As Long As He Draws Breath part 1
Life often seemed to come full circle. It wasn't so long ago that Todd and Sam
were standing in that very same airport together. Todd called Sam, desperate
to save his marriage to Tea. Years passed since they had even spoken, but the
first person Todd thought of to help him was Sam. At the sound of Sam's
long-gone, but familiar "Hey Boomer!", Todd was transported back to Chicago
and his happier times with Sam. Those times, he could almost forget about the
hell he was going through at home with his father. How he'd wanted to go home
with Sam, and live with him. How he'd wanted to be Sam's little boy.
He'd almost asked him that once, but he lost his nerve. He could tell that
Sam's wife Lindsay wasn't too happy to have him around. That was something she
and his father seemed to have in common. Hell, that was something everyone
seemed to have in common when it came to him. That's why he was slinking out
of town with his tail between his legs, with a few bare goodbyes, that he
hadn't intended to give. He just wanted to get out, but he'd ran into Viki in
the family cemetery, and that was hard. And now, here was Sam. This was no
picnic either.
Sam had practically been begging him for reassurance that his judgement wasn't
completely whacked when he believed Todd about what happened between him and
Peter. He asked Todd if it was a lie. If it was the truth, Sam would have
known, would have seen...something. Todd didn't want to hurt Sam anymore, so
he told him what he needed to hear. Maybe now they could start over, and Sam
wouldn't hate him anymore.
Then again, maybe not. Still, with an ironic grin, he couldn't stop the words
that came out of his mouth.
"You want one of my tickets?"
Sam shook his head. "No, thank you." Todd nodded. He certainly didn't expect
him to say yes. After all, this was only a chance goodbye, as Todd set off for
parts unknown to try to figure out what else to do with his sorry excuse for a
life. But he couldn't help hoping that he wasn't losing everyone that he cared
about. He had to content himself with Sam's kind, if sad, smile, that let Todd
know that he still cared a little bit.
But maybe that was the lie, and the truth was, it was really over. Maybe it
was for the best that he disappeared forever. He turned and started away.
"Todd wait!"
Todd stopped and turned around to face his former coach, wearing an expression
of mild impatience. What now? What else was there to say?
"Yeah?"
"Give me one."
"Huh?"
"I'll take one of your tickets. It'll save me the expense of buying one. I
don't really have a destination in mind anymore anyway, so I might as well...
uh, I'm rambling. Give me one of your tickets. The offer still stands, doesn't
it?"
Todd's eyes seemed to grow twice as large, then overcoming his surprise, he
shook it off. He kept his expression blank to hide the tiny seed of unexpected
pleasure he felt.
"Yeah sure."
Todd slapped one of the tickets into Sam's hand and held his gaze for a
second, then he turned back to the check-in, this time with Sam following
close behind.
When Sam boarded the plane, Todd was already settling into his seat. Of
course, the rest of the section was empty. Sam stored his carry-on bag in one
of the compartments behind Todd's seat, intending to sit next to Todd. A
withering glance from his young friend stripped him of that notion. He sighed.
He was never going to understand Todd, that was certain. He took a seat
directly across the aisle from Todd so that he could still be close enough to
talk to him.
Todd was leafing through one of the on-board magazines, studiously avoiding
Sam's glance.
"Thanks...uh...for the ticket, Todd."
"Yeah, no big deal." Todd put the magazine aside and set up a tray at his seat
in front of him. He took from his bag framed photos of Tea and a baby Starr.
Sam felt bad for Todd looking at those and knowing how much Todd would miss
them, and Viki. Sam knew he shouldn't feel sorry for Todd after the stunts he
pulled, but he couldn't help it. He told himself that Todd deserved what he
got, but it was hard to keep his heart hardened against him. He searched his
mind for some words of comfort he could offer Todd, if any.
"Todd, this doesn't have to be forever, you know. I'm sure that you'll see
them again, when you get whatever is going on inside you worked out. I'll help
you. I'll try--"
"Why don't you hate me, Sam?" Todd turned his pointed gaze on Sam, hazel eyes
burning with a mixture of astonishment and suspicion.
