Chapter 1: Commander Yolanda and her Fleet of Morons

Yolanda was an extraordinary woman. If someone needed a cake baked for a birthday party, she would have two cakes prepared just in case something disastrous happened to the first one. If someone felt sick, Yolanda would give them double the dose of medication to speed up the healing process. If someone needed consoling, Yolanda would cry twice as hard as the other person just to show she cares. Yes, when it came to completing tasks, Yolanda was quite extraordinary. So, when she offered her services to surprise Jake and Colleen with a quaint anniversary dinner, she figured everything would run smoothly.

Goodness, how wrong she was.

The morning sun beamed through Yolanda's tiny bedroom window. The fragments of chipping white paint flaking off of the wooden windowsill speckled tiny black shadow dots on the woman's face. Her eyes winced and suddenly blinked to life.

She rolled out of bed, slipped into her wooly slippers that her granddaughter Maya had re-gifted her about four Christmases ago, and shuffled into her kitchen. She yanked a coffee mug that read "#1 CHEF"—another re-gift…only this time from her "adoring" son Jake—and slammed it on the counter. She grabbed the coffee pot and practically dumped an entire cup of coffee into the mug. She watched the brown liquid flow down into the cup and wondered if she would still be alive without it.

After pondering this question for a few seconds too long, Yolanda came to her senses and hunkered down at her dining table. The morning paper had already been brought inside by her housemate Elli. Elli would rise before the sun every morning to go and perform her duties at the Town Hall. Yolanda didn't mind sharing her house. In fact, she almost enjoyed it.

Yolanda decided to let Elli stay with her because the empty nest syndrome was taking tolls on her mental health. Every night she would hear footsteps outside or think that someone was jiggling her doorknob. Having someone else in the house put these worries—and Yolanda—to sleep.

Yolanda skimmed through the pages. She sipped at her coffee. She skimmed the pages. She sipped her coffee. She checked the time, seven thirty sharp, and began to fold up the paper. She knew what would be coming through the front door any second—

The wooden door flung open, speckled chips of white paint dancing in the gust of wind. "Good morning, grandmother!" A chipper voice squeaked. Yolanda, who was now positioned at the sink cleaning her mug, glanced over her shoulder and nodded.

"Good morning, Maya. How did you sleep?"

It was like clockwork. Every day since Yolanda could remember her granddaughter would stop in at 7:30 and talk. Yolanda referred to it as the "Good Morning Brigade" due to the feeling that she was in the army with such a routine schedule.

"I slept okay." The young woman plunked down in a chair at the dining table. It creaked and moaned, beckoning her to get off. But she ignored the pleas and began to play with her ginger curls, "Hey, mom and dad's anniversary is today! Got anything planned for them?"

Yolanda set the mug down in the sink and spun around, "What do you mean do I have anything planned for them? Don't you remember the special dinner tonight?"

Maya paused and tapped her finger on her chin. Yolanda let out a grunt and started to dry her hands. After a few seconds, Maya let out a giggle and revealed she remembered. Yolanda glanced up at the ceiling and began praying to whoever was listening up in the great beyond to give her patience.

"Oh Mom and Dad are going to love it! I can't wait! I hope work goes by quick so that I don't have to keep waiting and waiting!" Maya's pitch was gradually increasing.

"Well, first you have to go to work in order for it to go by quicker." Yolanda snipped. She loved her granddaughter, more than anyone else, but sometimes Maya would resemble a five-year-old… and her actual age was twenty-four.

Maya sprang up from the chair, who seemed to have let out a creaking sigh of relief, "Oh! I'm going to be late! See you later, grandmother! I promise I won't spoil the surprise!"

Yolanda gave Maya a kiss on the forehead and watched her leave out the door. She shook her head, dried off her mug, and began to get ready for the day.

Yolanda had been planning this anniversary meal for weeks. She gathered all the freshest ingredients from Souffle Farm, perused all of her cookbooks, and even practiced some techniques she used to perform as a chef. Ever since retirement, Yolanda found that boxed cereal and microwave meals were a large portion of her diet. What use is there to cook lavish meals when there's no one to cook for?

Yolanda had begun to slice up some carrots and green beans when she was interrupted by a knock at her door. Wiping her hands on her apron, she peeped through her peephole—which was just a missing piece of wood in the corner of the door—and began to grin from ear to ear.

She opened the door and stuck out her stubby arms. "Mira!" She exclaimed, "Hello sweetheart!"

Mira embraced Yolanda. "Hello Yolanda! I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Nah, just cooking for the kids. Its their anniversary tonight."

"Anniversary? That's worth celebrating. How many years have they been married?"

Yolanda rolled her eyes, "Hell if I know. I can't even remember how old I am half the time."

Mira chuckled and sat down at the tiny sofa near the front door. Yolanda rushed back to the cutting board and continued to cut the vegetables.

"So what are you up to today?" Yolanda called from over her shoulder.

"Well, Owen discovered a beautiful sapphire gem in the mine today. Julius and I are going to attempt to turn it into a necklace." Mira's face beamed. Talking about jewels and work gave her a sense of accomplishment she hadn't felt in a long time. Ever since her husband passed away, she would distract her mourning with work. She also fell into the routine of visiting Yolanda daily. The two had grown to be best friends over the years. To sit in Yolanda's home felt as if she were in her own home. The two were practically sisters. Holidays, birthdays, special occasions were all spent together.

