronted with a gun. Of course they felt weirdly connected now, right? She sighed aloud, trying to calm down. She could let herself be sad, couldn't she? She didn't have to worry about Emma, or Jimmy or anything, if she didn't want to.
Unconsciously, her eyes drifted over to Jay. He was driving, evidently uncaring about the turn of events. She knew Jay, sort of. He and Alex had spent a lot of time with the two of them, since he and Sean were friends. A part of Ellie was angry with him for not being more upset. After all, he and Sean had been pretty close.
Staring out at the window, she tried hard not to make everything about her. The shooting… Sean… everything was going wrong all at once. But it wasn't as if she was back at Degrassi yet. She closed her eyes, relieved by her falling tears. For just a little longer, she would only think about her loss.
Emma was oddly calm. She would miss Sean, she knew. His moving away would prevent them from ever setting things right… maybe. But maybe, also, it was meant to be. That was hopeful as she could manage, especially at the moment, but it was a start.
She glanced at Ellie, feeling truly bad for her. They weren't friends though, and they never would be. There was nothing she could do to comfort her.
She understood why Ellie was upset, of course, even if she thought it wasn't fair. This was Sean's time; he needed to get over this in his own way. Ellie was about as far away from the trigger of Rick's gun as anyone, and there was no way she could understand.
But… Emma thought, that wasn't her fault. She had been dating Sean, of course she wanted to help him.
Emma sighed, resting her head against the seat and ignoring the passage of time. For just a little longer, she could feel safe. In this car, with the last two people she would ever imagine. When they arrived at Degrassi… it would start all over again. So she wouldn't think about that yet.
Jay silently grumbled at the traffic, keeping his eyes on the road. It wasn't as if he had anywhere to be, exactly, but this trip felt like it was costing him a lot.
It was ironic, wasn't it? Both he and Spinner had lost their best friends because of the shooting. He mulled this over, somehow managing to pick up on it without any lingering sense of guilt.
He did feel bad of course - a little. But he also truly didn't believe it was his fault. Or Spinner's, or Jimmy's for that matter. Some stupid kid couldn't handle being teased, and some stupid teachers wouldn't listen to him. Neither of those things were his own doing, Jay justified.
And anyway, when you're being pressed with the possibility of impending punishment, guilt isn't really the first thing that comes to mind. It's that sort of thing that screws you up and turns you in. He was worried about Spinner and Alex, for that reason. They were regretting everything he knew, and their guilt was already oozing onto the terror-stricken halls of Degrassi.
"Do you girls want the radio?" He couldn't stand the silence, and so he broke it.
Emma shrugged, Ellie ignored him. They couldn't have agreed on a station, anyway. Emma liked pop, Ellie liked punk, and he liked rap. Three entirely incompatible music tastes. What had Sean liked? Jay wasn't sure; they never talked about music, for some reason.
"We're here." He said it, but nobody reacted. They couldn't leave the nonsensical safety of the car. Sure, they weren't quite happy, but they weren't as miserable as they would be in the real world.
Once back at Degrassi, Ellie would be forced to hide her personal pain. She would pass it off, joining Marco and her other friends in their worry. Emma would have to remember yesterday, and Jay… He'd have to worry about the coming days.
So they sat, unwilling to subject themselves to their stupid, stupid school.