Sam stared back at him, speechless. The question was out of the blue, but not
totally unexpected, for Sam had asked himself that same thing. Why didn't he
hate him? Todd made a fool of him with the DID. He was probably laughing his
fool head off at Sam and everyone else while he pretended to be Tom or Rodd or
Pete.
And if that wasn't enough, there was the all but confession he'd made about
being raped by his own father. Sam had felt like he'd be consumed by the guilt
of it, finding out that Peter had raped Todd, and he never figured it out. Sam
beat himself up, wondering how he could spend so many hours with this boy and
not know. He'd called himself all kinds of a blind, self-centered fool for not
seeing it. And now Todd said he made it up to stay out of jail. It was
perverse. How could Todd do it? How could he make up such a cruel lie?
Yet, Todd's words echoed in his mind.
"The truth is a lie and a lie is the truth."
He hadn't thought much about it before, but now he wondered. What was Todd
trying to tell him? Was his "surrogate son" reaching out to him again? Was he
still that little lost boy that Sam first met sitting on the bleachers of his
middle school and watching the other kids practice? Would he run away from Sam
again? He was running away now, but this time Sam was determined not to let
him get away. This time, Sam would help him. This time, he would be the father
that that boy, inside the man, still seemed to need.
He regarded Todd, who's skeptical expression never left his face. What could
he say to that? Only the truth.
"Why don't I hate you, Todd? Because I can't. It's just like Will and Jen. No
matter what they ever did to me, I could never hate them because they are my
children and I love them. I love *you* Todd. Remember in the cabana, when I
told you you were my kid too? I still feel that way. Maybe not in blood, but
because that's how much I care about you. I should hate you, shouldn't I, for
the stunts you pulled, but I don't. I don't hate you because I love you like
you're my own kid."
Todd squirmed in his seat, the simple, yet meaningful declaration too much to
grasp. He could hardly believe Sam, but he still wanted to, more than
anything. Sam loved him--
"Still?" his voice choked a little on the word.
"Yeah, still. You don't automatically stop loving someone just because they do
something that hurts you. I think Tea can attest to that." Todd flinched at
this. "Besides, I think you do more to hurt yourself than anyone else."
Todd rolled his eyes, and smirked, not without relief. Now *this* he could
handle. This was familiar territory. "Not this again."
"Okay, I won't say another word about that, but I've loved that little boy you
were when I first saw you and I love you now. It doesn't mean I'll let you
hurt me or make a fool of me again, or anyone else. It doesn't mean I trust
you. It does mean I want to understand why you keep hurting everyone who tries
to love you, pal.
Todd almost laughed. "Boy, you sound more and more like Viki everyday. Were
you seperated at birth? I should have invited her to come along, then I could
have stereo nagging."
Sam nodded his head, supressing his own smile. It's what he expected and he
knew he had to gear himself up for whatever shields Todd threw in his path
when it came to talking about the dreaded *feelings*. Still, he was afraid to
push Todd too much. After what happened in the cabana, after Todd's coma, he
would still have to tread lightly with him. *You're not running away from me
this time, pal*, he thought, *not this time. Not if I can help it and help
you.*
"Maybe this is my fault," he muttered half to himself.
"Whoa what? Your fault? What are you talking about, Sam?"
"Maybe if I'd read the signs better, I don't know-"
This time Todd did laugh. "I know what you're doing, Sam, and it's not going
to work. If you're going to keep yapping away, I might have to take back my
ticket and have you booted back to coach."
"All right. Okay, forget it. We don't have to talk about this anymore if you
don't want to, and it's obvious that you don't."
"That's right, I don't. So you can save it for some other little lost orphan
boy." Todd's eyes sparkled with sarcastic glee. "Better buckle you seatbelt,
Sam. I think there's going to be a lot of turbulence on this flight."
He smirked and Sam rolled his eyes and settled in for the long flight.