"Hey, if you need someone to take it off your hands, you know who to call." Yolanda stuck up and thumb and pointed it at herself.

Mira rose up from the sofa and mingled over to the counter where Yolanda was cooking. "Boy, these two sure are lucky to have a chef like you to cook for them. This meal would cost a fortune in a restaurant!"

"Yeah, yeah… They're gonna crap their pants when I present a bill at the end of the evening!" Yolanda joked. Both women began to laugh, their voices filling the house with cheer. "Well, I'm just happy to help celebrate their whatever-the-hell-year-it-is anniversary!"

"Hey, I want in on this celebration! What could I do to help?" Mira asked.

Yolanda paused to think. "Let's see… I have Maya coming to help bake the dessert, Elli is in charge of getting the music… I guess I need someone to stall Jake and Colleen! You up for the challenge?"

"Deal." Mira replied. Yolanda smiled and waved her knife over at the empty skillet on the oven. "Now if you really want to help," she said, "you would slab some butter on that skillet and throw down a couple of chickens!"

The sun was just barely peeping over the still ocean water. Fireflies materialized and floated around in the air, dipping and swirling to create a spectacle with their faint yellow glow. The streets were quiet and still. Everything seemed tranquil.

Except for Yolanda's house.

"Oh my god, Maya!" Yolanda squealed. There, on the counter, was Maya's interpretation of "dessert". She had baked a three-layered chocolate cake. They only problem was that Maya decided to be daring and add cherries to the batter. After an uneven baking time, poor excuse of frosting, and the cake crumbling at certain ends, the mound of mush set before Yolanda made even Elli gag.

"I think I might have overdone it with the frosting…" Maya whispered.

"Frosting? Frosting? Maya, this cake looks like what comes out of the end of an animal! What are we going to do?" Yolanda smacked her hand against her forehead and let out an exasperated groan.

"What if you put candles in it?" Elli squeaked as she fussed with the CD player Yolanda had borrowed from Mira earlier in the year (Mira never asked for it back, Yolanda never reminded her).

Yolanda wiped her hand down her face, "Elli, sweetheart, this isn't a birthday cake. You don't blow out candles on an anniversary."

"Well maybe they'll be so full they won't want dessert. If you showed them this, they probably would be grossed out anyway!" Elli replied.

"Watch it." Maya chirped.

"Why… why… why…" Yolanda moaned.

"I think it's fine." Maya said, hunkering herself down on one of the kitchen chairs.

"Oh come on Maya!" Elli chuckled, "I'm debating whether or not to flush that down the toilet. It would make sense because it looks just like a glob of shi—"

"Well at least I baked something! They won't even pay attention to your music." Maya snorted.

"Speaking of music, let me here what you picked out." Yolanda added. She scooped up the platter of mush and stored it away in the refrigerator. If it was out of sight, it was out of mind.

Elli grinned and pressed the 'PLAY' button on the CD player. The machine sputtered and shook as it blasted rap song with heavy bass.

"Turn it off!" Yolanda shouted over the music. Elli, turning twenty shades of red, banged on the CD player until the music stopped. Yolanda, Elli, and Maya all froze for a few seconds. Finally, Maya began to giggle.

"I… I think I downloaded the wrong… the wrong song…" Elli muttered as she kept jamming her finger on the 'EJECT' button.

Yolanda, turning an entirely different shade of anger, began to run her fingers through her hair. She paced in the kitchen and wondered why she had ever allowed those two idiots to be in charge of anything having to do with the dinner. Maya and Elli were silent as they followed Yolanda's pacing with their wide eyes.

The silence was interrupted by footsteps coming to the front door. Yolanda stopped dead in her tracks and stared. The doorknob began to turn!

"Out, out, out, out, out!" Yolanda hissed to Maya and Elli. The two girls dashed out the back door of the kitchen, leaving Yolanda to ensure all the courses were in order on the counter. Caesar salad: check. Grilled vegetables: check. Honey glazed chicken: check. Everything seemed to be in order. Yolanda decided to keep the monstrosity of a cake in the refrigerator. No dessert for the couple…

Just as soon as Mira opened the door, Yolanda had ducked away into her bedroom. Mira had ushered Jake and Colleen in, showed them the wondrous display of food, and wished them both a happy anniversary. Yolanda was listening at the door and occasionally opened it a crack to see how the meal was going. Everything was running smoothly! No music, no dessert, no indication that neither Jake nor Colleen noticed or cared.

"This was wonderful of Yolanda to do." Colleen said, gripping Jake's hand across the table. Jake nodded and glanced around the room.

"What's wrong?" Colleen murmured.

"I'm just making sure we're alone. I love you so much, Colleen." Jake whispered. Colleen blushed.

"Happy anniversary." Jake said.

"Happy anniversary." Colleen replied.

"And the night is still young! Maybe when we get back home we—" Jake began, his face turning red. Although he was stopped midsentence by Yolanda jumping out from behind her bedroom door.

"Happy anniversary you crazy lovebirds!" Yolanda shrieked.

Colleen cackled, Yolanda hugged the couple, and Jake nearly fainted of embarrassment.