First chapter - New Beginnings
It had been a year
An entire year had come and went like a breeze through the leaves of a tree. There were parts that I didn't want to remember and others that I wanted to relive over and over again. I had fallen over and over and over again on my road to recovery. I had more relapses then I'd like to think off and every time I thought I was getting better, I wasn't.
Nii-chan would look at me with those eyes that showed of disappointed and of how ashamed he was of me. I tried to hide it but eventually it would come out. He was always looking for more scares or a change in attitude. I tried, I really did. With all my heart and soul I tried not to do it. Sometimes, some days the fillings of anxiety and fear became too much. I didn't know if it was because I didn't know a better way or if it was because I didn't want another way and then I'd cut.
It wasn't as if I was trying to kill myself or anything like that. Most of time I think people got the wrong idea about why I did it. I really couldn't blame them though as I had tried to kill myself and not too long ago at that. I wanted to cope with the emotions that welled up inside me and flowed around my spirt like a never ending river.
Maybe I didn't give myself enough credit. I had gotten better, most the time I was able to keep going, to not hurt myself, to not be too hard on myself. I tried not to think about my feelings; I needed to just keep moving forward. I knew it wasn't helpful to myself to not think of these things but I knew if I did I would be right where I was before.
And that's why I decided to leave.
It wasn't an easy decision. Nii-chan tried to forbidden me from doing so but honestly it wasn't his decision to make. I am an adult, therefor I needed to act like one and make my own choices. Being where I was wasn't making me better. Every time I saw Usami it brought for worth everything I had tried to move on from. I still loved him, that wouldn't ever change but the way things were I would never be able to be with him when every time I looked at him all I saw was the hurt I had inflicted.
I didn't want to think about how worthless I was. I didn't want to think about how much of a burden I had become, and most of all I didn't want to think about all the rifts I had put in the lives of those I loved the most. I needed time to be me and time to learn what it was to be me. I needed that time away from anyone who knew the me from before.
I left
I went to America and I spent 6 months there. It was only a small taste of what it's like to on my own but it was more than enough. It was hard. I spent most of the time thinking about Usami, which was ironic considering I went there to get away from thoughts about it. It truly showed me how deep my love for him went. My time was spent working at a library, it was fun and I met a lot of really great people.
There were some who were interested in me romantically but even the thought of anyone like that repulsed me, regardless of if they were male or female. I made a lot of friends as well and it was fun going to social gatherings. It was hard to learn how to balance bills and having enough money but I did it and that made me feel good. I had promised Nii-chan I'd see a therapist out here but I never did.
I didn't want, after being in therapy since I had tried to kill myself the first time I didn't want to anymore. I didn't want to face what I had done and have to talk about it more then I already had especially with someone new. I talked to Nii-chan once a week and since I had left I hadn't talked to Usami even once.
My heart ached for him but I knew it was needed. I also knew I was possible once I got back that he would have moved on and he could be with someone else. That was a risk I was willing to take, I was unsure if even know I could be with him and I couldn't hold him back with my selfish desires. I couldn't handle that.
I knew that my mind was still fragile and honestly I should have stayed longer than the 6 months that I did stay. It would have been healthier for me. My heart yearned to see Usami and to be home. Home truly is where the heart was. I knew I'd miss the people I had met here but I would always carry the experiences I had there with me.
I hadn't made as much progress as I wish I had. Even now a year later my feelings of self-doubt and worthless followed my like a ghost. In my time in America I had picked up the nasty habit of smoking, I didn't feel bad for it though because every time I wanted to cut, I'd go out and smoke a cigarette and the feeling would go away. It allowed me to cope in a new way. Maybe not a better, healthier way but in a different way and that was more than anything I could ask for.
Getting off the flight from America and stepping back into where my home was, was like a breath of fresh air. I had missed it here; I had missed Nii-chan and all the things that were familiar to me. With the breath of fresh air came a moment of pain and regret for coming back.
Was I ready?
Would I ever be ready?
I already knew the answer. I would never be ready to face what I had done and try to repair the relationships with Usami and Nii-chan. One thing I had learned from being in America was that I would never be ready and I need to be okay with that. It was the same as there never being a perfect moment or a right time to do something, I just needed to do it and learn to be okay with the results. It was time to stop running away and as I went up the escalator to the area where those waiting for those coming off the flights I could feel my stomach turning with an emotion I couldn't quite place.
It was time.
Please R & R
Hey, it's been a long time but I started writing again and the first thing I wanted to do was to try and write the second book. I really don't have any ideas where this story is going to take me so if anyone has any ideas let me know.
As always, I enjoy hearing from everyone so any comments, concerns, question, advice or just to chat PM me!