Life often seemed to come full circle. It wasn't so long ago that Todd and Sam
were standing in that very same airport together. Todd called Sam, desperate
to save his marriage to Tea. Years passed since they had even spoken, but the
first person Todd thought of to help him was Sam. At the sound of Sam's
long-gone, but familiar "Hey Boomer!", Todd was transported back to Chicago
and his happier times with Sam. Those times, he could almost forget about the
hell he was going through at home with his father. How he'd wanted to go home
with Sam, and live with him. How he'd wanted to be Sam's little boy.
He'd almost asked him that once, but he lost his nerve. He could tell that
Sam's wife Lindsay wasn't too happy to have him around. That was something she
and his father seemed to have in common. Hell, that was something everyone
seemed to have in common when it came to him. That's why he was slinking out
of town with his tail between his legs, with a few bare goodbyes, that he
hadn't intended to give. He just wanted to get out, but he'd ran into Viki in
the family cemetery, and that was hard. And now, here was Sam. This was no
picnic either.
Sam had practically been begging him for reassurance that his judgement wasn't
completely whacked when he believed Todd about what happened between him and
Peter. He asked Todd if it was a lie. If it was the truth, Sam would have
known, would have seen...something. Todd didn't want to hurt Sam anymore, so
he told him what he needed to hear. Maybe now they could start over, and Sam
wouldn't hate him anymore.
Then again, maybe not. Still, with an ironic grin, he couldn't stop the words
that came out of his mouth.
"You want one of my tickets?"
Sam shook his head. "No, thank you." Todd nodded. He certainly didn't expect
him to say yes. After all, this was only a chance goodbye, as Todd set off for
parts unknown to try to figure out what else to do with his sorry excuse for a
life. But he couldn't help hoping that he wasn't losing everyone that he cared
about. He had to content himself with Sam's kind, if sad, smile, that let Todd
know that he still cared a little bit.
But maybe that was the lie, and the truth was, it was really over. Maybe it
was for the best that he disappeared forever. He turned and started away.
"Todd wait!"
Todd stopped and turned around to face his former coach, wearing an expression
of mild impatience. What now? What else was there to say?
"Yeah?"
"Give me one."
"Huh?"
"I'll take one of your tickets. It'll save me the expense of buying one. I
don't really have a destination in mind anymore anyway, so I might as well...
uh, I'm rambling. Give me one of your tickets. The offer still stands, doesn't
it?"
Todd's eyes seemed to grow twice as large, then overcoming his surprise, he
shook it off. He kept his expression blank to hide the tiny seed of unexpected
pleasure he felt.
"Yeah sure."
Todd slapped one of the tickets into Sam's hand and held his gaze for a
second, then he turned back to the check-in, this time with Sam following
close behind.
When Sam boarded the plane, Todd was already settling into his seat. Of
course, the rest of the section was empty. Sam stored his carry-on bag in one
of the compartments behind Todd's seat, intending to sit next to Todd. A
withering glance from his young friend stripped him of that notion. He sighed.
He was never going to understand Todd, that was certain. He took a seat
directly across the aisle from Todd so that he could still be close enough to
talk to him.
Todd was leafing through one of the on-board magazines, studiously avoiding
Sam's glance.
"Thanks...uh...for the ticket, Todd."
"Yeah, no big deal." Todd put the magazine aside and set up a tray at his seat
in front of him. He took from his bag framed photos of Tea and a baby Starr.
Sam felt bad for Todd looking at those and knowing how much Todd would miss
them, and Viki. Sam knew he shouldn't feel sorry for Todd after the stunts he
pulled, but he couldn't help it. He told himself that Todd deserved what he
got, but it was hard to keep his heart hardened against him. He searched his
mind for some words of comfort he could offer Todd, if any.
"Todd, this doesn't have to be forever, you know. I'm sure that you'll see
them again, when you get whatever is going on inside you worked out. I'll help
you. I'll try--"
"Why don't you hate me, Sam?" Todd turned his pointed gaze on Sam, hazel eyes
burning with a mixture of astonishment and suspicion.
