She wiped the sweat from her brow, the sun was beating down on her back and her muscles were close to total failure. "Only 100 more. I have to do this." She resumed digging, nothing but her self imposed mission on her mind.
By the time the sun sank behind Mount Weather and the temperature dropped, she had finished digging graves for almost 20 more mountain men. She had been digging graves from sun up til sun down for a week now, determined to put those she murdered to rest. The children's graves were done the first day. She was able to dig all 47 pint sized graves while the sun was shining, the hardest part was laying them into their final bed. When the sun sank on that first day, she cried. She cried and considered everything she had done since the 100 had made land fall. All those friends she lost; Wells, Charlotte, Finn, Anya and all those she gained; Bellamy, Octavia, Lincoln, Raven. Then all those she took from others; the mountain men, the grounder village. She was surprised the rivers didn't run red with all the blood spilled.
She spent her nights sleeping just inside the Mountain door, the door they worked so hard to open, she slept upright against the wall, never deep enough to get some true rest.
The crunching of gravel roused her from her shallow sleep. The sun was going to be up soon and she had visitors.
"Clarke?!" a familiar voice shouted. "Clarke! I know you're here."
"Bellamy, what are you doing here? I told you to look after... them." her steps faltered as she spied the group he brought with him. Lincoln, Monty, Octavia, Kane, Jasper and Miller were all there.
"We tried the grounder camp first, they said you were there a week ago. That you told them the mountain men wouldn't be a danger anymore then you left. We tried the bunker Finn found, and Lincoln's caves... I should have known you'd come here. What have you been doing, Clarke?"
She led them wordlessly to the graveyard she had started. It was surrounded by beauty, it overlooked the river and valley while being shadowed by the mountain. "Wild flowers will grow here by next year. They lived and died inside the mountain. I didn't want to take them too far from the only place they've ever known, but I wanted them to have eternity to be outside." Her voice sounded raw and hollow. "I didn't know their burial customs. This was the best I could think of."
The group stood in silence, staring at the mounds, each marked with a Mount Weather ID card. Jasper saw Maya's and sat at the base of her grave. She was the first to be buried after the children.
"This is fine. It's not like she'll- they'll mind either way." Jasper said through tears, picking up and tossing gravel to distract himself.
After a few minutes, Clarke picked her shovel back up and started digging a new row. Bellamy laid his hand on her arm, a questioning look in his eyes. "There are still more. I can't stop now. I am almost done. Please. I can't stop." she said almost frantically.
"Alright," Kane finally spoke, "Where can we find more shovels? We'll help put them all to rest."
"I know where they are." Jasper said. Monty, Miller, and Kane followed Jasper into the mountain.
"Eat." Bellamy demanded.
"I'll eat later. I have to finish this."
"No. You'll eat now. I'll dig." They stood toe to toe, arguing through their eyes. Clarke, worn down from little rest and even less food, was no match for his stubbornness this time.
"Just eat, Clarke. He has been on a mission to find you since the day after you left. The least you can do is listen to him." Octavia said begrudgingly, not making eye contact.
Lincoln handed Clarke some jerky, fruit, and a canteen. The three ate in awkward silence as they listened to the macabre rhythmic sound of Bellamy digging.
After a few minutes Clarke asked, "How's my mom? And Raven?"
"Your mom started developing an infection, but we were able to get it under control before it got too far. She is still recovering. Raven's almost fully recovered." Lincoln said gently.
"She's pissed they drilled into her good leg. Wick made her two new braces, one for each leg. He told her it was 'just in case'. He was still limping when we joined Bellamy two days ago." Octavia smirked.
Clarke almost smiled. "Good to hear they are getting better. Thank you." she paused a moment. "Both of you. For everything. You may never forgive me for not warning the village about the rockets, and that is fine, but I am grateful for all you've done."
"Are you coming back to camp with us?" Octavia asked
"I don't think I can. Wherever I go, death follows. I have caused enough death. I think it's best I stay far away from those I care about." she looked at Bellamy, who was wiping sweat from his forehead. He took a swig from his canteen then walked toward the small group.
"I don't know how you've done all this alone, Clarke. You shouldn't have had to. We both pulled the lever, I need to do this, too. We needed to do this together."
He sat down next to her, his thigh almost against hers. She wanted to cuddle into him, to accept his offer and let him lighten her burden, just a bit. But then what kind of person- what kind of leader- would that make her?
He reached down to her clasped hands and took one into his. They looked at each other for a moment, saying everything they needed to say with their eyes.
I'm here. It's ok.
I know. I'm sorry.
Don't run from me.
I'm scared.
We can get through this together.
Together.
The rest of the group returned with four more shovels. "This is all we could find. We can dig in shifts. I counted 76 people left on level 5. We should be able to finish their graves in the next two days." Kane said.
Clarke released Bellamy's hand and stood, her muscles screaming in protest, picked up a shovel and went back to digging. The group took turns digging, and when they weren't digging they were making crosses for the graves like they did at their landing site. As the sun went behind the mountain, they brought out 36 more corpses and placed one in each newly dug grave.
"Thank you all for your help. You didn't need to come out here." Clarke said humbly. She just couldn't look at any of them without remembering the pain she has caused each of them in the past three months.
"Let's eat and rest." Kane said.
They congregated just inside the door, seeking shelter, but refusing to impose on those still awaiting burial on level five. Lincoln made a fire and they all ate in silence. Clarke could see Monty and Jasper were not the same, they sat on opposite side of the flame and rarely made eye contact. There were no jokes or laughs or conspiring looks. She was disheartened. Those two used to be inseparable; now, because of her, they can hardly stand to be on the same continent. She felt she had to find some way to make at least this one thing right, those two boys were soul mates, not in the romantic sense, but in the sense that they fit so well together, you can't imagine one without the other. Jasper needed his other half to help him grieve, but he didn't want to forgive Monty yet.
"Jasper, Monty, can I talk to you two for a minute? Please." The boys stood begrudgingly and met her outside. "This has got to stop. You two are like brothers. Jasper, I know you're angry with him because he programmed the reverse air flow, but it wasn't him who pulled the switch. It was me. And Monty. What the hell? I know you feel guilty, but the blame is on me again. I did this. I killed them all."
Bellamy walked up behind Clarke. "We. You keep forgetting that we did this. Together. I placed my hand on yours," Bellamy grabbed her hand, "I looked you in this eyes and we pulled that lever together. You keep neglecting to remember my part in all this. Surprise, Princess, not everything is your fault." He was invading her space, looking down into her eyes. "And you two," he looked at Jasper and Monty, "Work your shit out. You are stressing everyone out with your cold shoulder routine, even back at camp. Yell it out, punch it out, cry it out, whatever. Just work it out."
Jasper and Monty looked at each other almost bashfully, "Well, lets go cry it out." Monty chuckled and they walked off to reestablish their friendship.
"I had it handled, you know? You didn't need to come out here." She said indignantly.
"You seem determined to make everyone hate you, Clarke. I am not ok with that. I did need to come. You are heading down a path of self destruction and you seem determined to reach the finish line. You are so busy hating yourself, you can't see that no one else does. We will finish burying the dead tomorrow, we will give them all a burial service, and we will go home. Back to camp. They need you there. I need you." He caressed her cheek with his free hand and she leaned into it. "Let's go back inside and get some rest. We'll need it."
At Monty's scream, rest was forgotten.