Sam stared back at him, speechless. The question was out of the blue, but not
totally unexpected, for Sam had asked himself that same thing. Why didn't he
hate him? Todd made a fool of him with the DID. He was probably laughing his
fool head off at Sam and everyone else while he pretended to be Tom or Rodd or
Pete.
And if that wasn't enough, there was the all but confession he'd made about
being raped by his own father. Sam had felt like he'd be consumed by the guilt
of it, finding out that Peter had raped Todd, and he never figured it out. Sam
beat himself up, wondering how he could spend so many hours with this boy and
not know. He'd called himself all kinds of a blind, self-centered fool for not
seeing it. And now Todd said he made it up to stay out of jail. It was
perverse. How could Todd do it? How could he make up such a cruel lie?
Yet, Todd's words echoed in his mind.
"The truth is a lie and a lie is the truth."
He hadn't thought much about it before, but now he wondered. What was Todd
trying to tell him? Was his "surrogate son" reaching out to him again? Was he
still that little lost boy that Sam first met sitting on the bleachers of his
middle school and watching the other kids practice? Would he run away from Sam
again? He was running away now, but this time Sam was determined not to let
him get away. This time, Sam would help him. This time, he would be the father
that that boy, inside the man, still seemed to need.
He regarded Todd, who's skeptical expression never left his face. What could
he say to that? Only the truth.
"Why don't I hate you, Todd? Because I can't. It's just like Will and Jen. No
matter what they ever did to me, I could never hate them because they are my
children and I love them. I love *you* Todd. Remember in the cabana, when I
told you you were my kid too? I still feel that way. Maybe not in blood, but
because that's how much I care about you. I should hate you, shouldn't I, for
the stunts you pulled, but I don't. I don't hate you because I love you like
you're my own kid."
Todd squirmed in his seat, the simple, yet meaningful declaration too much to
grasp. He could hardly believe Sam, but he still wanted to, more than
anything. Sam loved him--
"Still?" his voice choked a little on the word.
"Yeah, still. You don't automatically stop loving someone just because they do
something that hurts you. I think Tea can attest to that." Todd flinched at
this. "Besides, I think you do more to hurt yourself than anyone else."
Todd rolled his eyes, and smirked, not without relief. Now *this* he could
handle. This was familiar territory. "Not this again."
"Okay, I won't say another word about that, but I've loved that little boy you
were when I first saw you and I love you now. It doesn't mean I'll let you
hurt me or make a fool of me again, or anyone else. It doesn't mean I trust
you. It does mean I want to understand why you keep hurting everyone who tries
to love you, pal.
Todd almost laughed. "Boy, you sound more and more like Viki everyday. Were
you seperated at birth? I should have invited her to come along, then I could
have stereo nagging."
Sam nodded his head, supressing his own smile. It's what he expected and he
knew he had to gear himself up for whatever shields Todd threw in his path
when it came to talking about the dreaded *feelings*. Still, he was afraid to
push Todd too much. After what happened in the cabana, after Todd's coma, he
would still have to tread lightly with him. *You're not running away from me
this time, pal*, he thought, *not this time. Not if I can help it and help
you.*
"Maybe this is my fault," he muttered half to himself.
"Whoa what? Your fault? What are you talking about, Sam?"
"Maybe if I'd read the signs better, I don't know-"
This time Todd did laugh. "I know what you're doing, Sam, and it's not going
to work. If you're going to keep yapping away, I might have to take back my
ticket and have you booted back to coach."
"All right. Okay, forget it. We don't have to talk about this anymore if you
don't want to, and it's obvious that you don't."
"That's right, I don't. So you can save it for some other little lost orphan
boy." Todd's eyes sparkled with sarcastic glee. "Better buckle you seatbelt,
Sam. I think there's going to be a lot of turbulence on this flight."
He smirked and Sam rolled his eyes and settled in for the long flight.